Serenity, Courage, Wisdom

Andy and Sharon struggle to figure out how to move forward after Stroh's escape. None of these wonderful characters are mine.

Chapter 1

"God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference" Andy finished the prayer at his meeting greeted and a few friends before leaving. God, how many times had he said those words over the 17 years? He couldn't even begin to count. He believed them to be true and powerful. They helped him to sort out problems in his head.

Serenity had been a hard concept for him to learn but without a doubt a key lesson in staying sober. Serenity taught he could not make his ex-wife forgive him. Serenity taught him that he could not undo the mistakes of his past. Serenity taught him that he couldn't stop all of the horrible things in the world that he saw every day in his job.

Courage, Andy had always thought was just part of his nature. He was a cop after all. He put his life on the line every day. It would be so easy to let people think he was courageous because of his job. Andy knew that courage meant so much more than his job though. Courage was what kept him at these meetings every week. Courage was what sent him to that therapist office in order to try and rebuild relationships with his children. It was courage (albeit awkwardly displayed) that sent him into Sharon's office before Nicole's wedding. It was courage, he thought sadly that helped him leave her condo tonight when he wanted so badly to stay.

That brought him to wisdom. The part where is struggled at times. Wisdom was the first step into serenity or courage, figuring out what he could and could not change. This part was always the hardest. When he was in the wisdom seeking stage is when he heard his demons the loudest. It was rare outside of these times for him to really want to drink anymore. However when he was in these times the desire could be strong. Tonight was one of those nights. He had not felt such a desire to drink as he had tonight in a long time. He had left her place and headed straight to a meeting. He sat through two meetings actually until his head was back on straight.

Andy pulled out his phone as he got into his car. Checking to see maybe if she had called or texted but there was none. He allowed himself a minute to look at pictures on his phone. He pulled up the one he saved as her contact picture. It was one they had taken together at Rusty's graduation party. She was so happy that night. She was light and very flirty after everyone had left she had kissed him. Andy smiled at the memory of her shock after she did it. It was so brief and fleeting most people wouldn't have thought anything of it but Sharon wasn't most people. Andy missed those times and would do anything to give them back to her. It was a point in her life that her worries were so much lighter. Since Stroh's escape though things were different.

It wasn't that Andy only wanted to be there for the good times. He wanted to be there for all the times. It was a matter of getting her to let him. He would be whatever she wanted him to be to her if she would just tell him, and keep to it. One day it seemed he was just her lieutenant, one day her good friend again, then on nights like tonight she wanted something more. That was what was beginning to wear him down, the back and forth. "I wish I knew…" he muttered to himself in his car as he thought back through their evening.

It was almost time to leave when Andy's phone buzzed. "Dinner?" Was all that it said. He couldn't help himself as he looked towards her office. She was looking back at him and smiling. God, he loved that smile. He didn't see it enough anymore. "Of course", he wrote back. "You know you could just go in there and talk to each other." His partner said gruffly. Andy just shot him a look. He texted her back, "Pick you up at 7:30 have to get rid of Provenza's body first." He was pretty sure he heard her laugh through her office door.

He picked her up and took her to one of her favorite places. She had been in a light mood and they had talked and laughed. When they were leaving the restaurant she had weaved her arm through his. He had fully intended to drop her off in the parking garage. There was a time when he always walked her to her door and she had invited him in but those nights did not seem to happen often anymore. So when she asked him to come up he was pleasantly surprised. She had made coffee for both of them and he turned on some music. The whole thing felt so familiar and good. He knew it was because Rusty was staying at Tao's playing video games with his sons tonight. She knew he was safe so she felt OK relaxing. She brought in their coffee and they sat and talked. Somehow their hands found each other on the back of the couch. They stared at each other for a minute. Andy looked into her eyes. There was so much warmth in them. Wisdom be damned at that moment he had to kiss her. He leaned closer to her to find that she was meeting him halfway. Their lips met tentatively at first. Then Andy felt Sharon's lips part as she pressed closer to him. He let go of her hand and pulled her closer to him. Suddenly there was nothing but heat and urgency between them. Andy was the one to pull back first. He looked at her and placed a hand on either side of her face, "Sharon. What are we doing?" he asked her. "What we've wanted to do for a while?" she said leaning in to kiss him again. They kissed again and again. Andy knew they were reaching a turning point. He kissed her softly one last time, "I should go" he said. She grabbed his hand as he stood up, "Stay" she said softly but her meaning was very clear. Andy looked at her. She was so beautiful and in that moment so very vulnerable. He sat back down next to her and held her hand.

"Sharon, there is nothing I want more than to stay here with you tonight and I know it's what you want tonight too, but I don't know if it's what you are going to want tomorrow. Until I know this is what you really want, we can't" he told her, courage he reminded himself, courage.

"Andy, there is just so much going on. I can't promise you anything. Keeping Rusty safe has to come first. I can't think about us while I'm thinking about keeping him safe." She said and Andy could hear the combination of sadness and anger in her voice.

"Sharon, you are letting Stroh keep you in prison. You are letting him win" Andy said softly

With that comment the sadness left her voice and it was just anger, "As long as my son is alive he hasn't won. And I think you are right you should go." She said.

"Sharon…"He started but he saw the anger in her eyes, "All right, I will call you tomorrow." She didn't move from the couch as he left.

Andy sighed again as he ran his hand through his hair. He looked at the time. She would be asleep. Calling now wouldn't be a good idea. Going by her place really wouldn't be a good idea. They needed to talk though. He needed her to understand. He knew the smart thing would be to wait until tomorrow but when he pulled out of the parking lot he turned towards her place anyway.

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The knocking at her door startled Sharon. She had been sitting on her balcony trying to clear her head. Tonight had not gone the way she wanted. She had never intended to ask Andy to stay the night. Of course she had never intended to make out with him on her couch either. She missed him so much. She missed the direction they were heading before Stroh escaped. She had just gotten use to the idea of them dating. After Stroh escaped though she put up a wall between them. She was afraid that if she let herself think about Andy, about them, too much she would miss something and Rusty might get hurt. The worst part was she never had even talked to Andy about it. She just pulled back from him. She didn't hold his hand anymore like she had started to do when they went out. She stepped away from his good night kisses quickly. She found more reasons to turn him down when he asked her out. They still saw each other outside of work but after a couple of weeks Andy got the message and stopped trying and went back to just being her friend. If she was honest she couldn't blame him for leaving tonight. Now however she could add embarrassment to the emotions that were overwhelming her.

She looked at the time it was almost midnight. She knew who was at her door. She knew just by the way he knocked. "It's late" she said answering the door to him. "I know, but I didn't like how we left things. Can I come in please?" He said not looking her in the eye. Sharon stepped to the side so he could come in. "Coffee?" she asked him. "No I've had about 4 cups tonight. I'm good." He laughed. They walked into the living room and sat back on the couch much like they had earlier.

"I'm sorry about earlier." Sharon said first, "That wasn't fair to you." She wouldn't look at him.

Instinctively Andy put his hand over Sharon's. He waited for a second and when she didn't pull back he spoke. "Sharon, I need to say a few things and I would really like you to listen please."

Sharon nodded at him and gave him a half smile. She knew she owed him that. Andy let go of her hand for a minute and pulled out his wallet. Sharon looked at him in confusion as he opened it and pulled something out and handed it to her. Sharon looked at the faded, worn, laminated card that he gave her.

"At my very first AA meeting someone gave that to me. I have kept it with me for 17 years. When things get tough, when I feel overwhelmed with all of the crap out there I go back to this." He said

"Andy, I don't understand." Sharon said

"Sharon, you, us, we have moved into this area. I don't know what to do with us anymore and when I don't know what to do with things I try and figure out what I can change and what I can't and that's what I've been thinking about tonight." He told her looking away from her again.

"So what have you figured out?" She asked him not sure that she wanted to know.

He took a deep breath, stood up and began to pace a little, "All right first things I can't change: I can't change either of our past relationships, I can't make up for the way Jack treated you or erase the damage that he did. I also can't make you stop worrying about Rusty. No matter how badly I want I can't make you believe he is safe. As part of that I can't make you believe that it is all right for you to move forward while this is going on. You have to want that for yourself."

Sharon stared at him with a stunned look on her face. She wanted to say something but his honest and accurate observations left her speechless. She looked down at the floor before she said quietly "What about the things that you can change?'

Sharon didn't look back up until she felt Andy sit back beside her and take her hand again. "What I can change is to make sure that you know without a doubt how I feel about you, this is the part where I need you to listen to me all the way, all right?" he said placing one hand on her face so she was looking at him.

Sharon nodded but didn't speak, still not sure if she wanted to hear what he had to say.

"Sharon, I love you. I'm not saying this to pressure you. I'm saying this so that you know what I mean by that. When I tell you that I love you it means I am willing to do what you need. If you tell me that right now you just need a friend then I will be that friend. If you think you want to try for something more than I am ready for that. What I can't do Sharon is this back and forth. I have to know who we are."

There was a long silence between them, Andy waited still holding her hand. Finally she spoke, "Andy, there is just so much right now." She started.

"Sharon, there will always be so much. We each have complicated pasts, children, and challenging jobs. The question is what we can change and what can't we change. I have started figuring mine out. I think it's time you start doing the same." His voice and eyes were both tender and compassionate. "That's why I'm giving this to you." He said pressing the card back into her hand. "Keep it, no pressure except tell me that you will at least think about what I said."

Sharon felt the tears begin to fill her eyes. He started to get up from the couch and she grabbed his hand again like she had earlier. "Thank you" she said softly, "I will." He leaned in and kissed her softly before he left.

Sharon sat back on the couch pulling a throw pillow against herself. She looked down at the card in her hand and read it, "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."

TBC