Title: Deserving
Author: Sassy
Rating: PG
Pairing: Veronica/Logan
Genre: Angst
Show: Veronica Mars, An Echolls Family Christmas
Summary: Veronica wants to escape her problems and her feelings, but she ends up making things worse when she runs into Logan.
Deserving
Veronica didn't know when it had happened. One day she totally and completely despised him with her entire being and the next, she didn't mind hearing his voice echoing down the hallway. There was a time that she hated him, the way he smiled and taunted her. It wasn't because she couldn't handle him mocking her. In fact, Lilly probably would have thought it was funny and added her own peanut gallery comments in with it. What bothered her was his front of the perfectly normal, high school rich boy whose life was wonderful and whimsical. His life was neither.
He missed Lilly. She missed Lilly. They'd both lost their significant others and best friends at the same time: Lilly by death, Duncan by depression. Now they stood alone, although Logan didn't seem to be alone. He was the kind of alone that stood in a crowded room and no one really noticed the pain he was in. Except Veronica. She recognized it, she sensed it, but she was too busy being defiant, rebellious, and happily outcast from a society that was never realistic. She was too busy playing Nancy Drew to deal with anything serious affecting her life. She could solve everyone else's problems, but not her own. And not Logan's. Because as different as they were, they were the same. United in their pain and anger and confusion. How odd that Veronica Mars, poor ex-sheriff's child, and Logan Echolls, rich A-list actor's child, were the same. No one would even consider the possibility of them being the same; no one would consider them friends, not since the fall from grace. Not since Veronica had been called a numerous amount of names and rumors had spread full fledged through the ranks of high school students. Veronica didn't matter anymore. It wouldn't be acceptable for him to talk to her. And she didn't want him to. Except she did. Since she realized that something was different with Logan. For a moment, she saw a kinder, gentler Logan. Of course, she wasn't saying that Logan was really the warm and fuzzy kind of boy now, but there was something there.
Veronica wandered aimlessly around Neptune. Neptune was a small town and there wasn't much to walk around, but she needed to get out of her small apartment. She had days when she needed a break from reality and her loneliness. Today was one of those alone days, where she wanted to sit and figure out why she felt sorry for Logan when Aaron Echolls had been stabbed and why she had wanted to tell him that the outcome would be better than the night that Lilly's head had been bashed in. And Lilly hadn't deserved to die; Veronica couldn't say the same for Mr. Echolls. Her father felt immensely guilty for not getting to the party soon enough to stop Aaron Echolls from being stabbed. He saw it as a failure of his duties that it took him so long to figure out who the stalker was and how to get into the party. And when her father felt like a failure, Veronica felt the same way. She had been in Logan's room, playing poker for her father's present, and no present would make him happy now.
Sadly, they had been in the room just in time for the main event, the stabbing. Veronica had seen Logan's face. She had been slightly surprised by it. It was a mix between shock and indifference. He didn't care that his father was dying? He had called the ambulance, so he must have cared somewhat. Maybe it was the indifference that protected him from the pain. His game face was comfortable for him. Her's was comfortable. After Lilly had been murdered, everyone close to Lilly had cut themselves off from any kind of feeling. The shock and hurt of Lilly's death didn't leave them with the option to feel anything. That was why she was so 'spirited' now. Veronica looked up from the pavement and groaned. She had left her house to stop thinking about her kinship with Logan and she was back to thinking about it.
Veronica turned down Main Street, not too far from the high school. Ironic how she would return to the place where most of her problems began when she was trying to escape her troubles. And how ironic that Logan Echolls sat on the curb out in front of the school, his head bowed reverently. He wasn't praying, but he seemed to be contemplating something. Odd to see Logan think. She debated turning around and returning to her apartment. She didn't want to talk to Logan. She didn't have to talk to him. He didn't know she was there. He wouldn't know if she left, and honestly, even if he did, he wouldn't care. But somehow, being the masochist that she was, she walked towards him.
"Hey, Logan." Her voice was quiet and her tone was a little gentler than what she usually used with Logan. He lifted his head; his face blank and unemotional.
"Veronica Mars, out working the corners tonight? I'm afraid I don't have any cash with me."
He said it with his typical sarcastic tone, but it was only a half-hearted attempt at getting a rise out of her. No matter how unenthusiastic an attempt it was, the desired reaction still occurred. Veronica stiffened considerably and her eyes flashed defiantly.
"You know, after your father got stabbed, I felt something strange for you. Not exactly sympathy, but I had little bit of feeling for you. Somehow, now the only emotion you evoke is hate. I'm glad it's back. I was a little wigged out by the other."
Logan finally stood from the curb that he had been seated uncomfortably on and moved to face Veronica. He had his hands behind his back and he shifted from foot to foot.
"I don't want your pity. We're not friends anymore, Veronica, and the last thing I need is you of all people feeling sorry for me."
She started to laugh at the irony of what he said. They had never really been good friends, just thrown together when he was with Lilly and she was with Duncan. Besides, she didn't think she really had it in her to feel sorry for him. She honestly didn't think pity was something she could feel towards him, just as considering him human wasn't possible. The thought almost made her physically ill.
"I never said we were friends, but I have to say, you've really re-enforced my reasons for hating you tonight. I guess you're surviving your father's near death experience."
It was Logan's turn to laugh ironically as he began to pace in nervous circles around the pavement. His head was bowed down as he studied the darkness below him, his feet dancing in an unusual step as he thought about his father's stabbing.
"It wasn't near enough, in my humble opinion."
Veronica stepped back and shoved her hands in her jean pockets. She was slightly surprised by his reaction, but not overly so. Somehow, she had known something was wrong with Logan, other than being a rich, psychotic jackass. She had sensed it long ago, but never really bothered to approach it. She had been naïve before Lilly had been killed, and let things slide. It was Lilly's responsibility to take care of Logan, or Duncan's even. Not her's. But Veronica was no longer the naïve little girl and her curiosity was piqued, as any amateur investigator's would have been.
"I know we aren't really the sharing type, but do you want to explain that last sentence?"
He stopped and faced her again. He rolled his eyes and shook his head slowly.
"Not really. I don't have to explain myself to you."
"I wouldn't dream of asking you to explain your Neanderthal behavior to me; I'm not sure I'd even want to know your explanation. It just seems like there is something more there than you're saying."
"How would you know anything about it? Your father likes you."
"And my mother ran away from me. So, it's not like I'm the picture of familial togetherness. I don't exactly have a Kodak family. If there's something wrong with your father, it might help to talk about it."
"I didn't know you were Dr. Phil, Veronica. I thought you just liked being Nancy Drew."
"I'm not trying to go all therapist on you. I'm just curious."
"I don't care if you're curious. You and I don't get along. We don't like each other. Did you forget?"
Logan resumed his nervous pacing as he waited for Veronica to reply somewhat sardonically.
"You're right, Logan. I did forget. I was blinded by my attraction to you."
That response caused Logan to stop walking again and look at Veronica's face. Veronica was grinning somewhat flirtatiously and Logan couldn't help but smirk. He almost wanted to laugh, but that would lead Veronica to think he thought she was funny. That was, of course, the last thing he wanted. He lowered his head to hide the smile that was starting to break through, but Veronica saw it.
The mood changed suddenly. Logan was quiet again; Veronica would almost describe his demeanor as contemplative, if she believed he had a brain. She watched him cautiously and she wondered why she didn't leave him on the street alone. Why she was drawn to him so suddenly and why she couldn't leave him by himself. She didn't know why she wanted to know his problems and she didn't know why she wanted to kiss him. Whoa….where did that come from? She didn't want to kiss him. Did she?
Logan glanced at Veronica, his face more vulnerable than she had ever seen it. Well, maybe at Lilly's funeral, but other than that, she'd never seen him look so - young before. He seemed to be trying to find the words to say to her, and that puzzled her. Logan usually had plenty to say to her.
"Why do you think we hate each other so much? I mean, we used to be together all the time, you, me, Lilly, and Duncan. Why do we fight so much now, Ronnie?"
The use of the pet name disconcerted her. This was the first time she'd ever heard him say it without malice since Lilly had been murdered. She bit back a biting retort about him being a jerk that couldn't tell his head from his ass, but she stopped. And she considered his question.
"I don't know. I mean, it's not like we were all hand-holding-skipping-through-the-park-friends before, Logan. We didn't really get along before everything happened."
"Everything. Lilly's murder? Duncan's catatonia?"
"Before we lost everything."
Veronica watched his reaction to her words and he seemed to know what she meant. That was the odd thing about Logan. He understood her, even when she didn't want him to. Even when no one else did. Even when they hated each other. Their conversation didn't change the pit in her stomach when she saw him. It didn't change the way she felt towards him. She still wanted to shove him off a cliff into a rocky ocean grave, but sometimes she thought she might just miss him being around. Which was even more bizarre.
"Do you ever think about Abel Koontz? Wish you could strangle him with your own bare hands?"
"I wish I could hurt whoever killed Lilly, yes. I wish I could go after them and make them see what they did to us. I wish I could stop feeling guilty about her death."
Veronica's mind flashed to the pictures she'd found in her mother's safety deposit box. Logan didn't understand the guilt. He couldn't. He just thought she felt guilty because she hadn't been there with Lilly. That wasn't it. Veronica was sure that Lilly was dead because of her, for whatever reason, and she couldn't go back in time and fix that.
Logan noticed that she didn't agree that it was Koontz that killed Lilly. And as much as he hated to admit it, Veronica had good instincts. She thought someone else had killed Lilly. And she didn't know who it was. But she was like a terrier dog; she wouldn't let it go until she found the answers she was looking for. Logan looked at Veronica and she looked angry. Bitterly angry. And she looked pretty sexy looking so angry. He almost wanted to slap himself upside the head. They were talking about Lilly and he'd jumped from her murder to how sexy Veronica looked. He was losing his mind.
Logan took three more steps towards Veronica, the distance almost closed between them. His eyes scanned over her face and he said something nice to her and the world stopped spinning.
"You have nothing to feel guilty about. Lilly would kick you out of a moving car for feeling that way."
"You don't know everything, Logan." She paused, "Hey, don't you have an injured father waiting for you in the hospital? Shouldn't you be visiting him?"
Not the smoothest of transitions, but it made his face flash angrily, instead of holding that atypical soft look on his face. "Hell hasn't frozen over, so there's going to be no visits. He doesn't - you're such a skank, Veronica."
Veronica sent him a charming smile at his comment and tried to ignore that the look of pain made her more attracted to him. She tried to ignore how they stepped inexplicably closer, as if Lilly's ghost was pushing them together. She tried to ignore how hot his breath was on her face as he leaned down. And she tried to ignore how good he tasted when his lips finally crushed down on hers. He wasn't gentle in his kiss. Veronica had never been kissed the way he was kissing her. Duncan had always been a sweet kisser, even when he was kissing her hungrily. Logan was not a sweet kisser. Her lips felt bruised as he devoured them, as if there was no ending to the kiss. She stumbled backwards and hit a telephone pole and Logan pushed her farther into it. She couldn't process what was happening, not even the pain of the staples from the pole digging into her back. He couldn't process it. It was just the two of them, existing, anger boiling between them. Anger and passion and an unexplainable attraction that made them want more.
His tongue suddenly traced her lower lip and she moaned from the pleasure of it. His tongue fought for entry and she let it happen. There tongues battled for control as they slid over one another and Veronica knew that she had never been kissed like that and likely never would be again, unless Logan was doing the kissing. She knew she couldn't let Logan kiss her again. She finally pulled away, gasping for breath, the inside of her mouth tickling, her lips swollen and red. She stared at Logan in shock and the cockiness was back in his face.
"Had lotsa practice, have you?" He couldn't help but say it; he had to break the uncomfortable attraction that he felt for her as well as the awkward silence.
She slapped him and then pulled him down for another kiss. He complied with no complaints, because as much as he despised the girl in front of him, he needed her. The feeling was foreign to him as he felt her taking control of the kiss. But he let her and he forgot everything at the moment. Lilly. His father. All there was in his mind was Veronica, in his body, Veronica, in his every sensation, Veronica. And he didn't care.
Veronica slid out from underneath the heaviness of his body and jerked away from his lips. She stared at him, almost mortified at what she had just done. But Veronica Mars never got mortified, not anymore. She saw this smile on Logan that didn't make her want to puke and she almost returned the smile. But she couldn't. She started to back away from him, unable to say anything. And she left him outside the school, by a telephone pole and she knew she couldn't think of him anymore. Because she might start to like him and if that happened, she might as well hurl herself off a bridge or run in front of a moving car. Logan Echolls would be just as suicidal for her as any of the other methods of killing herself. And she wasn't going to let her life end because of some boy who hated her, because of some boy she hated. She had to hate him for her own survival. And the same went for him. Lilly understood. Duncan expected it. And Veronica and Logan wouldn't have it any other way. A moment of weakness had abounded from Veronica or Logan, depending on who was thinking it. She chalked it up to the stars and the feelings she felt after seeing a man stabbed. And Logan would do the same. It could never be anything more, except when they laid in bed, alone in the middle of the night, remembering the kiss that brought up feelings that never should even exist.