Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach, but I am grateful for the opportunity to use Tito Kube's characters for my own selfish pleasure. I also do not own any of the songs used in this either.
Just for grins and giggles. Enjoy. Reviews are welcome.
"Two hell butterflies? This had better be important, Captain K. I was in the middle of a good bar fight." Glancing around to make sure no one saw him talking to himself, Renji flash-stepped over the rooftops of the Seireitei, arriving quickly at the front door of the Kuchiki estate. He rang the bell, a deep resonant chord echoing through the house. "I guess this is what they call the good side of town."
"Ah, Mr. Abarai, Captain Kuchiki is waiting for you, sir."
"Hey, Jeeves, what's this about anyway?" Renji elbowed his way past the butler into the house.
"Your shoes, sir."
"My shoes? What about my…? Oh," Renji removed his shoes and placed them by the door.
"And your blade, sir," said the butler, holding out his hands.
"What? Nobody takes my bad boy, Jeeves."
"Your blade, sir." The butler pointed to the wall, where blades and swords of many sizes were lined up according to height.
Renji reluctantly handed over his zanpakutou. "This had better be good, Jeeves."
"And your socks, sir. Your tabi."
"My what?" Renji stared in disbelief. "Look, I didn't come here to play strip butler with you, dude…"
"Abarai, is that you? Show him in, Kenshin." A commanding voice from another room called to him. "You're late, and you're harassing Kenshin, my man servant. Come in, remove your socks, and put your feet into a bucket of water. That's an order, Abarai."
"You better not be laughing, Jeeves."
"Oh, no, sir. Kenshin is the one who is laughing. Follow me."
The red-head followed the butler into a spacious living area. To his surprise, a number of his Shinigami friends and captains were sitting around the room, some chatting amiably, others looking a bit uncomfortable, all with their feet in pans of warm water.
To his right as he entered sat captains Kenpachi Zaraki, Mayuri Kurotsuchi, and Retsu Unohana. Next to her sat Captain Byakuya Kuchiki, in regal form. To his immediate right on the same divan, was Shuuhei Hisagi. He reminded Renji of a deer surrounded by bright lights. Next to him was an empty seat, then Captain Toshiro Hitsugaya, and Rangiku Matsumoto. On Renji's left, the circle continued in the opposite direction with Kira Izuru, Ikkaku Madarame, and a few other assorted lower ranked Shinigamis filling out the circle.
"Renji, there's a seat over here," Shuuhei said, a little too anxiously.
"Nonsense, Hisagi, that would never do," tsked Captain Kuchiki. "You and I are bonding. We cannot bond as captain to hopeful-future-captain if Abarai is in the middle."
"Besides, I believe this is my seat," said Captain Jushiro Ukitake pleasantly, returning from a trip to the patio for fresh air. "I hope you don't mind, Vice Captain Hisagi. My afternoon snack is a bit unsettled in my system." He leaned in closely from Hisagi's right. "I'll apologize now. I may be a little flatulent throughout the course of the evening. It's my disease. I have to eat a lot to keep up my strength, and I am sometimes not as discriminating in my choices as I should be."
"Not…not a problem, sir," stammered Hisagi, having already been a victim of Jushiro's wind that evening.
"Abarai," Kuchiki commanded, "join the vice captains on the other side of the room. This side is for captains and captains-to-be. Right, Hisagi?" Byakuya bent forward to stir the water in Shuuhei's pan. "Find a seat and soak your feet." The corner of his mouth tilted slightly upward at his rhyme, not enough for anyone to notice.
Over his back, Hisagi, looking desperate, mouthed, save me!
As his captain straightened up, Renji shrugged sorry at Shuuhei, took his seat next to Kira, and plunged his feet into a steaming bucket of water.
"Now, I'm adding a foot bath moisturizing bead from our ZanpakYourToes Foot Collection. Spread it around in the water with your toes until it evaporates. You will see how smooth and refreshed your feet feel."
In the middle of the circle next to a table full of boxes, bottles and jars, stood Yumichika Ayasegawa, resplendent in a silver-trimmed black smock with 'Sarah Tay' embroidered along the deep pockets. A silver rose rested on his left lapel above a sparkly red name badge which read 'Yumichika Ayasegawa, Independent Sarah Tay Consultant, Circle of Beauty Winner.' On his head sat a silver pill-box hat with a small veil rakishly tipped to the left. His normal feathers had been replaced with silver and red ones: three on his right eyebrow and three in his right lash line. Even Kenpachi Zaraki was begrudgingly impressed by the stunning man.
As Yumichika added bath beads to the various tubs of water, he continued, "You also get the Exfoliating Foot Scrub and the Cooling Eucalyptus Treatment all for the same low price. We here at 'Sarah Tay' like to say that you get 'more bankai for your buck.' I've given you all catalogs and order forms. As we go through the products and I demonstrate them, you can write them down on your order form, and I'll help you finalize your orders later on."
"Do you like it, Hisagi?" asked Byakuya.
"Sure. It feels good, but how much is it?" asked Hisagi skimming through a 'Sarah Tay' catalog. "I'm kind of on a budget right now."
"Page 14 in the catalog," Yumichika added helpfully. The sound of flipping pages filled the room.
"Yow, that's three days' pay!"
"A truly rich man is not bothered by price," intoned Byakuya. "If you plan to become a captain, Vice Captain, you must start thinking like one."
"Yea, I know, but three days' pay for a bunch of foot soak stuff?" protested Hisagi.
"Yes, but it's the best 'foot-soak-stuff' that your feet will ever have the pleasure to soak in," enthused Yumichika. "And it's your lucky day, Hisagi, because it's 'Three for Three' day! Three marvelous products for only three days' pay! Isn't it marvelous the way that works out?"
"Hisagi will take two," Byakuya said firmly.
Hisagi's mouth dropped open. "But that's six days…"
"A captain must take care of himself. He cannot stand in front of his men and think only of his cracked feet."
"But I'm not a captain yet."
"Nor will you be anytime soon, if you do not take proactive steps to secure the votes and recommendations of the current captains, starting tonight with those here this evening," Byakuya lectured.
"But, sir, I can't afford…"
"Nonsense, Hisagi, you can't afford not to…"
"But I already owe Kira…"
"Did you know that captains make double, sometimes triple, what vice captains make, Hisagi?" asked Byakuya calmly.
"No, sir, I…"
"Once you become a captain, like me, money will be no object, not that I have ever had to worry about money. So it is in your best interest to become a captain as soon as possible, and that means pleasing the existing captains, so that we will write stellar recommendations for you. Is that not correct?"
"Yes, sir…"
"And to please us means that you are willing to follow our advice and do as we say, correct?"
"Yes, sir," he sighed.
"I would not steer you wrong, Hisagi. I am, after all, the best thing that has ever happened to you and your career."
Shuuhei shook his head in disbelief. Surely one of them was losing his mind. He just wasn't sure who it was at that point.
"Then, as I said," Byakuya turned his attention to Yumichika. "Hisagi will take two." He pointed an elegant finger at the order form in Shuuhei's lap. "Write it down, write it down," he urged impatiently.
"Make it three, Hisagi. Your rubber girlfriend needs a pedicure," yelled Renji from the other side of the room.
"Excellent idea, Abarai. Three, Hisagi. One can never have enough foot scrub."
If looks could kill, Shuuhei would have been standing over Renji's lifeless body just then.
Byakuya continued, "Why can you not have good ideas at the office too, Abarai?"
"A sense of humor," said Kenpachi. "Who knew?"
Byakuya leaned over Hisagi's order form. "Change that to a three."
"But that's nine days' pay…" exclaimed Hisagi.
Ignoring the protesting man beside him, Captain Kuchiki took his pen and changed the number himself.
"Oh, if this keeps up," he said with a small chirp in his voice, "I'll have enough orders for my hostess gift."
"Hostess gift, sir?" Puzzled, Shuuhei looked at him, trying to figure out how this man had become a captain without anyone figuring out that he was crazy.
"Yes, for hosting this party, I get points for everything ordered. The more that is ordered, the more points I get. I can trade them in for prizes. I have my eye on something called golf…clubs."
"Golf clubs, sir?"
"Yes, from what I understand, Hisagi, golf is a training program for accuracy, strength, and fortitude in the land of the living. Golf clubs are long, narrow weapons used to propel round projectiles through the air at hollows in the ground. The round projectile is put through the hole in one. I have never heard of these ground hollows before, but one cannot be caught unaware by one's enemies. Therefore, I am taking it upon myself to train in this discipline of golf. Besides, I'm bored. I have already achieved and mastered bankai. What else is there for me to do?"
"Gee, I dunno, sir. Kill me? Put me out of my misery?"
"Quit complaining, my dear boy," said Byakuya, placing his hand on Hisagi's thigh, "You'll thank me in the end."
"Not the visual picture I want, sir."
"Make it four foot scrub sets, Hisagi. I hear four is a number used frequently for golf."
Part One of Five - Please keep reading! ;o)