Okay, this is for the long suffering Liason fans! It's snarky and bitchy and mean, but by god i had fun writing it. )
Disclaimer: You only wish i owned it.
Realizations
Isn't it funny, how, looking back, it's all so clear. So easy to tell how stupid you've been. How totally blind.
I see them and wonder if he ever really loved me.
I doubt it.
What isn't funny is how bitter it makes you. Knowing you were nothing but a place holder. Small and brunette. But not the right small brunette.
I know now. I can see all the little things.
He always held the door for her. When she spoke, when she called. How intently he would listen.
How no one else's opinion mattered.
Courtney knew. She watched me watching them and she smiled. The only time I saw her be cruel was that smile. In some twisted way it amused her to see me standing on the same cracked ground she abandoned.
Broken up and riddled with chasms.
All the little details.
Why he could never call the hospital to check on someone. He always had to go in person.
Why he would stand looking at the docks for hours on end.
Why he thought Sonny's Christmas tree, with its delicate glass and light, was ugly, and ours had only paper stars and pinecones.
Why he flinched when I said more than friends.
All those gestures I thought were romantic. Nothing more than his subconscious proffering vague imitations of something better. Something brighter. Some different kind of light.
He was always asking what I saw.
He never took me for rides.
And that paper covered canvas in the bedroom closet I wasn't to touch.
I feel lost in this clarity. It shows me all the ways in which my life had no foundation. How it was built up out of someone else's images and words. A mockery of someone else's fairytale.
This clarity shows me how I was only a roadblock to their happy ending.
My life. It just shifts to fit the story. I've lost me. I'm an arm attachment, a background detail, a temporary fix.
I hate Elizabeth for having him first.
I hate her for having him back.
But most of all I hate her for the very thing that captured Jason's heart.
Knowing exactly who she is.