My Little Gear: Friendship Is Science
a fanfic by Chun-Li Pyle and Munchkin Masher
Chapter 1
Solid Snake slid behind cover, missiles flying by as he crouched down and activated his codec, not particularly caring who he was calling. A few rings later and Peppy is on the line, asking him to try 40 barrel rolls in five minutes. Not knowing initially how to barrel roll as just a human, he leaps into the air, rolling like his life depends on it, which, incidentally, it does. Bullets and flying explosives whip by his lithe, whirling frame until eventually one shoots him Team Rocket-style into the air, screaming until the twinkle in the sky.
Snake lands in Paris, France, reclining lazily in a delicate metal latticed chair, across from a stunned Simon Belmont, reclining naked on the roof of his French vacation home. Snake vomits from both the velocity and the sight of Belmont in the buff, to which Belmont replies "Well damn, I wasn't expecting company. Are you, by chance a vampire?" Snake spits back "No, but I could bleed you dry with my knife if I wanted!"
Snake, for whatever reason, removes all of his clothes and lunges at Simon, knife in hand, only to find that Simon is ready to rumble, whip flying out and snapping the knife from Snake's hand. Snake keeps going anyway, and then a naked Kasumi opens the door to the roof, wondering why they were naked if she wasn't around. Both instantly stop the fight to stare at Kasumi, and then Kasumi has a sudden heart attack, instantly bringing both of the combatants to their senses.
Simon turns to Snake, screaming "I'LL CRY WHEN I'M DONE KILLING!" before whipping Snake's genitalia into falling off. Simon dresses immediately and mourns his fallen mistress. Little does he know that Snake isn't fazed by such things as a loss of genitalia, and is sneaking up behind him for a killing blow. Snake reaches out, pulls the pin from a hand grenade on his person, sticks it up Simon's ass and runs like hell. He jumps off the roof as Simon, as well as Kasumi's corpse, explode and burn away.
After hitting the ground, he finds that all of his wounds are healed by the miraculous Ration held in his abstract "item" slot. As he rounds the corner, rolling his shoulders, Eggplant Wizard walks right into him and demands Snake come with him to see Princess Celestia, who is currently on vacation in Hyrule. Snake complies on one condition, that condition being that Eggplant Wizard must help him destroy Metal Gear. Eggplant Wizard happily agrees, since back in the day he assisted in the development of Metal Gear but didn't receive credit over the main scientists involved in the ordeal.
Once they arrive at Hyrule, Celestia turns up missing, kidnapped, in fact, by the dreaded Bikke the Pirate, Scourge of the Seas. Snake, disgruntled, calls upon Raiden, Raiden from Mortal Kombat (referred to among the group as Straight Raiden), William Neigh The Science Geigh and Rainbow Dash to help exact revengeance on Bikke. They find Bikke holed up in the Temple of Fiends, which is quickly disproven by Will, as it cannot, in fact, exist. The Temple vanishes into the realms of possibility, leaving Bikke's actual location still unknown.
They find a clue at Captain Falcon's mansion in Mute City, where Bikke was spotted in the act of vandalism, spraypainting "Bikie wuz her, Bikky is nao in Tetris" on the western wall with obvious criminal intent. The police lost him, though, when they checked the nearby Tetris courts, with not a pirate in sight. Straight Line Tetronimo, however, tells them he may be hiding out in the more obscure Dr. Mario, since he prefers to hide in less well-known areas. Taking this hint the police, or, as they refer to themselves, the Fuzz, embark on a quest to find this area.
They quickly disappear into Super Mario World, never to be heard from again, much to the dismay of Snake and the crew. They take a more subdued route, through Super Mario RPG, befriending Geno into being the sixth member of their crew by giving him fresh pepperoni stuffed crust pizza. They figured with Geno's navigational skills, they would quickly find the giant pill jar of Tetromino lore. Geno succeeds with little effort, having known all along where the jar was, and having completed his task quickly reveals he was on Bikke's side the whole time.
Snake's first thought after this shocking double-cross is "Damn, I could have had that fucking pizza", but after regaining focus, he shoots Bikke in the face with his SOCOM, as pirates just don't have the technology to deflect bullets. Seeing Bikke defeated so easily, Geno surrenders, promising to lead them to Celestia in under 20 minutes, a feat that would normally unlock Captain Falcon in the original Super Smash Bros on the N64 but instead helps them find Celestia, cooped up in a peasantly dungeon cell. It proves hard to open, due to Bikke's inexpertise with locks, and solution of simply breaking the key off in the hole.
Luckily, Raiden and Straight Raiden combine their bodies to form Superaiden, a character made of pure WTF. Superaiden puts his hands together, forming a stronger key that could easily open the door. When testing this solution, the door bursts into flames, physics giving up on it entirely. Snake performs his new barrel roll into the room, finding Celestia with her hoof being trapped in a magic-free beartrap, crying in agony, her magic unable to do anything about it or the pain. Rainbow Dash looks on in horror, but toughs it out to chew Celestia's hoof off, freeing her in only the most badass of ways.
Snake nods silently, giving his approval, as Will devises a way to escape in the most scientifically plausible situation imaginable, deciding on simply walking back the way in which they came, reinstating physics as they go. Raiden and Straight Raiden split to comply with this new scientific dream, and together the group heads toward the Sonic in Station Square, managed by none other than... you guessed it... Knuckles.
Snake orders all of the shakes they can fit into his inventory, quickly destroying the local economy when he hides in a box while no one is looking and skips on the bill. Will orders next, requesting those delicious cheese-covered tots in a footlong container, with the rest just wanting burgers. Laughing at their mediocre choices, Snake and Will hang out in their badass box fort, eating the economy's delicious products as they chat about the likelihood of Metal Gear's existence.
The rest look on in fear as the horrible economy physically manifests itself into a giant money monster that resembles Bowser, but made of paper monies and coins from all over the universe. This monster first attacks LA before running to Station Square bringing joy to the lives of hobos all along its path before finally succumbing to Will's physics field and collapsing in a pile of bills and coins. Will emerges from the box, raising an eyebrow as he pockets some hundreds, coldly stating that this shit could never feasibly happen, since money could not develop a brain, not even collectively. Will and Snake mutually agree to disband the group after traveling to Montreal seeking to prove Metal Gear's nonexistence and save the world. Snake tracks down the errant Eggplant Wizard, intent that he should hold up his end of the bargain and finds Eggplant Wizard dead in an alleyway, apparently having been curbstomped to death by Eggplant Men.
Snake calls upon Jim Hawkins from Treasure Planet to help him exact further revengeance, accidentally summoning Cyborg Raiden from the ashes of the future. Will gasps in shock, going into a coma from the massive breach of science, prompting Snake's anus to explode from the science bomb Will secretly planted up in there during the Bikke confrontation. Disturbed, Jim goes into catatonic shock, whilst Cyber Raiden summons Metal Gear from the distant realms of impossibility, beginning an all-out war on donuts.
Snake reaches out weakly, calling for Raiden, before finally screaming out "FOR SCIIIIIIEEEEEEEENNNNCE" and exploding alongside Cyber Raiden with the power of scientific telekinesis, or STK for short. However, this does not stop Metal Gear from functioning, instead granting it incredible artificial intelligence.
Metal Gear looks up to the sky, pausing for a moment before blasting off for space, and adventures into the realms of science. With the spirit of Will in Metal Gear's heart, it seeks to solve the long-standing question of the true length of the universe in millimeters, taking a metric measuring tape up to the cosmos. Its starting point is infinity, with a projected ending point of "and beyond." Metal Gear's quest saves the world from nuclear annihilation, bringing about the fabled era of scientific peace and prosperity. Will, unfortunately, did not see this as rational, and attempts to replace Metal Gear's enlightened artificial intelligence with his own, to attempt to bring back an era of rationality that will prevent any implausible circumstances ever again.
The first to find out was Jesus, during his second coming, during which he disproved science and implemented a magical replacement for physics. Jesus, seeing Will as his final rival, challenges him to a duel atop the Nile River, since Jesus is able to walk on the water there. Will accepts, but does so in a scientifically plausible boat, prompting a nautically themed chase scene culminating in various police forces stopping them with screams of "Stop! You've violated the law!" Jesus, ashamed, calls upon his buddy Magicop, the offspring of a particularly drunk Robocop and a particularly horny Magikarp, to do the cop-talking for him. Magicop, however, only splashes around on the ground , having learned nothing of law and everything of being useless in his many years of life.
Jesus throws his hat down in disgust, further ashamed that his friend would be as useless as he just proved to be, and uses his magical powers to make Will's boat stall. Will, in response, disproves the existence of magic with a well-drawn flow chart showing him as the clear victor. Jesus sighs, conceding defeat, gives up his magic powers to strengthen Celestia's, since they became friends at summer camp a while back, and takes up a life of pure science.