Tohru: Hi, I'm Tohru Honda, and I'm the protagonist of this story! Well, kind of… sort of… not really... But anyway: today, our story takes place in Feudal Japan, and it's based on a play I've never even heard about. But don't worry, you can understand it even if you have no idea what it's supposed to be a crossover with! So sit back and enjoy… It starts with me in a spooky forest… with a spooky girl!

STARTING CREDITS

Tohru Honda was terrified. The girl in front of her gave a wicked smile and leaned her head slightly to the left. Her general behaviour hinted not at all subtly at utter insanity… And when she spoke, it was in a deranged gleeful whisper that left very little doubts about the matter:

"Have you ever heard…" she said "about the Evil Daimyo of Fruittygore?"

"The Evil Daimyo of Fruittygore?!" cried Tohru.

*Dramatic chords*

*Zoom in on Tohru's horrified expression*

"Yes," continued the now certifiably crazy girl in front of her, with an expression of excessive innocence "the Evil Daimyo of Fruittygore. He's the Lord of this black forest; I'd have thought you'd guess based on the black trees and zombie rabbits..."

Now that the other girl mentioned it, the surroundings did look like they'd been arranged by Blatantly Evil, Ltd; and that didn't make Tohru feel any safer.

"B… But…" she stuttered "I… I thought he was an urban legend?"

The other girl looked at her:

"An urban legend?" she said "An urban legend? The Evil Daimyo of Fruittygore an urban legend? That's… more crazy than I am!"

"It… it is?" said Tohru.

"Well, yes" said the madwoman, suddenly very calm "Whoever heard of an urban legend in rural, feudal Japan?"

"Oh, that's right…" said Tohru "But still… it's very hard for me to believe you… My family always told me the Evil Daimyo of Fruittygore doesn't exist!"

"Ah… " said the madwoman "Then I'll have to prove to you that he does exist!'

"Ontologically?" enquired Tohru.

"Shut up and listen!" said the madwoman.

And Tohru shut up and listened.

"Now, as I was saying…" started the madwoman "a MANY years ago, when I was young and charming…"

"You still are!" said Tohru in a sweet tone.

"Thank you!" said the madwoman in a sweeter tone.

"You're welcome!" said Tohru in an even sweeter tone.

"If you interrupt me again, I'm going to have to hurt you…" said the madwoman in the sweetest tone of all.

"Ok…" said Tohru, with a polite smile.

And then, she really shut up; and the madwoman began her narrative:

"Once upon a time, I was a happy young maid…" she said "I had a non-kitten shaped bag, and I was nearly half sane"

Indeed, she held a schoolbag in the shape of an orange kitten; and in feudal Japan, too. That's quite mad!

"But then… things went wrong…" she continued: "The Evil Daimyo of Fruittygore wooed me, and I, a simple-minded maiden, fell for him at once!"

"Oh no!" cried Tohru.

"Oh yes..." said the madwoman, in a sad tone "But then, because he was so utterly evil, he abandoned me. And I went mad!"

*Sad chords*

"I can see that…" said Tohru "It's a very sad story…"

"It is…" said the madwoman.

"Yes," said Tohru "But I don't see how adding corroborative detail about his evil deeds can possible help me believe that he exists!"

" Oh…" said the madwoman, quite surprised "I hadn't thought of that…"

"Don't worry" said Tohru, cherrily "We all make mistakes!"

"I guess you're right…" said the madwoman "And I don't see why I shouldn't make mistakes; I am after all, Mad Kagura…"

"Mad who?" asked Tohru alarmed:

"Mad Kagura!"
"Mad Kagura?!"

*Dramatic chords*

*Zoom in on Tohru's horrified expression*

It was Mad Kagura!

"Yes…" she said "I'm mad Kagura…"

"But…" muttered Tohru "I thought you were a legend too!"

"Well, I'm not" said Kagura "And you should seriously reconsider your sources. But now, kind maiden that I've fortuitously encountered in the middle of the woods, I'd like you to help me with something…"

"Yes?" said Tohru.

"I'd like to know where Tohru Honda is"

*Suspense chords*

"T… Tohru Honda?" muttered Tohru Honda.

"Yes…" said Kagura "I want to kill here!"

*Dramatic chords*

END CREDITS

Next time, on Fruittygore:

Kisa: on a bridge: Hiro! The factory's going to explode!

Yuki: at centre stage: I am your evil twin!

Akito: on mount Doom: Kill the hobbits!

Ayame: in space: No, Tohru! Don't! Yuki is… your grandmother!