Disclaimer: I do not own Dragon Age, it is all Biowares and their awesome team of writers.

Spoilers: Through to end game, possibly The Stolen Throne and The Calling

Author's Note: Got to the end of my first play through and thought about the mage origin extensively. I thought what would happen if my Amell returned, how would that effect Cullen and their relationship.

Backstory: Amell and Cullen before she leaves for the Wardens are friends. She betrays Jowan and Lily. She Romances Alistair but makes him King at the Landsmeet. She also sides with Bhelen, the Lady of the Forest, Caridin and the Mages for the main quests, however Irving dies. She saves Conner from the Fade, Arl Eamon with the Ashes but persuades them to let Jowan go. She allows Alistair to kill Loghain and he takes the throne alone. Morrigan's ritual is done but not according to the game. Amell befriends all the characters though not all will appear.

So here we go ... my first fanfic ... ever

Chapter One: The Day the World is like a Bottomless Glass

Cullen stood on watch looking into space. The day had been uneventful since the majority of the mages had gone to Denerim. They were to help with the final battle against the arch demon and since its defeat were slowly trickling back to the tower. Very few had returned but enough that the Circle was beginning to return to its previous state of calm and peace. Cullen could understand their reluctance. In the months that followed the Circle's return to normalcy before the call to war the tower was under intense scrutiny. Cullen scowled. He wished it had been different after its fall, but she had chosen to save the mages instead of killing them all. He wished they had died then maybe he could have had a restful nights sleep instead of waking in a cold sweat, but he knew she would never endanger others without reason. He sighed at his own thoughts, he hated how even after all that had happened he still thought she made the right decision, even if at the moment he felt she had betrayed him.

Damn it she hadn't though he said to himself.

She had done what was right, as far as he knew; she had come to save her family, the only one she had ever known since coming to the Circle. Damn it. Even after what had happened he still couldn't understand what his mind thought about her. Had he loved her? Was it just a lustful desire? Did he truly even know her? Then he would remember how her eyes had betrayed her when he spouted off his feelings. They looked shocked, then hurt and then angry. But even then he had scorned her away, the stupid fancies of a naïve boy; she had turned to her blonde companion then. Afterwards he had believed that was part of the demons trick, until the cage fell and he knew she had truly retuned. The endless questions and the endless silence plagued at him and he knew his attempts at understanding it were pointless. He would never know how she felt and why would he want to? She was a mage.

He breathed in deeply. There was no use thinking about it now. She was gone now, if not from the Circle, from him anyway. The 'blonde companion' she had been with and with the group of odd and strange companions, she was with them now. The blonde one had turned out to be the King, The King, of all people. Damn him. Did he even know how lucky he was? He didn't have vows, he didn't have restrictions, he could, could touch her, even innocently. He could be her friend, he could make her laugh and be with her outside the tower. How could Cullen compare to him?

I should not dwell on this, he thought. He shook his head and tried to settle back onto his watch but he was troubled by the sudden sound of laughing and battering of doors down the hall. He looked to the door where the approaching sounds were coming from. He certainly didn't expect what he next saw as the door flung open.

Two small figures trying to hold a third, her, up as they stumbled around the hallway.

"Zev … Zev help me here will you, I can't hold her much longer," muttered the dwarf, "by the stone she's heavier than she looks".

The dwarf winced as she leaned onto him, completely comatose. Cullen just looked at her, a huge smile across her face, but asleep, completely asleep, what was wrong with her? He felt he should move but the anger he felt held him back and he remained stoic.

"Oghren, you really should take your time you've … hic … hardly been keeping yourself at full strength," came the exotic voice of the elf. "Please let me take the fair maiden from your arms."

They clambered into the hallway and swayed trying to hold up the completely inebriated mage as they walked towards one of the rooms. The smell of ale was becoming apparent to Cullen, now he understood what was wrong with her.

"And have her wake up to the likes of you … in her bed … I'd rather face the arch demon again than have her come and hunt me down. I may be a drunk but I'm not stupid," he grasped the mage with both hands and tried to throw her over his shoulders. He failed and she bounced off his shoulder and back into his arms.

"Right which is her room?" he said gruffly looking at the doors through one eye.

Cullen looked at them through his helm. Was the question directed at him?

"Oi! Chantry boy!" the red-headed dwarf yelled.

Obviously it had been. He moved forward, the elf gave him a quizzical look, just realising he was there.

"It's the third on the right," Cullen said, pointing to the correct door. When he thought about it, it had barely been her room more than a day before she has left and joined the Grey Wardens but the mages had moved all the belongings that she had left into her newly acquired status expecting her return.

"Well then, if you could help us, Chantry boy we'd be much appreciated. Myself and the Elf". Oghren sighed as he tried to keep Amilia's head up while trying and failing to hold her up, her feet dragging behind him.

"Elf … is that what I am now …" he scoffed. Cullen couldn't quite place his lifting accent but he knew it wasn't Orlesian.

"It's what you are!" he turned to Cullen "we… can't really hold this one that well … too many legs and all …

He stammered on … but Cullen was already being handed her. He reached forward and took her in his arms before the dwarf dropped her. He looked to the dwarf; eyes wide as the two men turned and staggered off, leaving her with him.

"You're leaving her here?" he exclaimed.

"You've got strong arms she'll be fine with you. Make sure she's actually in bed before you leave her. If we're not back, tell her we'll be at the Princess," the dwarf replied him, looking over his shoulder at Cullen. He and the elf continued walking towards the way they had come.

"Unfortunately her ladyship cannot hold much liquor. Besides I have an appointment with a fair bar maiden to get back to and my dear dwarf friend here has a drinking contest to win." He smiled as he slapped the dwarf on the back.

The dwarf laughed and they turned and left Cullen holding the sweet smelling mage in his arms.

Cullen's face darkened as they staggered away. Typical, he thought. He looked at the small form in his arms. Her face so content and peaceful there was no hint of the battle she had been through on her face in the dim light. He signed and cursed silently, and made his way to the door, he did not like this but he had no choice. He laid her gently onto the bed and looked at her, her face now creased and her forehead scrunched, she was thinking about something, something important. Then her face relaxed and tears came to her eyes and he felt something he hadn't felt since she left. He pushed it aside and placed the blanket over her then left the room. He would have to inform Greagoir about this and eventually Wynne. Before he closed the door he looked to the bed once more, she mumbled a few words but they were incoherent to him. He signed again, just as things seemed at least calm and peaceful she had to show up. He would deal with this tomorrow, there was no point in dwelling on it now, it wasn't as if he would sleep now even after his duty.

~v~

Amilia groaned. The night's activities weighed heavily on her temples. She growled in annoyance as she felt the sickening feeling in her stomach.

Ugh why? Why did I challenge the dwarf again?

She slowly opened her eyes, winching as the daylight streamed through her window. Another day and she was still alive, not that it mattered whether she lived or died she didn't care as long as the pain stopped. She felt her way about the bed, wondering who exactly had put her to bed. Fear suddenly gripped her but she soon relaxed, she was fully clothed and no-one was with her. She cursed herself for thinking otherwise and relaxed back into the bed. It was more likely that it would be Zevran next to her and no-one else, though she could trust that nothing would have happen if it had been him. She sighed as she remembered the conversations last night. It had all but been the same evening since she had left Denerim, walking home to the Circle visiting most of the Inns on the way back. Zev and Oghren had insisted they come with her once she had told them of her plan. Neither had pressed the matter of her reasons for leaving but they refused to let their fearless leader go on alone. Zevran had known of course but he never said anything and she was grateful for that, no amount of talking about it was going to change anything.

The usual How dare he? What was I thinking? I can't believe he asked me to do that? Who the hell did she think she was? Betrayal! Bastard! Bitch! I love you guys! Zev I knew should've jumped in the tent with you! … the usual and never-ending conversation as she tried to mourn her losses.

She furrowed her brow, an unanswered question lay on her mind and also the panic that now began to grow in her belly.

How did they get back to the tower she thought? How did they even know what room was her own?

She slowly got up and walked to the bathroom area and washed her face, her head began to swim in a haze of fog. She gripped the bowl, as she felt the room spin and groaned. Why couldn't things be easier to forget? Her concentration was interrupted when her door flew open with a large bang. She groaned as its echo clattered in her brain painfully.

"Where the hell have you been?" the older mages voice shrilled.

Amilia winched but smiled, it had been a few weeks since she had heard that familiar voice. She turned and looked at her old mentor and companion.

Better face the music now, she thought.

"It's good to see you Wynne."

The calmness of her voice surprised not only herself but the other mage. Wynne stopped, smile and suddenly pulled Amilia to her, hugging her tightly.

"Have you any idea how worried we have been?" she scolded into Amilia's long blonde hair. "I've been sick to worry since Alistair and Leliana told me you had left Denerim three weeks ago. Where have you been?" she added pulling away to look at her.

Wynne saw the younger mage winch and then smile at the mention of the others.

"What happened?" refusing to remove her grasp until she got something out of her.

"I don't want to talk about it Wynne. Not yet anyway." Amilia pulled away and sighed her eyes landing on anything except Wynne's piercing gaze.

"I'm home, that's all that matters now and I'm not leaving. I heard you needed help in rebuilding and that's why I'm here. I don't belong anywhere else." She finally met her gaze and offered her mentor a small smile.

Wynne looked at her. Something had happened to change her mind about things, be it maturity or the realisation of responsibility; it had caught up with her.

"Very well. I won't press you for now, I'm glad you're safe. I've had so many letters to see if you have returned or if I'd heard from you."

Ami nodded as she felt her temples rage on. Her boys weren't about so she asked.

"Where are Zev and Oghren? I don't remember much of last night" she said as her hands went to her temples again.

The older mage scoffed.

"I'm not surprised. Those two! They took you all the way back from the Princess and dumped you with poor Cullen before returning. I suspect they're still there now."

Ami's face went red and her smile dropped. He had put her to bed!

"What do you mean they dumped me with Cullen?" she asked, unsure if she really wanted to know the answer.

At that point someone knocked before she could answer and Wynne called to enter. It was Cullen that entered.

Oh Maker strike me down … please … anything but this …she begged as Cullen began to speak. She didn't look at him and almost glued her gaze to the floor willing the ground to open up and swallow her whole.

"Your dwarf friend asked me to help you to your room. You were asleep and he was struggling to carry you there. I picked you up and then they both left. I placed you in your room and then returned to my duties."

Please Maker … Andraste … ANYONE … anything but this. He just HAD to see me like that!

Ami could feel her face burning, whether either of them noticed was another matter. She glanced up to Cullen his voice was very matter of fact about it and restrained. Ami now noticed that he was refusing to look at her directly and instead looked at something behind her. She understood why and it pained at her heart. She was the one that had restored the Circle; she had saved the mages, the mages that could have been possessed by blood magic, and the blood magic that had killed his friends and nearly broke him. She had caused him so much pain and had never even had the chance to explain herself. She did not deserve to be called his friend not after what had happened. It was her decision, her burden to bear and she understood his rage and anger because she would be the same if in his stead.

She swallowed hard. Then there were the dormant feelings about him, before she had found him in that Maker forsaken cage, before he had spouted his own desires and before Alis …

Stop thinking about it Amilia, she cursed herself silently. You are a fool and a pretty dam gullible one at that, have you forgotten already how well that turned out. Her voice betrayed her however.

"H … hello Cullen," she finally said, her face burned slightly redder and she quickly, looked at the floor and tried to regain her composure but she knew he had noticed. His expression didn't change much only softening slightly as he grunted on.

"I told Greagoir and Wynne you were here after that," he continued.

Wynne thanked him and he excused himself talking about duties that he needed to attend to. When he was gone Amilia face dropped she looked at Wynne.

"Tell me what happened?" her face was wrought with worry. She put her hand on Amilia's shoulder, her eyes looking for answers in Amilia's face.

"Does it matter what happened," she began quietly. "You were right Wynne. I was so stupid, so selfish to think things would be different."

She shrugged off Wynne's hand turned away and looked to the window. She heard Wynne sigh deeply and she knew that meant, it was a sign of acknowledgement. Amilia clenched her fists, damn it. She had just admitted it, she was a failure, and she had been a fool to let herself be ruled by her emotions by idle fantasy and dreams. Damn it.

"I came home … be … because I have no where else to go. Because you need me and…and I need this. I have nothing else Wynne. Please, please let me stay."

She was pleading, begging Wynne not to turn her away. She needed a reason to stay; she needed something, she needed a purpose and something she could build on for the future.

"Amilia Amell, you are always welcome here. This is your home and you know I'm right when I say this. You can take the mage out of the Circle but you can't take the Circle out of the mage." She smiled warmly.

Amilia laughed, it had been a while since she had a good reason to laugh soberly.

"Thank you Wynne. I'm so grateful to be home."

~v~