Dry These Tears
By Kay (AKA Sp00kyfile)
Disclaimer: I don't own the Digimon. ::pauses evily:: Yet.
Author's Note: Okay, this is my first Digimon fic I've posted. ::gulps:: Be kind. Be gentle. I'm trying best I can!!! I haven't even seen all the episodes yet... (due to the evil time schedule of my Debate meetings... grrrr...) Um, um, it's a Koushiro fic- sorta mixed up, I suppose. Depressed one. It's only part one, but hopefully I'll get some reviews and make another one!! YAY!!!!!! IZZY ROCKS!!!! WHOOO_HOOOO!! PRAY TO THE HOLDER OF KNOWLEDGE!!! ::bows repeatedly to her Izzy pic::
Also- I think there's another author named Kay who writes Digimon fics. I'm not her- I don't use the "~" things in my name. Wow! Someone actually has the same name as me?!?! Gah! I thought I was alone!!!! ^_^ Um... anyway... enjoy!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My name is Koushiro.
And yes, that is affirmative; I have a razor blade against my skin. It's dead white against the metal, looking dead. And if it's already dead, it cannot hurt it when I do this, can it? My wrists are already dead. What a laugh. Suddenly I want to cry.
It is foolish, what I am attempting to do. I really should have no reason. Except maybe things had all gone wrong. Everything was mixed up, confusing. I hated that. I always have loved to have the answers, have everything complex but able to figure out, not something like this where there's no real way to get an answer. There was no answer this time.
I stared at blade, my heart pounding in my chest. I wasn't sure anymore if I could do this. I wanted the pain, the ending to come, but something kept holding me back.
I just wanted it to end.
The ironic problem is- I do not even know where it began. I don't even know when things started to be wrong. Perhaps it was when we first came home from the Digiworld, parting from our best friends, and from a world I had grown quite accustomed to. Perhaps it started when we recieved so much attention, even though there was the fact that we neither wanted it nor needed it. Perhaps it started later than that, after life was back to normal, when we slowly drifted apart. One day, a group of children struggling to save the world, the next, distant kids who sometimes acknowledged each other in the hallways or waved every now and then on the street.
Tai quickly got his life back to normal, playing soccer becoming his largest hobby. I watched him play sometimes, when I wasn't busy or when I felt the sudden urge to see our leader again. He was pretty good, from what I could tell, and from what I heard from the crowd each time he made a goal. Sora was on the team as well, but while Taichi almost never talked to me, she would sometimes call just to check up on how I was doing.
I never saw Joe, not for months, anyway. We'd went together for pizza once, to catch up, but after that we hadn't spoken. I heard he was studying to become a scientist from Mimi, on one of the only rare times she ever spoke to me. Sometimes she would smile at me when she caught my eye, but we had so many different classes that I barely even saw her. As for Takeru and Hikari, I saw them sometimes, but not that much, only at the soccer games Tai played in. Once we sat together and talked for a while. Sometimes I saw Matt in the halls, sometimes alone, sometimes with friends of his I didn't know. He never noticed me, just walked past with his usual aloof look, that screamed cool and rebel.
So I am not sure exactly when the phenomonon occurred- whether it was when we stopped talking, or even stopped looking at each other. Some of us stuck together. Some of us pulled apart.
For an adequate example: me.
I did not mean for it to happen, although I knew the odds were great that we'd somehow lose touch. But somehow, over time, it did and I could not stop it. I spent more time on my computer, so I supposed I was partly to blame. The rest found other friends and activities. Thier lives gained back, completely normal. All devoid of me.
Somehow, this bothered me greatly, even though I attempted to tell myself over and over that it might be better this way. I may love to work out puzzles on my computer, but the more time I spent alone the more I missed them. It wasn't only them either, it was Tentomon. Sometimes I would be typing on my laptop, then turn to ask him something, and he wasn't there. It hurt- it hurt much more than I could have thought. At least with Tentomon I knew he would have stayed with me through anything. That was what a best friend like him was for.
Now, I would never see him again.
Perhaps it started when that realization sunk in.
Or perhaps it started when I started taking higher school courses, for advanced students. With all the older children. I loved the work, the challenges, but the horrible names and bullying I endured weren't as fun. I've been called a computer geek before, it's nothing new, and I kept telling myself it didn't matter if I ignored it. But sometimes, sometimes you just can't win those battles. And the words hurt you more than you ever thought. Maybe it was because I thought in a way my studying so much was helping me stray from the rest of my friends, that the names really hit home. The fact that I was being slammed into lockers and beat up after school every day didn't help either.
Sometimes I think that it wasn't even then that I started to fall into depression. In fact, I'm sure it wasn't then. I was still hanging on, even though I was coming home alone every day covered in cuts and sore spots that would turn black and blue the next morning. Once again, I only buried myself farther inside my computer, into my own world where puzzles had answers, and no one worried about being alone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Flashback...
"Izzy, honey, dinner's ready!" Mom called, a hint of worry in her voice for the small boy sitting inside the room of the door she was knocking on. She'd forgotten how long it had been since her son came out of there more than twice a day. Sometimes he'd even skip lunch to work on his computer.
There was a moment of dazed silence from beyond the door, and the sound of clicking keys paused for a moment. She could hear soft footsteps from inside. The door opened, and she found herself looking down in concern at an intelligent face with wide dark eyes and a shock or red hair.
"Sorry, I was just finishing a new program," Koushiro said quietly. Mrs. Izumi nodded, and tried to stop her eyes from traveling straight to the large, discolored bruise over Izzy's left cheek. He'd come home with it tonight, another problem for him she wished she could take away.
"Maybe you shouldn't spend so much time on the computer, Izzy," she said, taking in his pale complextion and tired smile. "It's so nice outside, why don't you go have some fun with some of your friends?"
Izzy hid a wince. "That'd be nice..." he said vaguelly. "What's for dinner?"
His mother looked at him sadly, and told him, all the while hoping that something would happen to make that tired look in his eyes go away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My mom... She'll miss me. She and Dad probably won't know what to think, and would even feel guilty. I don't want them to but there's nothing else to do. No practical action would save them the pain, because what I was doing wasn't practical. Wasn't right.
Of course, I knew that. Did you think this was the only time I've tried doing this? Scars lightly traced over my arms, nearer and nearer together. Ugly crosses and slashes, most of them healed, but some of them still tender. I had been doing this for a long time, anxious, almost desperate to feel the pain. It was like some of it would go away every time I cut myself. It was addicting, but I had never been able to kill myself.
And I was still doing it. Still holding that cold razor to my wrist, aching, crying. Tears slipping down my face as I sobbed helplessly. Trembling, I tried to make myself use the blade on myself, but my hand refused to move. Memories were still tumbling through my mind.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Flashback:
The sky was overcast in gray and black hues as the clouds rumbled omniously in the distance that Saturday. The ground was soaking wet, the weather slightly cold from the small drizzle falling down from the bleak sky. The sidewalk was covered with scattered puddles, reflecting the sky above it.
The red-headed teenager stared down at one of the puddles, his reflection staring back at him with sharp eyes. Dark eyes.
When had he gotten so thin?
"Hey, Izzy! Izzy, is that you?" a voice called. A familiar voice.
Izzy turned in surprise, and looked up to see a teenage boy with blue hair and glasses running toward him. "Joe?"
"Hi," Joe said, stopping and catching his breath. "It's been a while."
Koushiro nodded, looking faintly pleased. "Yeah, it has. How have you been?"
"Not bad. I'm taking these new courses- turns out maybe I don't want to be a doctor after all..." Joe trailed off. "How have you been? The others and I haven't seen much of you."
Koushiro winced. iNo... you haven't... what happened? What changed?/i Outloud, he said, "I've been busy with some things... mostly school, doing projects... I miss you guys." Immeadiatly, he stopped talking, realizing the last words that slipped out of his mouth. Joe was watching him, something like sympathy in his eyes.
"We-we miss you, too..."
Koushiro opened his mouth to say something, and shut it. Staring downwards, he lookd at his reflection again.
So pale. So thin. Had he grown taller? It seemed like he could almost look Joe in the eyes, now.
The awkward silence dragged on between them, and finally Joe spoke uncertainly. "Um... well... it was nice seeing you, Izzy."
Koushiro nodded, blinking back a sudden burning in his eyes. iDon't cry, not here, not in front of Joe.../i
"Um. I'd better go. Bye Izzy," Joe mumbled.
"Huh? Oh, yeah, bye Joe. Uh... thanks... thanks..."
The blue haired teenager watched with sad eyes at his friend before turning and walking away. Koushiro watched, arms limp at his sides, until the figure went around the corner, before turning and walking away in the opposite direction, his steps landing in the puddle of water, scattering his reflection across the sidewalk. A broken image.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yes. I pushed them away. It hurts to admit it. But I was the one to blame, wasn't I?
I keep crying. I wished the tears would stop.
I wish they would dry.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
End of Part One. :) :) :)
Oohhhhhh- was it to bad?!? Should I continue?! I'm not sure- this is my first post, so I'm hoping I'll get some encouragement... ::sweatdrops:: Or at least a "nice job". I could settle for that. Heck, I"ll settle for "It sucks, but at least you can spell "Izzy" right, so that's okay." or "at least you capitilized well". Damn, I'll settle for "YOU SHOULD BE THROWN IN AS BRICK PILE FOR WRITING THIS PIECE OF JUNK!!!".... ^_^;;; Um. I'd rather you didn't say that, but alas, we don't always get our wishes... heh heh... :) :) :) Thanks for reading!!!!
By Kay (AKA Sp00kyfile)
Disclaimer: I don't own the Digimon. ::pauses evily:: Yet.
Author's Note: Okay, this is my first Digimon fic I've posted. ::gulps:: Be kind. Be gentle. I'm trying best I can!!! I haven't even seen all the episodes yet... (due to the evil time schedule of my Debate meetings... grrrr...) Um, um, it's a Koushiro fic- sorta mixed up, I suppose. Depressed one. It's only part one, but hopefully I'll get some reviews and make another one!! YAY!!!!!! IZZY ROCKS!!!! WHOOO_HOOOO!! PRAY TO THE HOLDER OF KNOWLEDGE!!! ::bows repeatedly to her Izzy pic::
Also- I think there's another author named Kay who writes Digimon fics. I'm not her- I don't use the "~" things in my name. Wow! Someone actually has the same name as me?!?! Gah! I thought I was alone!!!! ^_^ Um... anyway... enjoy!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My name is Koushiro.
And yes, that is affirmative; I have a razor blade against my skin. It's dead white against the metal, looking dead. And if it's already dead, it cannot hurt it when I do this, can it? My wrists are already dead. What a laugh. Suddenly I want to cry.
It is foolish, what I am attempting to do. I really should have no reason. Except maybe things had all gone wrong. Everything was mixed up, confusing. I hated that. I always have loved to have the answers, have everything complex but able to figure out, not something like this where there's no real way to get an answer. There was no answer this time.
I stared at blade, my heart pounding in my chest. I wasn't sure anymore if I could do this. I wanted the pain, the ending to come, but something kept holding me back.
I just wanted it to end.
The ironic problem is- I do not even know where it began. I don't even know when things started to be wrong. Perhaps it was when we first came home from the Digiworld, parting from our best friends, and from a world I had grown quite accustomed to. Perhaps it started when we recieved so much attention, even though there was the fact that we neither wanted it nor needed it. Perhaps it started later than that, after life was back to normal, when we slowly drifted apart. One day, a group of children struggling to save the world, the next, distant kids who sometimes acknowledged each other in the hallways or waved every now and then on the street.
Tai quickly got his life back to normal, playing soccer becoming his largest hobby. I watched him play sometimes, when I wasn't busy or when I felt the sudden urge to see our leader again. He was pretty good, from what I could tell, and from what I heard from the crowd each time he made a goal. Sora was on the team as well, but while Taichi almost never talked to me, she would sometimes call just to check up on how I was doing.
I never saw Joe, not for months, anyway. We'd went together for pizza once, to catch up, but after that we hadn't spoken. I heard he was studying to become a scientist from Mimi, on one of the only rare times she ever spoke to me. Sometimes she would smile at me when she caught my eye, but we had so many different classes that I barely even saw her. As for Takeru and Hikari, I saw them sometimes, but not that much, only at the soccer games Tai played in. Once we sat together and talked for a while. Sometimes I saw Matt in the halls, sometimes alone, sometimes with friends of his I didn't know. He never noticed me, just walked past with his usual aloof look, that screamed cool and rebel.
So I am not sure exactly when the phenomonon occurred- whether it was when we stopped talking, or even stopped looking at each other. Some of us stuck together. Some of us pulled apart.
For an adequate example: me.
I did not mean for it to happen, although I knew the odds were great that we'd somehow lose touch. But somehow, over time, it did and I could not stop it. I spent more time on my computer, so I supposed I was partly to blame. The rest found other friends and activities. Thier lives gained back, completely normal. All devoid of me.
Somehow, this bothered me greatly, even though I attempted to tell myself over and over that it might be better this way. I may love to work out puzzles on my computer, but the more time I spent alone the more I missed them. It wasn't only them either, it was Tentomon. Sometimes I would be typing on my laptop, then turn to ask him something, and he wasn't there. It hurt- it hurt much more than I could have thought. At least with Tentomon I knew he would have stayed with me through anything. That was what a best friend like him was for.
Now, I would never see him again.
Perhaps it started when that realization sunk in.
Or perhaps it started when I started taking higher school courses, for advanced students. With all the older children. I loved the work, the challenges, but the horrible names and bullying I endured weren't as fun. I've been called a computer geek before, it's nothing new, and I kept telling myself it didn't matter if I ignored it. But sometimes, sometimes you just can't win those battles. And the words hurt you more than you ever thought. Maybe it was because I thought in a way my studying so much was helping me stray from the rest of my friends, that the names really hit home. The fact that I was being slammed into lockers and beat up after school every day didn't help either.
Sometimes I think that it wasn't even then that I started to fall into depression. In fact, I'm sure it wasn't then. I was still hanging on, even though I was coming home alone every day covered in cuts and sore spots that would turn black and blue the next morning. Once again, I only buried myself farther inside my computer, into my own world where puzzles had answers, and no one worried about being alone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Flashback...
"Izzy, honey, dinner's ready!" Mom called, a hint of worry in her voice for the small boy sitting inside the room of the door she was knocking on. She'd forgotten how long it had been since her son came out of there more than twice a day. Sometimes he'd even skip lunch to work on his computer.
There was a moment of dazed silence from beyond the door, and the sound of clicking keys paused for a moment. She could hear soft footsteps from inside. The door opened, and she found herself looking down in concern at an intelligent face with wide dark eyes and a shock or red hair.
"Sorry, I was just finishing a new program," Koushiro said quietly. Mrs. Izumi nodded, and tried to stop her eyes from traveling straight to the large, discolored bruise over Izzy's left cheek. He'd come home with it tonight, another problem for him she wished she could take away.
"Maybe you shouldn't spend so much time on the computer, Izzy," she said, taking in his pale complextion and tired smile. "It's so nice outside, why don't you go have some fun with some of your friends?"
Izzy hid a wince. "That'd be nice..." he said vaguelly. "What's for dinner?"
His mother looked at him sadly, and told him, all the while hoping that something would happen to make that tired look in his eyes go away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My mom... She'll miss me. She and Dad probably won't know what to think, and would even feel guilty. I don't want them to but there's nothing else to do. No practical action would save them the pain, because what I was doing wasn't practical. Wasn't right.
Of course, I knew that. Did you think this was the only time I've tried doing this? Scars lightly traced over my arms, nearer and nearer together. Ugly crosses and slashes, most of them healed, but some of them still tender. I had been doing this for a long time, anxious, almost desperate to feel the pain. It was like some of it would go away every time I cut myself. It was addicting, but I had never been able to kill myself.
And I was still doing it. Still holding that cold razor to my wrist, aching, crying. Tears slipping down my face as I sobbed helplessly. Trembling, I tried to make myself use the blade on myself, but my hand refused to move. Memories were still tumbling through my mind.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Flashback:
The sky was overcast in gray and black hues as the clouds rumbled omniously in the distance that Saturday. The ground was soaking wet, the weather slightly cold from the small drizzle falling down from the bleak sky. The sidewalk was covered with scattered puddles, reflecting the sky above it.
The red-headed teenager stared down at one of the puddles, his reflection staring back at him with sharp eyes. Dark eyes.
When had he gotten so thin?
"Hey, Izzy! Izzy, is that you?" a voice called. A familiar voice.
Izzy turned in surprise, and looked up to see a teenage boy with blue hair and glasses running toward him. "Joe?"
"Hi," Joe said, stopping and catching his breath. "It's been a while."
Koushiro nodded, looking faintly pleased. "Yeah, it has. How have you been?"
"Not bad. I'm taking these new courses- turns out maybe I don't want to be a doctor after all..." Joe trailed off. "How have you been? The others and I haven't seen much of you."
Koushiro winced. iNo... you haven't... what happened? What changed?/i Outloud, he said, "I've been busy with some things... mostly school, doing projects... I miss you guys." Immeadiatly, he stopped talking, realizing the last words that slipped out of his mouth. Joe was watching him, something like sympathy in his eyes.
"We-we miss you, too..."
Koushiro opened his mouth to say something, and shut it. Staring downwards, he lookd at his reflection again.
So pale. So thin. Had he grown taller? It seemed like he could almost look Joe in the eyes, now.
The awkward silence dragged on between them, and finally Joe spoke uncertainly. "Um... well... it was nice seeing you, Izzy."
Koushiro nodded, blinking back a sudden burning in his eyes. iDon't cry, not here, not in front of Joe.../i
"Um. I'd better go. Bye Izzy," Joe mumbled.
"Huh? Oh, yeah, bye Joe. Uh... thanks... thanks..."
The blue haired teenager watched with sad eyes at his friend before turning and walking away. Koushiro watched, arms limp at his sides, until the figure went around the corner, before turning and walking away in the opposite direction, his steps landing in the puddle of water, scattering his reflection across the sidewalk. A broken image.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yes. I pushed them away. It hurts to admit it. But I was the one to blame, wasn't I?
I keep crying. I wished the tears would stop.
I wish they would dry.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
End of Part One. :) :) :)
Oohhhhhh- was it to bad?!? Should I continue?! I'm not sure- this is my first post, so I'm hoping I'll get some encouragement... ::sweatdrops:: Or at least a "nice job". I could settle for that. Heck, I"ll settle for "It sucks, but at least you can spell "Izzy" right, so that's okay." or "at least you capitilized well". Damn, I'll settle for "YOU SHOULD BE THROWN IN AS BRICK PILE FOR WRITING THIS PIECE OF JUNK!!!".... ^_^;;; Um. I'd rather you didn't say that, but alas, we don't always get our wishes... heh heh... :) :) :) Thanks for reading!!!!