Cover picture by: lone-wolf-boudin: Hawkgirl-Lightning Mace

Disillusioned

Lieutenant Shayera Hol grunted and gritted her teeth as her ship cascaded down on the blue and green planet below her. She had just escaped from warp space as she finished off the Gordanian scout that had attempted to breach Thanagar's defense line. Shayera had managed to tail them even in warp space after Paran Dul and her Captain/ex-fiancé Hro Talak had given up on the chase. Shayera was determined to end the scum and she did, all at the fatal cost of her ship. Shayera though wasn't afraid. She didn't care. At least not anymore. Shayera felt the ship rattle as she entered the planet's atmosphere and felt her whole body relax as she embraced the coming death. Shayera, long ago, might have fought harder. She might have cared too but after that one night, she couldn't bear to even try anymore.

Two Years Ago

Shayera Hol was only patrolling for the night. She promised that it was going to be the last patrol before her

time off. She was supposed to show up for her brother's birth celebration. She was only supposed to patrol for one hour. One fatal hour that could have been different in her mind if she had been there.

As Shayera flew through the wreckage of her home, she was devastated to find the bodies of her family under the rubble. She never spotted the Gordanian spy ship that flew through the line of defense. She was supposed to have seen it… but she didn't. Shayera was crying on her knees as her team tried to get her to leave her home, her family. Shayera fought against them, but they managed to sedate her and hospitalize her. She remained in the mental health clinic for three months until they had cleared her ready for action.

Shayera was never the same again. She was cold and distant from her team. Her relationship with Hro Talak had deteriorated and he instead decided to pair up with Paran Dul. Shayera didn't care. All she cared about was defeating the Gordanians. She rose through the ranks from a Private to a Lieutenant easily. Shayera though was unmerciful and unrelenting in battle. She frightened the new recruits and the veterans often remarked that she has finally lost her mind. Shayera didn't care.

Shayera's entire mindset on her personal vendetta to defeat the Gordanians changed when she had been ordered to destroy a refugee ship. The ship was filled with Gordanian allies that were vital to their success in the war. Shayera didn't think. She didn't care, after all… or at least until she saw the wreckage after her shot. Shayera was horrified as she saw the bodies. Children. There were children on board. Shayera kept her reaction silent though, deciding that she would rather suffer in silence than give anyone a reason to commit her back into the asylum. They wouldn't understand anyways. Shayera reported to Captain Talak of the success of the mission and retreated to her rooms. She spent many nights forgoing sleep and instead buried herself in work.

Shayera had tried to move on but with memories of her family, the innocent children onboard, and the war altogether… Shayera was tired. She was tired of fighting and following orders. She wanted everything to finally stop and have some rest. She never had it though. She was doomed to forever be on the loop of war. She had tried to look on brighter things but they never worked. For that, she stopped caring what she did anymore.

A year had passed since her family's death and Shayera was known as the Silent Hawk. She performed her duties without question and always performed them with Excellency. She was never vocal however, preferring to regard her peers and superiors with silence. They chalked it up to a mental break inside her and never once questioned her, as they had given up on her. Shayera had known that eventually they would get tired of her and would try to assign missions that never regarded action in an effort to try and get her to break free from whatever mental issue she had, but Shayera had developed hacking skills unlike others and had always managed to assign herself the more risky missions. When they had discovered what she had done, they tried to court martial her but family friends had always defended her and covered for her. Shayera had never thanked them but she always performed good deeds in the shadows for them. As a soldier she was never allowed to go AWOL, but as a dutiful soldier she was capable of feigning missions in order to mask her disappearances.

Another year would pass before she finally had it. She no longer cared and no longer wished to participate in war. But to do so would mean that her family's death would have been for naught. Her father: one of the leading Generals in the Thanagarian Empire, her mother: A famous pilot and her little brother: who aspired to become like his father. Her parents' contributions to the war and her little brother's dreams would go away in the dust. She didn't want them to be another statistic. She needed to avenge them. Shayera would often cry herself to sleep at night, knowing that she had no escape from the war and no escape from her nightmares.

Shayera kept chasing the Gordanian Scout when the message to fall back was given. She ignored it and continued pushing forward. She hear Hro try to order her to turn around, but she shut off the communication and continued the chase. Shayera kept seeing that night flash through her head and the bodies of her family engraved in her mind. She wants this scout dead in repayment for the one that had gotten away. Shayera knows that it is fatal to fire laser blasts in warp drive but as per her new nature, she didn't care. She wanted this Gordanian dead and dead he will be in... three... two... NOW! The Gordanian's ship was blown to pieces as the debris damaged Shayera's ship. The steering mechanism began to malfunction and Shayera just sat in her chair as the ship entered the planet that had appeared once she had exited warp space.

Shayera braced herself when her ship entered the planet's atmosphere and almost passed out from the intensity of the entrance as her ship crashed into the waters. As her ship slowly sank, she watched as the blue waters of this planet quickly reached her windshield and she was submerged in the waters. Shayera didn't panic. She had been in worst situations. The only question really is does she want to save herself of not? Shayera watched as the ship continued to sink in the waters. She sat back in her seat and just waited. She didn't have long to wait though as ten minutes passed and her ship hit the floor. She just stared at the darkness that surrounded her ship and turned on the lights. She promptly shut them off though when strange creatures with began to swim towards the light. She watched in wonderment as they swam across her windshield. They were colorful and had webbing. They were strange but beautiful and Shayera was almost relaxed. She looked at the time and saw that the clock was broken. Sometime during the warp space chase, all the ship's instruments were damaged. She checked the damages and saw that the radar and sensors were also out of commission. Shayera wondered what survived in her ship and walked towards her cabin. She was pleased to see that the military-issued Absorbascon was still intact. She had her private journal logs in it and information she had gathered all across the galaxy during her missions. She wondered though what kind of information the Absorbascon might give her about this planet, if this planet even had technology or computers. The wire-framed helmet was still in its box and Shayera's personal items were still in the knapsack: a picture of herself and her family, her medal of honor, and her trans-dimensional molecule disruptor ring was still in the bag. The ring allowed for Shayera to blend in or give herself a different identity whenever she puts it on. Her wings actually disappear and allow her to call herself a Raan or a Tamaranian during her spy missions. Shayera was quite relieved that it wasn't damaged as this piece of equipment was very rare and very expensive. Looking at the Absorbascon, Shayera decided to see if this planet was even populated. She needed to know more about this place that she was stranded on. Placing the helmet on, Shayera was amazed at the information that was being given to her that she needed to sit down in case she might faint at the amount of information that was being downloaded into her head. Most planets are united and have one culture, one form of government, and one form of economy. This planet has so many cultures, traditions, races, religions, and governments that Shayera was overwhelmed.

Earth. A planet isolated from other life forms in its sector. It was filled with a primitive species called Humans. So far their achievements in science and space travel were still elementary at best. Perhaps she was being a little too generous though. So far they have only managed to reach their sister planet, Mars from a space mission over ten years ago. Shayera was certain though that these humans will be capable of achieving miracles with just the right push. She began her research of the humans using their World Wide Web. The information she learned was enlightening. She was positive that she can blend in. If not and all else fails, she could portray herself as an angel. Shayera snorted and thought, Yeah. An angel. Something holy and pure when you've basically unleashed Onimar's hell to your enemies. Stop being stupid, and think.

Shayera removed the Absorbascon and moved towards her bed. She was tired. As she thought about the war and her people, Shayera only knew one thing that wasn't apathy: she felt relieved. If she was lucky, the army will mark her as 'Killed in Action'. Her ship's instruments were damaged and her superiors won't risk any manpower to try and locate her. She had ignored her Superior Officer, an action that equals a court martial or imprisonment, and she basically attempted suicide chasing after the Gordanian. To the Thanagarian Empire, she might as well be dead. Something akin to hope rose within Shayera. Perhaps this was her chance. She can finally have a new life that wasn't dictated by war or killing. She can forget that she was ever Lieutenant Shayera Hol. Shayera heard the ship groan a little from the water pressure but she wasn't worried. If she died, then she died. Shayera yawned and removed her mask and armor, deciding to deal with whatever troubles she might face in the morning.

Shayera groaned and sat up, stretching her sore wings and muscles. She was finally feeling the impact of the crash and she felt like she couldn't move. Shayera cracked her neck and walked towards the deck, deciding to try and get out of the water. First though, she needed to know where she was. Shayera placed the Absorbascon back on her head and after using the humans' satellites, she was able to pinpoint her location about several hundred miles out from the New York City Harbor. Shayera decided that the distance it will take for her to fly from her location to the harbor will be hours until it gets dark. Shayera checked the atmosphere of this planet and deemed that she will be able to breathe at least and not suffocate. Deciding that it wouldn't hurt her to travel out, she placed the Absorbascon in the knapsack along with her other treasured items and clipped her mace to her side. The last relic really that she had of her family. Shayera placed her mask on and was grateful that her mask contained lenses. At least she'll be able to see under the water. Shayera opened the airlock hatch and walked over to the control panel. She flipped a panel on the ship and pressed down on the self-destruct button. She quickly ran into the airlock and shut the door. Opening the other door on the other side, she took a deep breath as she was engulfed by water.

Shayera used all her training to force herself against the rushing water and quickly swim. The water pressure was almost unbearable but Shayera was able to withstand it, thanks to her armor. As Shayera swam up, she used her wings as propulsion to push herself forward. The ship exploded underneath her, the shock waves actually propelling Shayera upward and closer to the surface. As she breached the surface, Shayera gasped as she took in her first breath of this planet's oxygen. The sun of this planet was shining brightly that Shayera had to flip the sun sensor on her helmet. The lens of her helmet went from white to black and Shayera no longer had to squint to see properly. She flew up high above the waters, using the breeze to quickly dry her wet wings. It was difficult to fly but she managed it and began her flight west towards New York.

Shayera wondered what kind of life she might be able to lead on this planet. She already exploded her own ship so there was no going back on her decision on staying on this planet. Shayera flew high above the clouds and relished the heat of the sun on her wings. She had been in so many space missions for the Thanagarian Empire, she had almost forgotten what natural warmth felt like. Shayera closed her eyes and allowed herself to forget that she was even a soldier for a moment and pretend that she never once fought in a war. It felt nice to just drift in the wind. Shayera was very much deep in her own pretense that she forgot to check her Absorbascon and see if she was headed in the right direction.

As the hours flew by, Shayera always made sure to hide in the clouds so nobody could see her. These humans might not be so receptive of an outsider like her wanting to blend in. Shayera was sure that they will never notice if she can properly create an identity for herself. With the disrupter ring, she will be able to blend in very well in this world. As the day turned into night and Shayera switched her lens from daytime to nighttime, she was frustrated when she realized that she has yet to reach land. Stopping in her flight and hovering in the air, Shayera took out the Absorbascon from her knapsack and put it on in order to figure out her location. Using the satellites, Shayera was able to locate herself. She flew farther south than she had intended to, missing New York entirely and instead almost passing by a city called Midway City. Shayera flew towards the right direction this time and headed towards Midway, deciding that she needed to rest for the night and she can figure out a way to build her new life in the morning.

Shayera was flying in darkness for an hour until she spotted light in the distance loom up in front of her. She was able to make out a port of some sort in the waters and flew high in order to not get caught by the lights. The city was huge and it had wondrous skyscrapers that almost reached the skies. Shayera was amazed. She needed to investigate more into human culture instead of their history. Shayera spotted a large building at the center of the city. It had large statue creatures with grotesque appearances decorating around the building as though they were guarding it. They had wings as well and Shayera wondered if the people of this Earth might see her as good or bad if she ever revealed herself to them. She glided down and sat down next to one of the statues. She had the Absorbascon still on her head and she decided to do a very extensive information download. She looked around and found a door on the side and walked towards it. She gripped the handle and forced the door open with a shove, not caring that she had broken the lock. She walked inside to see that she was in a storage facility apartment. Shayera quietly scanned the whole area in order to determine if she was alone in the room. When she was positive that she is indeed alone, she investigated the crates. Some of them were labeled to be shipped to cities called Coast City, Gotham, Metropolis, National City, and more. Shayera opened one of the crates to find strange looking apparel inside it but they were stacked up in a pile and Shayera climbed inside it to hide herself. She might have managed to sneak in successfully, but if she was going to attempt to download the amount of information she needed to blend in well with the humans, she had to hide. Settling herself down and burrowing herself under the strange apparels, Shayera began the process of downloading every single information of the Earth that was available to her: from learning new languages to knowing the proper etiquettes of fine dining. As Shayera went into a deep sleep as the information was being downloaded, Shayera didn't hear the industrial elevator doors open and voices speak.

"We need the shipment for Gotham sent immediately. The Joker has blown up half of Arkham and they need the new strait jackets immediately." said one of the workers.

"Christ," said the other worker, "When will it take these heroes to finally get rid of scum like him?"

"Don't know," said the first worker as he began to drive the forklift, "hopefully someone will take initiative."

The workers loaded the crate labeled for Gotham onto the forklift and drove back to the elevators where they went downstairs to the garage. They loaded up the crate onto the transport truck and went back to work. As the truck left Lexcorp Industries, it entered into the highway unaware of the extra cargo it was carrying.

When Shayera woke up the next day, it was to the sound alarms and an explosion. She sat up in fear. Her adrenaline began to pulse all around her body. She was attempting to sit up when she remembered where she was. She was in a crate and wherever she was, Shayera knew that she was no longer in the same building she was in before. Shayera sat up and looked around. The strange apparel she had taken for mattresses were strait jackets, meant for psychotic people. The irony was not lost on Shayera as she recalled her time in the mental health clinic. Shayera cautiously stood up and lifted the lid of the box. She was in another storage facility. Shayera wondered what was going on and approached the door of the room. Gripping her mace and flaring her wings a little in case she needed to take off for anything, Shayera opened the door to find herself outside and humans running in all direction, attempting to run away from an army of white and red blobs. Shayera quickly hid up on the roof of the building and watched as one poor unfortunate human was caught and one of the blobs placed a hand on his head before taking his form. Shayera was horrified as the alien then blasted the human out of existence.

Knowing that she lacked any power to fight them, Shayera flew high above the clouds and used her Absorbascon to pinpoint her location. Gotham City. So that's where she was. Shayera again used the Absorbascon to find a direction to the closest area where it wasn't populated. The Midway City National Park was only about an hour flight away from whI'mere she was.

Shayera flew out in order to gather her wits. All the screaming, the explosions, the death… it was starting to get to Shayera. She flew high above the skies and began her flight towards the park. She had to cover her ears to ignore the explosions and the screaming. Shayera looked down below to see humans scattering and trying to get away. She had to help them but at the same time, she wasn't even sure if she can even fight against these creatures. As she flew high above the clouds, she needed a plan and fast. As Shayera was flying away, the laser blasts from one of the advancing aliens fired directly at her, having spotted her shadow in the moonlight. Shayera's war instincts kicked in and she forgot all about her PTSD. She charged her mace and dive bombed onto the creature, electricity surrounding her and giving her enough power to burst through the creature's armor. A flash flew across Shayera's eyes and she was back on Iure Dres, the moon that orbited the Gordanian outpost in Sector 13. Blue electricity danced before Shayera's eyes as she remained immune to the deadly electric current and flashes of explosions from the warfront, the wounded crying out to be killed, and children screaming echoed around Shayera as she burst through the other side of the creature. Shayera balked in midflight and flew back up into the sky.

The screams continued and they began to blur with the screams of the humans. Shayera had no idea what to do and settled on top of a building, kneeling down in order to help clear her head. Shayera tried to get up but whimpered more memories blinded her. The bodies of the refugee children, her family's dead bodies, and the many lives she had taken wer flashing across her mind. Shayera tried to stop it but it couldn't be stopped. She gave a cry of agony and fell to the floor. Shayera whimpered and entered into a fetal position. She needed help. She'll admit it now. She needs help now. She needs it now more than ever. She was foolish to think that she was alright. Where to get it though?

Shayera looked over the edge of the roof and saw the building of Arkham Asylum in the distance. Taking her distortion ring out of her pocket, Shayera saw a chance to heal and made herself promise that she will be better before she ever tried to help an innocent soul again. Shayera flew up into the sky and used the Absorbascon to find the central government building of Gotham City. She was led to City Hall and Shayera took advantage of the vacant building in order to proceed with her actions. Shayera looked around and made her way to the Archives. Shayera made sure she was alone and proceeded to enter into the computers, easily hacking her way into the records and started creating her new appearance.

Her new name? Shayera thought it over and used the Absorbascon to pull up Earth names. The only name that came close to her name was Shiera. Shiera is her first name. Now for the last name. What could be a good substitute for Hol? More search was done and Hall seemed like the perfect fit. Shiera Hall. Shayera didn't want to be too far away from her own identity so she searched more and decided that on her birth certificate, she was born to Eric Hall (Eldric Hol) and Mariam Hall (My'rha Hol). She had a little brother, Theodore Hall (The'ore Hol). She had a family but during her time of service in the United States Army, her family was killed in a gang war. Shiera Hall was born in Gotham Memorial Hospital. Shiera Hall used to have a degree in Archeology. Shiera Hall used to be engaged. Shiera Hall was broken. Shayera closed her eyes and kept the tears at bay. She needed to have some strength for this or else she'll never heal. Shayera printed out her documents of her new identity from her birth certificate, social security, bank records, and even education records.

Knowing that she needed a safe place to store the Absorbascon, her armor, her mask, and her mace, Shayera flew out to the Gotham Swamps and began her search. It took a while but she found a suitable cave that hasn't been used by anyone or anything and she could easily conceal the entrance. Shayera made a makeshift tomb and placed her belongings in it. She looked at her things one last time, a feeling of grim and sadness overwhelming her, and whispered, "Good Bye Shayera."

Flying back to Gotham, Shayera placed her distortion ring on and felt her wings disappear. It took a while to get used to not having wings, after all she just lost about twenty pounds. After getting herself situated, she found a place to hide and waited for the chaos to end.

She didn't have long to wait as she watched super powered humans defeat the invaders. Shayera was grateful that she didn't have to do anything and quickly made her way to Arkham. She watched as orderlies and doctors cleaned up the mess, as Arkham wasn't hit as bad as the city, but there were now some escaped inmates based on what she heard. Shayera entered the building and approached the front desk.

"How may I help you?" asked the elderly woman.
"I need help." said Shayera honestly.

"Oh?" asked the elderly woman, shocked that someone was actually willingly checking herself in at Arkham, "What kind of help do you need?"

"I… I fought in wars. I killed people… children… I didn't care before. I need help." said Shayera, her voice cracking.

"Oh, you poor thing." said the woman, "How about you hand me your papers and we can get you set up with some of the Doctors? We have only the best in the nation."

Shayera handed the woman her papers and she was led inside. She looked to see that all the prisoners had a form of transparent, padded cells. Some were empty but others had people in it. A man in a rocking chair was whispering out random things such as, "spiders: arachnophobia. Marriage: Commitment-phobia" while in another cell another man was having a tea party. Shayera wondered what she got herself into but paid no mind to it. She needs help and Arkham is best not only in the nation but the world as well. She will heal and she will fight for another day. Shayera was given a change of clothes and she was directed into a restroom where she removed her tracksuit and put on the orange clothing. Shayera next followed the woman where they filed paperwork and Shayera began to explain her problems.

"My family died while I was away. I… I should have been there. I could have done something. I stopped caring and… there was a threat and I was ordered to shoot on sight. I killed children because I didn't care at the time. I killed many people because I didn't care and I don't want to be that person anymore." confessed Shayera.
"And you won't have to be," assured the elderly woman, "I'll set you up with Dr. Coleman first thing on Monday as soon as this whole alien mess is cleaned up. I'm afraid to say though, you might end up sharing a room with one the Rogues or sharing a room next to them. We are running out of space, I'm afraid."

"Rogues?" asked Shayera.

"Oh, you've been away for so long. We have this vigilante here in Gotham named Batman who has a string of enemies that are positively insane. Our doctors do our best to cure them but they absolutely refuse treatment. You can only help a person for so long anyways, they have to be willing to meet halfway. Anyways, some of the rogues can be gruesome like the Scarecrow but others are almost harmless such as Harley Quinn." explained the woman.

"I've handled worse." said Shayera.

"I'm sure you have dear," said the woman, "let's get you a room."

Shayera followed the woman and ended up in a room next to an empty one and one currently inhabited by a human with half his face disfigured. Shayera wondered about him but decided that as long as she was here, she'll have time to learn about her fellow psychotics.

Stressful times call for some stress writing. So this story was inspired by my stress and anxiety. Tell me if you guys like or not. Thanks for reading :)