Juan The Avenger
Written by the genius authors Shadow and Goomba
For Juan, life was easy. Until a bad, serious problem came on the day of 5 of March. He always has much feelings of a slight case of pure happiness. Until that seemingly normal, bland, yet happy day of the 5th of the month we have called since we learned it in preschool, the 3rd month of what we call a year or 365 days or 52 weeks, the month known formally and informally as March.
Juan was eating a bagel he toasted with his great, new, shiny toaster, that he had received as a gift from the daughter of his mother's sister on the 25 of December or as we all love to call (besides those damn terrorists) Christmas. It was a nice toaster, toasted his food products that mostly consisted of carbohydrates somewhat to perfection, well at least it did an adequate job. But, then again, it sometimes burns his toast and bagels, or his sweet rounded bagels are not toasted enough, so on second thought he didn't like his toaster much at all. But he loved his crispy bagels, oh that carby goodness that he craved so very dearly; this one, in particular, was coated in the product of a cow we all call the delicious and pure cheese churned to perfection and aged for long, with premium pig and turkey flesh in it, almost resembling a sandwich if it wasn't for the hole in the center. He took a soothing bite into the virgin walls of the bagel, piercing its delicious outer skin and tasting the delicious fullness of it all. Oh wasn't it grand he thought. Yes, yes it was, he answered his own question.
He looked in a mirror, oh he loved his black hair, his slightly darker skin, and his immaculate tallness. He stared death in the face with his black eyes once, it was scary. But not scarier than his eyes. But the mirror had smudges, the dirt got everywhere on it. That 's why his skin was darker than the usual shade of skin it is at normal times. It was his grandfathers mirror, it was given to his mother's own father by the pope located in Rome for his 50th birthday, and it is like part of the family.
Juan went downstairs and saw his mom, father, and twelve younger brothers. They were wearing the fanciest of their fine sombreros sent to them from the far lands of El Salvador. El Salvador was a land founded by a guy from Spain. El Salvador also has a capital called San Salvador which is a lot like El Salvador but it has a San instead of an El which is a substantial difference. Juan is a NEET (Not in employment, education, or training, for he is just too Juan). 8 of his twelve brothers were taco stand workers or managers, the others worked in burrito stands. But Juan, he was a little different, he wanted to be a Ninja Warrior from Space, like he saw on T.V., but he couldn't, because Ninja Warriors from Space are inefficient at getting pay, but he could always become Ninja Warrior, but he wouldn't be able to be from Space. Although, he can become a citizen of Space by living there but that cost so much money for a NEET like Juan.
One day a short man from the far lands he had heard of in the stories you read as a child, the ones that bring pure nostalgia when you open the virgin pages of pure memories, a place where Ninja Warriors for Space duke it out in an all out battle royale, a place called Japan. The land of Japanese people. He walked into his house and said what Juan will never forget.
"I will make you a Ninja Warrior Juan!" are the words which had come out of the man's mouth.
"Really?!" Said Juan as he ate from the tacos piercing their virgin shells.
"Hahahahahaahahahahahahahaah, no i come to kill famiwy!"the Japanese man said with an accent thicker than molasses, for molasses is very thick, but his accent was thicker.. So he killed Juan's family with his virgin blade that felt the great taste of a humans unmodified blood, that is a delicious red that makes it want more covering its shiny body, that was shiny because it was commonly shined by the Japanese man and also was made of iron and diamonds.
"I am displeased of this ridiculous action you choose to do by using your thoughts which are controlled by your conscious thoughts!" Juan had yelled showing subtle signs of being displeased by the actions that the Japanese man chose to do that was probably premeditated and was chosen by himself.
" I woul say I'm soorri but I did this without remorsefur sorrow !" he said still having no loss of his accent that was as thick as bricks if they are layered to be thick!
"How could you trick me into believing the fact that you would train me to be a cool, awe-inspiring Ninja Warrior (By this point in his life he had dropped the From Space part, because he had felt it was unrealistic) without showing sorrowful remorse! I will AVENGE!"
"Wait so you don't care about your famiwy?" said the Japanese MAN! with a slight case of loudness and he was not being quiet.
"My family are a bunch of taco making imbeciles! Only my brothers who made burritos were worthy of our family name of Fernandez Montoya Alibario Francisco Juamenez Zampaste Burritos!" he shouted out at the top of his lungs, which were slightly below his left shoulder.
He held aloft his magic sword and yelled, "By the power of Avengers, I HAVE THE POWER!" His sword became a magicaller sword and he became Juan the Avenger! The most powerful Ninja Warrior in the Universe!
"Oh my gaaahhhhhhhhhhh! You are a magical avenger man and you will avenge everynyan by killing me!" said the now scared Jap.
"YES!" said Juan
And Juan raised his magical sword and swung it through, slightly arced in a fierce fashion, the Japanese bad man of EVIL! The Jap fell to the floor and died!
And now... he ate more toast, it was a rather toasty toast, but it lacked the required amount of toastiness for his toastiness standard, that he had developed a foggy day in April because all he had left was a slice of bread and had was too lazy to buy more food, so he toasted it. But the worst happened, it was to black from being burnt by the heat of the toaster, so had wondered if he would eat it or not. He did a bunch of Math and made, the patented, Juan Fernandez Montoya Alibario Francisco Juamenez Zampaste Burritos' Toasted Toast from the Toaster Scale of Edible Toastiness. Now away from the flashback. The culprit was none other than the toaster itself! And the culprit of the faulty toaster was none other than the those greedy toaster manufacturing bastards!
Juan yelled, "Death to the toaster manufacturers I shalt kill thy blasted lives for the modern quality of toast, which is quite sub-par, from our use to beloved toasters. And for the ways thou tallt onuppan us, how art thou so arrogant? Forgiveness is naught. How durst thou?! I besought a new fix! But you bequeath your responsibilities! Thy feres earn good money, but we lose it for shit toasters! I shalt cometh to thy base and kill thou for this blasphemy! Thou hath done much! Henceforth, I shalt not let this happen. Thou art pudh. Thou tarry without improving our toasters! I trow of a better future of toasters! Whither thou goest without a trow of improvement! Thou wist the possibility! Look what thou wrought! This could have been fixed yore! Thou dearth forgiveness! I shalt annihilate you!" said Juan the Avenger!
Juan made a very hard and arduous and painstaking and difficult and grueling and oppressive and depressing and long and time-consuming journey to the distant land these silly American buffoons call New York. He lost approximately 5.37 donkeys on the journey and he ate 437.398756 tacos. Juan, broke and broken, finally made it to the accursed factory where those damn cheap toaster are produced.
Juan barged into the factory and ran like a looney madman past the security people and the other people. He ran up a rusty metal staircase and dramatically kicked open the big boss peoples' door. The boss people were slightly astonished, but had a slight case of curiosity.
"My name is Juan Fernandez Montoya Alibario Francisco Juamenez Zampaste Burritos. You made bad toaster! Prepare to die!" Juan raised his magical sword and shouted with vengeful mightiness,"By the power of los Avengers, I HAVE THE POWER!" His sword became ultra-magicalness, and Juan became Juan the Ultra Avenger!
Then he brought down his sword into the virgin chest of Robert, the toast toaster, and virgin blood of Robert flew out and he said "NOOOOAWOOOOOWWWWANOOOOOOOOO!"
Then Bill (Robert's only son) said, "My name is Bill Smith. You killed my father. Prepare to die!" But Juan didn't die, he pierced Bill's virgin head while he was yelling some dumb lines.
"Look at how they massacred my son," said Robert's weeping wife Sarah before she was stabbed in the head.
"Your son was not special. Your son was not a beautiful or unique snowflake. Your son was the same decaying organic matter as everything else. He was part of this blasphemous toast constructing company." Juan the Ultra Avenger solemnly stated.
"What is the meaning of this madness?! Are you a vile beast?!" said a random factory worker.
"A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti." said the rather maniacal and dubious Juan.
A rather brash and young factory worker with pink hair did a transformation sequence and obtained a gigantic sniper rifle out of nowhere. She then yelled, "Say 'hello' to my little friend!" She shot the rifle, but it slightly missed Juan's head by a measly .920398271 millimeters.
"I will help you!" said the janitor who looked like a pedophile.
"I have always depended on the kindness of strangers." said the factory girl with pink hair. Juan then promptly annihilated their faces off. The janitor's last words were,"Ever since I can remember I always wanted to be a gangster," and he let out his final, painful breath.
"Listen to them. Children of the night. What music they make!" Juan yelled randomly as he took in the screams of the factory workers and waved his arms at the ceiling.
"I captured him!" an executive said just as Juan had jumped off of a table
"You idiots! That is not him! You've captured his stunt double!" yelled the manager.
"Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room!" the owner of the company cried in rage.
"Too bad!" Juan yelled!
"Who did this?" yelled the cook even though Juan was in plain sight.
"Oh, no, it wasn't the airplanes. It was Beauty killed the Beast." said the manager.
"That makes no sense out of context!" yelled Juan as he kills him. He shot the owner and the cook and all the people were dead.
"I'll be back." he said even though everyone was dead and couldn't hear him, so it obviously was to make the book more dramatic. Then as Juan looked into the horizon of the setting sun on this very dawn he thought what would Kirby do know? So Kirby came to help him out!
To Be Continued...