Hey, I really wanted to write down my depressive thoughts about Haise and Hide. But, please, if you haven't read the whole manga (Tokyo Ghoul and the sequel Tokyo Ghoul:re), don't go any further. It'd be a horrible waste of all the majestic work done by Ishida. I mean it.
Also, this is waaaay longer than it was supposed to be in the first place, so the story might be a bit slow sometimes. It might also be fucking nonsense, but y'know how I roll.
Guilt.
I was never the kind of person to feel downhearted. They say every cloud has a silver lining, and over the time I had become somewhat of an expert when it came to find it. But these days my sky was so filled with clouds, there was no place for light to do its usual magic. It wasn't just the sky, even his eyes were greyer than usual. What was that I had expected, I could no longer remember. Everything was covered, entirely concealed by a feeling of guilt I had never once in my life experienced such strongly. Since the CCG had the great idea to make me join the Quinx Squad, there was not a single split second when I would not blame myself for what I had done. All day long – and the nights... The nights were the most terrible.
Presently, I was sitting at the edge of my bed, my head resting in my hands, once more unable to find sleep. I was fighting against a violent need to infiltrate Haise Sasaki's room. I didn't know why, but I had this insane hope screaming in my mind. Watching Haise while he was asleep, wouldn't that be the only occasion for me to catch a glimpse of what he used to be, in another life? I was craving to see the serene face of the boy I once knew, to observe the long eyelashes while they would quiver peacefully under the breeze of his breath – just like before. Fuck, I was dying. The desire was too much to deal with. Completely possessed, I stood poorly on my feet and stumbled across the room, and then the corridor, holding on to the wall the best I could so I did not trip and fall miserably. I was distraught, my chest hurting with each step I took, further into the fear. It was probably the worst thing to do, but I had no other choice. I was dying.
Then, my hand grazed the wooden door. The moment of truth. Gently, I pushed it open and held my breath. Waking him up was out of the question. As slowly as I could – because I was really eager – I entered the room and slipped closer and closer to the sleeping silhouette. I could sense tears hanging from my eyelashes. No, please, not now. I had to remain quiet. I bit my lower lip. In the chiaroscuro, Sasaki's face was one of an angel, puffs of white hair scattered all around. Strange shadows were nestled under the curves and edges of his defined features, languorously moving at the pace of his respiration, creating a landscape I was much familiar with – and I felt my heart was wrecked by the sight. Still, I couldn't tear my eyes away.
"Kaneki." my voice whispered into the darkness, faint and broken.
I fell on my knees next to the bed, inches away from Haise. Close enough to feel the air he exhaled, brushing my cheeks as I leaned forward a bit more. Wandering fingers lingered on his skin, all sense of prudence lost. A sigh escaped the thin lips, and I couldn't hold back anymore. I let the tears run down my face. Why would I want that? Why would I come here to see someone who no longer existed? I knew this wasn't Kaneki, all my body was screaming it was wrong, wrong, wrong. I couldn't bask in delusions. This wasn't what I wanted. But... I just needed to see. To remember. Even if he was gone.
"Kaneki." I said again, a bit louder this time.
Sasaki's eyes fluttered open, and the world stopped around us. In this instant, in this tiny broken piece of time, I could have sworn, Kaneki was staring right at me. Suddenly, I backed away. Everything was burning and, fuck, I couldn't see shit with all the tears. Haise took hold of my guilty hand, gripping my wrist as he looked at me bewildered.
"Nagachika? What are you doing here? Is something wrong?"
Damn, he was prolix for someone who just woke up. Hard as it might have been, I managed to assemble my words and to come up with the lamest of excuses.
"I just... had a very bad dream. Sorry, didn't mean to start you."
After a long silence, Haise finally let go of my hand and sat up, still staring. He looked more concerned than frightened now.
"Tell me." he offered, and my chest tightened painfully. If I only could. My eyes screw shut as memories started to overflow me.
I couldn't tell about that time in the sewers. I couldn't tell about the despair, and the fear, and the pain, and the meaningless hope. Let's just go home already. Couldn't tell. I hear these voices... Run away or I'll... No, it's okay. I mean it. I'm sorry. You won't need to hide anymore. Somehow. I have to eat. Don't leave me alone. I have to eat. You'll lose everything to find it all. I have to eat. It's okay, I said. Be done with it. Destroy the world and be born again. There is only one way into the abyss. My salvation is just to sleep and have a happy dream. You're gonna close these eyes, and then, only then, maybe, you'll have a chance to be happy again. So will I. Maybe in your dream, I will meet you and this time, you won't leave me behind. Whoever you become. Please, promise me you won't leave me alone. My salvation is...
"Ah, forget it! It's nothing." I lied with the worst smile I had ever worn. Haise wasn't fooled, but agreed to play along anyway. He knew me pretty much as well as Kaneki – was I so easy to read? It was the first time these words seemed so cruel to say. Forget it.
"I see. If you say so." he said with a gentle tone and laid down again. "Come." he added, almost a murmur, and I froze. This was a bad idea, but I did as I was told. I could deal with one more mistake tonight, I had made too many of them already.
I settled next to him, facing his back. His shoulders were awkwardly shaking. Without thinking, I casually put my arms around him – as if this was the most natural thing to do. Gosh, he was thicker than I remembered. That made sense, though, because he surely wouldn't be alive otherwise.
"You know, sometimes I feel like I'm guilty of something. But I can't remember what, and that makes things worse." Sasaki's voice cut out my futile reflections.
And suddenly, I thought it was all my fault. Selfishly, I had pushed him to embrace this sorry excuse of a life so he wouldn't leave me alone. I had not cared about the people he had to leave; I had only cared about me. I thought the only reason I had saved him had been because I knew I would have died without him. And I didn't want to die. I wanted to have him, with me, always. I never wanted to be alone – or never wanted to leave him alone. But, now, with all the guilt eating away at me, I wondered if it was really worth it. I remembered what he did not, and so I shared his torments. I could not tell, though, if this was my punishment or his salvation.
Cruel questions called for cruel answers; be it silence or words.
"Like when you forget something super important but you don't know what? Yeah. Been there, done that." I said half-heartedly, twiddling the white fabric of his shirt. Without warning, Haise turned around to face me, careful enough not to break the circle of my arms.
His eyes were glowing mysteriously in the dark, obscure flames to which I was awfully attracted, and his lips slightly parted. Tentatively, I opened my mouth and blew warm breath all over his face. His hands moved to grip my hair, his fingers brushing the back of my neck feather-like. I shivered, and before I could process what had happened, we were kissing. Slow, hesitant touches. His grasp tightened and I could tell how desperate he was – but what was going on in his head, for once, I couldn't even begin to imagine. We were so close, melting into each other. Who was crying? Haise? Me? ...Him? The saddest thing was I didn't know. Everything – everyone – was mixed up.
I threw myself on him, unable to repress the fire in my mind. He was just looking at me, his eyes fucking begging. What were you trying to do, Haise? Each time I met his gaze, I felt like he knew,and each time, there was another deep, deep cut in my soul. I was bleeding desire, fear, guilt, regret and sorrow, coating his unravelling self in them. No matter how hard I tried, I found it difficult to touch him. Drinking the soft whimpers that escaped his lips made me sick, as I tasted the skin of his neck, chest, belly – and soon I caught myself mouthing the syllables of his former name, pressing them into his flesh, and it felt disgusting. I was abusing him. Haise was piercing me with insistent and needy looks, but I couldn't keep going. His hands tenderly lifted my head so our gazes met, and I was unable to hide how grief-stricken I was.
"Say my name." he commanded, and I knew this was the end.
"Haise." I whispered.
Somehow, I was sure I heard Kaneki cry. What was that I had expected? I created someone I could not love, for the sake of his memories I was the only one to hold.
"I'm sorry." I added, and I truly was. He caressed my hair without saying anything and I collapsed next to him.
We were the same, after all, we both had someone else under our skins.