Warning: This fic has dark and depressing issues so don't go complaining when you discover them. Also there is shounen-ai in this fic so if it offends you please don't read.

Disclaimer: I don't own digimon and never will, sadly so no suing.

A/N: This story is set roughly five years after the end of series two. I'm gonna pretend episode 50 did not happen. So enjoy

Chapter One:

Sunday, 3rd April 2005

Ken Ichijouji stared as the coffin was lowered slowly to the ground. His mother's hand tightened on his shoulder. Her wails of grief were a huge contrast to his impassive face.

People looked at his tearless eyes, his steady stance and murmured to their companions. He could imagine their thoughts. "What's wrong with this boy? He doesn't even cry at his father's funeral. The old him would have felt insecure but all he felt was a dull regret. All his senses were dulled, lately. He went through the motions but inside he was empty, devoid of emotion.

He was glad of the sanctuary of his room after the funeral. People kept asking how he was. What would they think if he said the truth, his father's death hadn't hurt him, in the slightest? He gave a small smile at the idea of their shock.

There was the flip side to his happiness at being alone though. He was able to think. To discover fully just how empty he was. Ken began to worry. No. Worry was to strong a word. He began to negatively wonder if he had lost his humanity, his ability to feel.

He thought of his father's death, trying to stir the feelings that must be lying within him somewhere. They'd been driving to a football match. His father had been complaining once again about his hair. "But Dad, I like it that way."

"You look like a girl."
"I suppose you agree mother?"
"Well dear, it's even getting near your shoulders now."
"I'll take that as a yes than."
"Oh Ken."
"I'm not cutting it!"
His father had given a tut of annoyance, "Sam would never have acted this way."
"What?" cried Ken in anger.
"Now, now, you two don't fight." His mother had pleaded more than ordered.
"Mum, if dad feels Sam was the better son than he should say it to my face."
His father turned to face him. "I'm sorry. Of course I didn't mean it that way. I just-"
"Kevin!" Ken remembered the unearthly scream of his mother as the petrol tank had crashed into them.

The impact had been huge though the driver had tried to swerve. His father was killed instantaneously. His mother's spine was damaged possibly forever. Due to her being hospitalised the funeral had been postponed for nearly a month.

He'd gone to see her, played the dutiful son but truth was ever since that day he hadn't felt a thing. No real sensations of any kind. It felt like he was walking around in a bubble. Nothing that happened to the outside world connected with him. It had no relevance for the fatherless child.

He stared at his computer screen. It wasn't even switched on. He had no desire to surf the Internet or programme. He'd no desire to do anything at all. He looked at Wormon's empty basket. Ken had been so upset when Wormmon informed his partner that he would be returning to the digital world with the other digimon. Now he could barely picture his little green buddy never mind remember his personality.

Ken wanted this numbness to end. His gaze rested on his stationary mug. He picked out one of his pencils, sharpened it a little and pressed the point into his thumb. His body awoke to the pain and for one second he felt alive. It was over all too quickly. Ken yearned to achieve that alive state once more.. Maybe somehow he could intensify the feeling though and make it longer? He looked around again until his gaze finally rested on the scissors.

Monday, 18th April 2005

16-year-old, Takeru Takashi bounded up the court. His spirit reaching new heights as he grabbed the ball off a fellow player. He aimed for the net, reached back his arm and was shocked to discover, someone had nicked the ball. he spun 'round and watched helplessly as the opposite team scored a three pointer.

T.K shrugged his bag off his shoulders and dashed up to his room to ring his girlfriend, Kari Kamiya.
"Hey Kari!"
"Oh…hello T.K." She sounded a bit distracted to say the least.
"Kari you'll never guess what, the coach told me I'm off the basketball team."
"Why?" T.K was glad to hear the genuine concern in her voice. He'd been imagining things before.
"Said I no longer played as well as I needed to and maybe with practice I could get back in. Isn't that so unfair?"
"We-el. Your game has dropped a little."
"You agree with him?" T.K found his incredulity difficult to hide.
"I'm sure you'll get it back together. In fact I know you will. After all I wouldn't be dating a loser, right?"
Her boyfriend gave a murmur of agreement. He would get better; he just needed some more practice. Feeling much more optimistic he began his homework.

Saturday, 23rd April 2005

"See you later, T.K." The blond teenager waved goodbye to his elder brother and turned to head home.

It was 2.pm , he and Matt had spent the morning browsing shops where they could never buy anything and then had a huge lunch to waste the little money they did have. T.K had been glad to spend some time with Matt. They barely spoke any more since Matt was so busy with his college work.

CRASH.
"I'm sorry," a boy muttered. T.K looked up at the person he'd just walked into. "Ken? I can't believe it's you!" If he'd been a puppy his tail would've wagged. He looked up at his old friend. Sure his blue hair had grown a little and he'd lost a little weight but he was still plainly Ken. "Hey, Takeru." Ken finally responded. T.K was surprised he used his full name over the nickname everyone used.
"Well, bye then." said Ken stepping into the crowd.
"Wait! Why don't we grab lunch or something? You don't have to be anywhere do you?" Ken stared at the chibi-like face wishing he'd just go away but he had to give in.
"No, I don't have to be anywhere."
"Good,"smiled T.K, "'Cause I've a favour to ask you."
"What?"
"You're good at sports right."
"Well, yeah, I guess so."
"So, I was wondering would you help me get better at basketball?"
"Why?"
T.K looked a little embarrassed, "I've been kicked off the team and I need to improve."

--------------------Ken's POV---------------------

What's this I'm feeling? Is it pity? He looks so sad and ashamed. He looked much better when there was a huge smile on his face.
"First off, if you want to be good at basketball?"
"uh-huh?" asked Takeru eyes alight with hope.
"Cut down on junk food, for a start." I smiled pulling the unwilling boy away from Burgers-R-Us. "C'mon Takeru, we can get a healthy lunch back at mine."

I was shocked at my forwardness. After all we hadn't spoken for a few years now, since I lived in another district. Did we actually have enough food in the house to make a healthy lunch? It was too late to back out though.

"Sure, Ken that would be great. Don't you live quite far away, though?"
"We moved." I knew I was being short with him but I didn't want to say why we'd moved or to talk about my father's death. I didn't want Takeru to turn from behaving in an ordinary manner to the pitying awkward people- who surrounded me -with no idea what to say. I wanted to take my mind off all that so I didn't feel dead inside.

"Cool, let's go." He dragged me by the arm and it tickled me that he was leading with no idea where he was going. I stepped forward and led the way.

Our new apartment's quite small but it's still cosy. It was funny, I'd barely noticed it when we'd moved in but Takeru was all over it. "Wow, Ken it's a really nice view over here."
"I guess."
I wandered over to the fridge while he enjoyed spotting different places he knew. Dammit no food. My mum was staying with her sister again. Aunt Tomoyo and Uncle Touya could look after her properly even though her back caused trouble. I was asked to come as well of course but I'd rather be by myself.

"Sorry, Takeru. We've no food." I glanced at him; his blond hair was spikier than I remembered yet his eyes still were an open view into his thoughts. The big similarity though was he still felt older than me and somehow wiser.
"Ken why do you call me Takeru?"
"Well you seem too mature to be T.K any more."

------------T.K's POV------------------

I felt somehow special because he said that. It was like he was acknowledging I'd grown. It was nice. There was a silence not awkward just thoughtful. I looked around his new apartment.
"So, Ken, anywhere nearby we can play?"
"Play? Oh right. Yeah, there's a park near here, I'll just grab a t-shirt and a basketball." He dashed into his room. I went to follow.

The door was ajar and I couldn't help but see…his chest. Vicious scars covered the flesh, "Holy God." I gasped in disbelief. Ken whirled around to face me. His eyes were alight with shock. "How dare you come into my room without my permission?"
"I…I…I'm sorry." I stuttered in the face of his white hot anger, "But Ken how did you get all those cuts."
"It's fine, Takeru, just go!"
"I can't. I mean I won't until you tell me what's going on. I'm your friend Ken."
"Then leave me in peace!" Hi voice reminded me of the long gone digimon emperor's but it was deeper now, more powerful, more frightening.
"Let me help you, Ken."
"There's no problem! I did them myself." Unable to contain my shock, I screamed, "You did those yourself? Why would anyone do that?"
"I need to do it."
"Why, Ken?"
"You couldn't understand. If you tried it you'd know."
I tried to calm down. "What would I know, Ken?"
"I have utter control. With each cut I announce I'm human, announce I feel. It's ecstasy."
"It's insanity. You need help."

He grabbed my chin and forced me to stare into his face, each feature finely cut. His blue eyes were dark with hidden truths, "TK, you can't help me."
I grabbed the wrist of the hand that gripped me so tight. With my other hand I plucked the sweatband off. The scars were almost purple, there was literally no patch of clear skin. I guessed, most of these had been reopened many times, "maybe I can't help you but you definitely need someone." I rushed out of his apartment holding back my tears.

-----------Third person--------

Takeru dashed out of the apartment making odd gulping noises. Ken merely slumped down onto the floor unable to take his eyes off his scarred wrist.
I should feel something. He doesn't understand. I just don't function properly. It's my only way to feel real emotion.

Ken slipped the sweatband back on, covering up his scars, covering up his problem.

A/N: What did you think? Please remember to r+r. This is my first Kenkeru so I'm really interested in your thoughts.