She starts out as a voice in your head, nicely reminding you what's wrong with what you're doing. She carefully reminds you not to talk about your new dog, even though you're your new obsessions. She reminds you that people don't like how you dress. She reminds you what you need to change about yourself. She figures out your insecurities and she brings them to the surface. She becomes a leech on your skin, never letting you out of her sight.

She reminds you how to act to get people to like you, kindly points out your flaws and how to fix them. She points out your jutting chin, your tall height, your gangly limbs, all things that you want to change. But you don't think anything about it. This is what everyone goes through, right?

Soon her presence has manifested into something bigger, her once helpful hints on life, have become something more sinister. Her sugary sweet voice turns into something more bitter than black coffee. She has transformed into your worst nightmare, and even worse she has transformed you.

She smooths out her wrinkle-free dress. The ruffles on her cotton candy colored dress are everything that you would expect from her. Her silky straight brown hair fall carelessly down her shoulders, something you were always envious of. Her beautifully tan skin is glowing even though it's the middle of winter. She's wearing those little kitten heels that carefully click click click on the tiled floor in your bathroom. She says that she wants to make you look beautiful, but her voice is full of malice, not love. She changes your appearance until you can barely recognize yourself, mentally and physically. She reminds you of Riley, a darker version of Riley, but you don't mind. Riley is your best friend, so obviously she would be the one

One day you hear her talking about you, and how ugly you are and how much of an annoyance you are to her life. How clingy you are, and how fake you are around everyone. You are shocked. She was supposed to be something that helped you become a better person. You finally see her snakelike ways that slithered past you for so long. You feel hurt, and finally the picture of her that once stood on the highest shelf has come tumbling down, shattering into a million pieces.

You confront her. How could she say this about you? How could she be the one that hurt you? She laughs bitterly in your face and reveals all your flaws in the harshest of ways. She reveals your darkest fears, that your father never loved you. How he only stayed because he had a place to live. That Lucas still, and will always, love Riley and is just so annoyed with you and your bantering. Her booming voice echoes in your head long after she's stopped talking. Her voice stabs you like a dull rusty knife. But you stay with her for long after you find out the truth. You know that she is a poisonous thing in your life, but you don't let that stop you from keeping her close. You're so attached that you can't seem to let her go.

But then you snap. You scream at her about how much she has ruined your life. You become the hurricane of hurt, and she is nowhere near the eye of the storm. You destroy everything that is in your path, destroying everything she has changed about you. You're laughing bitterly, her sweet lady like outfits mask her dark intentions.

As you heal from her malice ways, she never completely leaves your mind, because you can never destroy something forever. But I guess that's what self-loathing does to you. She recreates yourself until you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror. She changes you until you can't even recognize yourself. The worst part wasn't losing her, it was losing you

…

Dearest Self-Loathing,

I appreciate your concern with my life, but I'm sorry to inform you that even though your words may sting, I won't be listening to what you have told me. Your perfect complexion masks the dark tendrils of your soul. That pretty sparkle in your eye are like poinsettias. Your bright red petals attract many people, but once they get too close they learn that you aren't as nice as you seem, in fact you're deadly and not worth the time and effort to keep alive. Your scalding words are like jellyfish, not a threat until you're the one receiving the sting of its tentacles.

Your innocent dresses and your pretty little kitten heels don't fool me. Your sugary sweet voice, is almost too sweet. Like the day after Halloween and all you want to do is vomit at the amount of candy you've eaten. You're an unpleasant taste in my mouth, and I need to chew some gum to get rid your bitter aftertaste. Even though you may look and act like Riley, I would like you to stop trying to poison my image of her too.

I remember when we first met. It was in fourth grade and you were walking alone in the playground and I embraced you. I brought you into my life without a second hesitation, just wanting you to feel something that wasn't loneliness. You poisoned my life like injecting someone with fire, the painful burning until they die. You killed me in the worst way possible, you shred me piece by piece, until there was nothing left. You revealed the insecurities I didn't know I had, and you exposed how dark you could be to destroy my well-being.

I think the worst part of letting you in my life was that you destroyed everything I knew about myself. You found a way to break everything that I held dear, and I know the worst part of meeting you wasn't losing the people around me, it was losing myself.

Now, I am going to burn this letter to show how done I am with you. I don't need you telling me what I'm doing wrong with my life and I just want to feel okay with myself again. The worst part of this all, is that I lost myself.

Without Love,

Maya Hart