Note: I don't know what anyone is going to think of this. As before, if you've come to this story fresh, it might help if you go and read the other stories in the series; created by Ntrophi, and contributed to by Ovo and LadyKayoss. And please don't flame me. Regarding this story, they are huge spoilers of Fight Club, so if you haven't seen it, the shock twist is (sort-of) revealed here!
The Evils of Fight Club
by JetNoir
People are always asking me: do I know General Hein?
I respond, yeah, of course. He does run the place doesn't he? Place – base. I like that.
I was once told that with a gun barrel between your teeth, you speak only in vowels. Nobody's ever stuck a gun in my mouth. I'm more comfortable with that. Aren't you? I'd hate that. All that yucky oil and metal in your mouth!
Wait.
I'll start over. For six months I couldn't sleep.
Damn! Major…what have I told myself about over-exaggerating. This isn't his story. It's mine.
For six days I couldn't sleep. Hershey had been a bit mean, and had threatened to release some incriminating pictures of a certain infamous night, unless I became her unwilling slave. Okay, I'm lying. She wanted to become my unwilling slave, but frankly that's probably the worse scenario. So what could I do? Not a lot really. Anyhoos, I was walking down the corridor, in my most Majorial fashion, and I happened to see something pinned on the wall.
URGENT NOTICE
By order of General Hein, any and all of this supposed 'Fight Clubs' that are springing up over the Base are to cease and desist operation immediately. Why you idiots want to go and get beaten to a pulp, when you come and see to get it done for free, beats me. What's that Hershey…these Fight Clubs are free as well? How do you…oh never mind.
And will somebody please shoot that pathetic Major Elliot while you're at it. Ta much.
General Hein
My mouth opened in shock as I twisted around, and jumped. Hershey had sneaked up and was standing just behind me. She walked backwards slowly, and drew her pistol out of her holster. Considering what had happened last time, I wasn't too worried, except when she fired at my head, I could hear, and feel, the bullet whizzing past my ear! My eyes widened in shock, and I realised the truth. Her gun was loaded.
Yet as I looked into her eyes, I saw that they were clear. Then it struck me…Hershey might have a cute nose, but her eyes were beautiful.
"Run dear," she whispered. I jumped again. Behind her were a group of shaven headed soldiers dressed in black, their automatic weapons levelled at me. "RUN!" Hershey screamed, and I needed no more telling. We both twisted at the same time, and as I ran away, I wept at my cowardice as I waited for the chattering of bullets, that would signal the end of Hershey's life.
She had died to protect me.
She wasn't who I thought she was.
Then I saw the notice. The other notice.
EXTREMELY URGENT NOTICE
My previous notice, ordering the assassination of that good-for-nothing Major Elliot is hereby revoked.
Elliot – you'd better appreciate this.
General Hein
"Right," said a voice next to me, "what do you want to do now?" I looked to my side.
"HERSHEY?" I screamed, "What are you doing?"
"No chattering bullets," she smiled, "I'm stiiiiiiiiiillll alive!"
Then I realised that I hadn't heard anything. I also realised that I had thought chattering bullets. No…better not go there.
Hershey was very close to me, and we both staring at each other's eyes. Ah, I thought, this is it. This is the meaning I've been searching for. Realising burping wasn't an option, I leant forward and tenderly kissed Hershey on the lips, to which she responded.
"Hmmmm, Ah Hmmm," the noise of someone clearing their throat snapped me back to attention. It was General Hein. Eating a Mars Bar. Damn! Wait…this could be used to my advantage.
"Thankyou Major," I smiled, "that will be all." With an eyebrow raised, she backed off slowly.
"General," I said, "glad you could join us. Hersh… the Major was unsure of how to respond if someone was unconscious. I though it best to teach her."
"Of course, old boy. Jolly good show, wot wot!"
I blinked. Eating chocolate seemed to make General Hein have psychotic/paranoid episodes. It had never turned him into one of the English aristocracy.
"Indeed?" I asked.
"Major…be a good fellow and come with me. There's a council meeting, wot wot!"
"Sure," I replied, "oh, and General. Maybe you want me to do the talking?"
At least Hein was silent as we walked to the council chamber…except for this:
"Major…I was wondering…how do you ask a girl out, old boy?"
"Why, sir?"
"I want to take Dr Ross for a date. I've always thought she liked the jacket. You know…sexy. Chick's dig that, right?"
How could this day get any weirder?
On second thoughts, don't answer that.
--
Hershey's quarters"He kissed me!" The cute-nosed Major was beside herself with glee, "Maybe he wants to marry me! Oh, Eli-poo. I LOVE YOU!"
She was going into psychopath mode.
This could get fun.
--
Undisclosed location; somewhere on the baseThe man slammed to the cold floor, pain shooting through his body. The crowd roared and screamed with glee as Councilwoman Hee leaped up, and slammed into the undisclosed soldier, knocking him clean out! She leaped up, and roared to the ceiling, as all the other men rushed to her, and yelled their adoration for the diminutive champion. In the arena…you could be a god.
--
Ah, back to me. You know I hate it when the narrative branches off like that.
It's been some time later, due to Councilwoman Hee's late arrival to the meeting. She had a small cut above her left eye, and I was worried. I liked her…and she seemed so frail!
"This is a brief meeting, so I, in turn, will be brief," she began, "after vigorous investigation, no trace of any of these supposed 'Fight Clubs' has been found. Therefore I urge you to get on with your lives, and don't bother this Council, unless there is something of import."
And that was that. But then that wouldn't make a very interesting story, now, would it?
That really seemed a bit pointless, now I come to think of it. Then again, you could see life itself, as a bit pointless.
Night.
Again I couldn't sleep. Why the hell had I kissed Hershey? What good could it possibly bring? I got a bizarre urge to make soap. But I didn't know how.
Sad.
--
General Hein's office"What have I told you? YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT FIGHT CLUB! There…now I've gone and broken the rules."
"Blatant assassination won't work sir. We have to be more subtle."
"Yes…but the end result must be the same. Major Elliot must die."
--
Good morning!
The sun is shining through my window…or rather it would be if the barrier were no longer up. I guess I should count my blessings it is up. But I don't half miss the sun.
When I walked into General Hein's office, I saw no chocolate in sight – and took that for a good thing.
"Major!" he barked, when he saw me, "we have an urgent situation!"
"Really sir?" I replied, still a bit wary, "What exactly is that?"
Hein sighed, "Firstly Major, when you think about me, can you refer to me as General Hein…and it seems that someone has destroyed all the female toilet facilities on the base…and when everyone tries to use the public address system, Simon and Garfunkel's 'The Sound of Silence' comes blasting out at a hundred decibels."
"Ironic," I muttered, and then louder, "So what are we doing about it sir?"
"Contrary to Councilwoman Hee's announcement, I believe that these 'Fight Club's' still exist. Indeed, I believe she is heavily involved in them."
"Really sir? Why do you think that?"
"Well, it certainly isn't because I created them! That would be silly."
"Of course not, sir." It was 'humour the General time'.
"So, Major Elliot. I want you to go undercover, and enter the…Fight Club!"
"WHAT? NO!" realising what I'd just said, I coughed, and hastily added, "but I spending time writing a book! 'How not to get beaten up in six easy steps (and 705 very difficult ones)'…surely this would be contrary to my beliefs! You're impinging on my religious beliefs!" At this point, the General was glaring at me, with his arms folded.
"Fine," I muttered.
This was not good.
--
General Hein's office; five minutes later"He's on his way," said the General, "so see he doesn't leave."
"Of course, your anarchic genius, Mr General, sir."
--
As I descended into the basement, I could smell sweat and blood, its subtle reek, making me queasy. Roars emerged from the door, and I looked around for a Lion. The animal – not the chocolate. I'd had enough of chocolate forever thanks to General Hein. I kept going, knowing I was going to end up in sickbay real quick.
My mouth dropped as I saw the leader of the Club. It was Hee! She was meant to be such a sweet old lady. I looked to the floor, and saw Dr Sid climb off Ryan Whittaker from the Deep Eyes squadron. And Whittaker had lost!
"We have time for one more bout," called out Councilwoman Hee, and she glared around the room, until her gaze fell on…ME!
"We have a newcomer!" she yelled, "So! Just remember. DO NOT TALK ABOUT FINAL FIGHT CLUB! And if it's your first time…YOU HAVE TO FIGHT!"
Oh drat.
I was dragged to the centre of the ring, surrounded by beaten and bruised bodies, when a figure stepped in front of me. My opponent.
Hershey?
Double drat.
She was in psychopath mode.
This can of course, only mean triple drat.
--
Now, I'd like to tell you, that I beat Hershey in less than half a minute. Gave her the old left right, you know, and emerged victorious. That's exactly the way it happened. Except it was the other way round.
--
When I staggered into General Hein's office, the next morning I found the Deep Eyes squadron standing there receiving their weekly orders.
"Ah, Major," Hein called, "come right on in!" He dismissed Gray, Ryan (still looking sullen after last night defeat), Jane and Neil, then urged me in.
"Don't talk Major…I can't be bothered listening," Hein said, "instead…I want to tell you the truth. About everything. You see, there is a price on your head. I know this because I put it there. My real name is Brad Pitt, and I am extremely rich and handsome. I also created the Fight Clubs."
"What?" I yelled, "You're Brad Pitt? Yeah, right." The General looked pretty hurt, but I didn't care. "Wait a minute. You created Fight Club?" I realised the enormity of the situation. As the gun barrel struck me on the temple, and I fell to the floor, I heard Hein whisper in my ear: "What have I told you about addressing me as General in your thoughts. You see Elliot, the whole secret is…you and I…we are the same person."
"No we're not," I said, and fell asleep.
--
When I woke up, I had a gun in my mouth.
Not a pleasant experience, I can tell you. Then again, I believed I covered that at the start of this twisted story.
"What the +bleep+ is going on?" I shouted, and when I realised the minor cursing I had just uttered had been bleeped out, I frowned. "General…why is any +bleep+ swearing being bleeped out!"
"It's this +bleep+ author…JetNoir. Bet you he thought it was a +bleep+ clever plot-device, without realising how +bleep+ annoying it is!"
"But +bleep+ doesn't make any…hang on. That wasn't swearing!"
Sorry.
"Enough with the +bleeping+ already!" I yelled, growing more and more confused.
As I slipped back into my own thoughts, I began to take stock. I had a gun in my mouth. I don't want a gun in my mouth. Therefore, if the gun were in my hand…it would be so much easier.
And so it was.
With a pistol in my hand, I rose, and shakily pointed it at the General.
"Hein!" I yelled, "What the blazes is this? What's going on?"
"Don't you see Major? The beginning! The beginning of something glorious. In less than a minute, the entire base will be destroyed! Our tyrannical machinations will be ended immediately."
Apart from the fact I thought this was the most sensible suggestion, since, well ever…there was still one thing left.
"Hein! What about all the people. You're condemning all under your command to certain death!"
"Of course I'm not!" Hein retorted, "I sent them all away on paid vacation."
It made sense.
Wait?
Blowing up a military base, and giving the soldiers paid leave. The finance department would never forgive us.
"I'm sorry sir!" I yelled, bringing the gun higher, "But this is for the good of us all!"
I pulled the trigger.
--
In less than thirty seconds, Hershey was by my side, and as I gazed wordlessly at the master-bomb, I realised that by pulling the red wire.
The bombs exploded.
Nah, just joking.
The countdown stopped, and with the murder of my superior officer, I decided the best option would be to run.
I kissed Hershey gently on the cheek, and whispered goodbye. Then I saw her eyes widen, and I realised she was going into psychopath mode.
I ran a lot faster.
--
So with Hershey hot on my heels, I pelted through the empty base, unsure of what the future may bring. The smoking head…with attached corpse…of General Hein lay, well, smoking behind us.
I guess though, as this twisted story draws to a close that everything is going to be alright…but is this the end, the beginning; or some messed-up alternate universe that will cease to exist as soon as you stop reading in, oh, about thirty seconds time.
Just don't tell anyone.
Okay..?
--
written and directed by JETNOIR
based on the novel 'Fight Club' by CHUCK PALAHNUIK
based on the film 'Fight Club' directed by DAVID FINCHER
based on the film 'Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within' directed by HIRONOBU SAKAGUCHI
produced by THE PURPLE MONKEY
music by PAUL SIMON and ART GARFUNKEL
concept by NTROPHI
continued by LADYKAYOSS and OVO
casting by JETNOIR
MAJOR ELLIOT
GENERAL DOUGLAS HEIN
MAJOR HERSHEY
"THE EVILS OF FIGHT CLUB"
also starring COUNCILWOMAN HEE
DR AKI ROSS
CAPTAIN GRAY EDWARDS
RYAN WHITTAKER
JANE PROUDFOOT
NEIL FLEMING
and featuring DR. SID
a FANFICTION presentation
in association with FOX 2000 PICTURES
a PURPLE MONKEY production
a fanfic by JETNOIR
By the way… the rumours I finally ended up in New Jersey, very drunk, are, ahem, entirely unfounded.
By the way, if anyone's in the area, could I hitch a lift back to New New York? Please?
Pretty, pretty please, with a cherry on top?
THE END…or is it?
Note: I can only plead that you don't flame me. I apologise profusely if anyone was offended by the suggested bombings, in light of recent events. Being British myself, I am as shocked and horrified as the next person, but this part of the story had been outlined before the atrocities, and, it is a crucial part of 'Fight Club'. However, if you didn't like it, could you please tell me which part…of if you did like it, please could you do the same. This was a very strange, a probably not-too-successful trying to blend two extremely different films, but what I found weird was the number of similarities I could find. I've got another idea for an Evils of fic, that although, again will be different, will be more in line with Ntrophi's, LadyKayoss', and Ovo's stories. I hope you enjoyed it, and please review.
Disclaimer: Characters/Scenario are copyright to Square Pictures/Ntrophi; and the story to me. Fight Club is copyright to Chuck Palahnuik, and I'm sure Brad Pitt wouldn't endorse this story! This story has been written on the understanding that you may read it and print it out; but you may not pass it off as your own, hire it out, or sell it for money. You also may not put it on your own or any other web page without my express written permission. Thankyou!
JetNoir