This is going to be in Ritsu's pov. It's his life after the breakup ten years prior. He's basically telling Takano what he did during those ten years they were apart. Here it is! Happy Valentines day!
Right back to you
We lied in bed together. The room was quiet, the air was still. It wasn't awkward…it wasn't a deafening silence either, it was contentment. I could feel your strong arms wrapped around my waist, and your body heat radiating against mine.
I held you in my arms gently, our legs intertwined, our bodies exposed underneath the blankets…when I think of when I confessed two years ago, I shudder in happiness and in fear. I was terrified. I was ecstatic. I was in shock. And I was in relief. And even after all this time,
I can't control the pounding in my heart….
"Ritsu…" I felt you hand caress my hair, as you whispered into my ear. I blush at the action, but I don't try to hide it anymore. I love it…I love this feeling…and I love you…
"Yes?" I speak softly, and trace the bed sheets designs with my fingers. You lift your head, and turn my face to yours. Your eyes say so much, yet so little.
"Will you tell me what you did those ten years?" He looked at me softly, with all the love in the world lingering in those eyes….how could I resist?
"W-well…okay…It might take a while…." I stutter nervously-this is the first time I'll share what I got myself into those ten years. But that part of my life is over and you have already spoken of your past events…and even though it slightly hurt, I was moved by your words.
He watches me, and kisses me gently on the cheek, "I want to know it all. Please."
Have you ever loved someone so much you would give an arm for? No-
Not the expression….
Literally give them your arm…
I would have…back then, I would have, for you, Takano Masamune. You were my everything. The air that I breathed, the blood that circulated in my veins, you were my life. And damn, was I a fool to think that at 15 the words 'I love you,' were pure and true.
Because I was, in fact, more than just infatuated with you….i loved you. When we would hang out, whether it was just sitting together, or reading in the library, or going to your house, that was enough for me. That was enough.
Those moments were perfect.
Every single one of them….I thought and hoped that they'd last forever….
But as all stories,
They end.
"Mother, Father, I want to study abroad." I stood firmly in place, preparing for the dreadful conversation that mother would make. It was only a matter of seconds before she put her hands on her hips and scolded me.
"Ritsu Onodera! What are you talking about? You don't need to study abroad. I know you haven't been feeling well enough to go to school lately, but I highly doubt that studying abroad will make your depressive phase any less painful. We have to work through this together. We're a family, and we love you. That is why you must stay here." She stood pacing through the room, which only deepened my anxieties to my lower belly. I felt sick. Sick of her. Sick of expectations. Sick of moping….and sick….and tired..
Of you.
"But mother! Please I want to go! I need to go!" I begged, and looked to my father for an answer.
"Why? WHY are you so eager to leave? I want a reason-and I want a valid one!" Her voice was stern, and she tapped her foot repeatedly. I pouted, and tried to think of a good reason…I couldn't just blurt out 'oh the guy I was in love with dumped me in a horrid way, basically making complete fun of me with a fucking snort.' Yea-there was no way in hell she'd let me leave after that…NO WAY.
Just as I was about to answer, I heard my father's approval. Mother and I turned to him, both in shock.
"Soichiro!" My mother was appalled, knowing her, she'd probably bicker with him about it for a long time to come…but since I was leaving, I didn't need to dread it. "Why must he go? He has no reason to study abroad." My mother continued her rant, but neither of us listened to her.
"Oh, thank you father! Thank you so much." I was half-heartedly excited. But my outside appearance did not convey any of my doubts. He simply nodded and spoke again,
"I'll call your cousin. She'll get you the best of the best in no time. Until then, go pack your bags." I left the room, and closed the door to my mother's pleading.
Today,
Was the start of a whole new life.
The flight was exhausting, but the scenery was beautiful. I was in awe looking at the buildings and people. But there was an emptiness that shadowed my every move…
It was you.
I wish you were there with me, I wished you were there with your blank yet excited expressions that you made….
But it was then and there that I decided,
I WOULD NEVER HAVE SUCH THOUGHTS AGAIN.
My dorm was extraordinary. My classes were the best of the best. My social status was sky rocket but….none of those things mattered to me…
"Hey, you're the new guy right?" A tall blonde boy stood in front of me. He was quite handsome, gentle looking, and he stared at me in interest.
"Y-yes. I'm Onodera Ritsu." I bowed in respect, which only let out a chuckle from the blonde.
"Haha, oh yes. I remember they said you were from Japan. I hear your filthy rich. So am i. Let's hang out Ritsu." He held his hand out to me, and I took it, giving him a firm handshake.
"Um, okay. But what should I call you?" I asked, just out of curiosity if we were going to be friends. He laughed again, and brushed his bangs out of his face.
"OH, Haha. How rude. I didn't even tell you my name. Bates. James Bates."
That day during lunch, I met a ton of different people. All Englishman, of course. But I didn't mind. They were a nice bunch. We all got along pretty well. And even though I was new to their group and their customs,
They accepted me.
"Hey Ritsu. Let's go to a party this weekend." A girl with purple streaks in her hair flung her arms around me. I laughed sheepishly, for I didn't know what kind of party she meant-I had only know the lavishing parties that my family threw. But on this side of the world, things were a whole lot different.
I had only been in England for about a month. I had great friends. I had a good time. But I still…felt a cold, dark part of my body dead. And even though I forced out most thoughts of you,
I could still feel the warmth of your breath on my skin.
"Sure. What time?" I asked, and another girl wrapped her arms around my waist. It made me nervous, I had only done it with one person in my whole 15 years of life-you. James playfully pushed the girls off of me, causing 'awes' from the girls mouths.
"I'll get you at 8:00. How about it eh, Ritsu?" I shrugged. I wasn't about to let myself drowned in misery, while I knew you were having the time of your life.
And in that moment I swore,
I WOULD NEVER LET YOUR HIDEOUS MEMORY LINGER INSIDE OF ME ANY LONGER.
Just as James said, he picked me up at 8:00 that weekend. And we headed off to a party. The music was blaring, and the smell of alcohol and smoke swirled in the air. James and I went inside, passing a ton of drunk boys and seductive girls.
"Have a few drinks Ritsu." I bit my lip, I had never even had a sip of alcohol in my life-I was only 15 for Christ sake…but I did. I complied.
James and I were drunk as hell shortly after that. I remember it vaguely, but we danced on the tables, and took countless shots. Girls hung all over me, and I couldn't help but want to drown out your presence.
A red-lipped, black haired girl caught my eye. She studied me, and bit her lit in anticipation. How could I resist such an offer? I strolled up to her, and few words were exchanged, we just wrestled out tongues together in lust. I wanted her. I wanted her fuck her. But most of all,
I wanted to forget who I lost it too.
And then I promised myself,
I WOULD FORGET YOU TONIGHT.
I woke up with a pounding in my head. I was in a random room, naked, with an unfamiliar woman beside me. She pet my hair, and hummed a little tune to herself. She held me close, and I-who was completely lost at this point-to the liberty of hugging her back.
We stayed like that for a long time, no words were exchanged, no gestures or comments, just silence.
She looked up at me, staring at me with her blue eyes,
"I want to be your girlfriend." And at this, my heart broke a little smaller. I didn't even know this woman…I didn't even know her name…and she wanted to be my girlfriend? Like hell I'd accept.
"Sure." I blurted out momentarily, and her eyes lit up in happiness. That smile….those eyes….i hate her already….and it was at this moment, that I had once again vowed,
I WOULD NEVER FALL IN LOVE AGAIN.
Weeks passed, and I found myself bored. I was drinking more, I had smoked something they called 'weed' a lot…it made me happy. Or at least, I pretended it did. Life was being lived to the fullest. Because I wanted to achieve something much greater than you. That girl and I had broken up after I had sex with her the third time. I didn't even bother to remember her name. She wanted to be close to me, so I allowed myself to associate with her as a friend.
I dated many girls within a few weeks time. And just like every other time, I dumped them. Leading them on, then dropping them off. Some cried, some begged. But that didn't stop me. I didn't care. I just wanted to forget…
Your face…
Your lips…
Your eyes….
I wanted to forget the way you walked….talked…..said my name…..i wanted to burn in all into my memory, and then let the container seal it away to forget. But I had forgotten that I had broken that container weeks ago-or rather, you broke it…
It had been a few months in England, and the new school year was starting. My birthday was right around the corner, and James said he had something special planned.
"Ritsu! Hey, I wanna do something for you on your birthday. Are you free?" I shrugged, and took long, burning drags from my blunt-or that's what James called it at least. He took it from my mouth, and took a drag himself. We stood in silence, just passing the damned thing back and forth until it was gone.
Then he broke the silence once again, "I like you Ritsu." I looked up from the floor, almost shocked at the comment. I snickered in disbelief. Best friends don't fall in love with their best friends….do they? Maybe-just maybe, I could find happiness in him…so then I contemplated,
WHETHER OR NOT I COULD TRULY LOVE WITHOUT YOU.
We started going out, and believe me, we were more than compatible. He never rushed me into anything, never made me doubt his affections. I liked him, but I couldn't bring myself to love him. Especially after that night..
My birthday.
"Ritsu, hurry up, I wanna get there before it's too late." James paced around the room, gathering his wallet and keys. I brushed my hair in the bathroom, combing out my new hair style into place. He peered in through the doorway, and I could see him staring at me through the glass.
But I didn't care. Honestly, I didn't care about him any more than a friend. I had already cheated on him multiple times, both in front of him and behind his back. But he never seemed to care. Because I told him about you, Saga-Senpai, and it made him burst into tears. He knew why I was the way I was. Every time I hurt him, he would hold me and kiss me, saying that it was alright, and that he forgave me. But I didn't care.
Though the dreams of your face faded slowly,
Though the feeling of your body against mine was long forgotten,
Though the very image of your eyes and the sound of your voice were gone,
I still knew, deep down, you weren't completely gone.
Tonight. Tonight was the night. I told myself I would make love to another man, just to ease the pain in my aching heart.
We went for a drive outside of the city. We drove for a long time, it seemed, when we stopped at a hillside. There was light snow, but it dissolved into rain when it hit the ground. I could seem him smiling at the sight, so I too pretended to be amused.
"I thought you might like it. You always take about driving out of the city." He took my hand, which i gave no protest to. I didn't care. I just wanted to forget. I just wanted to numb the sickening nausea you forced upon me.
I gave him a fake smile, one that not even he could see through. And I spoke those words to yet another person, for the millionth time, again.
"I love you."
We drove home, and we had a few drinks that night again. It was a habit at that point. Being drunk or high seemed to make things fade or heal quicker. So I used that method as my coping skill.
James and I went into his dorm, and continued our drinking and small talk. He didn't share with anyone, and I liked that fact. Because I used his place several times when sleeping with all the girls during the past year. It was an easy fuck.
And I took advantage of this.
"James." I took off my coat and scarf, tossing them to the side. He too removed that layer of clothing, and sat on his bed.
"Yes?" He voice shook, but mine was still and calm. I knew what I wanted, and I would have it. I got on top of him, slowly unbuttoning his shirt. He had been waiting for this for a long time, and I was finally giving it to him. He wrapped his arms around my waist, slowly grinding on me with light moans and passes.
This was it. This was my solution to exterminate you from my heart.
And after this little bit of history he and I shared,
I told myself
THIS WAS THE LAST TIME I LET SOMEONE IN MY BARRIER.
A Year, after several encounters of the bedroom and continuous drinking, we graduated. We decided to move in to a dorm together, and a few friends agreed to apply at the same Collage we did. We stuck together.
And though I had slept with practically every girl in our clique and some of the guys after James, they all hid it from each other. Because every one of them wanted to be mine. But I couldn't do it.
Yes, I had forgotten you.
I couldn't remember your face or eyes or lips.
I didn't remember the unbearable pain I felt when you shattered my heart..i couldn't even recall my days after that. Yes, my transformation was soon to be complete. The only thing I couldn't forget was your name.
Saga Masamune.
It was okay though. It reminded me of why I survived. Why I had become so strong….and why…I was still miserable inside.
James got drunk not long after, and came home with an attitude. He was an annoying ass when he was drunk, but this time seemed to be worse than ever.
"What the fuck Ritsu!? Why don't you love me? Why don't you care for me? I love you. I love you so much, and you always fuck me over! So why!?" He stumbled to the fridge, pulling out more beer. Though I didn't care about him as my boyfriend or lover, I still loved him as a friend, so I took the liberty of blocking the entrance to the fridge.
"No more. You're already bitchy as hell. I don't wanna hear it. Go to bed." I was already irritated from earlier, when an ex girlfriend and told me she wanted me back and made a huge scene about it. But I stopped telling people about my sex and love life a long ass time ago. Even James.
"Ritsu! Get out of the way." James was slurring, and trying to push me out of the way. But I didn't move. It went on for a few minutes, before I tried to drag him to the bed. That was when it happened.
He hit me.
And me, being so shocked, fell to the ground from the impact, speechless. I cupped my cheek, denying that the person who claimed to love me just laid a hand on me. But reality came flooding through my mind, and all I could do was get back up, and punch him right back.
We repeatedly hit one another, fighting all throughout the room. He pulled my hair, and threw me against the wall. My body hurt.
My head hurt.
My injuries hurt.
But most of all,
My soul hurt. Because at the moment, that very moment he laid a hand on me, I thought to myself,
"Saga-Senpai would never hit me."
And I cracked. You came flooding back. Right on back. And I was powerless to stop it. I wasn't fighting James because HE hit me,
I was fighting James because YOU did. You hit me. With your presence. Your eyes. Your body. Your lips. Your hair. Your voice.
You were back. So I ran away, again.
After that, I left to another college, a private one at that. And lived out my days in studies, alcohol, sex and weed. Life was simple again. And I knew at that point, through every missed call from him and my friends, through every transfer and praise,
I was determined to move on with my life.
AND THAT I WOULD NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN.
Time passed, and I moved back to Tokyo. I got a job at my future publishing company, learned the ropes, took initiative. All was well. I quit my ways and moved on from those dreadful times. I changed my number, moved back to my home.
I was happy.
But then, I overheard the one thing I hated the most about me…
Riding daddy's cocktails.
I ran away again. Needless to say, I was angered at the damn remarks. The nerve they had. I could fire them on the spot if I wanted to. But being stubborn and a fucked up jaded guy, I resigned. I found myself at a new editing department and soon learned that I was mistakenly put in Manga editing instead of literature. And to top it all off,
There was you.
"That's all I'll tell you for now, I'm tired, It's 1 am." Ritsu yawned and snuggled into the blankets. Takano continued to hold him gently, but hadn't spoken in a while. Ritsu tried to ignore the silence, and pretend to be tired. But remembering it all, and telling it all, made it harder to drift away into a deep slumber.
Takano was silent for a long time. Ritsu figured he was asleep, (though he knew his lover wasn't). He turned to see Takano crying silent tears. Ritsu sat up in shock, and instantly pried.
"What's wrong!? You asked for the truth." Takano lay there, removing the tear stains from his cheeks. Ritsu waited,
And waited. And waited.
"Masamune?" Takano sat up from the comfort of the bed, and pulled Ritsu into a soft kiss.
"Ritsu. I'm so glad…." He voice trailed off into a quiet sound, "I'm so glad that you chose me."
How could I break all those promises?
"I'm so glad, that we met again…"
How could I let down my walls?
"I'm so happy Ritsu, that you confessed to me."
How could I swear that I would never fall in love again…
"I love you." Takano held Ritsu close to him, embracing him tightly. Ritsu twisted his arms around his lovers neck, giving him a deep kiss.
And I fell right back to you…
Call it fate….call it a dream, but whatever it may be…Takano Masamune is the one for me….