A/N: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight, its characters, and everything else. I merely own the laptop on which I wrote this. Thanks to Dark Absynthe for betaing. Days of the New owns the song from which I drew my inspiration for this fic.

"Dude, I really don't think this is a good idea." It certainly sounded like a good idea at the time. However, while watching Edward dig around in Bella's potted ferns desperately searching for her house key, I realized that this just might blow up in our faces.

"Seriously, Edward. We could get in a fuckton of trouble if we're caught. I think we should just quit while we're ahead," I begged in a harsh whisper. The sun had set hours ago and the last thing I needed was a nosy neighbor wondering what two guys were doing messing around with Bella's plants when she clearly wasn't home.

"Ahead? How are we ahead, Jasper? Bella got the last word and I am not about to leave it at that," he whispered back, digging his hands into the potting soil.

Edward, very recently, had a pretty bad argument with his now ex-girlfriend, Bella, which resulted in her sending him packing with the parting words, "My vibrator's a better lay."

You see, evidently, Bella wasn't all too satisfied with Edward's "performance" in bed. I mean, sitting back and looking at things, I could definitely see a problem getting it up for her, but I had a completely different set of difficulties when it came to that.

I'm gay.

To date, I've successfully kept that little bit of information under wraps. Not that I was ashamed, but I saw no need to complicate things. Really, at the moment, I've only ever truly been interested in one guy, and said object of interest was very much concerned with the fairer sex, and that would, of course, complicate things.

So, why was I helping my best friend get back at Bella for tearing his ego to shreds? Well, he's my best friend for one, duh. That should really go without saying. My secondary line of thought was how I couldn't understand why she felt she wasn't getting the hottest piece of ass on the planet. Edward just exuded sex from every fucking pore and, while that drove me out of my God damn mind, it pissed me off even more to see that Bella didn't appreciate that.

"Seriously, man. This is breaking and entering or something. We are so fucked if she goes running to Daddy saying that we broke into her house." My stomach was in knots at this point. I wanted to back out in the worst fucking way.

"Jazz," he said, while digging in another fern, "it's not breaking and entering when you have a key. And really, do you truly believe she will go to the Chief of Police telling him that we broke into her house and stole her vibrator?"

Good point.

Suddenly, I heard Edward whisper/shout, "Score!" as he held up a grubby, gold key; his hands and wrists coated in top soil.

And so began Operation Box Block. We were gonna pilfer her prized toy.

Someone shoot me for thinking this was a good idea.

Edward thrust the key into the lock and with a flick of his wrist, open Sesame.

After we slipped into the house, I quickly shut the door behind me and locked it. Edward whipped around after hearing the click of the deadbolt and asked, "Why did you feel the need to lock us in Bella's house, man?" I simply shrugged, not entirely sure why I locked the door.

"'K, dude…bedroom's this way," Edward said as I followed him through the foyer and past the living room. We avoided turning on any lights to illuminate our path; it would just be that much harder to cover our tracks on the way out.

As I walked through the bedroom doorway, I fingered the beaded curtain that was pulled off to the side in lieu of a door. Bella was a beatnik of sorts. It seemed as though her entire house was decorated a la Grateful Dead. Everywhere you turned, there were beads, tie-dyed somethings, incense holders with burnt remains of fragrant incense, and shit I couldn't even identify.

Edward was already furiously opening and closing drawers, frantically looking for the vibrator and I simply stood there with my hand in my hair, wondering how wise it would be for me to be spreading my fingerprints around Bella's bedroom.

"Jazz, don't just stand there! Help me! The sooner we find this thing, the sooner we can be outta here," he said, dropping to his belly to start looking under the bed.

I left the bedroom, wandering back into the living room. Not that I thought I'd be of any help in here, but I could only take so much of seeing Edward on the floor with his ass slightly in the air. That would only serve to complicate things.

I stopped at a rattan end table positioned at the end of a putrescent green colored couch and picked up a book that leaned up against the lamp to check out the title.

Beatnik reads the fucking Bible?

I set it back against the lamp and wiped my hand on my jeans. Not that I felt the Bible was dirty, but the sheer thought of holding it made my palms sweat.

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. It has been an eternity, or never, really, since my last Confession. I've been having impure thoughts about taking my best friend on the floor of his ex-girlfriend's bedroom and I can't promise it won't happen again.

Making my way to the other end of the living room, I began to take in the framed photos that decorated the wall and my eyes settled on one in particular. It was black and white, and the subjects were Bella and Edward taken by Bella in front of a mirror. Her dark hair was pulled back into a ponytail, exposing her neck and her eyes were locked in fervent concentration with her head tilted to peer through the view finder. Edward stood behind Bella with his arms wrapped around her, pressing his lips to the skin of her neck. The gentle kiss accentuated the sharp line of his jaw, a jaw that was sprinkled with a five o' clock shadow. His hair appeared as though his hands had an epic battle in the middle of it, skewing off in all directions, several locks hanging in front of his closed eyes, an almost stark contrast to the thick, lush dark lashes that framed them.

Fuck, he's beautiful.

Completely lost in my reverie, I nearly missed hearing the key working in the front door.

Shit!

I sprinted back towards the bedroom and collided with Edward in the doorway.

In a hushed, frantic whisper, I said, "Bella's home. We've gotta fucking hide!"

Edward's hands immediately went to his hair as he began to bounce on the balls of his feet, slipping into panic mode.

I heard a muttered, "Fuck!" come from Bella on the other side of the door, followed by the sound of her flip-flops retreating back down the walkway.

Grabbing me by the arm, Edward yanked me towards the living room. "We can probably make it to the back door through the kitchen before she gets back," he muttered. The words were no sooner out of his mouth when Bella was again, at the door, working her key in the lock.

We're so fucking dead.

I looked behind us at the coat closet, and slid the slotted door open and pulled Edward inside with me.

Well, at least I thought it was a coat closet. Apparently it was a closet where Beatnik Bella stored all her junk. There wasn't even a bar to hang coats on. Glancing around, I tried to make sense of my surroundings in vain. Soft light from the foyer spilled through the wooden slats of the door, but it wasn't sufficient to illuminate the objects we were now pressed against. There was barely room in here for us to breathe, let alone move.

Who was it that decided that this evening was gonna be "Edward and Jasper's Fucktarded Idea Night?"

"Good fucking plan, Jasper. Now what?" Edward hissed.

Fuck if I know.

My back was against the wall and I could just see through the slats of the door over Edward's shoulder as Bella finally entered the house.

Edward, with his back to the door, hitched in a breath as he realized that Bella was now right behind him. Reflexively, I covered his mouth with my hand, leaving him to breathe heavily through his nose and I could barely make out the panic in his eyes as I brought a finger up to my lips indicating for him to shut the fuck up. He nodded, showing me that he understood and I strained to see through the slats as Bella drifted through the living room, dropping her ghastly hippie wrap, her purse, and keys on various pieces of furniture behind her as she made her way towards, presumably, her bedroom.

"I think she went to her bedroom," I whispered.

Edward adjusted his body against me, trying to turn around.

"What are you doing?" I hissed, when I wanted to groan.

"I'm gonna try to get out. If she left the room, we can make a break for the door," he whispered.

No!

"You know damn well she'll probably be right back in here for something…" my whisper was cut off by Bella returning to the living room to plop on the couch with a sigh.

Fuck the world. Sometimes I hate being right.

So here I was, shoved in a closet with my best friend – who I just happened to be more than a little attracted to – watching Bella on the couch. Doing nothing.

I could see the panic in Edward's eyes as he mouthed the words, "What is she doing?"

"Nothing," I mouthed back. To this Edward rolled his eyes. I could relate. As much as I would normally enjoy being this close to Edward, being here under these circumstances, and that pesky little thing about him being straight, were really starting to piss me off.

Why the hell did I agree to this shit?

After several more moments of fucking nothing, Bella finally stands up. Does she go to leave the room? No. She goes to the stereo. I was not in the mood for whatever hippie bullshit she was about to lay on us.

Imagine my surprise to hear "Touch, Peel, and Stand" drifting through the speakers.

Imagine my even greater surprise to feel Edward's body shaking in what appeared to be a silent chuckle.

Since the music was turned up a bit, I took a chance to whisper to Edward. "What's so fucking funny?"

"She's thinking about me," he whispered back.

"Days of the New says that how, exactly?"

"Every time I played this song for her, it turned her on like nobody's business," he whispered, chuckling again.

Edward and I both play guitar, it's one of the things that brought us together as friends when we met in middle school. I have never heard him play this particular song, though and just imagining him playing, and his gritty voice singing this song…fuck. It started to turn me on a little.

I heard another chuckle from Edward. This time I just sighed and raised an eyebrow at him. What now?

"Dude, you're hard."

Oh fuck. Kill me now. Please.

"Close quarters, Bella's dancing like a gypsy, can't help it, man, I'm sorry." He didn't have to know that Beatnik's dancing wasn't doing anything for me.

"Don't worry about it. I just wish I could turn around,"

Believe me. I wish you could, too.

So, what did he do? He shifted his body again, somehow thinking he can turn around.

And holy hell. I'm not the only one with a problem.

"Shut it, Jazz. Don't you say a word."

I swallowed hard and tried my damndest to keep my eyes from rolling in the back of my head.

"Wasn't about to," I lied.

I wasn't even paying attention to what song came on next because Bella went back to the couch, and picked up the fucking Bible.

"When did Bella get religion, Edward?" This had to be a new development. Here I was thinking that she had it on her end table for decoration and she just now picked it up like she was actually gonna read it.

"I wasn't aware that she did," he whispered.

"Well she's about to read the Bible so apparently she did." Peculiar.

Turning around, she leaned against the arm of the couch, with her back to us, getting cozy before opening the Good Book.

Holy fucking shit.

"Um, Edward?" I asked.

"What?"

"I found her vibrator." Holy. Fucking. Shit.

Edward eyebrows knitted together in confusion.

"She hides her vibrator in the fucking Bible."

"No way, man. No fucking way!"

Her positioning obstructed my view from what she was actually doing, but when she discarded the Bible and hiked up her skirt, it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out where that thing was heading. I couldn't hear the buzz of the vibrator over the music, but I could definitely make out her soft whimpers and moans as her toy apparently did its job.

"Fucking Christ," Edward groaned before dropping his forehead to my shoulder.

Fucking Christ, indeed. The last thing I needed was another part of Edward touching me. As it was, our bodies were pressed flush against each other. Of course, what Bella was doing on the couch didn't affect me at all, however, feeling Edward's arousal pressed against mine, and the feel of his hot breaths on my shoulder caused me to grow even harder.

How did I get myself into this mess?

And then Bella had to open her fucking mouth.

"Edward," she moaned.

"Shit!" Edward whimpered and bit down on my shoulder.

I know he did it to muffle the groan that followed, but for a split second, my erection did a little happy dance because Edward's mouth was on me.

"Oh God, I'm sorry. It's just…she's thinking of me while she's….fuck!" he hissed against my shoulder.

I shook my head to indicate that he shouldn't worry about it. At this point, I was afraid to open my mouth and make a complete ass out of myself.

Bella was a pretty vocal gal, apparently. Why wouldn't she shut the fuck up? Didn't she know what she was doing to Edward and, as a result doing to me? Of course she didn't; otherwise we wouldn't still be in the closet. We'd be sitting in a cell with her Daddy tapping the bars menacingly with his service revolver.

"Jasper, I'm dying here."

"Tune her out, man. Try not to think about it."

Please, for the love of everything holy!

"Christ, I can't. The only way I can get rid of this thing is to use it, and that's kind of impossible right now." I can barely hear his whisper but I could tell he was in his own little hell at the moment.

I was right there with him.

Shit, Bella was enjoying herself. From my vantage point, I could see that she hiked one leg up onto the back of the couch and I was able to see the flurry of movement of her arm as she furiously worked herself with the toy.

"Ung…Edward, please!" Bella squealed.

"Fuck, Jazz…I can't take her begging…" he groaned before pressing into me, inadvertently grinding his erection into mine.

That did me in.

Almost unconsciously, I ground my hips into his and couldn't help the soft moan that fell from my lips. I swallowed hard a couple of times, trying to catch my breath as I realized that Edward couldn't catch his.

Looking into his eyes I was prepared to see revulsion and shock, but I was fucking floored to see his eyes alight with mischief and the trademark smirk he wore when he was up to no good.

"You know what, Jazz? I think you're on to something."

Excuse me?

Before I could fucking blink, Edward ground into me again, this time with purpose.

The air left my lungs in a gush and Edward let out a shuddering breath as his head fell to my shoulder again. I knew he thought my state of arousal just had to do with the show Bella was putting on and, this alone, was the one thing that kept me from grabbing him by the hips and showing him that it was all his fault.

Right now, my hands were twitching by my sides as Edward's were pressed against the wall behind me on either side of my waist. As his breaths turned to ragged pants, I felt his hands shift against the wall and work their way closer toward my body.

No way. No fucking way.

"I'm sorry…don't be mad at me…I..I can't help it," he whispered in my ear.

I couldn't say anything in response and thought my heart would stop when his hands settled on my hips. Instead of stopping, it sped up as I pressed harder against him.

"Jesus, Jasper…seems you need this as much as I do," Edward gasped.

You have no fucking clue.

Off in some distant land I could hear Bella swiftly approaching her climax as her cries grew more insistant. And, of course, as the intensity and volume of her vocalizations increased, so did Edward's. Soft, restrained moans and whimpers bathed my ear and he actually began to rhythmically grind his hips against me.

And I was all too fucking happy to let him continue, and to press my hips back against him in response.

Before long, Edward wasn't just pressing against me, but tilting his hips to repeatedly slide himself up and down the length of my cock. My brain sent the words, "Oh, fuck" to my vocal chords, but what actually emerged on a gasp was, "Ho fuuuu," as I began to meet every shallow thrust of his hips.

This may have been a means to an end for him, but I was in fucking heaven. And just when I thought this was as good as it was gonna get, Edward gripped one of my thighs in his hand and hiked my leg up on his hip, holding it there as he adjusted the angle of his thrusts.

Holy Christ!

"Jasper," he panted, "please tell me this is okay."

I could only rapidly nod in response and bury my face in his neck.

"I know. This is so fucked up, isn't it?" he chuckled.

Indeed.

Fucked up as it was, it didn't stop him. In fact, his rhythm began to pick up and he began to thrust against me just a little bit harder.

All too soon, I felt the familiar tightening in my balls signaling an orgasm and I just knew that I was about to embarrass the fuck out of myself just before Edward turned his head slightly to whimper in my ear, "Christ, Jasper…I'm fucking coming,"

At the sound of pitiful desperation in his voice, I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and increased the force of my bucking hips in an effort to spur him on. That would have been sufficient had I not let my control slip the smallest amount by brushing my lips against the skin of his shoulder left uncovered by the collar of his t-shirt.

Edward suddenly stiffened against me, causing my stomach to do a somersault at the thought that I not only just outed myself, but weirded him the fuck out in the process.

I held my breath as Edward struggled to catch his after he pulled back to look me in the eye. Before I could even apologize, his lips were on mine.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

I was too shocked to do anything. Edward was kissing me! Holy hell!

"Jasper," he sighed against my lips. As much as I fought it, I could not hold back my resultant whimper as I took his bottom lip between my own and gently sucked.

Edward resumed thrusting his cock against me and gripped my thigh even harder in his hand as I continued to kiss him. All the while, I worked like a mad man to burn this memory into my brain because I just knew that something like this would never happen again.

Seconds later the fire in my loins began to grow again and I felt Edward's thrusts falter slightly and I realized that, once again, he was just as close as I was.

While our own little drama unfolded in the closet, Bella's cries were abbreviated and choked as she ascended toward her climax. I couldn't care less. The closet could have been invaded by a clan of militant smurfs and I would have paid them no mind.

"Fuck!" Bella squealed.

Not three seconds later, I found myself nearly slamming my hips into Edward. If he hadn't been even more forceful than I was, he would have been shoved right out the closet door and on his ass. And if it weren't for the fact that our mouths were otherwise occupied, Bella certainly would have heard our cries of release.

I'd never experienced an orgasm so fanfuckingtastic and all I wanted to do was just collapse into a puddle of post-climactic bliss and hold Edward until someone solved world hunger and figured out the reason behind America's fascination with Paris Hilton.

Even though he was in shadows, it wasn't hard to see the undeniable visage of contentment. I helped put it there.

Christ, I wanted to be the one to keep that look permanently plastered on his face. His half-lidded eyes; the lazy, satisfied smirk. So fucking beautiful.

Sadly, for me anyway, that would never be the case.

Edward let go of my leg before wrapping both of his arms around my waist as we clung to each other for several moments, trying to regain our senses.

Still struggling to breathe properly, I looked through the slats of the closet door and saw that Bella was no longer in the living room. I strained to listen for sounds of movement and detected the faint sound of water running. Edward cocked his head to the side, presumably trying to listen out like I was.

It turned out the running water was our salvation. Bella was taking a shower which now gave us the opportunity to make a break for it.

It also gave us the opportunity to laugh at her goofy ass as she burst into song.

"Rain drops keep falling on my head….and just like the man whose feet are too big for his bed…" Her voice cracked on the last note and it was all we could do to not break out in a fit of hysterics.

Edward reached behind him to slide open the door and we tumbled out of the closet, practically falling to the floor. Tripping and stumbling, we raced for the front door and let ourselves out before breaking out in a sprint down the sidewalk back to our apartment.

We didn't stop running until we made it up the stairs to the door. Instead of immediately letting ourselves in, we both plopped down on the welcome mat. After our heart rates and breathing finally evened out, Edward threw his head back and laughed.

"Holy shit that was close. I was certain we were caught," he said, chuckling.

I snickered in response. Truthfully, I forgot up until now that we originally had a mission to confiscate Bella's vibrator. I still couldn't wrap my head around what happened in her coat closet.

"Jazz, you okay, man?" Edward asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I answered, dragging a hand down my face.

"Are we cool? You know, after the closet thing? I don't know what came over me….I didn't mean it…" he stammered.

I couldn't bear to hear him continue. I knew he didn't mean it. That didn't mean I wanted to hear him say it out loud.

"We're cool. Don't worry about it," I assured him, shaking my head.

"Thank God. Seriously, I didn't wanna fuck things up for us by making you think I was gay or something. I just got carried away."

"Dude, I said we're cool, okay? Let's just drop it." Please.

He nodded his head before leaning back against the door.

"I can't believe Bella was thinking of me. You gotta help me get her back, man. I'm not about to let that shit slide," Edward said, looking at me out of the corner of his eye.

With a sigh, I reluctantly agreed. "Sure, man. Whatever you say." I was still coming down from my high over the insanely wonderful physical contact I shared with Edward, so the last thing I wanted to think about was helping him get back with Bella. The funny thing about that is that not even an hour ago, I was helping him get back at her.

"You see? Jasper? That's why I fucking love you," he said before draping an arm over my shoulder.

I chuckled mirthlessly. "Do me a favor, Edward. Love me less."

A/N Video for the Touch, Peel, and Stand by Days of the New can be found on my profile. Thanks for reading!