FINAL CAMEO
Disclaimer: I own a relatively small amount of characters in this fan-fic, simply because it's a fan-fic. I do own: Chaz, Monkey, Ninja Steve, and Dr. Geo. There's a lot of cursing, because I have an affinity for cursing, and there's reference to a lot of other adult material. Enjoy.
Chapter One: Dicking Around
[The scene opens in the AVALANCHE hangout. Barret and Tifa are playing cards. Cid is having a drinking contest with Red XIII, Cait Sith, and Yuffie. Vincent is sitting around talking with Sephiroth, who was mysteriously resurrected in a mysterious ressurection ceremony.]
Barret: Ha! Full House!
Tifa: Ha! Fuller House!
Barret: What the fuck!?
[Barret leans over and inspects Tifa's cards. She does indeed have a Fuller House, though nobody knows exactly what that is. Barret throws down his hand and grumbles as Tifa shuffles the deck again.]
Cid: Ahahahaha! I win... *hic* I win again...
Yuffie: Shut... shut up you fucker before... before I hit you...
[Yuffie falls off of her stool. Vincent is looking at Sephiroth intensely.]
Vincent: ... aren't you fucking dead?
Sephiroth: Yeah.... No.... well, maybe. I don't know. I'm just here. Stop discriminating.
Vincent: Why didn't you bring Aeris back?
Sephiroth: I didn't feel like it.
Vincent: ... fucker.
Sephiroth: Hey, lay off! It was the Mako, alright!?
[Cloud comes out of the bathroom noisily and lays a magazine on the counter. It becomes dead silent as everyone turns to look at Cloud. Cloud arches an eyebrow, then angrily snatches up the mag.]
Cloud: It was Game Informer!!!
[He tosses it down for everyone to see, and it is, indeed, Game Informer. Yuffie looks up at Cloud.]
Yuffie: You get off to... to Game Informer?
Cloud: Go jump in a river.
Yuffie: Been... *hic* been there, done that...
Cloud: [mumbling] Yeah, but you didn't fucking drown...
[Cloud sits down with Barret and Tifa and Tifa deals him a hand. At this time, a ninja walks into the room, banging the door loudly. Nobody pays attention to the ninja, possibly because he's mastered the art of the invisible.]
Ninja: Hey, guys... I got something to tell you.
[The ninja is ignored.]
Ninja: Hey... whoohoo, over here! I got some information!
[Once again, nobody replies, or even reacts.]
Ninja: HEY, FUCKERS!
[This turns Cid's head, who glares at the ninja. It seems like Cid is currently the only one who can see the ninja, although the ninja is in plain sight.]
Cid: What the fuck do you want?
Ninja: The Turks. They're around.
Cid: Hey, didn't we destroy Shinra?
Ninja: ... no.
Cid: Well, what about that Meteor thing?
Ninja: You were watching Armaggedon.
Cid: Oh yeah... that night I decided I was doing heroin... heroin's great.
Ninja: ... yeah... well, the President has his Shinra goons all over the city, and they're looking for... um... him.
[The ninja points at Cloud, who whoops in victory at having won in poker.]
Cid: Really... well, I'll be sure to tell him.
Ninja: Thanks. Tell him he's a fucker, too.
Cid: Will do.
[The ninja calmly strolls out of 7th Heaven. Cid walks over and taps Cloud on the shoulder.]
Cid: Hey, Cloud. You're a fucker.
Cloud: What? Well, you're an asshole.
Cid: A ninja said the Turks are out looking for you.
Cloud: Mindfucked bastard.
Cid: You wanna go kick their asses?
Cloud: No, you brainless dickhead, I don't want to kick the Turks' asses.
Cid: Well, they'll just come in here and trash the place.
Cloud: Whatever, needledick. Don't bother me.
[Cid shrugs and walks back over to the bar. Vincent gets up and walks upstairs. Sephiroth looks around cautiously, then runs over, grabs Cloud's Game Informer, and dashes into the bathroom. Then, the screen fades to black and the inn music plays. When the screen fades in again, it's morning. Cloud is sprawled out on the floor and Yuffie is sleeping on the bar. Cid is sitting in a chair, smoking and reading a newspaper. Red XIII is prowling around, looking at things. Vincent comes down the stairs scratching his ass and yawning.]
Vincent: Hey... what the hell did Cloud do?
Cid: Nobody.
Vincent: ... what?
Cid: Cloud didn't fucking do anybody.
Vincent: ... you're retarted.
[Vincent shoves Yuffie off the bar and pours himself some milk. He drinks the milk quickly, then pours some more. After drinking that, he wipes off the milk mustache, pulls up a chair, and goes back to sleep. A loud crash comes from above as Sephiroth crashes through the ceiling and hits the floor. Tifa looks down through the hole triumphantly.]
Sephiroth: Ow... oh fuck... my back...
[Cloud wakes up with a start. He scratches his straggly hair and gets up. As if on cue, the door opens and three men in suits walk in. A small kid scurries in with a boom box. He presses play and the Turk music begins. Cid looks up, then his jaw drops and he points at the lead Turk.]
Cid: It's... it's... it's...
[The rest of the people miraculously show up (or wake up) just in time to join Cid in his pointing and stuttering.]
All: It's... it's... IT'SA MARIO!
Mario: Yaes! It'sa Mario! Now-a you-a fuckers a gonna die!
[The Turks pull out guns and start firing. Barret recovers his senses in time to fire back. One of the Turks goes down, but Mario and the other one dart out of the bar. Barret, Cloud, Cid, and Vincent follow. Unfortunately, Mario and the Turk are mounted—Mario upon Yoshi—and a blue Megaman is standing in their way. Mario and the other Turk retreat, leaving Megaman to fight AVALANCHE.]
Cid: Out of the way, fuckstick!
Megaman: Never... Destroy...
Barret: You weren't so mindless on the video game!!
Megaman: So... fucking... what?
[Megaman fires at the four and they scatter. They circle Megaman. Barret and Vincent stay at a distance, firing on Megman. Cloud leaps in to cut Megaman, but Megaman dodges. Cid then stabs at Megaman, but Megaman grabs his arm and rips it off.]
Cid: HOLY FUCK! AHHH!! MY FUCKING ARM!
[Megaman puts Cid's arm in the blaster and begins to twich unnaturally. Barret and Vincent stop shooting. Megaman tilts his head back and...]
Megaman: YOU FUCKING BASTARDS! I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE HOW RETARTED YOU FUCKERS ARE! YOU ASSHOLE'S CAN'T EVEN DO ANY SHIT RIGHT! I'M GONNA FUCKING SHIT ON YOUR FACES AFTER I KILL YOU! BASTARDS! FUCKSTICKS!!!
[During Megaman's rant, Vincent has snuck up on Megaman. He puts his gun to Megaman's head.]
Vincent: Headshot!
[Vincent blows Megaman's head off. Barret snarls.]
Barret: Enough dicking around! Let's go get Shinra!
Cloud: Wait... don't we have to do some big adventure first? You know... otherwise then it's anti-climactic.
Vincent: He's right.
Barret: Well... what do you suppose we do?
Cid: Let's score.
Sephiroth: [running outside] You guys are gonna score? Count me in!
Cid: No, dude... let's score some heroin.
Barret: Fuck you, Cid.
Cid: Fine... I'm going to score some heroin.
[Cid walks off.]
Barret: Let's... um... well... I'm afraid to ask this, but Sephiroth?
Sephiroth: Let's score some chicks.
Barret: You see? Damn asshole.
Cloud: You're carrying Cid's weight in cursing.
Barret: It's not my fault. The author decided to have Cid be a heroin-shooting pussy, so I had to curse for him.
Vincent: We'd better discuss this with the rest of the gang.
Barret/Cloud/Sephiroth: Gang?
Vincent: ... you know what I mean.
[Vincent, Barret, Cloud, and Sephiroth walk inside. Cait Sith, Yuffie, Tifa, and Red XIII are all around. They look up at Barret as he stomps to the forefront.]
Barret: Hey! As you know, Shinra just tried to fuck us up.
[Yuffie raises her hand.]
Barret: What?
Yuffie: The pink or the stink?
Barret: ...
Cloud: Both. At the same time.
Yuffie: Wow...
Barret: Finished?
Yuffie: Yep.
Barret: Alright. Now, Cloud says that we can't just go fight Shinra head on, we gotta do a big adventure first. We haven't gotten any ideas. Anybody else got one?
[Red XIII stands on his hind legs and raises a paw.]
Barret: Got an idea?
Red XIII: Yeah.
Barret: What is it?
Red XIII: Let's... score some chicks.
Sephiroth: My man!
[Sephiroth walks up to slap Red XIII's paw, but Red backs away.]
Red XIII: Don't touch me, faggot.
[Sephiroth hangs his head and walks over and takes a seat.]
Cait Sith: Why don't I just read our future?
Cloud: ... why not?
Cait Sith: Alright, then...
[Cait Sith does his little dance and produces a piece of paper. He holds it up and squints his eyes, then throws it on the ground and stomps it.]
Cait Sith: We gotta go get Aeris.
Tifa: No way... no fucking way...
Cloud: Yes!
[Tifa glares at him, and Cloud coughs into his hand.]
Cloud: Um... I mean... I guess we have to. It's our future and all...
Barret: Enough dicking around! Let's go!
Vincent: Would you please stop saying that...
Narrator: Will their expedition prove fruitless? Will Tifa bitchslap Cloud? Will Barret ever stop saying "Dicking around?" Will Sephiroth ever—AKKK!
Cartman: Hippie.
[End of Chapter 1]