Curing Ferbicidis
Author's Note: I fell in love with Phineas and Ferb this summer. I just...I just had to write something. So here it is. I wrote this on my i-pod sitting in a tree while the sun was out. :)
I don't own Phineas and Ferb.
Phineas lay in bed staring at the ceiling. The sun was just rising and casting a golden glow on the room. Any minute…any minute…any second…
BEEPBEEP-SLAM.
Phineas sat up, hand still on the alarm highlighting 7:00 am. "Beat the clock again!" He announced, looking over to his brother in excitement. "Ferb! I already know what we're going to do to..." His smile faded.
Ferb turned over to face Phineas, still curled up in his blankets. His skin was a horrible sickly pale and he had a pain-stricken expression on his face. He coughed softly and clutched his blanket tighter.
"Whoa, Ferb, you look worse than yesterday!" Phineas pulled himself to sit on the end of the bed and watched Ferb meekly squint open his eyes and push his covers away halfheartedly. He forced himself up into a sitting position and gave weak thumbs up.
Phineas gave a weak smile back. "And you're SURE you're okay to go along with the days plans?"
Ferb's eyes snapped open all the way and in a flash he was up, dressed, and tooth-brushed.
Phineas' smile broadened. It was amazing that his brother could remain quiet and stoic an entire day and still find ways to show such amazing enthusiasm. "Sweet! Let's go down and get breakfast!" The boy jumped off the bed and ran to the open doorway, Ferb in tow.
Without warning Phineas stopped in his tracks. "Hey, where's Pe-" BAM. Ferb ran right into him, throwing them both into a tumble through the doorway and into the hall.
Heads dazed, they sat up, rubbing their backs and bottoms and cringing sorely. With a chuckle, Phineas looked up at Ferb. "Geez, coordination still waking up, bro?" Ferb flashed an apologetic smirk.
As they got up and brushed themselves off the sick boy added with a sniff, "I'm beginning to think we should put on our helmets as soon as we wake up."
Perry felt bad about not getting up with the boys as he usually did, but Monogram had alerted him early for his daily assignment. He felt ashamed for feeling so relieved about it, but the last thing he wanted was to spend another second in a room with sick Ferb.
Remembering yesterday's events, the platypus stuck out a tongue and applied a mask. The poor boy had thrown up RIGHT next to his bed. Fortunately Linda had cleaned up, but Perry could still smell it. He had refused to sleep in his bed until he caught Ferb's guilty glances. He eventually held his breath and pretended to sleep in it for a whole twenty minutes, just to ease the boys' worries. What he did for family.
Donning his Fedora and fitting it snugly on his head, he snuck his way downstairs. He glanced around the corner into the kitchen to see the boys and Candace eating pancakes. Phineas was ecstatically explaining something about making bat wings to an amused Linda, who was handing Ferb a bowl of chicken noodle for him to eat. He set it down on the table in front of him with a small glint of disgust crossing his face, unseeable to an unfamiliar eye. Candace was picking at her food with her back hunched, apparently in a bad mood (as was usual when the boys talked of their inventions). Then Lawrence walked in and began talking about some kind of antique convention that day.
Perry smiled. He loved this family. He snuck into the living room and hopped up on to the couch. He pressed his webbed foot into the crease between cushions and the entire thing flipped, sending Perry into a chute. He held onto his hat tightly as he rocketed down, landing safely in his chair of the underground base. The screen flashed and Perry prepared for a crisp salute.
Monogram appeared on the screen, looking through a pile of papers intently. "Good morning, Agent P. Sorry for the early wake up, but Dr. Doofenshmir..." He looked up at Perry and raised an eyebrow. Or at least... Half of his brow. "Why are you wearing a mask again?" Perry realized he had forgotten about the mask. Flushed (or at least a deeper shade of blue), he ripped it off and put it aside.
Monogram smirked. "You really need to relax with the whole 'clean freak' thing. I mean come on, they're just germs." Perry glared and chattered. Off screen Carl chirped in, "I'm on your side, Agent P! You can't be too clean!"
"CARL!"
"I'm just saying sir!"
Perry rolled his eyes. He woke up early for this. Monogram cleared his throat in a fuss. "ANYWAY, Doofenshmirtz is making some kind of thingamajig, and you have to stop it. Good luck."
Perry saluted and made his way toward his hover jet before any more ridiculous shenanigans could transpire. The ceiling unfolded and he made his way into the sky. Flying over the Flynn-Fletcher house, he could already see Phineas and Ferb going through their book of blueprints.
"Bow chicka bow woww, that's what my baby says... Mow mow mow hm hm hmm hmm hm hm hmmmNORM! Hand me that screwdriver!"
"Sure, Dad! Glad to have this father-son bonding!"
"For the last time you lunkhead, I'm not your father! OH." Doofenshmirtz pulled himself out from under his latest Inator in thought. "Speaking of fatherly duties, I was supposed to pick up Vanessa today!" He pulled himself up and ran for the phone. "And Perry the Platypus is due any minute! Norm, finish the inator while I call Vanessa!"
Norm saluted with his usual grin. "You can count on me, Dad!"
Doofenshmirtz started dialing quickly, mumbling to himself, "Yeah, just like how you can trust ME to build you an icicle pop wife."
"What was that Dad?"
"I said I'm NOT YOUR FATHER."
Vanessa pulled out her headphones as the phone began to ring. Sighing, she ran to the charger and, preparing for what most likely will be a ridiculous conversation, picked up the phone. "Yeah, Dad?"
"Oh hi Vanessa! How did you know it was me?"
"I figured, considering you were supposed to be here an HOUR ago. Mom left for work pretty angry about it."
"Oh GREAT. I've just been so busy making my new Inator, and Perry the Platypus isn't even here yet, so it might be a little while before I pick you up!"
Vanessa rolled her eyes. "So what kind of Inator is it THIS time?"
Dr. D stopped writing his "UNPLUG SHRINKINATOR" note in surprise. "You're actually Interested in my evil invention?"
"Well not re-"
"FANTASTIC! I'll tell you all about it!"
Vanessa face palmed.
"Well you know how when you're talking to a group of people and-" Doofenshmirtz heard what sounded like wood splintering apart. "Oh, I think Perry the Platypus just broke down the door, I gotta go! I'll tell you all about it when I pick you up, okay? Gottagobye!"
Vanessa put the phone back on the charger and walked off to her room.
"Whatever."
Doofenshmirtz ran into the main room to see Perry in his entry action pose, looking a bit confused. "Oh there you are Perry the Platypus!" he said, skidding to a halt in front of him. The mammal relaxed his kung-fu preparedness pose, looking at Doofenshmirtz quizzically.
He looked up to see the edges of his sticky note poking into his peripheral vidion. "OH." He took it off and looked at it. "I really need to do that. Anyway Perry the Platypus, I'm really busy today, and Norm is still finishing up the Inator..."
"I was able to put the fire out all by myself, Dad!"
"I'm not your father! Anyway," he continued, ignoring the comment about the fire, "I'm just going to trap you and tell you my scheme as detailed as possible while he finishes up." Doofenshmirtz pulled a remote from His lab coat and pushed a button, sending a cage down from above and locking grumbling Perry inside, who could only think one thing; I should have stayed in bed.
Phineas peered over their blueprints they had laid around their spot against the tree. Ferb sat beside him, trying not to doze off completely.
As oblivious as he was, Phineas was well aware of his brother's act. He could read Ferb like an open book; one with words no longer than four letters and colorful illustrations on every other page. Unfortunately, he also knew that Ferb would continue this act for the rest of the day, no matter what. So he played along, cautiously watching his brother's health as the day wore on.
Right now, he was just trying to decide what project to do. They had already planned for the jungle safari adventure, but Phineas didn't think the sick boy could take all the work. He had hidden those specific blueprints underneath others. The two boys were supposed to be looking for it, but Phineas wasn't trying very hard.
With an over-the-top sigh that he hoped was more believable than he was thinking, Phineas shrugged and sat back against the tree. "Darn. Too bad we can't find it. I guess we'll have to do another project today." He looked over to Ferb, who was suddenly holding the safari blueprints with an expression that screamed, "Seriously?"
Phineas stared blank faced for a second before giving a weak smile. "Oh! You found it!" He stared a couple more seconds before giving a thumbs up. "...Great!"
Ferb rolled his eyes. "You're a terrible liar, Phineas."
"What? I wasn't-"
"You scratch your ear when you lie."
Phineas looked over at his hand, realizing he had been picking at his ear the entire time. "Oh." he said. Apparently Ferb knew him as well as he knew Ferb.
Doofenshmirtz was already pacing when he began his emotionally-scarring back story.
"You see, Perry the Platypus, back in Gimmulshtump, my parents would throw yearly parties in which I was FORCED to talk to large groups of Fancy-shmancy people. But whenever I told a story, my HORRIBLE brother would always make offhand comments that would make the whole crowd of people laugh! But I didn't know what he said, and whenever I asked him what he said, he would say, 'Oh don't worry about it, it was nothing'." He said his brothers part in a high pitched girly voice, which Perry found made absolutely no sense.
"But it wasn't nothing! I mean he said SOMETHING, I didn't know if he was even making fun of me or not! I mean if someone's going to make fun of you, at least make it APPARENT to the person you're making fun of so they know whether to vow revenge on you or not!" Perry wanted to face palm so hard. "And it wasn't just Roger! Everywhere I go, whenever I'm talking to people, SOMEONE has to make a comment that I can't make out and everyone LAUGHS, and no matter what they won't tell me what they said, it's maddening!"
At this point Norm stood up from working on the machine looming behind Doof. "I'm all done, Dad!"
Doofenshmirtz twirled around in surprise. "Wow, right on time Norm!" he turned back to Perry, who was feeling a bit cautious about an Inator that was made by Norm. "Behold, Perry the Platypus! The Spit-it-out-inator!"
Perry rolled his eyes at the name. Doofenshmirtz crossed his arms. "What? I think it's a great name!" He walked over and scooted it out to the deck, explaining, "With this, I can make ANYONE talk, whether they want to or not!" He stopped a second. "Well, I can if Norm built it right." He continued to make his way to the deck as Perry began thinking of a way to escape. Suddenly Doof stopped when the Inator was in place, gleefully squeeing, "Ooh! I gotta take a picture for my scrapbook!" He ran off, adding a quick, "And don't you try escaping Perry the Platypus!"
The platypus, however, was still trying to hold in laughter from thinking about Doof scrap booking.
Quickly he regained his demeanor and took out a small laser from under his hat. In seconds he had melted a doorway through the bars and was out. He looked over at the unguarded Inator. Even Norm seemed to have disappeared. Perry smirked. He could run over there and push it over the edge before Doof even got back. He started for a sprint toward the machine.
FLASH.
Perry's head swirled. He looked around quickly, his eyes readjusting. Doofenshmirtz was holding a camera, looking down at the screen in disgust. "Ugh, the contrast is ALL off. Here, lemme try again." He held the camera up. "Smile, Perry the Platypus!"
FLASH.
Perry's head spinned at a sickeningly fast speed. He wobbled. Before he knew it he was on his knees, holding on to the floor for dear life and seeing nothing but white.
Doofenshmirtz acted surprised. "Oh, how odd Perry the Platypus! That was a really bright flash... OH THAT'S RIGHT," he said, grinning deviantly, "This is my OTHER inator, the flash-inator! It does what the flash of a regular camera does to your head, only 50 TIMES WORSE." Perry's vision refused to return quick enough. All he could see was the doctor's feet. Perry chattered furiously. "That's right, I actually had ANOTHER plan to make sure my FIRST plan worked!" Doof raised his fists to the air in triumph. "Go me!"
Perry closed his eyes in uncomfort. The room was still spinning, but he had an idea of where the spit-it-out-inator was. Dipping his fedora in front of his eyes, he took a starting jump and sprint on all fours for what he hoped was the inator. Doof yelled behind him, flashing the camera nonstop. Perry kept his eyes closed and continued forward. He was starting to see bright red below his eyelids, but he continued forward.
Slam.
He had rammed headfirst into the Inator. And it was suddenly counting down. And Doof was still yelling. And as he felt his consciousness dissolving, he heard Heinz say in a distant voice...
"Wait, Norm. Did you say it was on FIRE?"
"Ferb, could you hand me the protractor?" Phineas held out his hand, still gazing over their blueprints. He wanted to make a few modifications to the design.
After a few seconds Ferb handed him something. Phineas looked at it.
"Ferb, this is a banana." Ferb looked up from his welding in surprise. He looked over to a smirky Phineas. "And you were supposed to have eaten it an hour ago." He handed it back to Ferb, who took it guiltily. Phineas smiled and turned his back to Ferb to look at the blueprints.
Ferb took the opportunity to chuck the banana into the neighbors yard.
He was, in all truth, feeling horrible. He felt dizzy and spaced out. His body ached. He had to swallow his coughing (which is quite difficult), he felt like he was going to throw up, and he wasn't hungry in the slightest.
And he really, REALLY needed to sneeze. He was at the mid-point where his nose was burning but the sneeze wouldn't come. Desperately he looked toward the sky, looking for the sun.
Instead he found a green orb of fire hurtling toward their backyard.
He looked over to Phineas, who's back was still turned. Ferb knew he couldn't pull them both out of the way in time.
He jumped in front of Phineas.
The orb hit him square in the chest.