Scene 1

(at the Reed's house)

Mom places the pickle jar containing the penis gingerly on the dinner table

The entire family is at the dinner table

Dad: (eating soup) Whoopsie-doo, dropped my fork. (burrows under table)

Everyone hears slurping noises and growls coming from under the table.

DW: I thought Pal was at the taxidermies getting his stuffing fixed.
Arthur: He must be back!!

They look under the table and see Dad with his leg over his head trying to lick the stump of what used to be his manhood. Sadly, he is unable due to the effective cone surrounding his neck. (Like a dog)

Mom: David!! Stop, stop!! (takes out squirt bottle and squirts him) Bad David!! Very bad!!
Dad: (wimpers and wets the carpet)
Mom: Dammit David! I just got that cleaned from your LAST accident!!
Dad: (scurries on all fours out of the room)

DW: Wow

Arthur: (at the refrigerator stuffing his face with chocolate cake) (muffled) I miss Dad's choco-late cakes.
Mom: Where'd the hell you get that one?

Arthur: (random Cuban accent) I don't kooe.

Mom: DW, can you talk Dad for a walk? And make sure he relives himself fully this time!!
DW: (takes leash off hook, and mutters to herself) Fuck, this familys messed up.
Mom: Shit, dinners ruined, AGAIN. It's been this way even since it was removed. (rips plumbing fixture out of sink and throws it out of window in angry rage) Arthur, go do your Pimpling homework.

Arthur: But I don't wanna be a Pimp!! I wanna America's Next Top Model!!
Mom: The next person in this family who's gonna be a model is MEEEEEE
Arthur: (snickers)
Mom: SHUT UP!! (thrusts cane, hat and Pimp cup at Arthur) You'll be a pimp and you'll damn well like it!! Buster can be your practice!! Now (slaps Arthur's butt) go get 'em tiger!!

Arthur leaves the room with head held low and cane dragging on the ground.

Mom: (to disembodied penis) Now, where were we hot stuff?

Mom starts day-dreaming

Penis: (in Barry White voice) We were just getting started, baby.

Mom: (swoons)

DW: (bursts in through the door, thus effectively ending the day-dream) MOOOOOM!

Mom: (rubs temples while twitching) What it is DW?
DW: Dad got off his leash again

They hear barking as they both slowly turn around to see Dad outside, chasing his imagery tail

Mom: Guess he came back. (to herself) Damn
DW: Completely changing topics, I learned a great new joke!
Mom: Just tell me.
DW: Spell IHOP then say ness
Mom: (thinks for a minuet then gaps) That's not funny when it's true!!
DW: (cringes) That's it!! I quit!! (stamps foot) Me and my invisible friend and blowing this hell hole!! (jumps on motor bike) See ya later, suckers!!

Mom: (shrugs shoulders) This gives me a chance to make another one, right Penis?
Penis: (in Barry White voice) I'm way ahead of ya. (takes out dough)
Mom: (swoons again)

This story was dedicated to our dear friend Stuart, who had a problem similar to Dad's,
Remember Stuart, Hands on the Table!!