.:: Love Won't Let Me ::.

I always said I wouldn't stand in the way of your dreams
What good is the wind blowing in a blue sky to a bird without wings
I meant it when I said it I swear it but things change and I can't pretend
That I could somehow live without you no matter what I say

I just can't turn around walk away
Give it up without a fight love won't let me say goodbye
After all this time love won't let me

"Love Won't Let Me"

By Michael Jason Carol

A PROLOGUE

"Axel?" It was dark. That was the first thing that crossed my mind as consciousness came back to me. Why was it so dark? "Axel, did you hear me?" There's that noise again. It sounded so familiar, yet so painful. Is that my name? "Axel, come on. You're scaring me." As my eyes fluttered open I was immediately blinded by blaring lights and had to close them again. "Thank God. Axel, did you hear what I said?" Prepared this time I opened my eyes again, letting the darkness fall way. The first thing I saw was that blurry blond head and those unmistakable blue eyes. Recognition immediately came back to me as his face came into focus. I would know those beautiful blond spikes and adorable pouty lips anywhere.

"Yes Rox, I heard you. I think I heard you." I frowned, hoping I didn't hear him right. Hoping my world wasn't ending. "The mission?"

"Yeah. I'm going on a mission Axel." He held his hand out for mine to help me off the cold black and white tile floor of the kitchen. I couldn't help but notice how tiny his hand was in comparison to mine. He was going on a mission. He's too small to go on a mission. What is he thinking? "It's something I have to do. I feel I need to do it Axel. I hope you'll support me. You're okay with this, right?"

"Rox," I had to shake my head a little as I used his hand to sit up. It was such a stupid question for him to ask. In fact, the first question, even before this one, had been even worse. 'What would you say if I couldn't talk to you for a year and a half, except through letters?' How could you ask someone who depends on you so much, a question like that? "Of course I'm not okay with it Roxas. I'm…You're the thin string that keeps me tied to this world. You're my remaining grip on sanity. You are everything to me. And you're leaving me. To go on some stupid religious cult, work force, vacation? And you want me to be okay with this?"

"Axel, I've always accepted you, even with your complete lack of faith, and you promised not to put mine down. Please don't say those things. You're just mad right now." A frown tugged at Roxas' lips as he stood up and took a seat at the glass kitchen table again. It took me a moment to realize our conversation had started with us both sitting at the table. Somehow we had ended up on the ground. Or perhaps I just ended up there, and Roxas had no choice but to follow me. "This is something I need to do. God wants me to help his children."

"What about me?" I couldn't help the scowl that came to my face at how pitiful my voice sounded. To keep Roxas from seeing it I stood up and went to the refrigerator, pulling out a can of pop for myself and a bottle of water for him. Then I went back to the table and sat down.

"What about you Axel? You're a grown man. And you're one of my best friends. Friends support each other in their dreams." His hand reached out and took the bottle from me. But his eyes remained glued to my vivid green eyes, almost like they were connected by strings.

"And this is your dream? To go to Africa and catch some disease and die?" The scowl was back. Truthfully, I wasn't mad. I was just hurt that he would chose to leave me like this. I thought we were friends. I thought we had a good thing going. Sure, I was head over heels for him. But he didn't know that. And as long as he didn't, we had a good thing. We see each other every single day. And when we're away from each other, we're on the phone every day. I could only conclude that he was tired of dealing with me.

"It's…not necessarily a dream. But it is something I have to do. I know I have to do this Axel. It's important. And I'm not going to die." There was frustration and disappointment in his voice, and it sent a twinge of guilt to my soft spot. "I'm not going to Africa either."

"Where are you going then? Where are you going to be for a year and half that you won't be able to speak to one of your best friends?" I opened my pop can, unable to look at him anymore, and ran my finger around the rim to hide the shaking in my hands.

"San Jose, Costa Rica. I will get to use my Spanish skills." That smile I knew so well came back to his face as he spoke. In one of my quick glances up at him I noticed he wasn't looking at me either. He was tracing patterns on the table with one hand, and holding his bottle with the other. "I'll be giving at risk children and families hope through the word of God, Axel. These people live in cardboard and scrap metal. There are drugs, alcohol, prostitution and so many other problems surrounding them every day. But I'm going to be able to intervene. I'm going to meet all kinds of children, and get the word of God to them before the drugs can get to them. This is what God wants me to do. I don't intend to fail him."

He managed to glance up at the same moment as me and our eyes met once again. The strings were tighter than ever, holding each other in our sights. I could see this was something he wanted. And I knew I could not hold him back. Roxas was my best friend, my only friend to be honest, and I could not stop him from living his life. I'd only known him for two and a half years. I couldn't honestly believe my feelings would have any effect over his decisions. Those children need his help more than me. I had no doubt he'd forget about me after a while. He'd meet new friends, a girlfriend, or a boyfriend. He would have no reason to remember me or want to remember me. I had always known this day would come. It was time I accepted it. "Alright Roxas, I support you."

No one, absolutely no one, could smile as bright as Roxas. That smile could light the world brighter than the sun, I swear. "Really Axel? You mean it?"

"I'm not happy about it Roxas. The selfish person inside of me wants to grab you and beg you not to abandon me. Please don't leave me to suffer my life on my own. But, the part of me that cares for you, that part accepts your wishes. I won't stop you from living your life because I can't stand my own life. You should live how you want to, even if that means you won't be in my life anymore." As it was in my nature to keep my emotions hidden from the world, I stood up again, going to the sink to rinse out my still full can of pop, giving me a reason to hide the tears from Roxas.

"Thank you Axel. I knew you would understand. You won't be out of my life though. I'll write you, and you can write me. We'll be able to keep in touch. It's only a year and a half. And I'm not leaving for another six months. When I come back we'll continue everything just like it is now. I'll still come over every day. And you'll call me every night before we go to bed. We'll go to the mall on weekends, and you can bother me while I'm trying to pay attention to my work."

I heard the metal legs of the chair scratch against the tile floor as finished his speech. And my body immediately tensed as his footsteps came towards me. "Yeah, I'll write too, Roxas. But this experience could very well change you. Maybe, this thing you have with me, this friendship, maybe being surrounded by God fearing people will make you not want to be around a man who doesn't have God in his life."

"That's not true Axel. I will always be Roxas. I will always be me. I've always known about your lack of faith, and it does not bother me Axel. I accept you for who you are, and I will always want to be your friend. Always." His hand, that small hand that paled in comparison to the size of mine, found itself resting on my shoulder. I gave in and turned back to Roxas.

"I told you I support you Roxas. But every person I have ever put faith in has let me down. So I refuse to have hope, that you will remember me through this. When you leave, it'll be like you're walking out of my life. I won't be able to handle that Roxas. I'm already hurting. I can't…I can't live without you Roxas, but you're forcing me to do that." I shook my head, looking down at the floor as my red spikes moved about. I needed to add another coat of spray. Somehow, I couldn't find the energy to do it. My life was ending. My whole world was leaving me. And he has no idea how much it will affect me. "I support your decision, Roxas."

"It will all be okay. You'll see."