Nymphadora Tonks rolled over for the umpteenth time and sighed with ultimate frustration. Her brown eyes sought out the tall Grandfather clock against the wall: it was only seven minutes later than the last time she looked. She wasn't going to get a good night's sleep anytime soon. With a heavy sigh, she climbed off the red velvet couch. She ruffled up her mousy brown hair and stretched her arms high above her head as she yawned one last time. Padding over to the window, she looked out onto the street below and watched the swirling snow falling, and listened to the wind howling around the corner of the house. It was going to be a very cold Christmas.
Tonks smoothed out her rumpled blazer and flipped up the collar around her neck. She quietly parted the doors of the Study at number twelve Grimmauld Place and stepped out into the hallway. The house was, as usual, eerily quiet and nearly pitch black except for the soft, warm glow emanating from the interior of the house. Tonks pulled out her wand as her heart started beating a little faster, for she had relieved Kingsley Shacklebolt of duties not three hours ago, and Tonks understood she was the only one inside the old house.
Instinctively she crept along the corridor, wand aloft and ready for anything that might come her way. The strong, unmistakable aroma of coffee suddenly overwhelmed her senses. She rationalized that Death Eaters would probably not stop to make coffee before killing an Auror, and she lowered her alertness slightly.
Tonks continued on to the kitchen door, pausing outside to listen at the threshold: it was silent inside with the exception of the pop and crackle of the fire within the kitchen fireplace. Shifting her grip on her wand, and stealing her jaw, she pushed the door open and stepped inside.
Remus Lupin sat at the table, his head cast down at the coffee cup his hands were wrapped around. He did not look up as he spoke. "Sorry Kingsley, I didn't mean to wake you."
"It's Tonks, and you didn't wake me," she answered, swallowing with difficulty, hesitantly meeting Remus' eyes as his head snapped up to take in his visitor.
"I thought Kinsley had the midnight shift," Lupin replied in confusion.
"He did, but we switched shifts when he started working for the Muggle Ministry." Tonks slowly entered the kitchen, taking in Remus's appearance for the first time in two months. He was scratched, clawed, scarred, and more haggard looking than she remembered. "Oh Remus, you look awful."
Lupin's hands gingerly rubbed his face; he winced, closing his eyes tight with the pain. "Do I? I haven't looked at a mirror yet, but I feel awful." He could feel her eyes on him, and he instantly averted his gaze away from her when he took his hands away from his face. "So you and Kingsley changed shifts?"
"Yes, months ago don't change the subject Remus. Let me see your face," Tonks said, hurrying to sit diagonally across from him at the table.
Lupin brushed off her attempt at sympathy and concern. "It's all right, Tonks. I'll take a look at it when I get up, I'm too tired right now." He glanced up quickly, eyeing the wide-eyed expression on her face.
"Let me do it," She said, pointing her wand at his face. It was a statement, not a question. "Percuro," she whispered, watching the gashes on Lupin's face magically heal. She cast the spell several more times, paying careful attention to his face and hands.
"Thank you," Lupin replied quietly, feeling better and worse all at the same time; he shouldn't have let her heal him.
"Are there any more I should know about?" Tonks asked angrily.
"Just one, I'll take care of it later," came the reply, as Lupin just stared down at his cup of coffee once again.
"Remus, please-" Tonks pleaded, her dark eyes full of worry and anxiety.
He looked up, not surprised by the emotion she was emitting, but caught off guard by her frankness and the break in her resolve. They stared at each other for several tense seconds before Remus relented. He sighed quietly and carefully loosened the knot on his tie. He slipped his vest off his shoulders, moving as though every motion caused him immense ache and pain.
Tonks waited, her brow furrowed, and her lips slightly parted as Remus slowly unbuttoned the top few buttons of his shirt. A very large gash was revealed as he pulled the fabric aside. Tonks gave an audible gasp, as her mouth hung open in awe and tear filled her dark eyes. "Oh, Remus!"
"It's nothing," he replied nonchalantly. "I've had much worse. I'll be fine."
"Why are you doing this? Why did you let Dumbledore send you there?" Tonks demanded, casting the spell again, watching the wound knit itself closed. This cut would definitely leave a large scar over his heart.
"Tonks, you know why, it's important to the mission, otherwise I wouldn't be there. We've learned a great deal of information about Fen-"
"I don't care about him," Tonks spat, "Look at what he's done to you! It can't be easy facing that monster every bloody day. The tears that had threatened since she crossed the thresh hold of kitchen had finally crested over the edges of her eyes.
"Tonks," Remus began, "I'm one of them. I'm just as much a monster as he is-"
"No you aren't!" she rounded on him, pushing herself up from the table and glowering over him. "You're nothing like him. He's viscous and sick, and you, you're good and kind and beautiful. How could I love you if you were anything less."
They had arrived at the topic of discussion that they had 'successfully' managed to avoid for months. Remus knew the only reason they had steered clear of Tonks' feeling of affection was because he had been on a mission for the Order. Had he been stationed in London, he would have seen that Tonks had been here nearly every, asking Kingsley, Moody, Dumbledore, or anyone else visiting Headquarters, about Remus' welfare.
"Tonks, you know my view on that subject," he offered gently, rising from the table to retrieve the pot of coffee and fetch a cup for her as well.
"It's not a view, Remus, it's an emotion," she corrected him harshly. "Either you feel it, or you don't."
She was getting much more forceful in her advances and in her demands of an explanation as to why she was being refused by him.
"Tonks, that's beside the point." he rationalized. "I'm a dangerous man. I lead a dangerous life. I don't want to hurt you."
He returned to the table with the coffee, and snapped his wand at the creamer and sugar bowls, sitting on the countertop behind him. They floated toward the table and gently came to rest in front of Tonks, who sat staunch and sullen. Lupin set down a hot cup of coffee near her, careful to avoid getting too close. If she had any inclination that his resolve was breaking, she would be relentless.
"You're no more dangerous than I am! My job is full of dark magic and I hunt people down who want to kill, maim, or otherwise hurt other people. You're a bit dodgy a day or two a month, that's it- you're not a dangerous man, Remus. The only harm you're doing me is by avoiding me, and breaking my heart!"
Remus stared down at the knots in the wooden table, wondering what Sirius would be saying right now. Tonks was one of his favourite cousins, and a talented woman who made no qualms about her feelings for him. Sirius would have been all over Remus for hiding or acting too noble. He ran around with a werewolf once a month for almost two years without incident. Sirius would have advised him to take a chance on a good-looking bird, and be happy. (Knowing Sirius as Remus did, he thought Sirius would have been much too forward with a girl and had long since passed this point in their relationship.)
Tonks leaned back in her chair and sulked, leaving her coffee untouched. "I'm willing to take your silly risks," she began indignantly. "Don't you trust me? I'm a trained Auror for Merlin's sake. I'm not stupid, Remus. I'd never interfere in your transformations."
"I'm too old then," Remus countered, looking for any excuse to keep her away. "You're young, you deserve someone who's nearer in age to you, someone with your energy, someone who's at the same place in his life."
Tonks growled. "Age is nothing! You're grasping at straws! We're both adults. I don't want some immature bloke; I've dated enough of those guys to last a lifetime. They're stupid, immature, and treat me badly. Is that what you want for me? Those are the gits I see in the pub at night. I don't want a younger man, I want you. I'm in love with you, not someone else."
"I can't let myself do this, Tonks."
She looked away and wiped a solitary tear off her cheek. It felt as though a million miles separated her and Remus from across the table. "I showed up here every day to check in on you. No one would tell me any news- nothing. I didn't know if you were alive or dead, and it was killing me. I'm so pissed at Dumbledore for doing this to you; I harass him every bloody chance I get. I'm so tired of this war already, and it's barely started. It's tearing people apart. I spend every night drowning my sorrows in the Hog's Head- anything to get the fighting, and you out of my head." Tonks wove her hands deep into her hair and pulled it tight. "I've had every chance to move on. I've met all kinds of blokes there who wanted to take me home, and do you know what I did? I flashed my Auror's badge and told them I was in love with a werewolf. If they still didn't leave me alone, I hexed them and threw them out on the street." She paused, looking pointedly at Remus to gauge his reaction; she hoped he was burning with jealousy.
"We can't do this, Tonks," he reiterated. "We were friends for a couple of years, and we got along just fine." Remus suggested placidly, trying to stave off her affections just a short while longer, just until he could get through the holiday and get back to his mission. The thought of random men wanting to carry on with her was nauseating and he felt a wave of resentment hit him- an emotion he hadn't felt in years. He steeled his emotions; it was difficult to control the outward signs of his jealousy.
"It's not good enough anymore, Remus. I don't want to be 'just friends.' I want more, and I won't quit. We can't be just friends while I feel this way, and I don't see myself falling out of love with you in the foreseeable future. We were there for each other during some of the worst times of our lives. Sirius and I were just beginning to become family again, and you had a best friend again, and then Sirius was taken from us. So am I to forget that comfort we gave each other? Am I to forget that we supported each other and that we almost become something else? Can you forget that? Can you honestly forget?"
Remus tented his fingers and arched them over the bridge of his nose. She was right. They had been very close indeed to becoming something else. He paused momentarily to recall those few weeks after Sirius' death; all the laughs, tears, and embraces they shared. If he closed his eyes, he could still taste the first kiss they shared last summer. "No, Tonks, I can't forget, I'm so thankful, but you deserve a better man than me."
Tonks pounded her fists on the table. "I've told you I don't care. I don't care what people say, I don't care if you think you're dangerous, I don't care if you're older than me. Look at me- does it look like I care what people think? I want you, and only you, and I won't change my mind. I can't."
Though he could see the tears clinging to her eye, a part of him was flattered. She wasn't backing down, and over the course of their separation her feelings hadn't lessened; they intensified. He knew he was hurting the woman in front of him; it was plainly obvious. All colour had drained from her appearance and her personality. He understood that the words he was about to say would be harsh, but her safety was of more concern than unrequited love. It was true, he cared immensely for her, and he could love her, if he let himself, but the prospect of physically hurting her scared him senseless. If she kept her advances up very much longer- he would break. He needed to push her away before that happened.
"I don't know how many other ways I can say it. I won't let this happen. I'm flattered, but I'm so worried for you. Just go back to Hogsmeade and forget all about me. Quit coming here looking for me, quit asking Dumbledore when I'm coming back and how I'm doing. Lean on your friends for support; they'll see you through this, and when you're over me-"
"I won't be over you, that's not how it works! I don't want comfort from my friends, they harass me for lying about all day, staring at the bare walls, and fuss that I'm too skinny. I don't want to talk to them anymore; they can't do anything for me. I want comfort from you," she hesitantly reached across the table and grabbed Lupin's wrist. He tried to pull away, but she refused to let him. "I love i you /i ."
Lupin only shook his head sadly. "I don't know how many times I can tell you, this isn't about love. I care enough for you to ask you to leave me alone. This is how our story ends." He finally wriggled his wrist free and wrapped his other hand around it where Tonks hand had just been. His hand didn't provide the warmth hers had.
She rested her head in her hands and slumped down onto the table. "Oh I wish I'd never been born," she lamented. "I pray every day that you'll wake up one day and realize that you feel the same way. I dream you'll come beat down my door, take me in your arms and tell me that you love me. It's not fair and I was so terrified things would end up this way."
Lupin didn't know what to say anymore. They had avoided the heaviness of this conversation for so long, and it was obviously taking its toil on her. The two of them were silent for some time, and they didn't make eye contact. Lupin sat with his hands wrapped around his coffee cup, leaning in hesitantly toward Tonks. She brushed the tears off her cheeks and slouched down in her chair, and folded her arms across her chest like an insolent child.
"You don't have to leave or anything," Tonks declared finally, after a long silence. "I'm going home for Christmas tomorrow."
"I'll be at the Weasley's anyhow, don't leave on my account." Remus replied.
Tonks nodded. "I know, Molly invited me, but I knew you'd be going to visit Harry, so I turned her down."
A wave of sympathy crashed over him. "Tonks, if you want to go-"
"No, you deserve to be there more than I do. I've sent along my excuses."
Remus nodded and swallowed. "Happy Christmas, Tonks."
"I got you something," she admitted, looking down at the dusty floor.
"Tonks, that wasn't necessary," Lupin responded, feeling guilty he hadn't reciprocated and bought her a gift too. His faux pas had been intentional.
"I know it wasn't necessary," she countered. "That's not what Christmas is about." Tonks rose from her chair and quietly left the kitchen. She walked back to the study and retrieved a small parcel wrapped in brown paper and tied up with green and red ribbon. She returned to the kitchen and sat on the edge of the table nearest to Remus. She set the gift in front of him and forced a smile.
"Sorry, it doesn't look very 'holiday,' does it? I figured I'd have to Owl it to you. Don't open it until tomorrow, OK? Promise me."
A smile finally graced Lupin's face. "All right," he acquiesced.
Tonks closed her eyes briefly and licked her lips as she leaned down over Remus. She pressed a soft, tender kiss against his lips. "Happy Christmas," she whispered.
Based on "Cup of Coffee by Garbage, and art by Cambryn