*PoV Alec*
I walked into the Institute with my bag over my shoulder. I felt like I was falling, falling into a black hole and not able to see the bottom, but I knew it was there, it's sharp rocks waiting to split me open. I walked on autopilot to my room, and threw my stuff inside. I went down to the hospital room and sat on the bed next to Jace's. He was asleep, with a smile playing across, his small, delicate hand over his chest.
Wait, what?
I looked closer, seeing the splay of freckles on the small hands knuckles. Clary. I should have known. I lay down in the bed anyway, staring up at the ceiling. It was warped and cracked, the blue tile pale in the afternoon sun that was streaking in the window. I sighed, and closed my eyes.
I woke up to a hand on my shoulder. I opened my eyes and looked up, seeing someone smiling down at me. I was still half asleep and I thought it was him. I smiled goofily up at him, waiting for him to lean over and kiss me like he did every morning. But I noticed his eyes were gold, not green. The room shifted, and I wasn't looking up at the paint splattered ceiling I knew so well, but it was blue, and the person looking down at me wasn't… him, it was Jace.
I stopped smiling, and a bit of the happiness left Jace's eyes.
"Sup?" he asked.
I shrugged the best I could. I felt tears sting at the back of my eyes, the bridge of my nose. But I was a Lightwood, I don't cry in front of people, not even my family. Jace looked closely at me, and I turned away, because, if you want to know, I was starting to cry. I felt his hand on my shoulder.
"Alec, come on, what's wrong?" Jace asked.
I drew my legs up to my chest, and shook my head. It's not that I didn't want to talk to him, but I had a lump in my throat the size of Massachusetts, and it was getting harder to breathe.
I sat up and buried my face in my hands, feeling Jace's hand tighten on my shoulder as I started to sob. "Hey," Jace said, "come on, what's wrong?"
I tried to answer, but I couldn't. So I shook my head, and I got up. I walked out the door to my room, and then flopped on my bed. I heard the door crash open and feet walking over to my bed, one the soft patter of bare feet and one the sharp clack of heels hitting the cold stone floor. Jace and Izzy.
I felt the bed dip as they sat on my bed. I was face down in my pillows, breathing in the familiar scent of cat. I heard someone ruffle through my bag. Isabelle, probably. The person who went through my bag whispered something to the other, and the other one placed a hand on the small of my back. It was smaller than Jace's hand, smaller than Isabelle's. I turned to see Clary, sat on my bed and looking at me with a mixture of sadness and confusion in her eyes. She tried to smile at me, and I tried, just tried, to smile back, but I just broke down even more.
Isabelle sat down and hugged me tightly. She whispered things into my hair that I couldn't hear. Clary said something and left, and Izzy lied down next to me. I think I fell asleep there, with her holding me, tears and snot all over my face. Hey, no one said I had to look pretty while crying.
I woke up, alone, in the semi darkness. I looked around for the lamp and instead found a picture. It was of me and him, holding hands and smiling in front of the Eiffel Tower. He looked so beautiful. I put the picture down and hugged my pillow, wallowing in self hatred.
He had been the only good thing to happen to me in a long time.
The only good thing.
And know he hated me.
My Magnus hated me.
My Magnus hated me.
My Magnus hated me.
Hated me…
And it was all my fault.