Author's note: Yo, Breaking the Habit by Linkin Park was a great song to listen to while writing this.
This turned out longer than originally intended but, it ended up being a little personal. And unfortunately, I still couldn't put in all of the feelings and emotions into this piece.
Jace sighed and put his head on his desk. It was all paperwork again since coming back to Ravnica. He had to admit, after the Eldrazi, he didn't mind so much. It was just very long and tedious work. Even still, he would rather be roaming the streets discovering what new possibilities Ravnica held. Did a new restaurant open while he was away? Or had no time passed at all? He never fully understood how the time lines worked when he traveled between the planes.
That realization made him wonder. What happened exactly between the two planes? Was time different on them all? Or was it the same but he never realized it? Did it take time to planeswalk? Or was it instant? For him, it always felt as if it took ages to get through the Blind Eternities. But did it really?
Sitting upright he determined that he had to find out. He looked at the nearest clock and wrote down on paper the date and time. He then needed to pick a plane. He didn't want to go back to Zendikar and forget about returning to Innistrad. Perhaps Kamigawa? He hadn't been there in ages. After a few moments of thought, he realized that was because he didn't want to go back there either. Last time he was there, it was in his younger years, memories that he wanted to forget.
I could just erase all of those… he thought to himself. He shook his head, scolding himself.
No, no. No more memory wipes. We need to stay fully intact. Wait, why didn't I just wipe myself of all that before? Would have saved all that pain…
Sighing, he balled the paper up and threw it to the side. He couldn't planeswalk anywhere today. He didn't think he could for a while. Now, it seemed every plane had memories that he didn't want. The only one that didn't was Kaladesh but he was too tied up with any work to go see what the Veldakin minister had spoken about. The Gorgon had decided that she wanted to show her face again. And he had to take care of that.
At least he didn't have to deal with Nicol Bolas or Tezzeret again. If either of them came back around, he wasn't sure what exactly he would do with himself. Probably hide in a corner and cry. Defying them had left some serious scars and really made them angry with him.
He wondered how he had pissed off so many people. All he wanted at first was get by. When he first appeared on the streets of Ravnica, he had no memory of who he was, why here was there, and no idea of where he should even go. He had a name and a faint broken image of a half circle with two separate lines beneath it. He was a complete stranger and he didn't even know who he was. He could have been a horrible person for all he knew. He could have been a murderer.
Not like it mattered. He had become that anyway with Tezzeret.
He slammed his forehead on the table in front of him.
No, don't think about any of that! We are NOT going to go into it today! Just… let it stay in that dark corner. Aw, but it would be so much easier to just erase it all…
His inner struggle grew. Erasing all of it would just make it all better. But would it really? His past defined who he was, right? The bad he had done, the pain he went through, defined who he was today. If he erased it, he could become an entirely different person. Somehow, it also lead up to him finding and meeting Ral. Although he did try to kill Jace as well. But Ral was just complicated and didn't handle his own emotions well. Sometimes. He could be as raging as the lightning that he controlled. Other times, he was as calm and soothing as the rain gently falling on the roof tops. Like the rain and thunderstorms, Jace was always calmed by his presence.
He stood up. He had to find Ral. He could feel that it was going to one of those days.
He walked out the door and down the hallways. Ral would probably be in his office trying to create something new to annoy the shit out of Jace. They weren't always bad though. Although some of his previous inventions had made him uneasy. Usually they were the ones Ral liked to try and pawn off to people wanting more pleasure in their life.
If Tezzeret had that kind of technology while he still had Jace…
He hugged himself. He did not want anything to resurface. He did not want to remember. He should not have to remember.
He hurried his pace. He felt all the memories surfacing and trying to break through all of his layers of subconsciousness. It was said that you hide traumatic memories so deep you forget them. But Jace couldn't forget. He wanted to wipe his mind clean of them, but doing so erased parts of himself and what he learned of himself. Why were the memories part of him? Why did the thought of erasing such horrible moments make him feel like he was trying to alter who he was? They shaped who he is today, yes, but did it have to be so painful? He could have still become the man he was today without all that pain, couldn't he?
"Oof! Ow…"
Without realizing how quickly he was walking, being lost in his thoughts, he had run into someone. He bounced off them and his back and head hit the wall harder than he anticipated. He rubbed the back of his head to ease the sharp pain down apologizing to whoever he had run into.
"This is the first time you've apologized to me." Came the surprised and sarcastic response.
Jace's heart dropped and his blood froze. It was Liliana. The worst person he could have run into at this moment. She had been there during his worst of times, but it wasn't to comfort him. It was to make them worse. She had played with his heart and all she ever cared about was power. She was also the prime cause for him being…
Jace held his head. He couldn't do this today! Without any remark back to Liliana, he turned and walked away. He could hear her muttering something under her breath and the click click of her heels as she walked.
But they were getting closer not farther away.
Jace swung around in anger. She was almost right on top of him, her mouth a hard set line.
"Why don't you just talk to me Jace?" She asked.
He couldn't believe what he was hearing.
"Oh what, share all my feelings with you so you can walk all over them and crush them into the ground again? No thanks."
"That was… because of Nicol Bolas. Not because I wanted to."
"THAT'S your excuse?!" He screeched at her. "I didn't want to, so I did it anyway because oh, I could have a chance at more power?! Am I right?!"
The flash of the silver blade hovering above his chest. He tried to escape, pulled at the restraints, praying that they would break but it never happened. He could control them, make them stop, but it would kill him. His hands really were bound, as were his feet, his chest, was there even something on his neck?
One of his hands started pulling at his hair. The memories were starting to flood out. Not here. Not in front of Liliana. Never ever show her any weakness. She didn't deserve it and she couldn't be trusted. She may be friendly now, but underneath that is a manipulative bastard who will just control everything you do again. Eat you up and spit you out alive until you beg for the blade of torture.
"Look I got you out, I could have left you there!" She protested.
"Because that makes it all better." He spat out in disgust. "I didn't leave you to die in the situation that I put you in. You didn't have my friends killed is your next line right?"
"Jace, sweetie-"
"NO!" he shouted. He took two steps backwards. Away from her. That's what he needed. He needed to get away from her. She was doing it again, trying to control the situation, make him think that he was the one over reacting. That HE was to blame for everything. And he DID blame himself for a long time after that. He blamed himself for his friend's death. If he had never joined the Consortium, he wouldn't have caused at least one innocent man to die. If he had never gotten caught up with Liliana, if he had never had feelings for her, then he would have never been tortured day in day out. If it wasn't for her, then he wouldn't have almost lost his mind. Literally.
No matter what she tried to say, it was all HER fault.
He violently shook. He was getting angry. He wanted to punch her or throw some spell at her, tear her thoughts from her brain, make her feel the same pain he felt because of her. He wanted the tears he was holding back to spill out. He didn't want her to see. Show no weakness. Don't let her in. Keep the wall up. Everything is fine. He had to be fine. He would be fine.
"Just listen to me and you'll understand! You need to see things from my point of view! Jace, I can help you, ok? You just have to let me!"
"NO! LEAVE ME ALONE!"
"What's all this yelling outside my office?"
Ral stood in the doorway to his office, glaring at Liliana.
She clicked her tongue in disapproval.
"Nothing of consequence. We were just having a chat."
"Really?" Ral raised an eyebrow. "Doesn't look or sound that way to me. I'm certain pretty boy there just told you to "Leave him alone." Or am I just stupid?"
Jace loved Ral ten times more that day. He walked behind the man into his office. He sat in the bed that was in the corner and tried to calm down his nerves. Ral and Liliana were still going at it, but Jace didn't care. The memories had come back. Holding his head, he was forced to let them overflow.
Tezzeret told him that he could make so much money. But he never told him how much pain came with it. Jace was tearing the memories out of a man. He lay there on the ground, slumped over, unmoving. Jace felt dirty. Sick. He took away everything this man was. Why? Because he was ordered to. Like a dog. And like a dog he obeyed. Disobedient dogs were beaten. He had learned that the hard way.
He had defied him once. Told him that he didn't have to erase anyone else. The bigger man forced him into a small cell with nothing but a bed. Isolation. Maybe he could use his new powers to force Tezzeret to let him go. He tried. The link between the minds were easy to get. He felt the other mans thoughts, beckoned them to come…
There was immense pain in his jaw. Then came the pain in his cheek from hitting the wall. Tezzeret was screaming but Jace hurt too much. He never felt that kind of pain before. Then came another blow that put him to the ground. His head spun. Was he standing before that last blow? Who was he? Where was he?
"NEVER TRY THAT AGAIN." As Jace slowly felt his recognition return, the threat lingering.
"Jace sweetie, are you ok?" Liliana was there. The night had been fun, the two of them going out to get booze. Jace was feeling a little more happy than usual, but with his work, he felt it was well deserved. He wanted to get more. In fact, all he wanted to do was drink. When it came down to it, that was the only thing that made him stop feeling like a sick perverted mind fucker.
"Let's get some more!" He gleed at her, raising his glass.
"No, you don't need anymore."
Jace felt sad. Was that an emotion?
"But it's needed." He slurred.
"No, what's needed is you coming back home with me. In bed…" She ran her finger across his arm. He pushed her off though.
"No, that won't help. This wonderful golden liquid is what helps."
Liliana was offended.
"So I'm the problem is that it? You always do that. I'm not good enough for you." She turned her head away.
Jace was aghast.
"No! I never said that!"
"You always do that to me. Blame it on me. When all you do anymore is drink. And complain about your job. Do you realize that life could be worse? That you have it pretty good? Not everyone is as lucky as you to even have a job. So many people are much worse off than you, but you want to drink away your what? Sorrows? For doing your job? Erasing memories where it's needed so that the Consortium can stay functioning? Weeding out traitors and backstabbers? Helping the very man that pulled you off the streets? You always play the victim Jace!"
"Your right, Im sorry…" He felt a fool. His depression, his sorrows, weren't anything. She was right, he could have been on the streets starving still.
"Sorry doesn't cut it."
She slammed her hands on the table as she stood up. Jace tried to stop her, shouting pleas and protests, but she walked away.
He went home that night thinking he should just not talk to her again. Looking back on the conversation, who was she to say that his pain wasn't worse than others? But if he didn't have her, he had no one. What else could he do? Tezzeret's jobs made him feel like total shit and Kallist wasn't even talking to him anymore. He should ask Liliana what to do, what was best. Maybe with a bit of discussion, he could convince her to help him find a way out. They could both just run off somewhere. Things would get better. He just needed to talk.
But the talking lead to more fighting. There was never a solution. She was never happy with what he did. When he countered what she said the night before, she said he was forgetting everything she had said. He had been drinking too much and has been playing with people's minds too much. But when Jace protested that that was the reason he wanted to leave, she would have none of it. He was just playing the victim card again.
Jace felt like death. Going up against Nicol Bolas had given him a headache. But Jace was still here, standing in front of the doorway with Kallist. He felt terrified. Why did Tezzeret want to see him so soon? He hadn't even recovered from his frostbite. The chill was still lingering in his toes.
He walked into the room and was thrown to the ground. He yelled at the pain he felt at the roots of his hair. Tezzeret was forcing his face up, pulling his hair so hard it felt like it was all going to come out.
He was screaming about the encounter with the dragon. Jace tried to protest, to plead that it wasn't his fault, that he wasn't strong enough to go against him.
But the words were all the wrong words for Tezzeret. And the blade came sharply on his back. He felt nothing but pain and heard nothing but his screams. He didn't know for how long.
He sat alone in his room one night, eyeing the row of bottles on his floor. It was pretty. It was the only thing that made his emotions die and sometimes they would make him feel lighter. He wanted escape. But how could he? No matter what he did, Tezzeret would find him. He couldn't planeswalk- he could still be chased. And the consequences of being caught, he didn't want to think about.
If only he knew where his old home was, he would return. But he didn't even have that. He had nowhere to go. He couldn't escape. He was stuck. Unless…
He pulled out the old medicine he had from his frostbite. The healers had given them to him in case any pain came while he wasn't able to reach them. The bottle was full. There was enough to where the entire thing, when leaving his stomach and entering into his blood stream, would just put him into a nice sleep.
He could do it…
"Hey, Jace!"
Ral's hand was on his shoulder, gently rubbing it. Jace blankly stared up at his lover.
"Wha…what?" he couldn't comprehend where he was. First, he was back with Tezzeret, then he was looking death in the face and now, Ral.
"It's ok." Ral wrapped his arms around him. "I'm here. You're not there anymore. Damn it, yes I saw everything. You have this bad habit of linking to me when you're in distress."
"S-sorry…" Jace whispered. "I just, I can't control it, the flashbacks…"
Yes, they were flashbacks. Bad ones too. They probably wouldn't have been that bad if Liliana had left him alone.
Ral holding him helped tremendous amounts and Jace felt himself become more grounded. The Izzet mage pulled away for a moment to wipe the tears off the other mage's face. He hadn't realized that he had been crying. And profusely too it seemed. Ral sighed and used his shirt to dry off Jace's face.
"I'm sorry, I… that was, is, your shirt and I just…"
"Stop." Ral softly hissed. "It's okay. I can wash a shirt. What I can't do, is wash your pain away. I can try. But…"
He looked down, pain on his face. Jace put his hand on his cheek.
"I could wipe the memories away myself but…"
"No, I mean… As much as wiping the pain away would be great, I…" Ral struggled to find the right words.
Jace gently brushed against Rals mind. Just enough to get the idea but not intrude.
"I understand." He responded. "You're afraid that I'll be different. That I won't be the same."
Ral grunted and avoided Jace's eyes, whose response was a hug.
"I'm afraid of that too." He admitted. "I'm afraid that no matter how hard this pain is, if I just wipe them away, I'll become something that is just… ignorant. And foolish. And… I don't know how I could call myself me without them. But I…"
"You need help dealing with them." Ral finished for him. "And that's why I'm here." He softly kissed the mind mage.
"I have this great new thing I'm working on." He grinned down at Jace.
Jace showed curiosity.
"What is it?"
Ral leaned forward and whispered into his ear.
"It's an ice cream maker."
Jace laughed. He couldn't help it. It was so ridiculous.
"An ice cream maker?!" he kept laughing.
Ral threw his hands up.
"hey, hey, sometimes the Great and Glorious Guildpact needs some sweet ice cream in his life! Besides, I do too and I'm too lazy to buy myself one."
"But you'll put all the effort into making one?" Jace laughed harder at his lover's pure ridiculousness.
"Hey, it's set to make all kinds of ice cream. It's got all these ports and stuff so I can have all the flavoring in at once and I can make any type I want, with any combination!"
"You just… just… why?" Jace caught his breath. He wiped away a happy tear from his face.
"Because, if I made it for you then it would mean more right?"
Ral looked away slightly red.
Jace felt warmth swell up inside him. Ral was doing something ridiculous just for him. It made him feel special, something he hadn't felt when he first came to Ravinica, nor for a very long time.
"So, uhm, hey it's ready, I was about to test it out, do you want to help?" Ral pointed at it to try and hide his embarrassment.
Jace nodded eagerly. The machine was much simpler in structure than Ral made it seem and it worked wonderfully. The two sat at Ral's work desk eating away at the multi flavored ice cream. And it wasn't bad either.
"Ral."
Jace put his bowl on the table. His lover, stopped in mid bite and stared at him.
"Hmm?"
"Thank you. For…everything."
Ral finished his bite and walked over to Jace. He kissed him on the top of his head.
And Jace knew. No matter how hard the past was, how horrible the pain, it made him stronger. His experiences defined who he was and made him see through eyes he wouldn't be able to see through otherwise. The past made him more compassionate and drove his desire to help others. It made him learn who Jace Beleren, the only memory he had when he first walked onto Ravinica, was.
The pain would heal in time. Maybe it never completely would. But with Ral and maybe his new friends, if he told them about all of this, would help him through it.
And that was alright with him.