(A/N: Are you ready for it? Are you SURE you're ready for it? Have you put everything we need on the nightstand? Yes? Right, gentle reader, let me warm up my hands, and off we go!!)

Chapter 1: Everybody Knows, Except You

"Severus, Severus, it's alright, I know you're the Dark Lord's daughter!" Lucius panted, as he barged into Professor Snape's office at nine o' clock in the evening. Snape looked up from the essays he had been grading.

"I have no idea what you're talking about." He said, dipping his quill in his ink, "But I bid you to please stop wasting my time and get out of my office. I have work to do." He went back to scrawling a gargantuan 'T' on the essay.

"Yes, yes, I quite understand," Lucius said, trying to catch his breath, "You have to keep your disguise up, of course. But I was simply so shocked at the news that I had to see you. " He winked at Snape. "Don't worry, though, your secret is safe with me." He backed up out of the office, a finger on his lips, and the door closed magically behind him.

'How very, very bizarre', Snape thought, gazing at the now closed door. 'Oh well, Lucius has probably found another bottle of absinthe in yet another secret drinks cabinet.' He shrugged, and went back to work. He had given out another four 'T's, when he heard a loud bonk against the window on his left. He got up to see what it was. It was a huge bat, bashing against the glass blindly, which he seemed to remember belonged to someone he knew, so he opened the window to let it in.

It collapsed in a leathery heap on the carpet, and he nudged it with his foot to see if it was carrying a message. Indeed, attached to its thin neck was a small scroll of parchment. He plucked it off the bat, then scooped up the animal and put it on his desk, trying to remember what type of bat this was and consequently, what its diet was. But that turned out to be wholly unnecessary, since the bat suddenly leapt up, and clamped its tiny jaws around his wrist.

Snape swore and waved his arm up and down, trying to get the animal off, but it wouldn't budge. "Aaargh! Get off me, you mangy....." he started, but the bat let go, licking drops of blood from its lips. "Go on, get out of here, before I bash your pathetic brains in." Snape snarled at the bat, which took off instantly, not even asking for a reply to the letter it had been carrying.

Snape wiped the blood from his arm, picked up said letter, and looked at the seal, but it did not appear to be from anyone he knew, so he just opened it. 'Dear Severus,' it said, 'Having just heard the news, I could not hesitate to send you my sincerest apologies for my former behaviour. Especially the way I attempted to get you sent into Azkaban to save myself. It has all become clear to me now, and I can only hope and pray that, in due time, you will be able to forgive me. Your humble and most obedient servant, Igor Karkaroff.'

'News?' Snape thought, 'what news? And what does it make clear?' His brow furrowed. 'The bastard tried to trade my name to the Wizengamot for his release!' He crumpled up the letter, walked across his office to the fireplace, and threw it into the fire, where it vanished in a blaze of green sparks. He went back to his desk, deciding to pretend nothing had happened. He was just re-reading Hermione Granger's essay, trying to find as many tiny mistakes as he could, when there was again a loud banging against the window.

"Oh, for crying out loud...." He said, getting up to open the window, but realising in time that the window was still open from his last flying visitor. He peered up at it, and saw that a huge Oohoo owl was trying to get through the tiny dungeon window. "Get on with it, I haven't got all day." He said to the owl. "Fold up your wings and hop through the window." The owl seemed to glare at him for a moment, before doing as he suggested, and tumbling through the window.

It scrambled up, hooted, and flew up onto his desk, where it immediately started to eat Goyle Junior's essay. "Stop that." Snape said, swatting at the owl. "You'll get your food in a moment." He could feel the short fuse of his temper burning up, as he ripped the letter from the owl's leg and started to read.

'Dear Severus,

Having just heard the news, I decided that there was no time to waste and to write to you immediately. I understand everything now, and wish to apologise for when I tried to have them murder you because I thought you were a traitor. It was very foolish of me, and I should have been more considerate and wise.

In the most patient state of hoping for forgiveness, believe me to be

Your humble and obedient servant,

T. Nott.

Snape growled, as he crumpled up the letter and let it fall to the floor. "I don't know what he's talking about!" he said to the owl, which only responded by blinking its huge eyes slowly. "The bastard! Try to get me killed, indeed!!" He opened a drawer of his desk, took out some owl treats, threw them at the owls head, and slammed the drawer shut again. "What are you waiting for, get out of here and leave me be!" he snarled at the owl, which stuffed its beak with treats before thinking it better to leave as quickly as possible.

"...Bloody letters....bloody news...." Snape grumbled to himself. "Stupid imbecilic......" Just then, a beautiful barn owl came swooping through the dungeon window, its short, rounded wings perfectly adapted to flying through small spaces. "Not again!" Snape said to the owl, as it landed on top of a stray potion's book on the right corner of his desk. "You're Rosier's owl, aren't you?" The owl hooted in response.

"Well, if it's another one of those letters about my "news" you can tell him to bugger off! Now go away." The owl hooted, sounding insulted (for an owl), and hopped up and down in agitation. "I'm not taking his damned letter! Go home!" The owl fluttered in surprise as another bird came flying in through the window. It was another barn owl, though a bit scruffy-looking, and it made a clumsy landing, skidding down the length of Snape's desk.

"And I'm not opening any letters from Goyle, either!" He told the new owl. "I can never make out what he writes anyway. In fact, I doubt he even can write. I suspect he just makes rows of wonky lines, like he did at Hogwarts." The owl made an odd noise, sticking out its leg at him, apparently oblivious to what Snape had just said.

Another owl, rather similar to the one that had just arrived, came bumbling in, hooting affectionately. "No, no, no!" Snape said, "No more letters! Not from Goyle, or Crabbe, or anyone! Get out, the lot of you!" He stood up and pushed the three owls off his desk. They flew around his office in confusion, while Snape walked towards his window. "Accio owls!" he said, and the three owls shrieked in panic as they shot through the air into his hands.

"Ha! Now get lost!" he said, pushing them out of the window one by one. Just outside his window, several more owls were hovering, but he slammed the window shut behind Rosier's owl, and locked it with a spell. "Good riddance." He said to the owls outside, all of whom were screeching indignantly.

'Finally, some rest,' he thought, as he settled back down in his chair. 'What a load of nonsense. "News", honestly.... don't they have anything better to do than writing completely incoherent letters to me?' He shrugged, ignoring the noises outside, and went back to grading essays, quite looking forward to his nightly sneaking around the school hallways, and sincerely hoping that it would be entirely owl-free.

(A/N: Well, there we are. I hope your thirst for the answer to this Riddle (I am so clever with my puns) has only grown, gentle readers, for things shall grow and grow.... and turn into something even more complicated. Oh yes. And Chapter Two is coming soon, gentle readers, so be sure to keep that mouth of yours wide open and ready for more!