The Magic of Samhain
Knock, knock, knock.
The sound echoed loudly within The House of Mystery.
Cain, the houses caretaker, walked to the front door dressed like Edgar Allen Poe, complete with a fake mustache and a real, live raven on his shoulder. In his hand he carried a bowl of candy.
He swung open the door.
"Trick or treat," said Zatanna Zatara.
She stood on the front porch wearing a black, low cut dress and a black bouffant wig. A small dagger was tucked into the leather belt around her waist, and her cleavage was pumped up to a hundred.
"What do you think?" asked Zatanna, spinning around. "I'm Elvira, Mistress of the Dark."
"Yes, I'm aware," said Cain with disdain. "I'm intimately acquainted with the woman. She stole my house once."
"What a tragedy," said Zatanna, sarcastically.
She stepped past Cain and walked into the entryway of the house.
"I guess I'm a little early for the party, huh?" she said, hearing no music and seeing no other guests around.
"Unfortunately you're right on time," said Cain as he shut the door.
"Where's Abel?" asked Zatanna. She peered up to the second floor landing as if expecting to see him there.
"How should I know?" said Cain, angrily. "Am I my brothers keeper? He's probably putting on his costume."
"Hmm," said Zatanna. "I like yours, by the way. The live raven is a nice touch."
"I ain't part of his costume, lady," said the raven. "My name's Matthew. Pleased to meet ya."
"Oh," said Zatanna, surprised, but for only a moment. "It's good to meet you, Matthew, my name is Zatanna."
Matthew flew off Cain's shoulder and over to the staircase where he perched on the banister.
"You're the magician right?" he asked. "Abel talks about you all the time. He says your pretty talented."
Zatanna laughed.
"I know some things," she said.
Cain rolled his eyes.
"If you two would like to converse in the living room, there's punch and assorted snacks," he said.
"Alright," said Zatanna.
She held out her arm to Matthew.
"Shall we?" she said.
Matthew fluttered over and perched on her arm and the two headed down the hall.
"So, how long have you been a bird?" asked Zatanna.
Cain watched them go and then another knock on the door diverted his attention. He composed himself, then opened the door slowly so that it creaked eerily. Standing on the porch this time was a small trick-or-treater wearing orange footy pajamas and a burlap sack with a creepy smiley face stitched on it as a mask. Its button eyes glinted in the light of the porch lamp as it silently held up an open sack expectantly.
"Don't you have anything to say?" asked Cain.
The trick-or-treater just stood there with its arms outstretched.
"Hmph, well since your costume is delightfully macabre I suppose that counts for something," said Cain, grabbing a handful of Tootsie Rolls and Jaw Breakers out of the bowl and dropping them into the sack.
The trick-or-treater nodded politely and then turned and scurried off into the night.
In the living room Zatanna was surprised to see a few party goers were already there; all of them just silently hanging out around the room. There was a frankenstein and a demon standing near a large bay window looking out of it with blank expressions on their faces, a couple of mummies sitting on a love seat snuggling, a retro futuristic robot awkwardly standing next to a female clown and a guy in a caveman outfit near the refreshments table, and a large green gargoyle laying on the carpet in front of the room's ornate fireplace.
"Fun crowd," said Zatanna.
"Yeah, this party died before it even had a chance at life," said Matthew.
"If you two don't like it, you can leave," said Cain, coming up behind them.
"After all, I tried my best. I supplied food and drink and decorations. It's not my fault that these idiots all decided to be party poopers. No one's even wearing a costume!"
Zatanna did a double take. She looked at the room full of party goers and then at the one black and orange streamer hanging from the ceiling and the jack-o-lantern sitting on an end table.
"That's your idea of decorations?" she asked. "Hang on."
She waved her left hand in a swishing motion and said, "Etaroced ylreporp."
Immediately the room was filled with dozens of streamers, confetti, balloons, skull and bat shaped window decals, and even a piñata that strongly resembled Edgar Alan Poe.
"Now about these snacks," said Zatanna, making the same motion at the refreshments table. "retteb doof."
The stale pretzels and lukewarm Kool-Aid that was there disappeared and was replaced, magically, by a punch fountain spewing ice cold, blood-red punch, ghost shaped sugar cookies, and assorted chips and dips all on a table cloth decorated with black and orange pumpkins and witches.
The monster guests all perked up and began smiling and talking to each other about the sudden improvements. Everyone began mingling.
"That's a party," said Zatanna, triumphantly.
Matthew whistled.
Cain growled.
"Oh g-g-good, you put up more decorations," said Abel, entering the room. "N-n-now all we n-n-need is some music."
He was a chubby man compared to his thin brother, with a timid smile on his face. He wore a plain black suit and tie, a bald cap, and had a cleanly shaven face instead of his usual goatee. When he saw who his brother was talking to he was a bit surprised.
"Good evening," he said, affecting a deep drawl.
Zatanna laughed and hugged her friend.
"Good evening, Alfred Hitchcock," she said.
Abel looked surprised by the hug.
"H-h-hello, Elvira. Good to see you again too."
He gave Cain a "what is she doing?" look.
"That's Zatanna, you idiot," said Cain.
"Oh, ha ha, yes, I knew that. I was only j-j-joking," said Abel, taking another look at the woman in front of him. He blushed.
"It is a very convincing costume, though," he said.
"Oh, it's just a little thing I conjured up," said Zatanna.
"Are those part of the costume too?" Matthew asked from Zatanna's shoulder. He was looking at her chest.
"Shoo, bird," said Zatanna, shrugging him off.
He flapped over to Abel's shoulder instead.
"S-s-so, what do you say we put some music on and really get the party going?" said Abel.
The thunderous sound of knocking filled the house once more.
"I'll handle the music," said Cain. "You get the door, lint-for-brains."
As Abel and Matthew attended to that, Cain went over to the big hi-fi he had in one corner of the room. Zatanna went with him out of morbid curiosity.
"Let's see… some spooky Halloween music," Cain said to himself, and after selecting just the right record, he plucked it off the shelf and put it on the turntable.
The first notes of "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" by Gordon Lightfoot filled the room, and everyone stared at Cain.
"Seriously?" said Zatanna.
"This is a scary song," Cain said defensively. "It's about death and tragedy and a sunken ship. That's the stuff of Halloween."
"It's a fine song, but you can't dance to it," said Zatanna.
"Well, what would you suggest?" asked Cain.
Zatanna waved her hand. "Ecnad cisum," she said.
The record magically flipped on the turntable and Donovan's "Season of the Witch" began to play instead. The partygoers responded better to this. Everyone began to sway and move their hips to the sound of the electric guitar. All except for the Frankenstein, who just kind of teetered a bit.
"Groovy," said a soft, sexy voice all of a sudden and Cain and Zatanna turned to see three actual witches enter the room along with Abel and Matthew. The witch who had spoken was young, blonde and beautiful and wore a black minidress and a long velvet cape. Her name was Cynthia. The other two witches were Mildred and Mordred. They were much older and considerably less attractive and hip than Cynthia. Mildred was plump and plain and wore a hooded robe, and Mordred was practically ancient and looked like an old school, traditional witch, complete with pointy hat.
"I love this song," said Cynthia. "It's far out."
She began to dance and wiggle seductively.
"So, no costumes on you three either," said Cain. "You do know this is a Halloween party, right?"
"Everyday is Halloween for us, deary," said Mildred. "I do like your costume, though. And of course dear Abel's too," she added.
Cynthia looked at Abel who still had Matthew on his shoulder.
"Yeah, real trippy Alfred Hitchcock getup and all. What are you supposed to be, Matthew, one of the birds from his movie?" she said.
Matthew's feathers ruffled.
"No, I'm not part of his costume. I'm here as a guest," he said.
Cynthia smiled, wickedly.
"Well, start mingling, you three," said Cain. "Oh, this is Zatanna Zatara by the way. She's a magician and blah, blah, blah," he said gesturing in Zatanna's general direction.
"Oh yes, we witches know our own," said Mordred in a gravelly voice. She stretched out one of her old, skeletal hands and walked toward Zatanna.
Zatanna looked nervous and uncomfortable, as soon all three witches began to advance on and encircle her.
"Come with us, deary," said Mildred, taking Zatanna by the arm.
"Yes, come talk with us a moment," said Cynthia.
The ladies lead Zatanna away as she looked towards Abel, pleadingly. All he could do was shrug.
The three witches, or rather, the four witches talked in a corner of the room for almost an hour, and in that time many other trick-or-treaters and party guests came a-knocking at The House of Mystery. There were people that Cain and Abel did not even know, such as a middle eastern werewolf, a man in a trench coat and gas mask, and what appeared to be a very young girl scout now at the party, as well as several people that Cain and Abel knew all too well, including Lucien, the librarian of dreams, Destiny of the endless, who was a real downer that Cain only invited out of charity, and ex DC Comics editor Joe Orlando. The two latest guests to arrive were a living scarecrow named Merv Pumpkinhead and a woman named Eve.
Cain ushered the two into the living room and noticed that Merv had a tin funnel on his head and carried an axe.
"Is that supposed to be a costume or something," he asked.
Merv took the cigar he was smoking out of his mouth.
"Yeah, I'm the tin woodsman from those Oz movies," he said in a gruff, blue collar voice.
"You're kidding, right?" said Cain.
"You don't like it?" asked Merv.
"Whatever. At least you actually tried, unlike some people," he said, looking at Eve.
Eve, a slender, graceful woman with long dark hair and olive skin looked at Cain with nothing short of a mother's patience.
"I don't really do Halloween," she said. "I just came because Abel asked me to, and for Matthew, to make sure he doesn't drink too much."
"All we have here is punch," said Cain. "And it isn't spiked."
"That's what you think," sang Matthew's voice from somewhere nearby.
"Just… mingle," said Cain to Eve and Merv. "And if anyone asks, Eve, just tell them you're Cher."
No more guests arrived after that and the later it got the less trick-or-treaters came by. Everyone was happy dancing, talking, and just sitting around enjoying themselves. Zatanna had finally gotten away from the three witches and was getting cozy with Abel by the fireplace, the two mummies had snuck off to some room in the house to be alone, Merv was flirting with the clown, the girl scout was talking to Destiny, and Eve sat alone on a couch surveying it all.
"Eve, can I ask you something?" said Matthew, scuttling up beside her on the arm of the couch.
"Of course," she said.
"You don't see me as an accessory, or like, a pet or something do ya?" he asked.
"Of course not, I see you as a friend," said Eve.
"Damn right," said Matthew.
"And I love your costume by the way," said Eve. "The Maltese Falcon. Very clever."
Matthew cocked his head at her.
"You're the first person to get that," he said.
"I know you very well," said Eve.
"Cain!" said Mordred all of a sudden, loudly enough for the whole room to hear. "This party is starting to die. How's about a game or something? Something to get everyone in the Halloween spirit."
Cain put down his drink and stood up from the armchair he had been sitting in.
"An excellent idea," he said. "How about the classic bobbing for apples?"
He looked at Abel.
"Abel, you can be the first to stick your head in the water. I'll even help you."
Abel gulped.
"How ab-b-bout hide and seek instead?" he asked.
"No, dead man's brains!" said Cynthia, enthusiastically, and many of the other partygoers began to agree with her suggestion.
"Alright, alright, dead man's brains it is," said Cain.
"Lovely," said Mildred. "We happen to have all the necessary props with us," she said motioning to herself and the other two witches.
"Then I'll turn down the lights and we'll begin," said Cain.
"What is this game?" asked Matthew, as Cain began to do as he said he would. "I never was really big on games and Halloween and stuff when I was human."
"It's where you turn out all the lights and a storyteller begins to pass around objects, telling you that they are things like the heart, the brain, the intestines of a dead man. In reality it's just stuff like spaghetti and jelly and that sort of thing," Eve whispered. "It's an old children's game."
Everyone came closer together as all the lights in the room were extinguished save for the one in the jack-o-lantern, which flickered eerily, but did not cast enough light for anyone to really see properly.
"As it so happens, an old friend of mine recently died," began Cain. "I still would like you all to get to know him, however, and so I will acquaint you with him now."
In the darkness Mordred handed something to Mildred who handed it to Cynthia who handed it to Cain. Cain felt it over for a moment and then said, "Aha, perhaps you would all like to know what's on my friend's mind. Well, here is his brain."
He passed the object to the nearest person who felt it for a moment and then passed it on to the next person.
Cynthia handed Cain a second item.
"You know, my friend had a real eye for detail. In fact, he had two! See for yourself. These are his eyeballs," said Cain.
He passed the round objects off to somebody.
"He also had great taste, too," said Cain, after receiving the next thing from the witches. "You can feel it, on this, his tongue!"
Pass, pass, pass.
And so it went. The objects got passed around and around several times and were joined by other things like a kidney, a heart, a foot, a finger, a bone. All came with puns. All were received with giggles and mock revulsion and even a few off color comments (mostly from Merv and Matthew). Everyone was having a good time. Then came the finale where Cain said, "And now ladies and gentlemen, we will turn on the lights and whoever happens to be holding the dead man's brain is the winner! Okay, hit the lights!"
The lights came on and to only a few people's surprise the objects that they had been passing around were exactly what Cain had said they were; actual body parts. Destiny looked at the severed nose he was holding and then silently looked at Cain. Eve did the same with the eyeballs she was holding. Zatanna dropped the moldy human foot she had in her hands and then wiped them on her dress.
"What the hell, Cain?" she asked.
The girl scout and the clown began to cry.
"I didn't do this, you idiots," said Cain. "Although to be perfectly honest I totally saw it coming, and I'm a bit surprised you didn't." He chuckled a little to himself. "Anyway, it really wasn't me, it was them giving me the stuff," he pointed to the three witches who all had evil smiles on their faces.
Cain glanced over towards the light switch to see who had been the one to flip it and was surprised to see Abel there in one piece.
"Hey, wait a minute," he said. "I figured you three were getting the pieces from lardo over there. What gives? Where did these parts come from?" he asked the three witches. "Because if you murdered one of my honored guests, well, that may just be going a bit too far."
"Chill out, Cain," said Cynthia. "We killed no one. That story you told was right on the money. The parts really were from a dead man. That dead man as a matter of fact," she said, pointing at the big bay window.
Everyone turned, and in the dim moonlight they could all see a rotting, angry, disemboweled corpse standing outside. It's slimy, twisted face was missing most of its features including its eyes, yet still it stared in at them and then began to pound on the glass with its two dead hands.
"I think he wants them back," Mildred cackled. "And maybe a little revenge to go with them."
"What is this?" Cain asked the witches.
"Just thought your party needed a little oomph," said Mordred. "So we dug up some entertainment, right in YOUR very own cemetery. Hehehe, you can thank us later. In the meantime I think your 'friend' has enlisted some friends of his own to help him retrieve his belongings."
She pointed her claw-like finger at the window where Cain and his guests could now see to their horror several other zombies approaching from the graveyard outside the house.
"It's always groovy when friends get together," said Cynthia. "That's the magic of Samhain."
She and her comrades laughed evil, cold laughs and then disappeared into swirls of colored smoke.
"Get back here and put those things back in their graves!" Cain yelled at the air, but he knew it was futile. The three witches were gone.
The zombies began to gather at the window and bang on the glass in unison.
Instinctively, Matthew snatched an eyeball out of Eve's hand and ate it.
"Matthew, not now," Eve scolded.
"Can't you d-d-do something?" Abel asked Zatanna. "Make th-th-them magically go away?"
"No. This is a trinity spell. I'd need at least two other magic users besides myself to counter this resurrection," said Zatanna.
The glass began to crack as more and more of the undead began to slowly attack the window. In a matter of seconds they'd be pouring into The House of Mystery.
"Welp, I guess the only thing to do now is to have a good old fashioned zombie massacre," said Cain. "If you'll all follow me to the drawing room I have a weapons cupboard full of shotguns, axes, machetes, dynamite, and the like. Feel free to grab whatever you want, or barricade yourself in any room of the house."
"The perfect host," said Zatanna, as she and everyone else began to follow Cain out of the living room and the zombies began to enter it through the window.
"Hey, do I still win the game?" asked Merv Pumpkinhead from the back of the line, as he held up the dead man's brain that he had ended up with.