Hello people! Last month I decided to write something about one of my otps, and I think the idea of writing a Taengsic fanfic will be so exciting, so I decided to write about them. This is my first fanfic ever that I actually published, because usually I only write for private requests. English is not my first language, so I'm really sorry if there are some errors (but it has been beta-ed though). So, I hope you guys will enjoy my fanfic, and so we go!
WARNINGS: Same-gender pairing (but seriously you wouldn't be reading this if you don't like this kind of stuff), T/M-rated (there'll be some steamy scenes later, but as for now it is T-rated.), and 100% angst.
"Love you as much as the stars, stars, stars
I came for you to find you, you're that shining star
Stars, stars, stars, no matter what I say
I really can't express myself."
- Girls' Generation 'Star Star Star'
Chapter 1: 365 and counting
Gray. Pale blue. Gray. Pale blue. Hospital. I hate hospitals. Sick. Sick of it.
365 more days. Counting, and counting, and—
She exhaled. There was no use of counting the days she had left. It was all clear. She knew it would happen evenually and she wouldn't waste the precious seconds that were currently and slowly eating away her body. She was tired. She just wanted to sleep. Well, in 365 more days, she'll sleep away forever. So there was no need to worry, right?
She went to the cashier to pay for the last medication she needs. She won't be needing those chemotherapies anymore. She just needs a bit of medicine. Two pills to take everyday, until 365.
365. She liked to call it that way.
"Hello, may I help you?" the woman at the cashier said. She had short blonde hair, and thoughtful eyes. The clock is ticking, and I can't turn back any second.
Then she realized she had been staring at the woman for too long.
"Oh, yes. These are the receipts." she said. The cashier woman took the receipts from her hand, and scanned the barcode on the thin papers with the barcode reader. The cashier's silver nametag was shining. Lee Sunny, it read.
"Lee Sunny . . .?" she said, not sure if it was a question. But there was something in Lee Sunny's name that she found very . . . sunny. Just like her name.
"Yes?" She smiled. Her smile was very sunny, too.
"Oh, that's your name? Its so sunny." she tried to joke, but sadly failed. Of course, she had lost her sense of humor since she found out about 365. But Lee Sunny laughed so brightly.
"Yes, you can call me Sunny, miss. I see your name is," she searched for her name on the receipts. "Jessica Jung." She smiled again. "Miss Jessica, then?"
"Yes, Sunny. Just call me Jessica." she smiled back at Sunny. "So, how much does all the medicine cost?" she asked, even though she already knew how much it is.
"$680 including the therapy and the pills." Sunny said. "This white pill is for daytime. Take one before you eat your lunch." She handed a plastic bag full of white pills, and on the label it said "365 pills".
365 and counting.
"This one, the orange one, is for nighttime. Take one before you sleep." She handed another plastic, and it also said "365 pills" on it.
365 and whoosh.
"The pink one is for when you have a sudden attack. Take two once you're feeling the familiar pain that you felt before." She said, and handed a plastic bag for Jessica to carry all the medicine. The pink one said "365 pills", again.
365 and free.
"So,"
"So." Jessica smiled back.
The woman in front of her cleared her throat, and began to flip through the pages of her notebook. I hate awkward moments, said the voice in the back of her mind.
"So, how's your life, Jess?" she asked.
The woman in front of her was very kind. She had brown hair, a few shades darker than her own, and big, curious eyes. She was holding a notebook on her lap, and she kept biting the edge of her Hello Kitty pink pen. Two old habits, Jessica observed as she was having her little nostalgia. They used to see each other so often back then as classmates, but now they both had gone to their own paths.
"I'm just fine," Jessica said, and the woman smiled at her. When she smiles, her whole face and eyes lighten up. She wondered how many more seconds she could spend while smiling whole-heartedly. "Just had the last therapy yesterday. Guess I'm fine now, eh?" she smiled awkwardly again. My voice didn't say that I'm fine.
"Hmm," the dark-haired woman flipped through pages again. She looked like she's reading something from her notebook, then looked back at Jessica, and nodded.
"'Fine' is way too general, Jess." she said. Her big eyes said that she actually knew what was going on, but Jessica knew that she wouldn't stop unless she tells the truth.
She cleared her throat again. "How about your health, then?" she smiled ruefully. "You said that you had the last therapy yesterday, so can you do normal activities now?" she asked, but Jessica saw a flash of regret on the girl's face. Of course. She knows. But she wants to shake it out of me.
She didn't want to talk about this anymore. She was too tired. The reason she came to her therapist friend was because she wanted to talk about her life. She wanted to know how to spend the rest of her precious days doing something useful.
The girl's gaze bore into Jessica. "You know, you have to-"
"Yes." Jessica answered quickly. "Yes I know. I have to vomit all of my feelings in front of you. Okay." she said, a little bit too sharply. But when she wanted to apologize, the girl's face in front of her was full of understanding.
Inhale. Exhale. Let it fly away, like one day you'll fly away into those puffy clouds.
"Its . . ." she hesitated, but she continued anyway. She had to. "I am," she gulped, and tried so hard not to have a break down session in front of her old friend, because she was tough enough. But not strong enough because there was nobody to keep her together, then—
"Tiffany," she exhaled. "My white blood cells are eating away my body again, and I only have exactly three hundred and sixty-five days more to live." her voice broke as she said 'three hundred and sixty-five', and she finally wept in front of Tiffany, and Tiffany embraced her already-pale thin body as Jessica rested her forehead to Tiffany's shoulder.
She felt so small, so weak, and so fragile. She mumbled random words on Tiffany's shoulder, but the other girl could only hear those numbers.Three hundred and sixty-five. Jessica said those words over and over again, like they were her only prayer. Tiffany ran a hand on Jessica's back, trying to soothe her, but she knew that there's nothing can stop it.
Jessica let herself cry for a long time, because after this, she knew she wouldn't cry again. Not anymore. She will save her days for happiness, not for her useless tears. She even thought about going to mental hospitals and try to make those people happy. But no, I'm just like them. I can't help anybody who's insane if I am too. So she pushed the thought away, and decided that she would try to hold on to her life until 365.
365 and counting. I am ready.
The break down session lasted for thirty minutes (Jessica thought it was only 3 minutes), and they sat on the long sofa in Tiffany's office. Tiffany had provided her with tea and Jessica sipped the tea as Tiffany told her about her own life, too. When the hell do therapists talk about their own lives?
"Now, you live alone, then?" Jessica asked, while Tiffany spun her Hello Kitty pen between her fingers. "Like, no accompany? Just you and you alone?"
Tiffany put her pen down, and sighed. "Yeah, I guess so. Sometimes I feel alone, but it is okay because I meet people everyday. You know, they tell me everything about them, and I give them advice, so I don't feel alone." she said. She tied her dark brown hair into a bun, and bit one of her biscuits.
"How it feels like, to have people consult to you?" Jessica asked. She didn't mean to be formal. She was curious. Maybe she could get a part-time job like Tiffany. She would love to understand people.
"It's . . . normal. But sometimes, you could feel their memories filling in the empty spaces in your head, and it's not really good. You know that feeling when you're full, but people force you to eat more." Jessica nodded, and Tiffany continued. "Yeah, like that. But I get to understand a lot of people, though. See the pattern of their lives. Understand how the world flows. Sometimes, I just walk to the city and watch people pass by, but I don't know anything about them. But my job helps me to know more about this world." she said, and finally she took the pen again and wrote something on the notebook. What was so interesting in that notebook?
"What's in that notebook?" Jessica suddenly asked. Tiffany looked up from her notebook to meet her eyes, and she smiled. She showed the notebook to Jessica. It was full of photographs of people, people's information, people, people, people, so many people, living people, and even happy people. Why am I doing this to myself?
"They went to me to consult about their lives. I took notes about them. So when they come back, I can figure out their progresses," she said. Jessica kept flipping through the pages of Tiffany's notebook. People with different expressions. Happy. Quiet. Sad. Doubtful. Amused. Confuse—
The photograph of a girl on the last page caught Jessica's eyes. She couldn't take a conclusion from this girl's photograph. Her expression was complicated. One time Jessica looked at the photograph, she looked happy enough. Then she glanced around the room, looked at it again and the girl looked so broken. It changed every time Jessica looked again. There was no name on the photograph. Jessica was beyond curious about this. She loved discovering people's lives' patterns. Tiffany caught her staring at that girl, and she laughed.
"That's Kim Taeyeon. My new patient. Just came to me around two weeks ago." she said, while they both stared at her photograph. "She's like that. She looked fine on the outside, but I swear, she's the hardest patient to understand in my whole career." she grinned, and Jessica brushed her fingers around the photograph. There was a slight pang in her chest when she did that.
"Does she . . . live anywhere?" Jessica asked. Why was she like this? She never wanted to be nosy, but this time, she couldn't resist it. But the reason was, why does it have to be this stranger? They don't have connections, but her heart kept telling her to find more about this particular Taeyeon.
"Of course. Two blocks from here. She lives alone in her apartment." Tiffany said, and she wrote something on the edge of the paper. Patient's number, Jessica thought. "What I know is that she's too alone. She doesn't talk. All she does is walk around the streets, and she will always bring her thick sketchbook. When she came here, I peeked at her sketchbook, but it was empty. She didn't draw anything."
"Oh," Jessica said, quite unsure what to say next. She wanted to know more about this girl, but she couldn't tell Tiffany. She would be curious, of course. Why would she wanted to know more about this girl? But she asked Tiffany anyway.
"Can I be her . . . therapist? Whatever you call it?" Jessica asked. Tiffany turned to face Jessica, and she smiled.
"Yes. Please. I have too much work these days." she looked at Jessica again. "I suppose you want to do this because . . ." Tiffany hesitated at first, but Jessica cut her words.
"Because I want to spend the days I have left usefully. Yes." She confessed. Tiffany nodded in understanding, and gave a piece of paper to write Kim Taeyeon's details and information.
"She'll have her next appointment tomorrow. But you could text her that you'll both just have it at her apartment. More private, eh?" she smiled. Jessica kept copying those information from Tiffany's notebook to her own piece of paper. Her hands were shaking, and the words she wrote were messy. Oh no, not now, not now.
"Tiff, where's the restroom?" Tiffany looked at Jessica again, and panic was written on her face.
"Oh, it's there, near the pantry. Do you need help-" Before Tiffany could finish her sentence, Jessica ran to the bathroom, and closed the door tightly behind her. She went in front of the mirror, and looked at herself. She was very pale. Her face was like a thin parchment paper. She couldn't figure out what will her body need, because it was only after lunch, and she took the pill before lunch. Everything was supposed to be fine.
Then she realized.
Her nose was bleeding, and the blood splattered onto the sink. She quickly opened the water faucet and wiped the blood away with cold water. But it kept bleeding so fast. She focused at her reflection on the mirror, and she closed her eyes. God, what if it is not 365, but only 1? No. No. I have to meet this girl first- Then she remembered. She had to stay, so she could find out more about this girl.
She opened her eyes again and looked at herself into the eye. Suddenly, she felt like something just struck her head, and she held her own head between her hands. The headache was too painful and overwhelming. She held on to the sink.
After a minute or so, the bleeding had stopped. She quickly grabbed a handful of tissues in her hand, and came back to Tiffany's office room. She was still sitting on the black sofa, but her back was straight. She didn't lean on the sofa. She looked very concerned with Jessica's condition.
"Are you okay? You sure you want to do this?" Tiffany asked. "Because a person like this, once they trusted you, you can't leave. Sure you've heard about that."
"To look after this girl? Yes. I want to. I need to do this. I need to distract myself from my pain." she said. She settled herself down on the floor, so she could write more easily on the coffee table. Now her handwriting was a lot neater.
Kim Taeyeon
Born: 9 March 1989 (age 25)
Phone-call: 5872369
Lives in an apartment. Two blocks from Tiffany's office.
Details:
- brings her sketchbook everywhere, but doesn't draw.
- Close-minded.
Problem: still on progress.
"Oh, and Jessica," now Tiffany looked at her more thoroughly. "Please do know that this girl is very hard to be opened, so please be gentle with her. I don't know why you chose to consult her, because there are other patients who are easier, but I'll just give it up to you. OK?" she reassured Jessica.
"Of course." Jessica said, but more like to herself. She didn't even know why she wanted to try this girl as her first patient, but this girl had succeed to catch her eyes' attention. She slipped the paper about Kim Taeyeon's details between her medical files, and zipped it again. Tiffany walked to her working desk, and started to type on her laptop. She didn't look like her classmate anymore. More like a businesswoman. But she also consults people. And me? I looked like a walking corpse.
Jessica got up from the floor, and slides her bag's strap to her right shoulder. She cleared her throat, and took two steps to the front of Tiffany's desk. She offered her hand to shake, but Tiffany got up and went to the side of her desk so she could stand in front of Jessica, and hugged her. Tiffany patted her back awkwardly, but Jessica gave a reassuring little squeeze that she will be fine.
"Good luck, Jess. Just come here if you need anything, 'kay?" Tiffany said, and she smiled again. Jessica nodded, and smiled at her back. She positioned her bag on her shoulder again, and disentangled herself from Tiffany. Sometimes she missed her old friends.
Jessica took a glance on Tiffany's laptop, and her screen was full of people's name. Tiffany was very successful, then.
"Looks like you're going to have so many people tomorrow." Jessica smirked. Tiffany laughed, and sat back on her working chair.
"Yes. Tomorrow I will have the 366th patient, and some other more. Gotta take a long break after that. Last week I took two weeks break, so need to work hard again," she said.
Jessica gasped.
366th?
"Tiffany, can I look at your notebook again? I think I forgot something," she said. Tiffany nodded and handed the pink leather notebook to her. The therapist was still looking at her laptop. Jessica quickly flipped through the pages to find certain person's information. She realized that Tiffany always put the patient's number on every corner of the page.
Then she found it. Kim Taeyeon. 365th patient. She closed the notebook, and put it on Tiffany's desk.
"Thank you Tiffany, catch you later!" she said, as she dashed out from the office room. Tiffany waved at her, but she didn't look back.
09:34 pm - 13/09/2013 - Sent
Kim Taeyeon, this is your new therapist, Jessica Jung. Your previous therapist, Tiffany Hwang, is my friend. She said that she couldn't hold you as her patient anymore because she is very busy. Tomorrow you'll have your second appointment, right? So I'll come by your house, if you're comfortable with that. Thanks!
- 10:12 pm - 13/09/2013 - Received
OK.
The coldness of September air wrapped around Jessica's body as she got out of the bed, and went to her bathroom. Her life was always the same. She worked part-time jobs from her friends to continue to live. After that, she'll go to the hospital to continue her never ending therapy. It was because of its never-ending therapy Jessica decided to stop attending her therapy schedules anymore. She needed to work harder to get more money to pay for her therapy, and hardcore works will make her already weak body weaker. Yesterday was her last therapy, and she bought pills just to keep her alive until next year.
She took a steamy shower, brushed her teeth, and put her warm clothes on. Her style was always jumpers, jeans, and flat shoes. She licked her lips, pinched her cheeks, just to add some color to her pale skin. She took the cereal box from the kitchen cupboard and the milk carton from the refrigerator, poured it into a bowl, and ate it. Same pattern each day. Then, she took her pill. Now it's 364.
Tiffany said that she liked to observe people's life pattern. Well, it wasn't hard to observe Jessica's life pattern. It was just the same everyday.
Jessica was always alone. Since she graduated from her high school, she decided to leave her parents and little sister because she knew that her leukemia was coming back sooner. She didn't want them to be worried about her condition, so she told them that she decided to live by her own because she wanted to be independent. She tried to find some part-time jobs. Her life wasn't luxurious—it used to, but since she left, it wasn't. But she had enough money to sustain her life.
Today, she was excited. She couldn't wait to see Kim Taeyeon with her own eyes. Another part-time job, but this one was kind of different, though. She gets to understand people.
She took her warm jacket from the hanger, and left. She loved to wear thick clothing, especially when autumn was starting to wrap itself around Korea's heart. She grabbed her car keys, and left her loft.
After she parked her car in the parking lot, she hugged her jacket more tightly, and walked through the cold wind to Kim Taeyeon's apartment. She asked the receptionist about a girl named Kim Taeyeon, and so he led Jessica to Kim Taeyeon's apartment unit. The receptionist gave Jessica a strange look before entering back the lift.
Maybe not many people visit her.
She inhaled, and then knocked the door for the first time. There was no answer, so she knocked again. Finally, the door swung open, and a thin girl stood in front of her.
The girl's hair was dark brown, almost black. Her skin was so pale, but not as pale as Jessica. She wore a grey hoodie with blue shorts. Her eyes were full of confusion. There was something wrong with her eyes, but Jessica couldn't figure it out.
"Who are you?" she said. Her voice was faint.
"I'm Jessica Jung," Jessica smiled. "I texted you yesterday—"
"You're her." The girl's eyes were now raking up and down Jessica's figure.
"Yes I am. You must be Kim Taeyeon."
"Just call me Taeyeon." She swung the door wider, and gestured for Jessica to come in. She stepped into the girl's apartment, and the atmosphere there felt so different when she came in. There was a fireplace in the living room, with one wide dark purple sofa. The wall was full of sketches, drawings, and paintings. A guitar stood on the corner of the room. Taeyeon slipped into the kitchen, and Jessica observed her artworks.
"It's amazing. I can never draw like this." Jessica said while stroking her fingers on the surface of the papers. Taeyeon didn't answer, but after a minute or so, she came into the living room with two teacups. Jessica smiled, and Taeyeon sat on the sofa. The taller girl decided to sit down, too. She cleared her throat, and started speaking.
"You drew all of those?" Good. I'll start with something mild.
"Yeah." She only looked down to the carpet.
"Hmm, that's great. Why don't you try to publish those?" she asked gently.
"Nobody would notice me." Taeyeon said, looking more irritated. And so we start.
"You live here alone?"
Taeyeon raised an eyebrow. "I'm sure Tiffany told you some things about me."
"Not that much," Jessica said, and she played with the handle of her teacup. "But I would love to hear more from you." She smiled, and looked up. Her gaze met Taeyeon's, and it struck her heart.
It was true, what she saw in the photograph on the previous day. Taeyeon looked so fine on the outside, but once she met Jessica's eyes, everything was so different. She looked confused, depressed, and not alive enough. But in all of a sudden, Taeyeon smiled a small smile. Taeyeon looked like she realized that she had been smiling all along, and she returned to her expressionless face. Jessica tried again.
"If you like to sketch this much, you must have a sketchbook, then?" she asked. Taeyeon exhaled loudly, and stood up to find her sketchbook in the nearest cabinet. She handed the sketchbook to Jessica, and sat back on her sofa.
"I don't really sketch often." She said. "I only sketch if it is something worth to sketch." Jessica looked back at Taeyeon, and then smiled again. This time, Taeyeon didn't answer her smile.
She flipped through Taeyeon's sketchbook, and what Tiffany said was true. She had a very, very thick sketchbook, but she didn't draw anything. It was utterly blank. There were some tiny leftover papers on the inside of the sketchbook's spine. Taeyeon ripped the pages frequently, then.
"Do you have friends?" Jessica asked, rather abruptly. Taeyeon looked up, and she looked at Jessica thoroughly.
"Why do you even care?" Taeyeon's tone was quite sharp.
"Well, you can share everything with me." Jessica tried to smile again, but she was too tired. Not because of Taeyeon, but more because of her weak body. She tried to hold on. Jessica took a deep breath, and tried something new.
"If you only have 364 days to live, what would you do, Taeyeon?" She asked. Taeyeon still remained expressionless. There was something about Taeyeon's eyes that Jessica couldn't figure out.
"I don't know."
"Maybe you should spend it with someone you love. Surely you don't want to spend your days alone before you die." Jessica kept her tone gentle, but Taeyeon raised her eyebrows.
"No one cares about me. I don't even have friends." She said.
"From now on, I'll be your friend. I promise." Jessica smiled, and Taeyeon shook her head.
"No. People tend to break their promises."
"I won't."
"You haven't seen me in my worst form. When I loose my mind, you'll leave." Taeyeon said, and she took her sketchbook from Jessica's lap.
"No. I'll make sure you'll be fine."
"Look, we just met. I can't trust you. Neither can you to me. So let's just—" Jessica cut her words.
"I know you don't like your life. But that doesn't mean you have to be alone. I only have 364 days to live, and I am alone. You can trust me on this one. You won't like having a short live and being alone at the same time." Taeyeon's face changed from expressionless into full of empathy. Jessica cleared her throat. "Right. Sorry."
"No. Don't be sorry, Jess." Jessica's eyes widened not because of Taeyeon's apology, but Taeyeon just called Jessica "Jess". Whatever it was, Jessica stood up, and patted Taeyeon's shoulder.
"See you later, Taeyeon." She grabbed her bag, and exited the apartment. Sadly, when Jessica left, Taeyeon opened her sketchbook, ripped the first page, and began drawing. Jessica didn't notice that one.
Thanks to my super personal beta-reader, drapple5evur on tumblr. I love you girl.
And so that is the first chapter! I can't promise that I will publish the chapters every week because I'm really busy. Will update on my tumblr (sunflowersic), and also publish some snippets and stuffs. Once this fic is finished, I will provide the pdf version, and it'll include some of Taeyeon's sketches, Jessica's notes, etc!