All characters are owned by their respective companies.
Olivia Hayden, however is my OC.
Hi guys , this is Zachary Shields, and welcome back to Five Ways to Kill. Well, Christmas is right around the corner and I'm eager to get to some killing, and I'm sure you all are, so let's fire up the randomizer and see who will be next to die.
The randomizer activates. When it stops, The monitor reveals that it landed on:
Cupcakke and the Millionaires
The crowd, this time composed of their haters and parents, boos at the monitor.
Yes everyone. Today is my first double entrée episode! If you love good music, you are not going to get it from these three obscure abominations. For today's victims are CupcakKe and the Millionaires. Both are terrible artists for similar reasons:
CupcakKe undoubtedly, is the worst amateur rapper I've ever seen and is probably the most overrated amateur rapper on the internet. I mean seriously. The names of her mixtapes/albums are simply appalling. S.T.D.? As in "Sexually Transmitted Disease"?! Cum Cake?! That's disgusting! Also the names of her songs are even worse. Deepthroat?! Vagina?! Gross! To top it off, in terms of indecency, her songs take the cake. Just listen to Vagina! Anyway…
The Millionaires may seem promising at first. Their albums/mixtapes do have slightly better names. Bling Bling Bling! and Tonight do sound promising. However, when you see the names of the songs, that's when things go downhill. Talk Shit? Alcohol? That is just pitiful ladies. And the lyrics, don't get me started. I guess I am getting started. Let's play a little bit of Talk Shit to understand how terrible this duo(formerly trio) from Hell sounds….
Money, diamonds, gold & ice
Ya talk shit, you'll pay the price
Shut up cunt! I'll cut your tongue
Back down bitch, you're fuckin done.
Talk shit to us, you fuckin haters
You're the ones who fuckin made us
So shut your mouth, or I'll cut your tongue
Back down bitch, you're fuckin done.
Now that's pathetic. Why are they so terrible? This is because like 3OH!3 and BROKENCYDE, the Millionaires are a band that's part of the very obscure, very infamous, genre of music known as 'Crunk Core'. Crunk Core is basically dance music, combined with hip hop and metal vocals. Trust me, that subgenre of Electropop is one serious mess. To make matters worse Crunk Core bands have some of the most venomous fanbases, and with it, some of the most immature fans.
Also, before we get started, I would like to give a shoutout to Sai Kunai Blade, Insieme per la vittoria, Kill Boss 98, and Venom-Rules-All, for inspiring me to become a writer. I'd also like to thank Striker Mikazuki J and Jack vile Ripper for following and supporting my ongoing fanfiction, Doom DxD Remastered.
Finally, as this is the Christmas special, we're going to have a very special guest on this installment.
So with all that finally out of the way, let's get on with the Five Ways to Kill: CupcakKe and the Millionaires.
Number 5: Mutant Messiah Massacre
*in a futuristic New York…*
CupcakKe and the Millionaires are standing in an abandoned section of New York wearing winter attire. CupcakKe is shivering quite violently*, while the Millionaires sucking on genitalia shaped lollipops when suddenly a figure lands in front of them.
The figure was a female with long red hair that had tiny, fiery orange highlights.* She wore an insulated Kelly green bodysuit with a series golden yellow v symbols on the chest and one on each wrist. Finally, she is wearing a dull, brown cloak.
For this was the Mutant Messiah, The current host of the Phoenix Force, and the Daughter of Jean Grey herself: Hope Summers.
"Are you kidding me? I just have to take out these losers to get a trophy? This is too easy!"
Hope throws off her cloak revealing that she had a large rifle holstered onto her back. She unholsters the rifle and points it at the musical monstrosities. CupcakKe and the Millionaires step back in shock.
"Here, have some hot ions!"
With that, Hope pulls the trigger and a spray of plasma bolts strike the three wannabe musicians. When she is done CupcakKe is badly burned and the Millionaires are singed and both are missing an arm. Hope throws down the gun and leaps into the air. Hope begins to glow fiery orange and she spread her arms out and a forward moving arc of cosmic fire advances towards her targets once the flames have passed over CupcakKe and the Millionaires…
They are reduced to blackened skeletons.
Hope smiles.
"Hah! That was too easy!"
Number 4: It's Hammerfist Time!
*in the Yellow Zone of NYZ…*
CupcakKe and the Millionaires are standing on a four story tan building, covered in snow.* Standing in front of them is former U.S. Marine Sergeant, James Heller; The savior of NYZ and the second prototype.
"You overrated pieces of ass shit! CupcakKe, you got 85,535 dumbass subscribers that you didn't fucking deserve! You so-called Millionaires sold dozens of copies your shitty mixtapes to your asshole fanbase! The people, who deserve recognition, are the ones who put in any goddamn effort into their videos!
With that the material of his 'jacket's' sleeves began to melt, seeping across his arms, hardening into a thick black and red carapace. In place of his regular arms was a pair of armored, spiky monoliths.
"Now say hello to my hammerfists!"
Heller then Pulls back his hammerfists and slams them into the ground creating a line of jagged Blacklight spikes which send the amateurish musicians flying, and they land…
…right into the spikes below.
"They're dead. Good fucking riddance."
Number 3: Lucy's Ice Bonanza
*in New Marias*
CupcakKe and the Millionaires are carving ice into makeshift dildos.
"Are you sure this is a good idea, sis?"
"Yeah it is, Allie. Playing with snow and ice is fun-"
But before Mellissa could finish her sentence, a pair of large icicles struck them. The first one struck them…right where the sun don't shine. The second longer icicle pierced right through their mouths and out the nape of the necks. Suddenly a woman appeared out of a cloud of cold air. Her hands exhausted cooling winds and her eyes were an icy blue. She had blue eye shadow, and had very dark blue hair. This was former NSA agent, Lucy Kuo.
"Oh I agree with you. Playing with ice is a pretty fun pastime. Also, before you say anything…
..The ice is gonna break!"*
Number 2: Olivia's Atomic Revolution
*In an undisclosed building*
CupcakKe and the Millionaires are on their knees.
"Please don't let us go to hell!"
They are begging to a brunette, bespectacled girl wearing a tan Lab coat. This was Zenith College dropout, Olivia Hayden.
Unfortunately for them, their pleas fall on deaf ears as Olivia released cube of Tungsten, striking a sphere of Plutonium. Suddenly, a surge of blue light engulfs the room that CupcakKe and the Millionaires are in. When the light dissipates from the room…the musical monstrosities lay there, dead. Their eyes melted into their sockets. Their skin and organs incinerated.
Olivia smiles
"Sorry ladies. But People like you need to rot in Satan's playground."
Okay before we get to number one, let's do a recap on the four kills we've seen so far…
5. Incinerated by Hope Summers
4. Groundspiked by James Heller
3. Impaled with icicles by Lucy Kuo'
2. Participating in Olivia's "Inverted Demon Core" project
And now, here's the moment you've all been waiting for. Here is the number one way to kill CupcakKe and the Millionaires.
Number 1: Krampus is Coming to Town*
*in an icy forest*
CupcakKe and the Millionaires are seen standing in a cloud of fog when a tall figure approaches them. At first they believe it to be Santa when they initially see what appears to be his signature red coat. But when he was six feet away they got a good look at the figure and they knew…this was definitely not jolly old Kris Kringle.
The creature's red coat was more like a hoodie. He had pale, grayish skin, a hideous face with long, sharp teeth and red eyes.
He was the shadow of St. Nicholas.
He was the one who dragged the naughtiest of souls to hell on Christmas Eve.
He was…Krampus.
The three wannabe musicians took a step back.
"CupcakKe and the Millionaires? You're on my list, tonight..."
Krampus then lets out a mix of a bleating of a goat and the roar of a demon. The provocative performers scream in terror. Suddenly, from the mist emerges an evil looking robot, who then slashes Allison in the chest at a 90˚ angle before it ties a chain around her body. His three gingerbread men, Lumpy, Dumpy, and Clumpy, leaps onto Melissa and stabs her several times with sharpened candy canes before standing her and tying her up in a chain alongside her sister. Next, two of Krampus' elves charge towards Cupcakke and break her leg and she then receives the same treatment as the Millionaires. Finally, Krampus pulls something out of his left sleeve: his own chain, and attached to the end is a razor-sharp sickle. He walked up to CupcakKe and the Millionaires, pulled back his arm and…
SHWING!
A few seconds later, the girls' heads slid off their shoulders.
"And stay dead, you törichten huren."*
And that 's the five ways to kill CupcakKe and the Millionaires. I would like to thank James Heller, Lucy Kuo, Olivia Hayden, Hope Summers, and Krampus, for participating in this episode. You got your Kill Trophies and your presents. Is there anything you would like to say before the show ends?
"Yeah. CupcakKe and the Millionaires fail at life and make some of the worst kinds of songs."
"I'll say Olivia. They deserved each and every one of their deaths for their grossly inappropriate antics. Not helped by the fact that they can't even use a keytar."*
"All I have to say is try to avoid their shitty-ass music. Instead, support artists and or bands like Eminem, Chris Daughtry, Linkin Park, Michael Bublé, and all others who put in more effort than those talentless sluts."
"All that is left to say is that we wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New Year young man."
Well, if that's all you have to say, then that concludes this special edition episode of Five Ways to Kill! I'll see you next time, but until then, this is Zachary Shields, signing off.
Author's notes/ Trivia:
That's right. This is the first installment of Five Ways to Kill with Author's Notes/ Trivia
*CupcakKe was shivering because of her inappropriate attire. In this case aside from her winter jacket , she was wearing a pair of daisy dukes, sneakers, and a pair of pasties. This is my middle finger to CupcakKe and the only music video of her's that I listened to: Vagina.
*I added those orange highlights to Hope's hair to make her hair more fiery looking.
*Just so you know Heller, CupcakKe and the Millionaires were standing on the same building that Heller encountered the 'Bio-Bomber' in Prototype 2. (I hope I nailed the Sergeant's personality.)
*For those who don't know Lucy Kuo, referenced the movie The Dead Zone. Since GSTSuperworld87 did it on his Christmas special of Five Ways to Kill, I decided to do it too here.
*That's right, ladies and gentlemen. Krampus was my guest of honor for this special installment.
*Since Krampus was European in origin, I thought it would be appropriate that he would be fluent in Geman. Also, 'törichten huren' means 'foolish whores', in German.
*Finally, yes, the Millionaires do use a keytar in some of their songs. What a waste of a decent instrument.
So that's it. I hope you enjoyed this episode of Five Ways to Kill.
Happy holidays, everyone!