Next Time, Do More Investigating
Adapted from Patton Oswalt's 'orgy' bit, not claiming ownership of it, simply making what I hope is a funny story from it.
Two years since Hawke drove the Qunari out of Kirkwall, and the city had done little more than find new things to hate. Namely the mages. Since they'd met that terrible night she'd found another friend in the First Enchanter. He shared her views on mages and magic without being as zealous as Anders, or as flippant as Varric, or as naive as Merrill. He reminded her of her father in some ways, always caring and kind to those around him; always trying to make the best of his lot in life.
She'd have liked to talk with him everyday but he often didn't have the time. That and coming to visit him meant running into the Knight-Commander. Meredith was one of those rare people that always, always rubbed Hawke the wrong way. Even when they met, the one time they were really on the same side, Hawke wanted to punch her ever-sour face in. But today she was excited to talk to Orsino and was hoping that would be a balm to whatever irritation the Knight-Commander would rouse.
As she arrived at the Gallows a smile tugged at her cheeks. For all its grim posing the old prison was a bustling village, full of constant noise and activity. Hawke's smile only grew as she heard the shop owners complaining about the lack of buyers for a certain item, the scurrying of all the young magelings playing in the courtyard, the exasperated calls of their care takers, the rustling and banging of goods being loaded and unloaded. The smell of the midday meal wafted out from the kitchens and Hawke heard one young mage's stomach growl as he passed her. She giggled as he slapped his own abdomen.
She made her way past Sol and the tranquil enchanter and stepped up towards the Templar Hall. She rapped on the gate and a heavily armored Templar stepped around the corner.
"I'm here to…"
"See the First Enchanter. Hawke, from now on just announce yourself."
She could just see the man's eye roll as he opened the portcullis. Several mages and Templars were milling about the Hall, far more than usual. Hawke simply brushed by them, up to the door to the west wing. She thought Orsino would be in his office and was about to knock when a female Enchanter called to her.
"Oi! He's in his rooms, just go up, he's expecting you!"
Just as Hawke turned to look at the woman, she saw the Knight-Commander stalking down the hall, looking even more sour than usual and practically knocking over mage and Templar alike to get to her office. Hawke decided to simply walk by and nod rather than risk talking to her. Thankfully Meredith didn't say a word to her, but as she passed Hawke caught a whiff of something very strange.
"What was that?" she muttered.
Meredith apparently heard her because she stopped short and whirled around to glare at Hawke.
"Knight-Commander?" Hawke nodded politely again.
Meredith glared a moment longer and then waved both hands at her; then double-timed it into her office, slamming the door behind her. Hawke shrugged and continued to Orsino's rooms. Hawke was a strong woman but the steep, small steps of the Gallows never failed to best her. How the frail looking elf managed to make the climb multiple times everyday was a mystery to her.
Finally she got to the secluded suite and rapped on the door. She heard quick footsteps on stone and it flew open. Again she was hit by that weird smell and Orsino seemed as perturbed as Meredith had been.
"Hawke, I'm a bit embarrassed but I'm glad you're here."
"I…was looking forward to seeing you," she stepped in as he bade her, "Something happened didn't it?"
Orsino nodded, almost violently.
"Meredith, something to do with apostates?" Hawke asked.
Orsino locked the door, rubbed his face and headed straight to the next door. His private apartments had two areas, one he kept more as a library and second office, and the other half he actually lived in. Hawke felt a little bad whenever she saw his living arrangements. They weren't run down they were simply cramped. His rather plush bed was stuffed against the windowed wall, flanked by bookcases, his table ate up a large portion of the room in front of the tiny fireplace, and what passed as his washroom was simply an alcove cordoned off with curtains.
To his credit he did try to give it homely touches. His windows were the only ones in the Gallows with curtains, and including the larger ones were embroidered with Dalish designs. Somehow he'd gotten his hands on a velvet duvet, and it covered his bed in rich crimson. A few well cared for rugs dotted the floors and everything was always spotless. Orsino offered her a seat, then darted behind the washroom curtain.
"For give me but I was hoping I'd have a bit more time to get decent again." He said. She heard the rustling of wool and silk as he undressed. A silhouette was made clear by the candle light behind him. Hawke focused her eyes on the fire.
"You're worrying me Orsino, what exactly happened?"
He groaned, and she glanced up to the silhouette to see him throw his head back.
"To begin, Meredith sees blood magic everywhere these days." The frustration and annoyance in his voice was almost palpable, "and she is so eager to do away with blood mages and prove her paranoia right that she neglects to properly investigate a claim."
Hawke was a bit confused. It sounded like Meredith had dragged him along to attack a nest of malifercarum but things had gone badly. If so, what was that smell? She recognized it but couldn't place it, it wasn't blood that was certain, it was body odor of some kind but not the 'normal' kind.
"I've been meaning to ask…"
"Ah yes, the smell." Orsino's voice raised a notch and she heard him throwing his clothes into a corner. That man never threw anything.
"Well, after dragging me out of my office in front of my Senior Enchanters and regaling me with speech after speech on the infestation of blood mages in Kirkwall all the way to Lowtown, we arrived at the house in question…" a small laugh escaped him, she heard a slap as he put his palms to his face.
"If not blood mages, then what?"
Orsino laughed a little harder.
"We interrupted an orgy." He said that like it was as common a saying as 'What is in the Hanged Man's stew today?'
There was a long, long moment of silence.
"What?" Hawke finally managed.
"We interrupted an orgy!" She wasn't sure if Orsino was finding this amusing or irritating. Probably both.
"The person who filed the complaint said that large numbers of people gathered in the house on the same night every week." The silhouette grew faint as he moved away to his washbasin. She heard very vigorous scrubbing and splashing as he talked.
"The Knight-Commander seemingly neglected to do the proper investigating into said gathering and simply rushed out to put it down."
He paused a moment and gathered himself.
"When he got to the house, the Templars were polite enough to knock. Just when they'd decided to break in, a man answered the door. He was the perhaps the hairiest human I have ever seen, and he was wearing nothing but the shortest dressing robe I have ever seen. We were all lucky we didn't get an unwanted sighting of his package. "
Hawke snorted and squeezed her eyes shut. It was funny but it also brought back some unsavory memories of her time in Uncle Gamlen's house.
"Well, he immediately knows he's in serious trouble, and tries to write off what he's doing by launching in to a story about 'How some friends came by' but as soon as he said the word 'by' a wave of sex fumes came rolling out of that house."
Hawke was equally repulsed and amused by that.
"Ugh." She groaned.
"Exactly," the silhouette pointed at her. "We smell it, he sees that we have smelled it and the 'social contract' kicks in. He says 'Would you like to search the house' and…" Orsino walked back up to the curtain, gesturing like he was laying out words, "in invisible parentheses (because you did not just catch me fucking dozens of people) and Meredith says 'Yes we would like to search your house' parentheses (because in no way did I just catch you fucking dozens of people)."
Hawke burst out laughing at that and Orsino went back to his washbasin and started scrubbing again.
"So Meredith, her dozen Templars, myself and two mages wander into this; this… ungodly forest of cocks and labias, "Hawke's laughter intensified, "there are furs and blankets all over the floor and people are scattering before us. The poor Templars are half heartily searching discarded clothing, and catching the slower ones but its obvious there's nothing to find here but body fluids and venereal diseases. "
"Oh, I'm sorry, that is awful." Hawke said once she got her breath back.
"Oh, oh, that's not all." Orsino said with a hint of venom.
"This busty Antivan girl, who I could only assume was the man's wife or girlfriend, or concubine…eh, whatever she was she came out of a back room tying a robe and saying something like 'The cleaning lady did not come by'." Orsino stuttered and slapped his forehead a few times. "Of all the things to claim when Templars, the Knight-Commander and the First Enchanter interrupt your orgy, that's what she came up with."
"Well of course," Hawke said with a wide smile, "Everyone knows the sixth night of the week is orgy night. Bring three buckets!"
Orsino snickered a bit at that then began washing his face, talking through his scrubbing.
"After we ran into her, this young blonde kid… ech I have no idea why he was there, I think he was recruited from the Hanged Man last minute to fill in for someone. Well he got dressed in whatever was in the room he was hiding in, which incidentally was a woman's skirt and a huge poufy (Orlesian from the look) tunic. The thing hung off him like a high dragon's hide on a wyvern."
"With no one saying anything to him he announces 'Well everyone I'm leaving' which ensures that everyone watches as he climbs the wall and proceeds to walk into the old mining tunnels."
Hawke started laughing again.
"And the Templars just watch him go! Just let the kid wander down into Darktown!"
Orsino dipped a sponge into the water and squeezed it out over his head. He rubbed his hair and wet it again, then grabbed a cloth and smoothed it back. He dried his face and torso quickly and stepped over to his small armoire. His tone softened a bit; he was glad to finally be clean.
"Well after the kid wandered off we finally finished 'searching' the house, arrested no one, and got out of there quick as we could. "
"Did the Knight-Commander…"
"Wait" the silhouette held up finger, "we spent 15 minutes in the house, we were 10 minutes away when one of my mages suddenly says out loud 'I think all those people were having sex'."
Hawke held back a laugh. The Circle mages were notoriously over sheltered, but that was a whole new level of naiveté.
"I could not stop myself. I turned back to her and nearly yelled in the middle of the street 'Really? We just spent 15 minutes in a fog bank of twat mist, we are going back to burn our clothes and take a scalding bath, and you just now figured that out?'."
Hawke couldn't hold back the laughter after he said 'twat mist'. She wouldn't normally laugh at something so crude but it just sounded so funny coming out of Orsino's mouth, Orsino who she could have sworn never so much as thought about sex let alone talked about it.
Orsino quickly pulled on trousers and put on a lighter set of robes, and finally emerged from behind the curtain. He'd scrubbed his face so hard the pumice had left him a bit raw, his hair was still wet and a little mussed, and his robes were on haphazardly and only 80% done up but he looked much more comfortable. He sat down with Hawke and slowly tied his robe up.
"Hawke, would you do me a monumental favor?"
"What do you need?" she was still giggling a little.
"An escape. Isn't there a ball or social of some kind dedicated to you this month?"
"Two in fact." The De Launcets and the Byrons had been fighting over the honor of hosting so much Hawke had elected to appease both and subject herself to two parties.
"Please, if at all possible please send me a invitation. I need to get out of here for an evening. "
"And I assume you'd like to be among people who won't talk of blood magic or orgies."
Orsino sighed.
"If I really have to choose between the two subjects, I'll pick the orgies. At least you get to have some real pleasure in them." He stared out his barred window for a few moments before snapping back to reality.
"Are you hungry? The cooks made seafood stew today and I heard the shellfish was fresh for once." The forced smile on his face said he was desperate to talk of anything normal.
"Starved. Let's go."
As they walked down through the Gallows chatting of unimportant things, they passed the Knight-Commander again. She ignored them and kept at her brisk pace, her cheeks flushed. As she walked a young Templar wrinkled her nose.
"Knight-Commander, what is that smell on you?"
Orsino and Hawke both held in snorts and snickers and rushed down the hall, leaving the Templar endure Meredith's embarrassed rage.