Title: My Alabaster Box
Rating: T
Pairing: Castle/Beckett
Disclaimer: I own not a scratch, or a stitch or sign/ of Andrew Marlowe's grand design./The world of Castle to him belong/I just rent it out to sing my song.
Author's Note: I'm a poet by nature. Not really something I make public, since poetry writing's deeply personal to me. That's pretty much a form of diary writing for me, and the stuff just comes to me when it happens. So, much to my surprise, when I started composing my "magnum opus" of a Castle fic that I will eventually put up (which won't be for awhile, because I want to actually write it and finish it before I put it up; I have a bad habit of leaving things incomplete, and that's not fair to anyone. Plus, I hand write a lot, and this one is becoming a handwriting piece of work...), the words, "But in this heart of alabaster, I'm falling hard and falling faster" decided to pop up. That turned into a poem, and that created one sweet shot of Castle and Beckett in Season 4. Look up the word "alabaster" in Wikipedia and you'll see how cool this idea was for me.

And side note, yes, I do write the disclaimer poems. I do that for kicks and giggles.

And I do wish to thank every single person who has felt the desire to review my work and find it good, bad, ugly, or downright warm and fuzzy. Y'all make this Castle fanatic feel so blessed. Thank you very much!

Please read and review to your heart's content!

Summary: So many things are under the surface. So many things under the skin. But I can't tell you any of them, because it's hard for me to let you in. (Castle/Beckett; Season 4, post "Cuffed")

Another day, another case, another mystery solved. Good stories never got old to her, never failed to stir some sort of feeling of pride, of accomplishment, like she made a difference in the world. Making sense of all the pieces once someone's perfect world had shattered was something like sleepwalking through the haze and coming out in the sunshine. Things fell into patterns, rhythms and rhymes and once you stopped stumbling over them when you find them, fit the right fragments into the right places, it all worked out in the end. So many stories didn't have a happy ending; half of the time, she was able to provide one, and that always seemed to outweigh a handful of dark tales. One of the positive ones balanced out ten of the negatives.

Hayley Pierce's last known associates slipped themselves into file folders, evidence catalogued and accounted for, Kate gripped the foam eraser and started making the words on the murder board disappear. Just like that, the battle was over. The good guys won, and one small voice in the world was finally laid to rest. A small victory in the never-ending war, but she could enjoy this one small amount of peace that she had made a difference.

She could feel more than see the ever comforting presence of Richard Castle, his baby blues trained on her backside with an almost childlike amusement. By backside, she knew it was her actual back, not her rear end, but then again, she wouldn't put it past him to notice that as well. That was ok though; he'd been around long enough, he'd earn the right. And it wasn't like she didn't like the attention anyway.

I feel your eyes watching me,

Trying to crack what you can't see.

But I'm not ready to open yet,

Can't shake the fear I yearn to forget.

"Beckett?" He paused, a hitch in his words, and she glanced his way and raised an eyebrow, waiting a few moments for him to continue. "I've… been thinking."

"'Thinking like a normal person' thinking, or 'plotting like an evil mastermind' thinking? Because one is bad for you, and one is bad for me."

"Ha, ha, funny, ha. You know, you could start a comedy act with jokes like that."

"Why do I need that? I got you and the whole precinct to amuse. What do I need a stage for?" Castle smirked, clearly enjoying their banter. Kate packed the rest of the completed case file in the filing box and shut the lid; before she could protest, he slipped his fingers in the side holes and hoisted it to his chest. "I could've gotten that."

"Could've, would've, didn't."

"How gentlemanly of you. Thanks, Castle."

His blue eyes smiled at her, speeding up her heartbeat just a slight staccato faster. "Always." Their steps echoed side by side; his normally were a bit faster, but he adjusted his gait to walk beside her. That was sweet, really sweet.

She wished she said more than just "thanks" sometimes. Billions of things raced through her mind, but not a single one of them felt right to say. She still had so much to sift through and to filter out anything but "thanks" seemed too fast, too soon, to sudden, too… wrong. Well, not wrong; maybe too forward? Too blunt? Too chaotic? Nothing seemed to fit at the moment.

Not to mention his "I love you" complicating things more because she not only had to think of her own feelings, but his now too. It was like the elephant in the room that nobody wanted to talk about but everyone knew was there. And the closer he got, the more mixed up she felt.

I crack the lid and you peak in,

Slip under the mask, under the skin.

But the person I am is shut up tight,

Because of the monsters I see at night.

"Kate? Hungry?"

"Huh?" She'd almost forgotten he was there.

"Where'd you go? Back to Venus or something?"

She was thinking planet Mars, but that wasn't what she really wanted to tell him. "Nah, thought I'd go daytripping in some exotic location where I don't have to hear you talking about how Nikki Heat escaped a trash compactor with only her fingernail file and a pair of tweezers."

Castle grinned, walked into the case closed files and dropped the box off at the "closed" officer's desk, nodding and two-finger saluting him with his right hand. "Thanks," he said, and turned around to glance back at her. "Oh come on, you love it when I monologue about your alter ego."

"I think the only reason why you do is to boost yours."

"Beckett, I am appalled that you think so little of me!"

"Oh come on, Castle. Really? Oldest trick in the book, and I don't write!"

He shrugged. "Ok, maybe, but you can't deny that Nikki is at least a little bit flattering to you. I mean, she's smart, sexy, flirty, knows what she wants. She's like you, yet not like you…" he stopped, and she could see the wheels turning in his head. "I mean… ok, let me get my thoughts back on track."

"Back on track? They derailed. Years ago."

And back to the desk they went. "Come on, Beckett. You have to admit, Nikki's a lot like you, and she knows how to have fun."

"And I don't?"

"Well, loosening up hasn't exactly been your strong suit lately." He bit his tongue. "Though you are getting better. I mean, you're better than you were, not going to lie."

She glared at him, not sure whether to be amused or disappointed. "There's a lot going on, Rick. It's not like I'm not trying. I just have a lot to do, and a lot to figure out. Things won't get solved overnight. I need a little time to process things."

There's more that I tend to leave behind,

I can't loosen up, relax, or unwind.

Now's not the time, or the place, or the way,

For me to say what I've wanted to say.

Kate's breath caught a little at the slight of his touch, grazing her shoulder in the lightest of sensations. "I know, it's just… Sometimes I feel like you're trying so hard to figure things out that you lose sight of why you're doing it. And sometimes, if you're waiting for things to get better and figure things out, you miss out on all that life's got to offer."

Her hazel-eyed gaze worked him over, trying to find some sort of retort to that, but surprisingly, she came up empty. That stonewalled her, and the more she tried to respond, the more blocked she became. Was she doing the right thing at all, trying to sort out her feelings and getting herself right first, before anything? Was getting it together causing her to miss out? If she took the risk, took the chance, then what? What would happen?

But in this heart of alabaster,

I'm falling hard and falling faster.

And no hand nor ear nor eye,

Can break the love that I deny.

If Romeo loved Juliet,

When he hadn't even met her yet,

How much more will you and me,

Love each other exceedingly?

No. This… this wasn't the way. The more she thought, the more her stomach tied itself in knots. No, not the way, not for her, not now… not for him too. He deserved more than that. And so did she.

And this, this alone I cannot quell,

But this alone I cannot tell.

"Castle, I'm sure that somehow, everything will work out alright. But all this stuff with Mom, and Montgomery… the shooting. It's too much. I have to deal with all of that, get through it all, before I can move on with my life. Before I'm good enough for anyone or anything positive."

"You've always been good enough, Kate."

"But I want to be better." She smiled back at him, and pulled her jacket from the back of her chair. "There's nothing in the world that I want more than to be better. To be in a better place with everything, and to get there, I have to get through it. Ok? Now, what do you think I'm thinking?"

Castle stared back at her, trying to read her like the books he wrote. "…Chinese. Lo mein and a side of spring rolls."

She shook her head and laughed. "Guess getting kicked out of all those places of higher education did nothing for your nonverbal communication skills."

"Ok. Italian. There's this new bistro that opened up on South Washington that I think you'd die to try. We can get a table with reservations at Vino's, or pizza?"

"Race you to the car."

"You serious?" He paused, then looped his arm around hers and walked her to the door, pleased as punch. "Nah. I'd rather just escort you out. I'm getting too old to be running after every pair of legs I see. Especially yours, if I recall. Yours are killer in a pinch."

She blushed a few shades red, probably more than she wanted to. "Shut up, Castle."

There's part of me that wants to trust,

In something more, something just.

And I'm waiting for you to break the spell,

Before fear takes me and I repel.

All I want is your arms to hold me tight,

To have and to hold, and to kiss good night.

I just can't speak the words I know,

Or display the love that I want to show.

"As long as you let me drive."

"…Like that's ever going to happen. Oh, and Castle?"

He looked down at her. "Yeah?"

"Thanks for being my partner."

"Always."

But in this heart of alabaster,

I'm falling hard and falling faster.