a/n: i promise i'm working to update my other story, but a whole other plotline came crashing into me and i've been working on that, and i've been busy working and going to nyc for spacetour and god i am the worst? so i wrote a short drabble. but i'd expect an update by the end of the day, i promise.
Blaine knew he shouldn't have been there. Kurt was home, having crashed early after another grueling day at his job over at Alexander McQueen, probably content in thinking that Blaine was in the other room, perhaps out for a walk if he even awoke and noticed his disappearance.
Instead, Blaine was watching Rachel perform, again, which he supposed on the surface wasn't a bad thing. And in the grand scheme of things, this would be the most innocent of their visits, at least in the past years. Painful and full of heartache, sure, but innocent.
Blaine had struggled over this decision for so long, to end things with Rachel or to end things with Kurt. And he knew he was taking the easy way out again, knew that Kurt was the safe choice. But leaving the stable relationship he had been building since high school seemed terrifying, to have to admit everything out loud was one of his biggest fears. "There's a reason I'm kept a secret," Rachel had told him once, and he had felt horrible at her words even if she said she understood why. They never discussed what it was they were doing, though sometimes, before he drifted off into a comfortable sleep next to her, he would hear her whisper a quiet 'I love you,' to him.
He could never bring himself to say the words back, though they both knew he felt the same.
As the musical let out, the actors taking their bows, Blaine headed out the door, wringing his playbill in hand as he walked towards her dressing room-no one questioned it anymore, they knew who he was, why he was there.
She looked radiant when she stumbled into her room a few minutes later, always had after performing, grin easy and large as she spotted him. "I didn't know you were coming tonight," she said, though her smile started to slip when she focused in on him. He could see himself in the mirror behind her, how grim he looked, how he couldn't even fake a smile for her sake right now.
"You were fantastic," he said instead, pressing a small kiss to the side of her head, knowing that it would be the last. He took a deep breathe, the words tumbling out before he could stop them. "We have to stop."
"Stop?" She asked, sitting down on the stool in front of her table, looking up at him in confusion.
"With us, with what-with the sleeping together," he mumbled, and when he glanced at her, at the tears starting to gather that he knew she'd fight off for as long as possible.
"Why?" came her simple request, and he figured she deserved that, deserved to know why he was ending the best thing he had had in recent years.
"Because there's no way for any of this to end well, and if Kurt gets hurt-"
"What if I get hurt?" She accused, her voice tiny. "What's the difference between Kurt finding out now and Kurt finding out three days ago?"
"All of us deserve better than this Rach," he tried, and she just scoffed.
"You mean like how Kurt deserves someone who loves him and won't cheat on him? How I deserve someone who doesn't keep me a secret?"
"Yes," Blaine replied miserably.
"We don't care about what we deserve, Blaine, we want you." He looked away from her, trying to resist the urge to hold her as her voice broke, as a tear slipped out unintentionally. "Don't you- don't you still love me?"
It was so quiet, barely more than a peep, but Blaine had become so used to hearing every noise that came out of her mouth. And even though it was going to break his heart as well as hers, he looked her straight in the eye, lying with a simple "No."
She let the tears fall freely now, and he stood up, pacing as she collapsed in on herself, feeling more pain than he thought imaginable. He wanted to fix this, to fix her, but knew she would have to do it on her own. He knew she was stronger than she led on, that she would get over this. That years from now, she'd barely think of what they had together, when she found someone who could love her publically in all the ways she needed. That person wasn't him, it wasn't ever going to be him. He was doing the best thing he could by letting her go, by breaking her heart now.
"Get out," she said after a minute, and he opened his mouth to retort before remembering this is what he needed. For her to hate him so much that he couldn't go crawling back to her, despite how much he wanted too, and god he already wanted to.
"I'm-" he started, but she shook her head, pointing towards the door, and he nodded, leaving her behind.
He didn't let his own pain take him over until he got on the subway, heading for his own apartment with his boyfriend, with his choice.