Comment: This story is about Hinamori, overcoming her past. No pairings, just her.
I want to thank starlight3395 for being such an amazing beta reader. Thank you so much deary , for finding the time to read and correct my story :)
Also, a big thank you goes to sociopathic dreams, for your advices and useful comments. I hope Shinji is not too OOC, I have changed him a bit to make him fit the story, sorry XD
Thank you both. This story is dedicated to you.
Thanks
It was a hot day of autumn and Hinamori Momo was coming back from a long paper work day in her office. She entered her rooms and after a short shower she wore a simple white kimono, prepared a cup of tea before sitting in her favourite place near the window.
The sun was still up in the sky, for those are the days in autumn where instead of cold, the weather suddenly changes and returns to summer weather. A little smile started forming on her face. She liked summer, and liked to think that these days in October are the goodbye the year gives to summer. Oh, she loves summer, the warmth of the sun, the cicadas calling, the long sunny days. When they were little Hitsugaya teased her because of this. He liked winter, the coldness, the snow, the ice. Now that she thinks about it, it makes sense. Her Zanpakuto is Tobiume, the fire her element, her soul. Hitsugaya has Hyourinmaru, the strongest water-ice type Zanpakuto in the Shinigami world. Since they were children, they unconsciously knew it, knew where they belonged. She to the fire, he to the ice. That was probably why they are so different, yet they became friends. Someone told her once that opposites attract, and she wondered if that was the case.
A sudden movement wakes her from her thoughts and a hell butterfly enters the room with a message from the 10th division lieutenant. Matsumoto is having a party for the nomination of the new 13th division lieutenant, Kuchiki Rukia. Matsumoto is always able to find an excuse to celebrate wildly and Hinamori has no doubt that half of the lieutenants would end up drunk at the end of the party. She would have to ask her captain if she could finish work early tomorrow and go help Matsumoto with preparations. She is sure he wouldn´t mind it, her Captain is very kind despite the crazy attitude.
She went to him today, to give him the weekly reports of her division. He listed them carefully. His eyebrows were low in concentration. When he finished he raised his look on her, his lips trembling:
"Hi-Hina-chan… you´re wonderful" he then jumped and hugged her "T-taichou, w-what are you doing?" He was now crying tears filled with joy. "This is beautiful, I wonder how the Soul Society worked before when you weren´t here, I never saw such well done work. Most lieutenants just care about strength and forget their office duty. HINA-CHAN YOU´RE BEAUTIFUL!". She couldn´t help but laugh at that. That was her Shinji captain. Aizen would have praised her work, making her blush and wanting to do even better. Shinji taichou didn´t have that warm smile Aizen had, or his perfection. But Shinji made her laugh with his craziness, and his moods. But that wasn´t all. For Shinji taichou was a great listener too, and the two of them shared something that bonded them, a bruise in their past that made them understand and trust each other.
Yeah she remembers that day.
It hadn´t been long since she had awoken from her coma and many people had come to visit her. She was glad they did and thanked everyone. She was now able to smile again, but deep inside, she was scared. The fourth division treated her well and she was healing fast. She struggled to go outside, to see the sky, to run, to jump, to eat as much as she wanted, to go see her friends. But she was also scared. A long time had passed, and many things in the Seireitei had changed. She had been away for too long, and wasn´t in charge of the fifth division anymore. If she ever went out from the Fourth Division, would there be a place for her?
One day, Kotetsu Isane came inside, behind her a figure she couldn´t recognize: "Hinamori-san, you have another visitor."
The figure came in. She could see him clearly now. It was a man with a weird haircut and a captain´s haori. Isane left and closed the door leaving the two alone. The man spoke:
"Hinamori Momo, may I present myself. I am Shinji Hirako… the new captain of the Fifth Division."
That declaration didn´t surprise her much. Soul Society needed captains and it was only a matter of time until they would choose a new captain. She didn´t feel anything really, and that surprised her a bit. She remembered how her old self would never accept someone to take Aizen´s place. She wondered if the man knew about her story, if he knew he didn´t show it.
"Ah… then, I´m pleasant to meet you. " Her voice broke down. What was she supposed to say?
Shinji Hirako lowered his gaze: " You know…" and then he looked her, straight in the eyes. "Long ago… I was Aizen´s captain."
That struck her. She didn´t expect that. That man… Aizen´s Captain?
He began to tell her his story. She listened to it, she listened to this man being betrayed the same way she had been and then she spoke too. It was the first time that she was able to talk to someone freely about Aizen. When he left she watched him go and felt something she had never felt before with any of her other visitors. Comprehension. They both thought they knew Aizen well. They spent a long time with him. And though for Shinji, Aizen didn´t have the same meaning as he did for her, they had both been betrayed the same way.
He visited her again other times, and she enjoyed talking to him. He might have looked a bit weird but he was a good listener. They spoke mostly about Aizen, and the more she talked about it, the more she felt better, the more she felt like she was letting it go. It was a nice feeling.
She was now almost completely healed. In a week she would be leaving the Fourth Division, for where, she didn´t know. That day Shinji came and instead of sitting in the chair near her bed like he had been doing the other times, he stood straight in front of her bed, bowed deeply, and then looked her straight in the eyes:
"Hinamori- san. I have a big favour to ask you. Would you like to return being 5th Division lieutenant?"
Those words struck her. Being asked by a captain to become his lieutenant was rather unusual, and she didn´t expect it. She had been away for a long time now and expected to be replaced by someone as a lieutenant. There were many good officers in her and the other divisions who aimed for a lieutenant title, And there he was, asking her to become his lieutenant.
He must have seen the confusion in her eyes, and decided to let her think over it a bit, he would come back the next day to receive her answer.
She didn´t sleep that night. Instead she sat in her bed and watched the wall in front of her. Her mind in complete chaos. Of course she wanted her title back. She had promised herself she would do everything she could to become stronger, so that she would never have to see the pain in Hitsugaya's eyes, the sadness in her friends and the pity in her comrades. She wanted to prove herself of being able to take care of herself and protect her friends so that no one would hurt them again.
That was not what stopped her from accepting Shinji`s offer. He was a good man and she was sure he would make a good captain. It was something else… Something, someone, she had to deal with before she was completely able to move on. Aizen.
She can clearly remember the night when he saved her and her friends from the Hollows. He then came to her and congratulated her for her courage, stating that she would make a great shinigami. Those words remained stuck in her mind. Back then when she lived in Rukongai, the figure of a Captain of Seireitei, was the closest thing to a god they had, and at the academy, they were seen as all mighty figures. To think that one Captain came and talked to her, patted her head, congratulated her was astonishing.
When she entered the Academy, she just wanted to give her best, not really thinking of her place in Seireitei. But now, now that a Captain, and not just any Captain, but one of the strongest ones, congratulated her, something woke up inside of her mind. The desire for power. Yes, she wanted to hear Captain´s Aizen´s words again, and again. She started training harder. She became the best in her class at demon arts, she became faster and thanks to Renji and Hisagi, her sword skills drastically improved too.
She got accepted in to the Gotei 13 with one of the highest grades of the year and was placed in 5th Division. She felt like she couldn´t ask for nothing more from life until Aizen came to her and said:
"I always knew you would make it. Congratulations, Hinamori." And smiled with that sincere smile that made her heart beat faster. He remembered her name.
From that point, her ascent to the highest rankings in 5th Division was fast. She soon surpassed both Kira and Renji (who were then both sent to different divisions), and became lieutenant before them both.
She was now the second seated in her division, immediately under Aizen, obeying only to his orders, and she couldn´t ask anything more from her life. Those days had been pure happiness. Her captain became her only reason that guided her through the day.
She didn´t train that hard anymore, unlike her friends that aimed for the Captain´s seat she wanted to stay under Aizen forever.
She knew Shinigami´s world was cruel, a world of death, of never ending fights. Her kind soul sometimes felt overwhelmed by this. But then she turned her gaze to Aizen´s face and he smiled back at her. His smile had the miraculous power to make her feel safe again, telling her that she didn´t need to worry, for everything would be alright as long as he is here with her. In his presence, she didn´t think about what was right and what was wrong, because he always knew what was better, what was right. Only he knew how to make sense to a world she sometimes hardly understood.
She admired him deeply. An admiration that devoted her life completely to him. She loved him as she would have loved a father, for a father he was to her. Always worrying about her, always taking care of her. He was so big, so strong, so caring. She tried her best not to disappoint him. Worked hard to meet her duty as a lieutenant. And he would always congratulate with her, pat her head and say: "Good job, Hinamori."
This all ended on that day when she found his dead body. Her memories of the days after that were confusing. She hadn't had full control over her mind back then. In fact, she couldn't even really believe that Aizen was dead. When she read his letter, telling that Hitsugaya was his murderer she mistrusted her eyes. Not completely believing that her childhood friend murdered her beloved captain. Yet, she couldn't just wait there, so she went looking for Hitsugaya, if not to confront him, to just do something. She foolishly thought it was all some kind of a horrible nightmare and when she finally woke up her captain would be there telling her again that everything would be alright. This was probably the reason why when Ichimaru took her to where Aizen was, and she saw him, she didn't feel shocked and didn't ask herself why in the hell he was alive when everyone, her included, saw his corpse. She just sighed in relief, knowing for sure that now that Captain Aizen was there again, her nightmare had finally come to an end.
But her nightmare was far from ending. He stabbed her and from that moment on, she lost her touch with reality. To think about it now was too hard. She had had nightmares full of blood and death. Sometimes she would be the one to die, sometimes she would be the one to kill, but every time it ended with death. She arrived at the moment where she couldn´t tell anymore what was reality and what was not.
But somehow, with the help of her friends, she managed to recover. It had been hard, the worst time in her life, and she wouldn´t forget it until she breathed. But she survived it, and when Gotei 13 headed to war, she did not want to stay back. She told herself that it was a matter of pride. She had left the 5th Division in chaos, and if it wasn´t for Hitsugaya helping out, it could have been worse. She felt so ashamed when she finally came back to her division, knowing that she had failed as a lieutenant. But her comrades greeted her with warmth and she cried tears of joy at their welcoming. They didn´t hate her, they pitied her. A feeling that almost everyone in Soul Society shared towards her. It hurt, and she wanted to amend it, by proving to her comrades, to her friends, to herself that Aizen didn´t break her.
But deep inside she knew there was another reason, perhaps even more important, to why she joined the other captains and lieutenants in the Winter War. And that was the main reason why everyone was against her coming to war. Nobody doubted her loyalty (or at least she hoped so) but they were concerned at how she might react after seeing Aizen.
For what concerned her, she did come here to fight against Aizen and the Arrancars. They were the enemy, and if not stopped, they would have destroyed Soul Society. There was no more doubt to her that what Aizen was doing was bad, and if it would have come to it, she was ready to fight against him.
What she really wished was a chance to confront him. She wanted to hear the word betrayal from his mouth, hear what she already knew from him. Ask him why, why did he use her in such a why? Why her, who admired him the most? Why was he doing all this? She wanted to hear the answers from his mouth.
But she didn´t get to listen to him. She was defeated before. And while she lied on the ground waiting to be healed, she felt his reiatsu.
She held her breath. It was different from what she used to know. It was indeed Captain Aizen's spiritual presence, but something in it, something was different, something was not right with it. She couldn´t tell what it was that was different, she simply felt it. And for the first real time, she felt that the man she knew no longer existed. Instead, there was another Aizen, someone she didn´t know, someone that resembled her beloved Captain but wasn´t him.
She called herself a fool, for all the months she had spent in pain, hoping that Aizen would somehow comeback and return to be her captain, not realizing that the Captain she knew died on that day she found his corpse and was replaced by this cold-hearted man, ready to kill and destroy everything she held dear.
While thinking all this, she suddenly felt a swift of air, and with her semi closed eyes she found herself up in the middle of the fight. Not fully understanding what was going on she tried to move, but the pain was too strong and she couldn´t. Suddenly something cold slid through her body, and in a moment of clearness she saw the Captains around her. Her eyes moved to the sword coming out from her chest. It was Hitsugaya´s sword.
She would have screamed for the pain, but she didn´t have enough strength to do so. Someone else screamed for her, and she could see the captains staring at her as if they had seen her for the first time.
Hitsugaya was now holding her in his arms, looking at her with a look she had never seen in his face, never in her life. It was as if he was about to lose his mind.
Why did they all attack her? They must have thought she was on Aizen´s side, but it wasn´t true, she wasn´t! The other captains might have doubted her, but Hitsugaya-kun, her Shirou-chan, she knew he knew her better. He would never attack her. She had doubted him once, and they both had paid a heavy price for it. Still, he had forgiven her, not only, he watched over her all the time she was in coma, and after it. No, she would never doubt him again, for she knew how much pain she had brought him, and swore to herself something like this was never going to happen again. Aizen probably made her do something, controlled her in some way, she didn´t know, she couldn´t remember, but what else could it be?
She was starting to lose conscious, she was actually dying. With the last force that remained inside of her she opened her eyes and tried to ask him why he stabbed her, what was going on, Shirou-chan what happened? But from her mouth came only a few words and before she lost conscious completely she heard a scream, a roar of pain coming from the boy.
She would never forget that scream. Never. Hitsugaya´s scream was the most painful thing she heard in her life, and it was made worse by knowing the fact that she was the cause of it. Sometimes now, she would still dream of that moment, and she would find herself screaming and crying too when she woke up. Unohana gave her a medicine to help her calm down, but it wasn´t of great help.
And while she had forgiven him the moment she woke up, he still couldn´t forgive himself for what he did. It hurt her inside to know how much he suffered, he still suffers for her.
When she woke up after organ regeneration and saw her friends, she couldn´t believe how much she had missed them. In all these years she had always followed Aizen and hardly noticed the changes that were going on around her. She had lived in a world where nothing ever changed, where the only thing that mattered was making Aizen happy and proud of her. By doing that she didn´t see how much her friends had grown, how they became stronger, how they became adults. She had always mocked Hitsugaya for his height, treating him like she did back in the Academy days when she believed she was the bigger one, even though he was the captain and she the lieutenant. She didn´t notice that the role had already changed. He was the bigger one now, even if he was shorter. When she looked at his face now, she saw the face of an adult who had gone through so much in his life, who knows what true pain is. She didn´t see that happening. She didn´t see him become an adult. How many things had she missed?
She sighed and looked outside the window. Shinji-taichou..How does this sound? Can she serve under this man?
Looking back at it now, in her room, still carrying the scars of her two stabbings she realized just what was wrong with her relationship between her and her captain, and how he, curiously in fact, resolved it.
She refused growing up when she became Aizen´s lieutenant. He became the centre of her world and she lived in that dream, not wondering if there was more for her outside it, not greeding for strength, for power unless it was to please Aizen, so that he would be proud of her.
When he stabbed her, she refused to accept the truth, refused to get out from her little peaceful world, refused to accept that the man she adored was not real.
It took a second, almost fatal stabbing to make her realize.
Aizen, Aizen her captain, Aizen the man she admired the most, Aizen whom she loved and trusted, Aizen who would help and comfort her, Aizen who used her and betrayed her in the most terrible way, Aizen who hurt her and her friends, Aizen, Aizen taichou, the man she never really knew.
Aizen taichou... can you see me? In this bed, with scars over my body and soul, trying to find some sense in all of this. What did you really think of me? What do you really feel for me? I don´t know, I´ve tried to come up with an answer all this time, but I haven´t found one. I don´t think I will ever find one.
But it´s not all that bad you know? Because I finally understand now. I looked at myself in the mirror today for the first time for months. I've changed. Not much physically, I´m the same height as before, a bit thinner because of the long time spent in a coma, only my hair is longer. But my eyes, I couldn´t recognize the look in my eyes. It was not the innoocent, kind look I had before, or the confused and desperate look I had after your betrayal. My eyes held something I never thought I could have. Determination. Will to move on. It was not the look of a little girl, but the look of a woman, a woman ready to accept her responsibilities, her mistakes, not willing to rely on anyone but herself.
It´s because of you, you know? I´m tired of crying, I´m tired of imagining what things could have been changed. It´s time I take my life in my own hands, it´s time for me to accept my weaknesses and mistakes, so I no longer make them in the future. It´s time, indeed, for me to grow up and move on. You made me realize with that last illusion, what I had missed and therefore I thank you.
Thank you; thank you for saving me from the Hollows that day. Thank you; for giving me the reason to become a strong shinigami. Thank you; for being my captain. Thank you; for loving me like the father I never had. Thank you; for giving me all those happy days. Thank you; for all the good and bad things, I will never forget those times. And finally, thank you for helping me overcome you.
You, and the memories of you. Yes, because now, finally I can tell you goodbye. It´s not like I will ever forget you. I can´t forget, I will never forget. But, there are so many things outside this room, people who love me, waiting for me. I have to go, I want to go. I owe them so many thank yous, but mostly I owe myself happiness. Happiness that seemed so far before, now it´s right in front of me.
Hinamori opened her eyes. The night was coming to an end. She felt excited in a way she hadn't felt for such a long time. The morning was coming.
Unable to lie in that bed for another minute she stood up. She took her black shinigami clothes and wore them. She tried to tie her hair in the usual way, but her hair was too long now so she just made a ponytail. It was somewhat strange to be wearing those clothes again, but she didn´t mind. It was good to be back.
She took papers and pencils that 8th Division lieutenant Nanao Ise left her hoping she could find a way to pass her time, and started writing letters. She left one letter to the 4th Division members in charge of her and to Unohana taicho, telling them not to worry, she was okay, and thanking them for everything they did.
She headed outside, her footsteps light and fast. She hadn´t felt so free for a long time. This was going to be her thank you day. She moved quickly, for the first time not worrying if someone could see her, for those who saw her, didn´t recognized the girl as the Fifth Division ex lieutenant Momo Hinamori, but saw only a beautiful girl with a kind smile.
She jumped and started running the roofs, every time she reached one of her destination she would drop one of the letters. Her heart was again filled with love. Love for her friends, friends that never left her, no matter what.
She stopped in the 10th Division barracks. Inside, she could sense a familiar reiatsu moving, he probably noticed her. She left the letters for him and Matsumoto and ran before he could come and find her. She wanted to see him, but not now. There was something else she had to do first.
Her final destination was the 5th Division barracks. She stopped in front of a certain Captain´s door, and waited. After a few minutes the door opened. Shinji looked at her. Without saying a word she handed him the letter. He opened it. Inside only two words. The same words she had written in all of the letters:
Thank you
He grinned and looked up at her. She smiled, the first sincere smile in a long time. Yes, she belonged here.
Hinamori looked at the sky now turning pink, the first stars shyly showing up. The warm wind caressing her face. Another day was ending. She had never felt so happy to be alive like in this moment. She hopes she can feel this way forever.
Now it´s time to go to bed. Tomorrow is going to be a long day. She slips under the sheets and closes her eyes, knowing no nightmare is going to haunt her dreams ever again.
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