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SPECIAL NOTE: This story was written mainly as therapy for myself. February 2005 was a difficult month. My grandmother passed away after 89 wonderful years. She was stubborn and strong. One of a kind. One of the strongest people I've ever known. Several days after her death, an unforgettable man who was also our family veterinarian for 10 years passed away unexpectedly at the young age of 50. He was one of those people that you come across so rarely in life. Someone once met, and never to be forgotten. His patience, kindness and compassion were so rare and so special.
This story is written in loving memory of Virginia Marie Knight and Dr. Werner Erich Heimberger.
Life and Death
I stood at a distance. Observing the body that lay so still on the funeral pyre awaiting it's final destination. I wanted to move closer, but I didn't. I could see the life had been drawn out of the body and I was uncomfortable. I wanted to remember Healer Erich Mehur as I saw him last. Much too young to have met his death. Healthy and happy. Doing the job that he loved so much. His specialty was treating Jedi Initiates for any ailment that happened upon them. The young Jedi, the children just learning the ways of the Force. I've never known such compassion and kindness in a healer. Seeing him work with the children, the care and patience that he offered them was remarkable. Many would come to him scared and scarred because of their injuries. Immediately he attempted to set them at ease, by joking with them or offering them a small sweet candy to divert their attention from the pain and fear. He truly seemed to love and care about every patient that came through his door. Even when they weren't very happy to see him, he made the best of the visit.
I remember spending a lot of time in and out of his office when I was young. I was always getting into scrapes while learning to control the Force. The first time I ever picked up a lightsaber, it ended in mild disaster. My concentration was nowhere to be found, and I ended up with burns on both arms and legs. Even at that age, I was more than able to feel humiliation and disappointment in my actions and my accident. Those feelings seemed to outweigh the pain that came with the wounds. My group master handed me off to Healer Erich for treatment. He didn't come at me with needles and sprays. Instead he told me the story of how he fared during his first attempt with a lightsaber. It ended in much the same way as mine did and he knew then that he wanted his talents to be more suited to healing the wounds rather than creating them. I remember laughing at his story as he began treating my burns and feeling a lot less scared and angry when I left.
Throughout my initiate years, I was a repeat visitor to the temple hospital. And came to care about Healer Erich a great deal. At such an impressionable age, long before we become padawans, it's easy to become attached to those who become an almost hero-figure like to you. There has been only one person in my life since then that I have come to respect and admire as I did Healer Erich, and that is my master of many years, Qui-Gon Jinn.
Master Qui-Gon is coping with his own loss. The death of his birth mother. She passed three days before Healer Erich, on her home planet of Yaris. Her life was long and remarkable from what my master has told me of her. Many Jedi never know of their birth parents, or chose not to learn about them. Master Qui-Gon was not one of those. He spoke with his mother often and visited when he could. She was special to him and during those few times when I was fortunate enough to spend time with her while we were visiting, I witnessed in the grand old woman everything that I knew my master to be. Strong. Stubborn. Compassionate. Determined to stand ground when everything around them was falling apart. I know her death has hit him hard. We had planned to leave for Yaris soon after hearing of her death, but circumstances prevented it. And then the news of Healer Erich's sudden and unexpected death rattled through the temple. Master Qui-Gon knew of my attachment to Erich and wanted to allow me the time to attend his funeral and deal with saying goodbye. The funeral will be held in a few hours. At sunset. Then we will leave for Yaris.
I still can't bring myself to move closer to the body before me. Others have come and gone, wanting to say their own personal farewells before the flames begin to burn. Healer Erich's apprentice, Semaj Reedas, has been sitting quietly in the corner of the room since before I arrived. The sadness and shock on his face easily readable...and heartbreaking. As much pain as I was in, I could only imagine what he felt. He'd lost the person closest to him. His family.
I wondered if I should approach him. To offer my condolences. I decided against it ultimately. I don't know if empty words were the best thing for him at the moment. He seemed to want this time to himself. Needed this time to himself. It was not my place to interfere. So I continued to watch from a distance.
Several of Erich's fellow healers came through the room, each remaining only a few moments. As they left, they all lay a gentle hand on Semaj's shoulder as a gesture of comfort and support. I remained silent. Losing myself once again in my own memories of the man.
I don't know why certain people etch their way into your hearts so easily. I don't know why some of those people are meant to leave this world much too soon. It's never made much sense to me. The Jedi always say that the Force works in mysterious ways. I see no mystery here. I see only confusion. Perhaps that is the mystery. I wish I knew. Maybe then I could help Padawan Semaj with all the questions that I know are filling his head right now.
Unknown moments passed when I felt a soft hand on my back. Master Qui-Gon.
"Padawan. You've been gone for hours. I wanted to be sure you were all right."
I nodded. "Thank you, Master. I'm okay. Just sad. He was a special person. Touched a lot of lives. Made a lot of difference in the world with his kindness and compassion. I guess I'm trying to make sense of this. But I don't think I can. I saw him last week and he looked well. He didn't seem ill. Then, days later, he's gone. Everything happens for a reason. Right, Master? What's the reason for this?"
Qui-Gon didn't have an answer for me. And he didn't try to force one. He put a comforting arm around my shoulder and squeezed gently. I whispered quietly to him. "Thank you, Master."
I'm not sure how long we stood together watching the comings and goings of the friends and acquaintances of Healer Erich. It wasn't until a small group of Jedi initiates came in that I finally lost my composure. Seeing those who were so special to him, having to say goodbye to a man they could never replace, was more than I was ready for. The tears slipped quietly from my burning eyes and I struggled to keep myself from breaking down completely. Master Qui-Gon moved his hand from my shoulder and turned to face me, placing his hands on either side of my face. We locked gazes. Each seeing the pain of loss in the other. My master knew that he would have his turn to grieve for what he had lost, once we got to Yaris. For now, his focus was for me.
Without a word, I leaned towards him and buried my face in his shoulder, releasing quiet, muffled sobs as he wrapped his arms around me. A moment later, he released his hold and began to guide me away from the room. Away from a person who I had come to respect and admire above all but one. I know I'd never forget Healer Erich Mehur. I know that anyone who was fortunate to have met him during his all to brief life, would never forget him.
His funeral was solemn. In my 8 years as Qui-Gon's padawan, I'd never seen a funeral burning so attended. It seemed that this one man had managed to touch the heart of an entire temple. I smiled at the thought and of all the memories that would soon be shared about him.
But I had to shift my focus. We would leave for Yaris tonight. There was another special person to mourn. The one that gave life to my master. The one he would miss dearly, despite not having been raised by her hand.
When our shuttle landed on Yaris, we wasted no time departing towards our destination. The home of Varja Marr, birthmother of Qui-Gon Jinn. Her home is a small cottage situated near a large yet tranquil lake. There are more houses here than I remember from our last visit, but it's still so vastly different from Coruscant. This is a place where I can hear the birds singing cheerfully. I can see the lake creatures playing at the water's edge. I can feel the cleanliness of the wind as it drifts by and billows my robe and brushes aside my braid. I can feel the peace. The calmness. It's like no place I've ever been. It's a place I could sit for hours and never tire of its simple beauty. It doesn't take much understanding to know why this home was always so special to my master. Why he was drawn back here time and time again.
"A piece of this wondrous place is now missing. But, it is just as I remember it, Obi-Wan." I could feel the emptiness radiating from my teacher beside me.
"Master, on this planet, what is the funeral custom?"
"There is no one custom that the citizens follow. Some prefer burial with a marker implanted on the earth. Some prefer a method very much like the Jedi, followed by the ashes of the deceased being spread in a place of their choosing. There are even some who choose to be frozen. My mother had spoken of her wish that her ashes be placed in the lake that she loved so much. She will find her rest among her husband of 60 years, who was also my father. He passed just before I took you as a padawan, before you had a chance to meet him."
"I would have like to have met him, Master."
"He would have enjoyed your company, Obi-Wan. Just as my mother did. She mentioned you often in her letters to me. Always proud to hear of your accomplishments and how you had grown."
I felt my cheeks flush slightly at the fond words and I smiled. "I did enjoy her stories, Master. She had quite a memory and a talent for story telling. You must have gotten that from her."
"You like my stories? You've never said so before."
"I've come to enjoy them. When I was younger, I thought they were only meant to be another lesson. I'm wiser now, Master. I can see the depth and the meaning in them where I didn't before. And as I spent time with your mother over the past few years, I came to know how much the memories in those tales mean to you and why you use and tell stories the way you do. I can honestly say that I treasure those quiet moments that we have together when you share your stories and memories with me."
My master smiled and put an arm around me. "Thank you, Obi-Wan. You don't know how much that means for me to hear you say that. I often thought you were simply humoring me by pretending to listen to me ramble on about the past."
"It took time for me to appreciate your ramblings, Master. But I do value them. Very much so."
As we walked into the house, the smells came alive. Although the house had been empty for several days now, the unforgettable scent of baked cookies and sweet rolls had not faded. She was a woman famous for her baking talents. Unfortunately it was one talent that was not passed on to her son. Master Qui-Gon was many things, but a good cook was not one of them. I laughed quietly as I remembered some of his past efforts to duplicate his mother's recipes.
"I know what you're thinking, Obi-Wan. So, my baking skills never measured up to hers. You can't fault my effort."
"Yes, Master. You did try." I glanced at him mischievously and felt the mood lighten. I was grateful. I didn't want my master to remember only the end of her life. I wanted him to remember all that she was, as well as what he learned from her in their visits. At the same time, I was also attempting to shed my own heavy mood. The death of Healer Erich still etched in my mind. I needed a diversion from those thoughts. And I needed to be there for Master Qui-Gon during his time here, as he was for me only hours ago as we stood and watched the passing of a much-loved Jedi Healer into the Force. "Perhaps you should continue your efforts. Practice makes perfect, as the saying goes. You're bound to get it right sooner or later."
"With your help, of course."
"Always, Master." I had to switch gears for a moment and bring us back to the now. "What time are we to be at the memorial house?"
"Soon. It's not far into town. Her memorial service is this afternoon, after which her ashes will be spread into the lake."
"Was there other family that she had here?"
"A large extended family. Many cousins. I've not met them however. I know she had several close friends her age. Friends she has known since she was a girl. I was notified of her death by the one cousin that I have met, Ecila is her name. Her family and friends made all the arrangements of course. They left a speeder for us to use to get back and forth to town."
The trip to town was short and when we arrived at the memorial house, we were greeted by Ecila who in turn introduced us to the memorial director and two of Varja Marr's cousins. They gave us a detailed account of Varja's last few months. I could feel Master Qui-Gon's regret that he had not been able to visit her during her final year of life. He had last spoken to her over five months ago. He addressed Ecila and the cousins. "I am sorry that I was not able to see her before she passed. However I thank you for your friendship and kindness towards her for so many years. She spoke of you three and of others in her letters to me. I've no doubt that her life was fuller with your presence. I was fortunate to have discovered who my birthmother was. Many Jedi are never given that opportunity. My own life has been bettered because of my visits and correspondence with her over the years."
Eventually, the director asked that we all be seated. The service was simple, yet perfect. Filled with fun memories of a woman who lived her life with no regrets.
Returning to the house, the short ceremony that followed on the small pier, as her ashes were placed into the lake was solemn. Many tears were shed all around as her soul touched the cold, clear water. Master Qui-Gon was quiet through everything. I'm sure he was absorbing every word and every precious moment of the day. Every minute detail so that he could one day tell the story of his mother's passing and of those that loved her.
As the words were said and the ashes met the water, I once again flashed back to the funeral of Healer Erich. I wondered, perhaps, if Varja and Erich would meet one day in the Force. Share stories and experiences. They were so different in life, yet so much alike. Surely the Force would bring them together. I held onto that hopeful thought as I swallowed the lump building in my throat and walked at my teacher's side from the pier to the shoreline.
"Do you wish to stay here for a few days, Master?"
Master Qui-Gon stopped walking, closed his eyes and took in a deep breath. Then released it slowly, turning his gaze back towards the lake. "I do, Obi-Wan. I was planning to ask you if you wouldn't mind. I'd like to spend the week here and I would very much enjoy your company." He began walking again.
"This is such a beautiful place, Master. Peaceful. I heard Elicia refer to it as a little piece of heaven. Areas like this seem so rare. Everything is transforming into giant cities with little nature to speak of. Here...it's special. I could lose myself here and be content forever."
"That's one of the reasons I came to visit as often as I could. I could sit with my mother for hours on end and never tire of the view. Never tire of the serenity and the stillness. I will miss this."
"What will happen to the house and the land?"
"Her family will attempt to hold on to it as long as possible. However there is great value in this small property and they are unsure if they will be able to afford it in a few years time."
I hadn't thought about the possibility of this house being lost to my master. The idea that he'd never again be able to come here and sit and listen to the sounds of silence for countless hours just wasn't imaginable. Especially right now while the pain of loss was still so great. I didn't need our bond to know the sadness that he felt at the same thought.
"Obi-Wan, would you mind going into town and getting dinner for us? I'd like to speak to a few people here before they leave. Then you and I can spend the evening perhaps on the porch. Talking. I have stories I'd like to share with you. Personal things that I shared only with my mother. Stories about some of my visits here after Xanatos had turned."
A feeling of warmth came over me as I realized the depth of trust that Qui-Gon must have in me in order to share his most private stories about his former apprentice. He rarely spoke of Xanatos and those long years that followed.
"And perhaps you can share some of your memories of Healer Erich with me. I didn't know him as well as you did. I'm curious to learn more about a man who was so special to so many people."
"Thank you, Master. I'd like to do that. I have been wanting to talk about him, but I didn't wish to burden you right now. It's still painful to think about his death."
We stopped in front of our small speeder. "I know it is. I can see it in your face. And feel it through our bond. We both lost someone very special to us. It's our time to deal with that."
I nodded and smiled. "I look forward to our evening, Master. I'll return shortly with dinner."
It didn't take long to get into town and back with the food. But I purposely took longer than needed so that Qui-Gon could have time with the friends and family who had been such a large part of his mother's life. When I finally did return, everyone had gone. Master Qui-Gon sat alone on the front porch with his eyes closed in deep meditation. I tried to remain quiet as I approached the house, but even as deep as he was in the Force, he knew I was there.
"Thank you, Obi-Wan for trying to remain quiet, but you don't sneak very well. You never have."
I had to laugh. I needed to laugh. "It's a good thing that sneaking and approaching unknowingly are not part of the trials, Master. I'm afraid I'd be a padawan forever if it was."
He laughed in return as our dark mood began to lift. After dinner, as the first signs of a slow dusk began to present itself, we found a couple comfortable chairs and sat overlooking the lake. The birds called and every so often a small fish would break the surface of the water causing the ripples to carry gently to the shore. Master Qui-Gon and I remained there many hours after the sun had finally fallen in the sky, sharing stories and memories of Varja Marr and Healer Erich Mehur. Stories and memories that had strengthened the bond between my master and I. The deep and confused emotions he felt during the time of Xanatos contrasted with my sometimes uncertain, yet happier memories of Healer Erich. His mother and her house provided a safe place during a dark time in Qui-Gon's life. Her death had surfaced those days and emotions once again.
Two unforgettable people lost. Bringing master and padawan closer together. Perhaps that was the reason the Force chose to take them both from us. To enable these events to forge a special place for teacher and student to become more a part of each other.
I smiled at the thought of the closeness that my master and I were now able to share, and I looked out over the water watching the birds. And I remembered.
Master Qui-Gon began another of his stories. I turned to him and listened intently.
END