Guy Talk 2

Prepare to laugh so hard…that your butt cheeks fall off and wiggle madly on the floor… O.o

This fic features (spoiler alert) Sai as well as the usual gang.

Diclaimer: I do not own the characters, Masashi Kishimoto does! Lucky guy.

Such a sunny day it was, that Sasuke had sat frying in his apartment like a sausage on a grill, sweat soaking his clothes as he wondered what he should do this afternoon.

He hid in the shadowy corners of his room, detesting the sunlight that might taint his pale Uchiha skin.

"Oi! Sasuke!" Naruto shouted, leaping up to Sasuke's window and peering confusedly into the dark room, "Hey Sasuke!"

Sasuke grumbled from his corner, wishing the weather was not almost 30 degrees as it was, but perhaps a much cooler temperature so that he could retain his usual stoic and non- sweaty appearance.

"Sasuke!" Naruto laughed yanking open the curtains and catching sight of the swearing Uchiha, "Hey! We're all going to the park to play football. Are you coming?"

Trying to look uncaring Sasuke stood up and pushed the hair from his eyes, "Football? Please don't waste my time dobe."

"Is he coming or what?" Kiba called impatiently from somewhere outside.

"Umm…" Naruto squinted at the flushed Uchiha, "Hey Sasuke…are you ill?"

"Hn. No."

Naruto stepped into the room to stare at the Uchiha some more, "So…why are you so sweaty? You look feverish…or have you been..?"

"What?"

Naruto grinned teasingly, "Or have you been…you know…playing your trumpet? Ne? Or violin? Or didgeridoo? Ne?"

"What?!" Sasuke said frustratedly at the crude innuendo. "I was not doing such an indecent thing!"

"Oi! Let's go!" Kiba shouted, "We'll be the last ones there if you don't hurry your ass up!"

"Not indecent…just natural!" Naruto laughed, leaping out of the window.

Grumpily, Sasuke followed and the three boys plus Akamaru headed off to the park. When they got there, they realised the only person already present was an over enthusiastic Lee.

"Damn…we're early." Kiba cursed.

Sasuke winced, standing in direct sunlight was making his skin a constant soft shade of pink.

"Uchiha…" Sasuke heard a voice approach him.

"Hyuuga…" Sasuke grumbled back as a similarly pale but pink roasted Neji approached.

"Neji!" Lee smiled bounding up and back flipping across the grass, "Isn't Summer beautiful? The heat and energy of Mother Nature nurturing our youthful existences?"

"Yes, Summer is beautiful." Shino commented, as he watched the swarms of bugs dance across the grass. "The insects all mate and nest…"

"Troublesome." Shikamaru could be heard grumbling as he arrived with Chouji.

"Yeah, I agree…" Chouji remarked sweating so hard he had sweat marks practically everywhere.

"Pollination…Reproduction…" Shino continued to mutter quietly.

"Hey! Can we start playing yet?" Naruto shouted excitedly, as Sasuke and Neji sat in the shade of different trees glaring at each other.

Shikamaru and Chouji also retreated to the shade. Chouji opening an icebox he had brought where he retrieved a tub of vanilla icecream and began eating it hungrily.

"Naruto, Sasuke, Kiba, Shino, Shikamaru, Chouji, Neji, Me…" Lee listed exuberantly, "We're missing our friend Gaara and the new guy…Sai-kun!"

"Let's start playing anyway!" Naruto pouted, "I'm bored!"

"Okay Naruto-kun, your youthful energy stimulates me!" Lee shouted proudly, "We will begin!"

"So…what do we do?" Naruto asked quietly.

Kiba laughed, "Okay let's split into teams first!"

"Oh! I want to be a team captain!" Naruto shouted, "Me! Me! Me!"

"Me too!" Lee challenged, "I want to be captain also!"

"No! I'm gonna be the captain." Kiba and Akamaru growled.

"There cannot be three captains…" Shino commented, "The same way a hive may not have more than one Queen to impregnate."

"Ew! I don't want to be impregnated!" Naruto shouted in disgust, "I'm going to be Hokage and Team Captain!"

"I'll be the other Captain!" Kiba said.

"What about me, companions?" Lee asked.

"Troublesome noise…" Shikamaru complained, "Why don't you just play rock, paper scissors to see who gets to be the captains?"

"Oh very wise!" Lee agreed.

Naruto, Kiba and Lee counted and made their hand gestures. Naruto had a scissors, Kiba had a rock and Lee was paper.

"Again." Kiba grumbled impatiently.

They repeated the game and this time Naruto had a paper and Kiba and Lee had scissors.

"Damn…" Naruto sulked.

"Haha!" Kiba laughed, "Right…who should be on my team..?"

"Oh! Oh!" Lee shouted excitedly, "Do not be disheartened Naruto-kun! You can be on my team!"

Naruto sighed and walked up behind Lee. Kiba stared at the boys before him, studying who would be suitable for winning.

"Shino!" Kiba called and the sunglasses wearing boy walked towards him with a nod.

"Hmm…" Lee pondered.

"Oh! Don't pick Sasuke!" Naruto commented, "I want to kick his ass in football!"

Sasuke frowned against his tree, eyebrow twitching with sunburnt agitation, "I don't want to be on your stinking team dobe."

"Mmm…okay…Neji! My companion!" Lee shouted.

Neji forced himself to leave the tree and stand in the heat behind Naruto. Kiba grinned and eyed Shikamaru the genius.

"Hey Nara!"

"This is so troublesome…all I wanted was to take a nap." Shikamaru sighed going to Kiba's team.

Lee bounced on the spot looking from Sasuke to Chouji. Sasuke stood up, knowing that obviously he was way better than Chouji.

"Chouji!" Lee called out to the surprised glutton who scooped the last of his icecream and then stumbled over to the Lee, Naruto and Neji team.

"Haha! Sasuke's picked last!" Naruto couldn't help laughing.

"Shut up dobe…" Sasuke grumbled going over to the Kiba, Shino and Shikamaru team, "I won't be the one crying when you lose."

"Okay, let's get it on!" Kiba snarled taking up position on the pitch.

"Wait…" Shino said, "Who will be the goal keepers?"

"Oh yes! The defenders of our youthful innocence?" Lee gasped with fiery eyes. "Protectors of the goal from the onslaught of invading balls! Oh sweet heavenly youthful youth! No balls will penetrate my goal!"

"You've been spending far too much time with Gai sensei…" Naruto commented.

"Chouji should be our goalie." Neji said, "His power in size will prevent the ball from succeeding a goal."

"Great thinking!" Naruto chirped.

Chouji shrugged and went to stand goal between two large rocks at the end of the pitch.

"I'll be goalie." Shikamaru volunteered, "It won't be as troublesome as I won't have to run as much."

"Okay…all set." Now let's play!" Kiba said positioning the ball at the centre.

"Wait." Lee shouted happily, "Gaara-kun has arrived!"

Sasuke sweatdropped with impatience, he was all amped up to play now that they were finally in teams.

"Are you playing without me?" Gaara enquired monotonously.

"Well, we thought we'd start since you're so damn late." Kiba grumbled, just wanting to play.

"You started…without me…" Gaara muttered staring at Kiba murderously.

"Hey…we havn't started yet." Naruto interjected, "We just got ready, so we could start when you got here."

"Oh join my team Gaara-kun!" Lee said enthusiastically.

Gaara looked away quietly and went to stand near Naruto's position.

"We can't play like this." Kiba sighed frustratedly, "Our teams are unbalanced."

"Use Akamaru." Shino suggested.

"Dogs don't count." Chouji muttered, scratching his itchy maximus gluteus.

"Hello." Sai said smiling his usual fake grin, "Sorry that I am late."

"Finally!" Naruto shouted, "You're on Kiba's team man, now let's play!"

Sai nodded and went to stand near Sasuke.

Sasuke glared at Sai, though they were both very pale, it seemed the sun did not effect Sai at all. He grew irritated at the thought that Sai could be more cool than him.

"Let's play!" Kiba shouted, kicking the ball hard.

Shino caught it with the back of his foot and skidded smoothly past Naruto. Lee jumped about on the pitch, running at the ball with an energetic zest. He stole the ball just as Shino passed it to Sai.

Sai stared blankly as Lee shot down the pitch and towards the goal where Chouji stood eating an ice lolly. Sasuke was fast and caught up with Lee, sliding his foot under to take the ball away.

Sai then appeared in front of Sasuke and he leapt on top of him, sending Sasuke crushed to the ground with Sai between his legs and the ball flying offside.

"What the hell?!" Sasuke grumbled as Sai sat smiling on top of him.

"Hey Sai…what are you doing?" Naruto asked curiously.

"Is this not how we play?" Sai replied.

"No." Shino said as Sasuke shoved the other boy away, "The point of the game is to move the ball from the pitch to the goal, using only your feet."

"I see…" Sai and Gaara murmured, Gaara had not moved at all since the game had started.

"Anyway idiot." Sasuke growled, "You're not supposed to attack people on the same team!"

Sai smiled, "My apologies Sasuke Dickhead Uchiha."

Sasuke twitched in anger and then kicked the ball so hard it hit Sai in the stomach and sent him across the pitch.

Sai coughed and that pseudo smile spread across his lips again, "I thought you just said we're not supposed to attack people of the same team?"

Gaara picked up the ball with his hands and began walking silently towards Shikamaru's goal post. Shino sent a wave of bugs across and knocked the ball out of Gaara's hands.

"You are prohibited from using your hands in this game." He said.

Gaara glared, "You dare to oppose me?"

Shino straightened up, "You were breaking the rules."

"Do you…not…value your life?" Gaara hissed as sand began pouring from his gourd and settling around his feet.

"Hey…" Naruto interjected, "Calm down, it's just a game guys…"

"I will play football my way." Gaara declared viciously as his sand seized the ball and shot like a harpoon at Shikamaru.

The shadow boy leapt out of the way just on time.

"Goal!" Lee shouted, "Well done Gaara! Yes! We should play it the youthful ninja way!"

The ball returned to centre, all the boys feeling slightly tense as they felt the atmosphere on the pitch had changed from casual to serious. Lee kicked the ball so hard it flew high into the air and everyone lost sight of it amongst the clouds.

"What the hell?" Kiba snapped.

"If you are in need of a ball" Sai said pleasantly, "Will this suffice?"

Sai pulled out a scroll and sketched a round shape on it which leapt off the paper and bounced over to Lee.

"Why thank you Sai-kun!" Lee shouted kicking the new ball.

The ball shot towards a cheery Naruto but just as he was an inch from it, it swerved into a U-turn and landed at Kiba's feet.

"Haha!" Kiba laughed running down the pitch with the ball.

Neji glared at Sai, he was obviously manipulating the new ball with his chakra.

Kiba was about to kick the ball into Chouji's goal when it shot forwards on it's own accord and scored.

"One all?" Sai said cheerily.

Once more the ball returned to centre. Lee shot forwards but the ball seemed to dodge his foot and spun all the way over to Sai, who grinned and leisurely began skimming it over to the goal.

"You're cheating." Sasuke hissed, running along side him.

"Really?" Sai grinned, "But the bug boy said the point of the game is to move the ball from the pitch to the goal."

"Using only your feet." Sasuke growled.

"Yes." Sai smiled, "And I am. My hands are no where near the ball, just my feet."

Sasuke was just too irritated by this guy and he bounded in front of Sai and stole the ball from him before kicking it hard past Chouji.

"Goal!" Kiba shouted, "Two-One! We rock!"

Sai blinked, "Well done Sasuke…you have the skills of a large rodent."

Sasuke felt a vein pulsating at his forehead as he tried to ignore the other boys comment.

"We will win this!" Lee declared, "Won't we Naruto-kun!"

"Believe it!" Naruto shouted.

The ball moved from centre courtesy of Sai and his invisible chakra manipulation and stopped at Shino's feet. Shino skimmed it across the pitch until he was faced with Neji who tackled it away. Sai smiled and the ball flew back over to Shino.

"Cheater!" Neji screamed irritably and ran after Shino who secretly smiled and sent the ball flying over Chouji's head.

"Haha! Three-One!" Kiba laughed.

"You filthy cheaters." Neji grumbled, glaring at Sai.

Gaara blinked, "They are…cheating?"

A wave of sand shot over to the ball and crushed it so that it burst and Sai's ink splattered all over a shocked Naruto. Gaara then made his sand slide over to a tree and scrape at it until the sand had carved a smooth wooden ball.

"We will use this." Gaara stated, placing it central.

Lee nodded enthusiastically and kicked it with vigour, it was sent skidding towards Naruto who took charge of it with excitement and ran down towards Shikamaru's end. Sasuke stood in the way, determined not to let the dobe past.

"Move it teme!" Naruto growled as Sasuke ran up to him and they struggled for domination of the ball.

Shino slipped beside them and took it, sending it back towards Kiba who passed it to Sai. Sai smiled and scored another goal.

"Four-One!" Kiba sneered, "You guys suck!"

Team Lee, Naruto, Neji and Gaara glared, whilst their goalie Chouji had seemed to have fallen asleep.

"Time out!" Lee said.

"We've got to score a goal!" Naruto grumbled.

"It's that Sai…" Neji said, "He was cheating…and that Shino…both of them have jutsus that allow them to work long range."

"We must win!" Lee demanded. "Our youthful pride depends on it!"

"I can work long range…" Gaara muttered, indicating his sand.

"Um…we can't kill them…" Naruto said nervously.

"I'm hungry." Chouji stated sleepily, but everyone ignored him.

"I have a plan." Neji said as they all huddled round.

Meanwhile Kiba was congratulating Sai, "You're great man! Like our ace card!"

Sai smiled, "Thank you…mongrel…"

Shikamaru sighed, "Can we just end the game, I want to nap."

Kiba laughed, "Take a nap all you want, with Sai on our team we'll be the only ones scoring the goals anyway!"

"We are the superior team." Shino agreed.

Sasuke frowned, though he had not wanted to be on a team with the annoying Naruto or freaky eyebrowed Lee, or creepy Gaara, or irritating Neji, or even the chubby Chouji…he felt that anything would be better than being on this team with the anger provoking Sai.

"Are you…constipated." Sai suddenly asked.

Sasuke gritted his teeth together, "No…I most definitely am not."

Sai grinned, "I only ask because your face is very pink from the heat and you are making an expression most similar to an old man without enough fibre."

Sasuke's brows furrowed deeper in agitation and he punched Sai in the face. Sai stood expressionless, touching his sore face.

"Don't talk." Sasuke growled, "Your voice is like…"

"Troublesome?" Shikamaru suggested.

"Yes!" Sasuke agreed.

"Sandpaper on your eardrums?" Shino added.

"Yes!" Sasuke repeated.

"Making you horny?" Kiba laughed.

"Yes!" Sasuke stopped abruptly and cringed, "No! Shut up dog boy!"

Sai merely stood thoughtfully, "I…see…"

Kiba trying to settle his hysteria ran back to the centre, "Time out over! Let's play!"

The teams resumed their positions.

TBC

Hope this was interesting! This is supposed to be a one-shot, but it will be in two parts. Please review!

Pepsi Dragon x