Disclaimer: I think you all know it's not mine.
Spoilers: Contains spoilers to The Shrine, and to Trio too, I guess.
A/N: This is Jennifer's point of view during The Shrine, although it's probably not exactly what happened… This episode was so great I felt I had to write a story to complete it, but it was hard to do because there was so much more I could have said, and I really needed to stop myself at some point. So, um, here goes, I hope it's not too bad!
I'm sorry for any mistake that may have escaped me… I do my best, but, you know, I speak French, so…
The news had come as a shock.
When McKay came to the infirmary and told her about increasing occurrences of memory loss, she didn't really believe him, putting this new condition of his on the account of his widely known hypochondria. She did a scan nonetheless, to ease his fears as well as her medical conscience.
Nothing had prepared her for what she saw on the screen.
A dark looming shape in the middle of his brain, fine tendrils extending some way around it.
She stood transfixed for a moment, staring at it in horror, before frantically walking to her computer and opening the Ancient medical database.
She was rapidly able to identify the parasite – something with a long, strange name – and what she read on its file did not help her feel better.
It created a degenerative condition as the tendrils extended further in the brain, until the person died of various complications due to the incapacity of the brain to sustain the body.
She searched the file wildly for a cure, but found none. The Ancients hadn't been affected by it very often, and in the rare cases it happened, they had been able to remove the parasite early on.
There was, however, an extensive list of possible symptoms, and one of them was a change in personality. Like a person becoming nicer.
She remembered, with a shock, how he had behaved after his return from the mission with the flooded gate.
You want my fruit cup?
I think you do!
Right, so, well now I'm asking you to have dinner with me…
She had failed to recognize that this new McKay was caused by something other than him finally acting on the mutual attraction they felt for each other, and now it was too late.
She couldn't possibly remove the parasite without causing brain damage.
--
"But you can cure it, can't you?"
"I'm sure I will be able to. I have many ideas in mind that could work, so right now there's no real need to worry."
She said this in a hopeless attempt to alleviate the situation, trying but failing to give her voice that assurance and enthusiasm it so desperately needed now. She knew it wasn't going to fool the ever anxious Rodney McKay.
The new Rodney, though, kept surprising her.
"Oh well, if you say so, then." he said, looking completely unconcerned. "I mean, I absolutely believe you can do it. You're an awesome doctor."
She tried not to blush. She wanted to stay focused and professional, but it was hard to believe that the man in front of her, so nice and charming and full of life, was gravely sick.
"Well, I'm going to have to study your case a little more deeply, but I want you to come get checked up every few hours. And if there's anything I can do, let me know, okay?"
He nodded and smiled at her. Reaching for her hand and giving it a gentle squeeze, he thanked her before turning to leave. He had not taken three steps, however, before he paused, snapped his fingers and turned back to look at her.
"Wait wait wait, I have an idea! It could help you measure the rate of degeneration of my memory loss, maybe detect new symptoms… Now I know it wouldn't be scientific, but it would provide a baseline for your studies, so it's not completely useless, and it wouldn't take much time either, and –"
"Rodney, wait, slow down!" she stopped him, laughing a little. "What's your idea?"
"Oh! Oh, right, sorry. It's quite simple, in fact: it's a video log."
--
DAY 01
"It's recording."
"Well, aren't you supposed to say "Action" or something?"
"Oh, sorry."
"I'm kidding!" he said, grinning. "OK, here we go." He paused, looking at the camera. "My name is Doctor Rodney McKay. I am head of the Science and Research Departments here in Atlantis…"
--
She stayed up all night reading the Ancient biological and medical files on the parasite, jolting down ideas of treatments on her computer, while trying her best not to think about that growing bubble of dread inside her. During the briefing earlier, she had learned that Teyla and Ronon knew of the disease, and from what they'd told her Rodney's future didn't seem all that promising.
She had ordered him to sleep in the infirmary so she could monitor his sleep and catch on anything irregular. She checked on him every once in a while, but as the night dragged on she couldn't help but make the trip to his bed more and more often, unnecessarily verifying the displays as an excuse to be there, until she decided to stop lying to herself. Taking a chair, she sat by his bed.
Watching him sleep somewhat soothed her. She had been stressed ever since she saw that dark shape on the brain scan, and only now did she allow herself to relax, if only for a brief time.
It was always that way, during a medical crisis, she thought. The first few hours were always the most intense. She was used to the pressure by now.
But this time, it was different. She wasn't sure why, but it felt worse than usual.
Well… She wasn't exactly being honest. She did know why.
It was because of him.
She had grown fond of the man over the last few months, so much in fact that she wasn't sure of the exact nature of her feelings towards him. Did she - ?
Shaking her head, Jennifer extricated herself from her thoughts. This wasn't the time or the place. She had a cure to find.
She got up, her eyes traveling to Rodney's sleeping face again. He looked so peaceful, at the moment, so innocent, that she just couldn't help herself. Bending down, she softly pressed her lips against his forehead for a few seconds, before straightening up and going back to her research.
--
At the end of the next day, she had prepared a serum that, she hoped, might cause the parasite to dehydrate, thus shrinking it to a size small enough for extraction. She had injected it to Rodney, who had seemed so confident in the results that she couldn't help but feel a little better. In a few hours, they would know if it had worked.
--
Day 02
"You can go."
"Hey, I told you before, you're supposed to say action!" he teased, smiling. "Ok, I'll stop with that, sorry," he added as Jennifer rolled her eyes. He paused, looking at the camera. "My name is Doctor Rodney McKay. I am head of the Science and… and, Research Departments in Atlantis…"
--
The serum didn't work, and nor did any kind of radiation she could think of. It was getting harder to keep her anxiety in check, and to hide it from everyone else. Rodney was getting worse, too, more and more often struggling with words while trying to keep others from noticing it. He couldn't fool her, though, and it was breaking her heart to see him like this.
--
Day 05
"Action!" Jennifer said, with a smile on her face.
"Uh? Action? Oh, oh you mean, action, as in movies and such… Funny…" he replied, trying to keep his confusion from showing.
Jennifer almost felt tears come to her eyes. He had forgotten about their playful banter over the word! Trying to remain professional, she cleared her throat.
"Um, well, yes… I just meant that, um… you can start."
"Alright, alright… So, my name first," he muttered to himself. "My name is Doctor Rodney McKay. I am head of the Science and, um, and… Research Departments in Atlantis, in the, um, Pegasus? right, Pegasus, galaxy…"
--
That night was the first where she didn't find the energy to stop herself from crying. She was ashamed to admit that, although she knew how serious and dangerous and awful his situation was, the knowledge hadn't really made it from her head to her heart, before. Rodney was still under the influence of the parasite: nice, kind, funny… It was hard, even if she knew of his condition, to really believe that he was slowly dying.
But now…It was getting worse, and it was as though like the veil before her eyes had been removed. It finally hit her that he was going to forget about her, forget the little jokes they shared, the good moments they'd had together, their recent shameless flirting, the smiles and looks they'd exchanged… He wouldn't remember their first real conversation, not long after Carson's death, that had brought them closer. He would forget about how he'd come to comfort her and make her laugh, after the awful events on Teyla's home world. He wouldn't remember… and somehow that's what finally broke her restraints, and made her cry.
--
She'd worked all day trying to find a cure, made almost no advances, and felt absolutely exhausted and miserable when McKay came to see her for their daily recording.
She nodded to him reluctantly. A live performance of McKay losing his mind was the last thing she needed right now. But she knew she needed to be strong, for him, and so she smiled at him as she set up the camera.
"How are you doing?"
"Oh well, you know, not so bad. I… I worked a little bit today, and I think I did well…"
"Rodney, you know I told you to stop working… We need you to rest."
"Hey, I'm not an invalid yet!" he joked. "Besides, you know working is even more necessary to my system than sleeping… So, really, I think I'd actually get sicker if I stopped."
Jennifer rolled her eyes. Rodney had that knack to always make her smile, even in darkest times.
"Sure, McKay, that's completely right. I mean, I obviously don't know what I'm talking about, I'm just your doctor, right?"
He laughed, but said nothing.
"Alright, let's start," she said. "All set?"
DAY6
He'd forgotten the name of the Pegasus galaxy again, and the desperation he usually tried to hide was evident in his eyes. He paused, looking at her.
"Jennifer, there's something I wanted to, um ... while I remember, while I still can; there's something I wanted to say before ..."
"Go ahead."
"I ... I ... I love you."
Her heart missed a beat.
She stopped breathing.
She stood transfixed, her eyes wide.
Before she could say anything, before she could think of anything to answer, he looked down, smiling.
"OK... Where was I?"
He kept talking, but she couldn't hear a word.
He finished the video, and she turned off the camera almost by reflex. He was looking at her, his eyes a strange mix of hope, anxiety, fear and sadness. He looked at her, and her heartbeat quickened, her breath hitched in her throat, but she was still spellbound, incapable of forming a single coherent thought.
After a moment, McKay looked down, sighing. He turned his back, and a part of her screamed for her to say something, for God's sake, but she stood still, unable to move. Her thoughts were one enormous swirl, and she couldn't make sense of any of it.
She was still standing by the camera several minutes after he'd walked out the door.
--
The next day they tried putting him in stasis. It wouldn't cure him, but they thought it would slow the deterioration of his brain while they worked on a solution, giving them more time.
He'd avoided looking at her for most of the process, kept his comments as short and neutral as he could, and completely failed at trying to appear his normal self.
Jennifer felt awful. She knew he'd expected her to react, to at least give him one of those pre-made sentences people said to spare someone's feelings, but truth be told, she was as confused as she'd ever been. She didn't know what she wanted to say, and she didn't even know if she wanted to say something.
He was sick. This…declaration might have been the parasite influencing his mind again.
She'd asked Zelenka to make the necessary calibrations to the stasis pod, and he was talking to Rodney, who nodded along, uncharacteristically uninterested. She observed him get in the pod, looking everywhere but her, and she felt a tear slide down her cheek.
"Ready?" asked Zelenka.
It was then that Rodney turned to look at her, the first real, straightforward look since the day before. His eyes were full of something she'd seen before, in the past few weeks, but had never been able to identify. Now she knew.
He was looking at her with all the love he felt.
Another tear fell down.
She saw his eyes soften as they fell upon it, and he smiled at her sadly. He tore his gaze away from her to Zelenka and nodded.
She wished he'd look at her again, but he didn't. He hung out his head and closed his eyes, and when the stasis procedure was complete she walked out the door as fast as she could, not wanting everyone to see her cry.
--
The stasis didn't work. The parasite's tendrils kept extending, if only at a slightly lower rate, so they decided to revive him. If it wasn't going to do him any good, he might as well live his last few days of lucidity awake.
Jennifer sat by her desk, sighing. Rodney had lost consciousness when they took him out of the pod, so they brought him in the infirmary and put him in bed. She'd tried to work for the rest of the day, to continue her search for a treatment, but she'd been constantly distracted by her thoughts. She felt guilty that such personal problems interfered with her work, especially since it was at the sake of a life. It was time it stopped. She'd be able to concentrate more effectively once she'd figured everything out, and she couldn't keep pushing the moment away forever anyhow.
Rodney loved her. She knew it was real, now, because of the look he'd given her in the stasis chamber. He'd looked at her like that before, before the parasite, before his nice change of personality, so in this declaration she knew it was all Rodney.
He loved her.
She felt… She didn't know how she felt. It made her heart twist painfully to think of his words. It felt like… like her heart was about to explode and was being ripped open at the same time.
He loved her.
She liked him, of course. A lot, in fact, if she was to be honest with herself. She knew she'd started thinking about him more than friends ought to since the mining incident.
She'd hoped he would invite her out in turn, after their drink together that night, and when he hadn't, she'd felt disappointed. She hadn't lost hope, however: she knew of Rodney's lack of social skills.
But she wasn't exactly an outgoing person either, so she hadn't asked him out again.
She'd enjoyed the moments they'd spent together since, though. She'd always thought him funny, but now she found him sweet. She'd always been attracted by his intelligence, but now she noticed his eyes, and his smile, and his hands, and there was definite physical attraction.
She'd been thrilled at the thought of something developing between them; she'd waited impatiently for him to take the next step.
Well, now he had.
He'd told her loved her.
It's not that she wasn't happy about that, but… She'd been ready for a second date, certainly not for that.
A stir from the infirmary rose her from her thoughts. She could hear Rodney faintly calling her name. She immediately rushed at his side.
"J… Jennifer?" he asked, clearly confused and disoriented.
"It's alright, Rodney, I'm right here," she answered, taking his hand and sitting down on the side of the bed. "Calm down. What's the matter?"
"I… I don't… remember… W…What happened? How did I get here? I…"
"We took you out of the stasis pod a couple hours ago. It's perfectly normal that you don't remember," she replied, soothingly stroking his hand.
"Oh…oh." He sighed, looking relieved. "I… I was afraid that I… that I'd lost my mind and – and that I was losing, um… sh-short-term memory and I -"
"Shh. I know. But you didn't. Everything's alright."
"No! No it's not!" he replied, sitting up, putting his head in his hands. "I'm terrified, you know that? Do you know what losing my brain represents for me? It's all I have! Without it… without my… I'm… I'm nothing! It's… it's a nightmare come true…"
"I know, Rodney. I know. I know you; I know what it must be doing to you. But don't say your only value is in your intelligence, because that's not true. We love you, with or without it."
He looked at her at those words, and what she saw in his eyes made her breath catch in her throat.
"Jennifer, I… I have to know. Please. Just… Just tell me… if…"
She couldn't bear the intensity of his gaze any longer, and looked down.
"Rodney," she said softly. "I… I don't think now's the time to -"
"Yes, yes it is! I… Soon I… I won't be all here, and I want to know before… Please."
She took a deep, shaky breath, and whispered:
"I… I really wanted you to invite me out, after... But you didn't, and I… I was… waiting for you to -"
His hand on her cheek stopped her, and she felt her eyes widen. Her heart was beating madly against her chest.
A second later his lips were on hers.
She made a small sound of surprise, but didn't pull back. He took that as a good sign, and placed his hands in her hair, his mouth starting to move softly against hers.
She couldn't control herself any longer. His lips were warm and soft, his smell intoxicating. She hooked her hands behind his neck, pulling him closer, and kissed him back.
It was a slow kiss, but tender and meaningful, and she was amazed by what transpired from it about the depth of Rodney's feelings. It was true, he really loved her, and she was oh so glad that they were finally going somewhere, that they would be a couple, that she would be able to kiss him like that anytime she wanted.
But she wouldn't.
The thought suddenly struck her, and she pulled back in shock. She wouldn't be able to kiss him, because he was slowly dying, and it was entirely up to her to save him, and there she was, selfishly kissing him instead of spending her time trying to find a cure.
"Oh! Oh, I'm sorry," McKay said, startled by the abrupt end of their kiss. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that, I… I couldn't help myself… but then I thought you… didn't mind and… Of course, that was, um… stupid of me to think that… because really, why would you… I mean, I assumed -"
She extricated herself from her thoughts to keep him from rambling any further.
"Rodney, it's ok, I'm not complaining."
"Oh. Good. Well, um, then… Why… did you -"
Jennifer took a deep breath, trying to calm herself.
"Because… because you're sick, Rodney, and it's wrong of me to spend time kissing you when I should be trying to find a cure."
"Well… you're allowed to take breaks, no?" he joked.
She smiled sadly and stood up.
"I'm sorry… If… no, when you get better, we can… but not now… Right now, I… I need to concentrate."
She waited until he nodded once, sadly, and she turned back and walked away.
--
DAY 10
"Rodney McKay. I'm head of Science and ... and ... and ... and ... Research," he said, struggling. "Dammit!" he added, frustrated, getting off his seat.
"It's okay," Jennifer gently replied.
"No it is not!"
--
After that night, Jennifer absorbed herself in her research, barely taking the time to eat or sleep. Her sense of panic was rapidly growing. Nothing they did seemed to affect the parasite, and their time was getting shorter. Rodney's state was rapidly deteriorating: in a week, at most, he wouldn't remember his own name. From there, the descent would be fast: within days, his brain wouldn't be able to perform the basic tasks necessary to keep his body alive, and he would die.
Jennifer tried as hard as she could not to think about that.
--
She couldn't believe it. They wanted to give up on him, to bring him to some magic shrine that would give him one more day as himself, and then kill him. She couldn't understand them. He wasn't dead yet, there was still hope, the solution might be inches away from her fingertips, it was still possible to cure him! They still had ideas, they were still thinking of new treatments that might work!
There was no way she would let them do that. She'd put her foot down. No matter if they hated her for it, no matter if they didn't understand; the only thing that mattered was Rodney, and getting that parasite out of his head.
And she couldn't believe that they even considered making such a trip. Did they not know Rodney at all? Couldn't they predict how he was going to react, in what anguish he would spend that last day, if it was bestowed upon him?
She couldn't understand them, and so she refused to let him go. She ignored Ronon's glares and Teyla's disbelieving looks and focused entirely on Rodney. He loved her, he believed in her, and she wouldn't let him down.
She would get to kiss him again.
--
Jeanie arrived a few days later. She'd expected some support from her. She thought she'd understand. Who could know Rodney better than his sister? Surely Jeanie would realize that nothing could be worse for her brother than to come back and live for one day with the knowledge of his imminent death.
She was wrong, and it seemed nothing she could say would make them change their minds.
Sheppard asked her to come with them, and she was almost tempted to decline. If the shrine worked, which she very much doubted, she knew it wouldn't be the peaceful goodbyes they were all expecting. She didn't think she could withstand Rodney's agony over his impeding death. She accepted, however, because she would do anything to make the painful day ahead of him a little more bearable, and she knew her being there would help. She would do everything she could to make him happy for those few hours.
She certainly wouldn't pull back if he kissed her again.
--
They were back, Rodney was saved, and the world suddenly seemed brighter than it had been for weeks. She didn't feel like crying for the first time in many days, except maybe to cry in joy and relief. He was healthy, he was safely asleep in bed, and she couldn't stop smiling.
She walked by his bed, wanting to make sure he was alright, and found that his sister was still there.
"Why don't you go and get some sleep? I'm gonna be here all night."
"No, it's OK," Jeanie answered. "I'd like to be here when he wakes up."
"Well, it could be a while. He does love to sleep, our Rodney!"
"You should have seen him when he was a teenager," she replied with a small laugh.
"Who can sleep with all the talking?" McKay mumbled unexpectedly, turning his head towards them.
"Hi!" said Jeanie.
"Hi."
"You still, uh ... all there?" she asked, gesturing at her own head.
"Well, there was so much to spare," Rodney replied, smiling
He was back, and everything was right again.
--
Later that night, Jeanie had gone to bed, and Rodney had fallen asleep again. Jennifer couldn't resist the temptation any longer, and sat by his bed, watching him sleep peacefully.
She wondered what he remembered. Had he forgotten about his declaration, about their kiss? If he had… She sighed. It would all be back to square one.
Well, not exactly, she thought. At least she knew he loved her, and she understood her feelings about him a little better. Now, she wouldn't be afraid to make the next step.
She saw him stir in his bed, and seconds later he opened his eyes. His gaze fell upon her, sitting by his side.
"Hey," he greeted, and by the way he smiled at her, by the small sparkle in his eye, by his look of complete satisfaction at seeing her there, she knew.
He remembered everything.
"Hey," she answered, smiling back.
She got to kiss him for a second time that night, and many more after that.