::notey note:: set 2 weeks after the battle between the strigoi and the academy. dimitri was saved before he was turned but ever sine he has been thinking alot about how the past few months have played out. rose can barely contain the madness she takes from lissas mind while lissa practices her magic with adrian. day by day it gets worse.::
-disclaimer- i do not own anything from vampire academy.
Lissa was finally getting the hang of being able to see auras which I thought was cool until she saw mine. Thats all a needed another person telling me how dark and sad my aura looked. As if Adrian wasn't enough. Now every time she looked at me I felt the worry and guilt flow through the bond and like always I couldn't have her feeling that way pulled her emotional distress into my own.
A few weeks ago I discovered the reason I had had so many outbursts and Un-rose like thoughts and emotions. After almost killing Jesse and Ralf and my romance with Dimitri I had learned somewhat to control it. Always reminding myself that it was to protect Lissa. They come first. That saying was really starting to get to me. But I never went against it.
I felt myself getting even more upset with myself but slowly pushed it aside with as much effort as I could. I didn't know how much more of this I could take. I was bubbling inside me ready to burst out and it seemed like everyone was purposely trying to see how far they could go before I burst. 'yup' I thought to myself as I saw Adrian cutting across the school yard after spotting us.
"little dhamphir!" he smirked at me. I soon found that his spirit induced charisma wasn't as strong as it used to be and I had feeling it had to be because of how annoyed he made me. He looked at me with a quizzical look one he normally got when he was looking at my aura. "what?" I asked him hands on my hips. " is my aura different of something?" he smirked again. God I hated that smirk I just wanted to punch it right off him. "more so. It's darker than ever" he said this time seriously. I waved my hand in the air a gesture to show him how little I cared. But then I looked at Lissa her face mimicked the emotions radiating through the bond. Worry. Fear. Guilt. She started to reach out her hand as she did everything she though she could heal. "whoa now" I pushed her and back. "don't even think about it. The more you use the magic the more it will hurt you" or me I thought. Adrian and I were the only ones who knew what was happening. He told me a few weeks ago that when Lissa was upset he had seen the darkness in her aura jump into mine. It was then we realized that I took the dark thoughts and depression into myself. I couldn't bare to tell Lissa what I knew. I knew exactly how she would feel. The guilt she would feel would be too much to bare. So I kept it between Adrian and I. But right now Lissa could sense something was wrong and she want to help me. Heal me like she had before but I don't think this could be healed and I didn't want her to waste her magic on me.
Her thoughts in the bond told me she hated not being able to help me when I needed it. I put a hand on her shoulder. "don't worry Liss. I'm fine. Apparently my aura has always been dark. I'm just a little grumpy thats all. I think I need to eat." I smiled at her and through the bond I could feel her feeling less hurt than she was. We headed of to breakfast and Adrian parted ways thank god.
the strigoi attack had left a lot of people still in shock and the school was never the same. I hadn't seen Dimitri since after the raid of the hide out. Eddie and I had went in after one of the middle school moroi girls had come out and told us that there had been more in there than we thought. Dimitri was lying motionless on the ground when I turned the corner and my shock had slowed me a little. the strigoi was hovered over him and had almost taken enough blood to kill him. I shook the shock off though and fought with the strigoi. After a few minutes I had staked him and checked to make sure there weren't any more. Alberta Eddie and Stan had taken out the other ones. After Alberta assessed Dimitri's wound and loss of blood they took him back and they were able to save him. Lissa had tried to help but hadn't reached that strength in her magic after going off the pills. She was still to weak to do anything and she felt useless. He had healed since then but I hadn't seen him since then. That was almost two weeks ago I've never gone so long without seeing him and I wondered if he was okay. I had apparently been lost in my own depressing thoughts and Lissa was trying to get my attention.
"rose?" she looked at me with that worried look. "rose? Are you okay? I was trying to tell you I was gonna go to the feeders if you wanted to go get something to eat and wait for me?" I looked at her shaking off the depressed feelings I was getting and smiled "yeah sure I'll be over there" I pointed at a table far back on the other side of the cafeteria. She smiled and told me she would be back in a little bit. I soon found I wasn't much in the mood to eat but Lissa wanted me to so I went up the line and grabbed a donut and some bacon. As I walked across the cafeteria I noticed that some people were staring at me and some just avoided eye contact all together I heard whispers and caught some of the words "psychopath, lunatic." some were on my defense though "amazing. Strong. Bad ass" I realized then that most of the stares were from people who had seen me fight along side Christian in the strigoi battle two weeks ago. The one avoiding me were mostly friends of Jesse and Ralf and were probably afraid of me.
I nibble on the donut while I waited for Lissa and was soon joined again by Adrian. "what?" I said in a voice that didn't even sound like my own. I really did not want to see him right now. "oh a little edgy today are we?" he didn't sound like himself either. He was serious right now and seemed to be concerned. "don't you have an alcohol bottle you should be drinking" I asked eying him warily. "nope. No liquor today. Though even under the influence I think I would be able to see your aura" he eyed me more and I realized how awkward that probably looked to other people its no wonder those crazy rumors were going around. Thinking about that just made me angrier. "whoa!" Adrian stated his eyes widened. "what now?" his arms flew up and I could tell people were now staring at us like we were crazy. "your aura. It just flared up like a fire." now I was a little curious could that be what happens when my own emotions flare? Strange. "could you just leave me alone for once" I said dryly. The seriousness was gone now and his smug stupid smile was back. He cupped my hand and stared into my eyes. "i don't think thats possible if I left you alone yo would just come to me. Don't deny your feelings for me rose" he smiled even bigger. "i know you have dreams of me naked at your door in the middle of the night" he winked at me and thats what set me off. I had hoped that I had pushed the anger away but now it was back. All of it at full force and that one little wink and that stupid smile. Sent me raving. "NO!" I slammed my hands down on the table. Everyone was now watching us but I didn't care. Adrian needed to know that I didn't love him that I didn't even like him actually in fact I loathed him. "shut up! Just shut the hell up! Stop hitting on me I don't like you at all. Your obnoxious and arrogant and just all around a horrible person!" he stared at me the smile was now gone and fear was all over his face i didn't think I was that threatening right now but then I noticed he want looking at me but my aura. "your stupid attempts at trying to get me have made my life a living hell. I have a smaller chance now of being Lissa guardian thanks to you! Can't you just take a hint and leave me alone and go away." his fear still filled his face but the last sentence had sent a clear message to you. He stood up masking the fear with anger and stormed off. Lissa had entered while I was yelling at him and her face stayed solemn but I could feel what was going through her mind as she stared at me. She was angry at me but more than that confused on why I had blew up at him. She also apparently heard me say how I had less of a chance of being her guardian thanks to him. She didn't know what to do being mad at me she didn't want to sit by me and I didn't want her to. Who knew what I would say to her. She left and I left standing there alone still angry still upset with the whole cafeterias eyes still focused on me. The rest of my day was an angry blur I kept to myself Eddie was still guarding Lissa for the trials and being on halftime I wasn't with Christian today. Thank god his attitude would have probably sent me on a murderous rampage. I really wished I could talk to Dimitri but he was still healing They took him off guardian duty until the trials were over. I didn't think they were allowed to do that considering guardians always had to be prepared for what was out there. I guess since he was young and there were extra guardians here they could let him rest. I hated not being able to talk to him. I searched the bond for Liss which told me she had went off after Adrian. Her feelings had changed though and she was now worried for both of us. She was scared of what was going on with me and honestly I was too.
I didn't want to see anyone after breakfast and since this was technically a day off. I decided to just veg in my room for the rest of the day. I hadn't realized until I got to my room how exhausted my outburst had made me. I soon found myself drifting into sleep. Though I wasn't asleep for long I soon found myself slipping into another of adrians dreams. God did this guy like not listen to anything I said to him. But when I turned to look at him it was Adrian but Lissa who was standing in front of me. "Liss? So you finally learned how to enter other peoples dreams" I exclaimed I didn't like her using magic but I was happy she was able to do this now we could talk again. "no" she said solemnly I could feel sorrow in the bond but she was keeping her thoughts from me. "this is adrians he brought me along" I wanted to ask how but then Adrian came out from behind one of the trees. I hadn't even noticed we were back in his garden where he had told me his family history and told me about my aura. I glared at him my anger from be still hadn't seemed to settle and I wondered why I felt like this. I mean I didn't really hate him he was just annoying a lot but I didn't hate him. "why do you always gotta bug me in my sleep? And how did you even know I was gonna be asleep" he smiled but it was a sad smile not the usual smirk he normally wore "i just checked in. i'm helping Lissa and luckily you seemed to be asleep" ugh. Great now I wish I was with Christian instead of asleep. "can't you leave me alone. I openly stated that I don't like you and you still wont leave me alone" I had no idea why I was being such a bitch well I did but I wished I wasn't. "don't worry" he said grimly "this is the last time. Now that Lissa is able to see auras and dream walk I don't need to stick around" guilt panged inside me as I sense what was coming next. "I'm leaving tomorrow and I wont bother you again. Don't worry." Liss just stood there her face staying completely devoid of feelings. But she was still angry at me and now that Adrian was leaving she was more angry at me. Her worry for me was still there but pushed so far back by how mad and disappointed she was. I wanted to tell her that I was disappointed too but my anger wouldn't let me its like I was only anger now and I didn't like it the few moments lately that I wasn't angry had been filled with sorrow and regret. I don't think I had been happy in a while actually. The silence was heart breaking Lissa looked at me with anger in her eyes and Adrian just wouldn't even look at me. I was about to say something when Adrian ended the dream. One of the strangest dreams I had had with Adrian and waking up from it had left me feeling miserable. My anger had now turned into guilt frustration and sorrow. I climbed out of bed and decided maybe a nice hot bath would relax me. I shuffled off to the bathroom and passed Eddie while heading there. He smiled at me "you doing okay" he asked. I knew I couldn't say I was fine to him it was written all over my face how bad I was feeling. "as okay as I can be" I smiled a fake smile and he decided not to push me into talking about it. He was already in a rush to meet Lissa and Christian. I waved him goodbye and kept walked to the bathroom.
My mind swirled with emotions as I soaked in the tub. Why did I say those things to Adrian? He probably hated me now but I would hate me too after what I had said. Actually I already was hating myself I felt weak. Not being able to push down the madness I took from Lissa. Lissa. I couldn't stand to have her mad at me too. I remembered when she was angry at me from telling she cut but this was different I didn't do this to try and help her like I had before. I was losing everything and everyone. Was I even up to it to protect her. Would my madness take over and ruin my chances of being her guardian? Or anyones for that matter? No one would want a crazy guardian. She didn't need me. She had Dimitri to guard her what would she need me for.Expendable expendable. The more I thought about it the sadder I got. I held my self digging my nails into my arms. I remembered what Lissa had said when she was cutting. Physical pain to ease the mental anguish. It wasn't working though my thoughts only justified the pain. Telling me I deserved to feel pain and more much much more. I didn't deserve the life I had I shouldn't even be alive. Tears streamed down my face and those dark thoughts engulfed me and soon pushed me under the water. I could see the blood I had drawn from my arms rising in the water. I soon felt the sweet sensation of water trickling into my lungs. My thoughts were happy now. I was getting what I deserved. Everyone would soon not have to deal with me anymore. Lissa could finally be happy and lean spirit with Adrian and love Christian. And Dimitri wouldn't have to worry about our horrible love problem. I would no longer be in anyones way. The twisted thoughts had actually made me smile something I hadn't done in so long. I closed my eyes and smiled as I drifted off into darkness.