Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek, the shrink says so, and I don't own the song First Floor People by Barcelona
Warnings: Slash, Language, Character Death, oh and Angst because apparently I have a fixation with it, I say it's just the only thing I'm good at other then crack.
A/N: The discovery of this song (which led to this idea) can be put down to and although she told me she did not like character death, it was in a different context, so hopefully she might like this one.
P.S I'm only semi-back I've been ill lately and then bundled under college work so I struggle to find time to write. Anyway ENJOY!
Red Eyes
First floor people
I'll take my place among the throngs
Everyone reading books on how not to fall
He stood on the observation deck, watching with some of the other crew as the enterprise started the docking procedure. Not long ago they had been returning to earth, the atmosphere one of relief and celebration, happy to be home on leave, to see their families, get new reading material, and to get away from the hypo happy doctors. This time the atmosphere was so different, it was suffocating. Many of the people around him had black rings and blood shot eyes, the cause being sleepless nights pulling double or triple shifts, or just nights tormented by nightmares. The infirmary had been overwhelmed by the inflow of people looking for something to help them sleep.
His brown eyes were drawn to one person amongst the crowd, the one person who had no red lines on the whites of their eyes, and the one person who looked like he had slept enough even though he knew it was a lie and the man had slept less than anyone. And in the view of brown eyes he was the only person who had the right to look like a piece of shit who had been smeared around the universe and back in an hour.
As the jolted with the clamped connecting to the ship, brown eyes watched with worry as the man his eyes were focused on sighed and nodded, mainly to himself, before making his way to his quarter to get his things and disembark the ship.
Some may say, the world looks the same through red eyes
No way
Covered in dirt off the floor, I'm seeing straight
It hurt far more than it should have, it wasn't fair. Almost everyone had offered him condolences and given him sympathetic looks, none of them really understood, except, maybe, Admiral Pike. The man was creepy some times, his gaze silently telling you he knew everything and anything. A man could only take so much shit before he broke.
Many people looked shocked when they saw him walking aimlessly around the Academy. His uniform covered in the mud and dirt that came from taking his anger out on the garden. A garden he had spent many nights contemplating when he was just a cadet, it felt like a life time ago. He had sat on the ground, slightly damn from the humid night's air, and blinked at the destruction he had coursed; flower, grass and earth all turned up from the kicks and punches he had delivered to the ground. His eyes had stung with the tears he refused to let fall but then as he looked at the stars, his home, he realised what he should do was to go and get drunk.
So that was where he planned to go, the fact he couldn't remember where his room was, having ended up outside the one he had as a cadet, had prevented his planned excursion.
Don't be scared if you know
Help me to explain myself
Who am I to fool now if you're gone, you're gone?
If I am found below the ground
I'm searching, desperate.
His mind still hadn't quite gotten around the fact that he was gone. He still saw him, giving that annoying smirk-y grin that told everyone he knew something. That something never meant anything good for the other members of the crew who just didn't understand the sadism he held, mainly caused by his career choice. He even had conversations with him until someone walked in and interrupted him, when he turned back he was gone.
He was gone. Who knew three words could make his heart stop and everything spin? Who knew three words made his heart feel like it was braking in two million pieces? With him...gone he had no one to laugh with, to lay with when he couldn't sleep and just wanted to talk but they never spoke. Who would understand the silences that said everything about his fears and his dreams?
He clung to the memories, the clothes left in his quarters, the ring on his finger, the pendant around his neck, salvaged with the body.
Prepared people, take your places on deck.
I'm a lost boy with no one to tell me I am safe
He was meant to be the strong one, he was meant to be the one ready for anything. The death of one of his crew shouldn't affect him. But as he stood in front of everyone gathered in front of the academy, the coffins laid in front of him, between him and the people who he knew were real, unlike the person he saw standing beside the casket in the middle.
As he stood there, mouth open and closing, trying to chock the words out, he had never felt more alone. Who would he go too for a hug when he was stressed? Who would care about him enough to berate him when he came back injured after saving people? Who would sit at his bedside in the infirmary and wait for him to shoot up in panic as all his mind registered was what happened before he ended up in the infirmary? Who would hold him and tell him everything would be ok because he was safe, they were safe?
Overarching rules have told me not to think about,
Everything he knew, everything he had been taught and everything his mind and body shouted at him, he had ignored in favour of what his heart told him and what felt right. However, now he wished he had listened because he would be able to listen to his instincts which told him, with every other loss of a crew member, not to think about it until he was in private. He still couldn't speak.
This hole is deeper by the hour
My hands are bleeding I spin around
You're nowhere
I'll throw away my ugly plans
They're too tired to push me anywhere but down
"The last few days have been hard for all of us from the Enterprise and no doubt many of our cadets and commanders from the academy" he finally said, feeling that his heart no longer existed and he felt sick. "We lost many and no one can replace them." He suddenly gave a bitter laugh and felt everything spin. He had been warned about trying to give a speech on his own, whilst he was upset and sober. It was the one time he was permitted to drink...but he hadn't managed to raise the drink he so desperately wanted to his lips.
He didn't know what was so funny but he couldn't stop laughing. Tears fell down his face as he gripped the podium to support himself. He lent back when hands gripped his shoulders and he was lowered to the floor and held tightly, but the arms weren't the same, they were too skinny and didn't squeeze him to reassure him everything would be ok. He looked to his hands and saw they were red, red with blood. He scratched at them but they were caught and he heard an accented voice in his ear.
"Come now mate, it's alright, Shh...he wouldn't want you like this." He stopped laughing and started to sob turning into Scotty's chest.
"He was all I had, he was...we were...I don't know what to do Scotty...he was everything, every plan I had..."
"Shh mate" he rocked them watching the crowd watch with worry. They didn't understand what was going on but they had never seen the strong collected captain in such a state.
"But I loved him"
"I know...and that's all you have to say" he gripped Scotty's shirt and just cried for the first time in a week, it felt like a year. A year since Bones had been taken from him and everything had been ruined because all his plans included him and now they just made him drown in his sorrow.
Sorry dont know whats up with the spaceing. Anyway, review if your not too busy trying to pretend your not too teary...or if you feel like being very nice.
Demented