A/N: Me and my sister are retarded and think of these things when we're bored. We wrote this story together out of the randomness that is our collective mind. Enjoy.
Hitsugaya sat at his desk filling out the newest forms relating to absolutely nothing important
Hitsugaya sat at his desk filling out the newest forms relating to absolutely nothing important. He was annoyed that his lieutenant was nowhere to be found, but still thankful for the peace and quiet. However all good things must come to an end, as the saying goes.
"Naw, naw that ain't it. Listen, the old geezer would have white hair if he wasn't bald 'cuz he's, well, OLD! The others I don't know about…"
"Well I heard that Ukitake's hair is white only 'cuz he's got that tuberlociousness-thing. Wonder what it was before that…"
"It's 'tuberculosis' ya dumb blond. The other three are still unaccounted for. Me thinks Ichimaru's got, like, pre-mature graying of the hair."
"Has all that tattoo ink gone to your brain? I've known Gin since we were kids. He's always had white hair, like my captain."
"Alls I'm sayin' is that they might just bleach their hair. I mean c'mon, who has naturally white hair?" Matsumoto, Renji, and Hisagi had all entered the office where Hitsugaya sat trying his best to focus on the papers in front of him. Glancing up he noticed something was a bit off with them.
"Oi, why are you-"
"CAPTAIN!" Matsumoto screamed while running over to and hugging the prodigy. He nearly gagged as the overpowering stench of alcohol burned his nose. "Could you settle something for us? Why do you and Gin both have white hair? Hisagi thinks you guys bleach it……Oi! Are you listening to me?" Hitsugaya had shrugged his lieutenant off and hunched over his desk as he furiously filled out the papers while muttering about the evils of alcohol. Hisagi and Renji both made their way, however shakily, over towards his desk and Hitsugaya felt like he had just stuck his face into a barrel of sake.
"Watcha' workin' on?" Renji asked picking up a completed from and ripping half of it in the process. They young captain was literally shaking with rage. Not only did his lieutenant ditch him when he needed to get some forms filled out before a captains' meeting, she had returned with two of her…henchmen, and all three of them were wasted beyond logical reasoning. He calmed down slightly once he realized he had just finished the last form and still had five minutes before the meeting started.
"Whoa! Why are you shakin' like that Captain Chibi? Ya' got a cold or somethin'?" Hisagi asked. Hitsugaya finally lost control.
"That's it! You two! Get the hell out of my office!" he yelled standing up and pointing toward the door.
"Jeez, what's with all the anger, Captain?" Matsumoto asked.
"Oh I don't know! Maybe you vanishing when I had paperwork that needed to be done by a deadline! Or it could be you and your goons waltzing in here and disturbing my peace with your drunken ramblings!" To say Hitsugaya was upset would be the understatement of the year.
"Well your done the work now anyway, ain't ya'? Relax and have some sake before the captains' meeting. I've still got a whole bottle on me." Renji said as he pulled a bottle of sake out of his sash. Hisagi did likewise.
"Yeah, me too! C'mon and have a drink, Captain!" They both placed to bottles down on the young captain's desk.
"Well I've still got two whole bottles left." Matsumoto said while pulling two more bottles out of the top of her uniform and setting them down next to the others.
"No, thank you. I don't drink alcohol." Hitsugaya said while glaring at the three drunken shinagami in front of him.
"Why not? At least just have some." Hisagi pleaded.
"No, alcohol is a vile drink that causes one to lose vital motor functions and basically make complete asses out of themselves. I think I'll pass."
"C'mon Captain, just a little bit?" Matsumoto did her best puppy dog impression; Hitsugaya was unaffected.
"No."
"Please?"
"I said no."
"Just a sip?"
"For the last time, NO!"
"If you won't drink it I'll force you." She said with a serious face, which was met with a scoff from the captain.
"Like you could." The second the words left his mouth he regretted it. Matsumoto turned toward her fellow lieutenants and all three simultaneously nodded. Hitsugaya was starting to get nervous. Suddenly both Renji and Hisagi dove at the captain and effectively pinned him on his back to the ground, each lieutenant holding down an arm and a leg. For a moment Hitsugaya was too shocked to do anything, but soon he started thrashing so as to break free. Or at least he tried to; the two men were just too heavy. Matsumoto came over with the four sake bottles and placed on the ground next to her pinned captain. She took one in hand and knelt over him.
"Say 'Aaaaaah', Captain" she said. Hitsugaya just turned his head away from her. She would not be thwarted so easily however, and preceded to grab his nose with her free hand and turn his face toward her while trying to force him to open his mouth by cutting off his air supply. Hitsugaya's lungs were burning from the lack of oxygen; maybe he could get a quick breath before she noticed. He opened his mouth to breath and instantly had the bottle emptied in it. He tried to spit the liquid back out, but his lieutenant, who was moving rather quickly despite her impediment might I add, had clamped her hand over his mouth so he couldn't. Hitsugaya really didn't want to swallow the sake in his mouth, but it was starting to REALY burn in his mouth. When he couldn't take it anymore he surrendered and allowed the alcohol to be swallowed. 'Big mistake' he thought as now his throat was burning too. He gasped to try to cool his throat with some cool air only to have another bottle's contents drained down his throat. This caused him to start choking and coughing and before he could regain control of his airways, yet another bottle of sake was dumped into his throat. 'Great, so this is to be my fate. Captain Hitsugaya Toushiro, drowned with sake by his drunken lieutenant and her two drunken friends. Just terrific.' He returned to holding his breath and assessed the situation. Matsumoto was holding the last bottle over his mouth waiting for him to open it. He hadn't wanted to hurt the three lieutenants by releasing his rietsu, but enough was enough.
"GET OFF ME DAMMI-ack!" the fourthbottle was emptied. Hitsugaya had had it. He raised his rietsu to dangerous levels and sent the lieutenants flying off of him. He stood up, his face red with outrage. He turned toward the three who had all hit the same wall.
"YOU! YOU THREE ARE D-" he stopped once he glance at the clock. He was already five minutes late for the captains' meeting.
"DAMMIIIIIIIIIT! YOU THREE BETTER RUN AND HIDE! WHEN I GET BACK YOU ARE DONE!" he yelled over his shoulder as he sprinted out of the tenth division.
"Hmmm, that didn't seem to effect him at all." Matsumoto said with disappointment in her voice. Hisagi shrugged his shoulders.
"Maybe he's got a ridiculously high alcohol resistance level."
"Nah, it's probably just on delay. I'm sure he'll feel the effects soon." Renji said while sitting down on the couch.
"That should turn out to be a pretty interesting captains' meeting."
As Hitsugaya ran past several of the shinagami bystanders noticed a few things. There was the fact that he was leaving an ice trail in his walk, which told them he was pissed about something. The other thing was that he seemed to be stumbling and almost losing his balance every ten strides or so. At one point he tripped over nothing and landed on his face. Several nearby shinagami gasped and rushed over to help him, asking if he was ok. To his own surprise he realized he didn't feel a thing so he got back up and continued on his way.
"Nice of you to join us, Captain Hitsugaya." Yamamoto boomed as the door opened to reveal Hitsugaya standing lopsided in the hallway, his eyes half-closed and his mouth slightly open. He looked at the two columns of captains in the room.
"Whoa! What are you all doin' here?" he slurred pointing into the room. The other twelve captains gave him quizzical looks.
"Well, if you recall, Captain Hitsugaya, this is a captains' meeting and you are twenty minutes late. What do you have to say for yourself?" Yamamoto questioned the young captain. Hitsugaya stumbled into the room, zigzagging diagonally until he was standing between the rows of captains.
"I wasn't late, you all were just extra early. 'sides, I'm tired of always having to be on time. I've got places to be people to meet, imma very busy person, I can't be wastin' all my time with you old geezers. Ya' got a problem with that? I'll kick all ya' asses! Bring it on BITCHES!" Hitsugaya was standing with his arms spread while he gave a daring look to all the other captains.
"Are ya' ok, Tenth Squad Captain-san? Ya' seem abit odd." Gin said with his usual grin in place. Hitsugaya turned on him and stumbled over to the third squad captain, pointing in his face and standing on his tiptoes, trying to look directly in his face.
"I'm fine. What do you know? You don't know me! You don't know anything! Ya' can't even see, can ya'? HELLOOOOOOO?!" Gin's usual grin faltered and he opened his eyes the tiniest bit.
"I can see just fine, Captain Hitsugaya." Hitsugaya flipped him the bird.
"Here's a sight test. How many fingers am I holdin' up?" All the captains gasped, and Gin opened his eyes even more to full out glare at the short captain in front of him. Everyone in the room who could see his face physically cringed and shrank back, or more accurately, everyone in the room who was sober and could see his face physically cringed and shrank back.
"Uhh, Hitsugaya-kun, maybe shouldn't…" Ukitake trailed off as the younger captain turned to look at him. Suddenly Hitsugaya's eyes lit up and he ran over to the older captain and starting petting his hair.
"Oh my God! Your hair is soooooo pretty. Pretty, pretty hair." He started rubbing Ukitake's hair on his face. "And it's so soft too."
"What's up with you, little guy? Take too many anti-depressants or somethin'" Kenpachi asked as he looked sideways at the tenth squad captain who was pulling Ukitake's hair in obviously painful ways. Hitsugaya looked up at the much larger man with watery eyes.
"I don't take anti-depressants! I'm not depressed, just stressed. You don't know half the shit I go through on a daily bases! Aaaaarrrrgh! I hate my life! I can't take it anymore! That's it!" The less-than-sober captain unsheathed Hyorinmaru and turned the blade on himself, inches away from slitting his throat. The other captains moved to stop him but halted, unsure of what to do. "Here we go, I'm ending this hell quickly and violently! Y'know I'd hate to be the one that's gonna have to clean up this mess…..y'know who never cleans up their messes? Matsumoto. Damn bitch's always leaving sake bottles all over and…wait, what was I doing?" he lowered his sword and started scratching his head as if trying to remember something important. "Oh well." He re-sheathed his sword and the other captains sighed in relief.
"Well that was weird…" Kenpachi said while scratching behind his ear.
"HEY! I have a song stuck in my head…" the shortest captain suddenly exclaimed. He cleared his throat and started dancing in a samba type of way while singing;
"They call me Cuban Pete,
I'm the king of the Rumba beat,
When I play the Maracas I go
Chick chicky boom
Chick chicky boom" each time he sang 'boom' he swayed his hips in an overly exaggerated (and slightly feminine) way, which caused some of the captains to laugh, some to sweat drop, and others (most notably Gin) to smile in suggestive ways.
"Yes, sir, I'm Cuban Pete
I'm the craze, of my native street
When I start to dance, everything goes
Chick chicky boom
Chick chicky boom" Hitsugaya danced his way over to Unohana and began to continue dancing around her in a circle while singing:
"The senorita's they sing,
And then they swing with their lumbaro.
It's very nice!
So full of spice
And when they dance and they bring a happy ring,
They're a care-o, singing a song...
All the day long!" It took all the will power she had for Unohana to not burst out laughing. Instead she had an extremely amused smile on her face as she observed the younger captain's antics. Hitsugaya returned to dancing in between the rows of captains.
"So if you like the beat,
Take a lesson from Cuban Pete,
And I'll teach you to
Chick chicky boom
Chick chicky boom
Chick chicky boom!" Now he danced his way over to Soi Fon and grabbed her arm with one hand and slid his other arm around her back, forcing her to dance with him as he kept on singing.
"Si Senorita, I know that you would like to chick chicky boom.
It's very nice!
So full of spice!
I place my hand on your hip and if you will just give me your hand,
Then we shall try,
Just you and I...AYE-AYE-AYE!
So if you like the beat,
Take a lesson from Cuban Pete,
And I'll teach you to
Chick chicky boom
Chick chicky boom
Chick chicky boom!" And with that he released the older captain and proceeded to trip and fall flat on his face where he started giggling into the floor. Soi Fon on the other hand looked pissed and disgusted.
"Captain Hitsugaya, you positively reek of alcohol. Did your lieutenant finally break you down enough that you'd start drinking? Or did she use her height advantage to somehow force you to get drunk? Didn't I tell you that people like us can use our shorter stature to sweep kick other's legs out from underneath them to get an advantage." Hitsugaya shakily got up and sighed while shaking his head in a way that implied he was about to explain something that was blindingly obvious.
"Soi Fon, you ignorant slut, everyone knows that if you try to trip Matsumoto she won't fall, only hover in the air like a demon. That fox-faced bastard of a captain over there told me that himself." He motioned over his shoulder with his thumb toward the third division captain who simply shrugged his shoulders while his grin grew.
"Did...you just call me…an ignorant slut?" Soi Fon Almost stammered, half out of shock and half out of outrage. The captain of tenth division simply shrugged and scratched the back of his head.
"I dunno', maybe. I don't really pay attention to the little details. What's it matter anyway? Crazy ninja bitches don't have feelings anyway. It's true, they did a scientific study on it."
"I've never heard of such a study…" interjected Mayuri from his position in the columns of captains. Hitsugaya leaned back to peer across the room with droopy eyes toward the scientist.
"That's probably 'cuz you don't have ears." He turned back to Soi Fon. "Watch, I'll demonstrate. Soi Fon, you are a sadistic, whorish, lesbian that will never be loved and will probably die alone in a dark room, but hey, there are still plenty of guys that'd do ya'." Soi Fon was shaking with rage and was about to kill the little midget in the most painful and humiliating way she could think of when Byakuya stepped in.
"Captain Hitsugaya, no matter what one's state is, such language toward a woman is despicable. I cannot let it go."
"You wanna' fight pretty boy? Well bring it on bastard. No kiddie shit this is gonna be for real. You ready? Rock, paper scissors-"
"No, this has gone beyond a simple game of jaken. This calls for a real battle, a thumb war!" The black haired captain proclaimed while extending his hand. The younger captain smirked.
"If you insist…right hands, right?" Byakuya raised an eyebrow.
"Yeah, why?"
"No reason, let's go." With that they grabbed each other's hand and put their thumbs in the ready position. Byakuya said the traditional chant.
"1, 2, 3, 4, I declare a thumb war." Then Hitsugaya joined in with his own addition.
"5, 6, 7, 8, I use this hand to masturbate!" the reaction was instantaneous. The usually stoic face of Captain Kuchiki was replaced with and open-mouthed, half shocked half disgusted face. Yamamoto raised and eyebrow, Soi Fon retched, Gin started cracking up, Unohana gasped, Aizen looked shocked, Komomura simply spoke one word; "Disgusting", Shunsui seemed surprised and asked "Really?", Tosen just sighed and shook his head, Kenpachi sniggered and said that "The damn brat isn't as innocent as he looks", Mayuri was still pondering whether or not Soi Fon was capable of feeling emotions, and Ukitake looked like someone had just killed his puppy.
Meanwhile Byakuya had completely blown his composure and was currently swinging his arm wildly, trying to free it from the younger captain's grasp, while the white-haired young man was laughing so hard he was crying. With a yell and an extra hard swing the young prodigy was sent flying across the room and crashed into the third division captain; they both wound up in a heap of black and white on the floor. Hitsugaya frantically fought his way off the ground, delivering a few misplaced kicks into Gin's stomach and finally found himself back on his feet, however wobbly.
"He tried to molest me!" he screamed while pointing at a bewildered, and in pain, third division captain. Aizen cleared his throat.
"Um, Hitsugaya-kun, I don't want to contradict you, but Ichimaru didn't do anything but get kicked by you. Therefore, your accusation is unfounded." Hitsugaya crossed his arms in front of his chest, and addressed Aizen.
"Sure, stand up for the creepy ass sexual deviant. I bet you're his partner-in-crime, aren't you. You pretend to be a nice, caring guy to lure in your poor, unsuspecting prey. Then you get them into your secret basement and…"
"I can assure you that nothing like that is going on. Where would you even get that idea?" Aizen cut in before the younger captain could say something even more awkward. However, Hitsugaya refused to be stopped. He raised an eyebrow at Aizen.
"Oh, really?" The drunk prodigy removed Hyorinmaru from his back and, along with his captains jacket, tossed it to the floor. He then slid his arms out of the top half of his uniform and let it hang around his waist.
"Prove me wrong." He stood in front of Aizen with his arms spread out.
"Oh my Lord." Unohana, along with all the other captains in the room were giving their youngest colleague looks with varying degrees disbelief.
"Would someone please tell me what is going on?" Tosen said with a confused look on his face. Komomura cleared his throat.
"Er, well, Captain Hitsugaya seems to be removing his clothing…"
"Oh, wow…"
"Yeah…"
Aizen seemed completely unsure of how to handle the situation.
"Go on. Act like you don't want this, like you don't want to take advantage of me and…"
"CAPTAIN HITSUGAYA! THAT IS QUITE ENOUGH!" Yamamoto boomed over the white-haired captain, who almost fell over from surprise.
"Re-clothe yourself and get back into your position. We will discuss your punishment after this meeting is concluded." Hitsugaya looked creeped out.
"Was that a sexual comment, Captain Commander? I won't tolerate such boorish behavior in the workplace. You should be ashamed." He said while wagging his pointer finger side to side. The eldest captain gave a look so freighting even Byakuya faltered.
"You have gone to far, brat! You are to be…"
"Captain Commander Yamamoto. I don't believe punishing Captain Hitsugaya would be just. He is obliviously suffering from some ailment and is therefore not responsible for his actions." Unohana cut in.
"Listen to the woman, geezer. CALM DOWN!" He started rocking back and forth while singing "Caaaaaalm down, just caaaaaalm down!" over and over again. Unohana ignored him and continued talking.
"I would like to do a quick examination to determine what the disease is."
"It ain't no disease, the kid's obviously just wasted." Kenpachi said with a yawn, already bored with Hitsugaya's antics.
"Yes, while that is the most likely scenario, I would still like to be sure."
"As you wish, Captain Unohana. I'm calling a five-minute recess. Return here once that time has passed. Dismissed."
--(five minutes, twenty mentally scarred fourth division members and one destroyed examination room later)—
With all of the captains back in their usual position, not including the drunken Toshiro and Unohana who where in the middle of everybody, Unohana began to explain what she had found out about the younger captain.
"Well, like I suspected Captain Hitsugaya is drunk so I gave him a remedy I cooked up to relieve him of his drunkenness. Unfortunately it has had a strange affect on him. He seems to be acting extremely feminine."
"You mean gay," Kenpachi said looking a little more interested then before.
"Well, you could put it that way if you like but…" Unohana was cut off by a yelp from Gin.
"Aaahhow, don't grabe me there so hard!"
"Heh heh heh," Toshiro laughed as he looked up at Gin with a creepy smile.
"Ok fine gay," sighed Unohana.
"Captain Hitsugaya I think you should let go of Gin and get back into position," Aizen said as he tried to pull Toshiro away. Hitsugaya let go and turned around to face Aizen while still on his knees.
"I'm sorry for accusing you of bad behavior before please forgive me and take me," Hitsugaya said as he stripped off his shirt and throw his arms out wide like an offering.
"No that's ok," Aizen said shaking his head side to side while he backed away.
"Please I'm begging you put yourself insi…" Toshiro began but was cut of by Soi Fon.
"Wow that is quite enough."
"Shut up you stupid ninja lesbian, why don't you go find that human-cat lover thing you freak. Now Aizen why have you not taking me yet? Oh wait I get it you need help," Hitsugaya said as he began to take off Aizen's pants, but had a hard time because Aizen was holding his pants up.
"No Hitsugaya you must stop at once!" Aizen yelled.
"Unohana send a hell butterfly to Matsumoto right away telling her to come hear immediately for her punishment." Yamamoto ordered fed up with Hitsugaya's actions.
"Oh and tell her to bring the not so whorish lipstick the pink one not the red one, and my favorite scarf. I love that scarf." Toshiro said forgetting about what he was doing to Aizen, which gave Aizen time to repants himself.
"Yes Captain Commander Yamamoto," Unohana said as she got the butterfly ready and sent it out.
--(twenty minutes later)--
The doors open to reveal a somewhat scared tenth division squad lieutenant standing there.
"Can't anybody be on time today?" Yamamoto questioned.
"Sorry I had to grabe the stuff my Captain wanted first." Matsumoto said as she walked over to her Captain, who was for some reason rolling around on the floor drooling, and handed him the scarf and lip stick. Once the items were in his grasp he put the scarf on around his neck and then started to smear lipstick on his face.
"Well anyway I still have to punish you for some how intoxicating Captain Hitsugaya. Your punishment will be No alcohol for anybody for a month which means the bars will be closed two," Yamamoto boomed.
"But…" Matsumoto began but was cut off.
"No talking back, end of story."
"Ugh."
"Now take your captain home, and meeting dismissed."
--(The rest of that month was a horrible time for Matsumoto, because of no alcohol, under house arrest, and a lot more paperwork from Hitsugaya.)--
A/N: I think Toshiro became mentally retarded by the end of this.