Not a songfic, but the story is based on and inspired by the song 'Back to December' by Taylor Swift. I saw this really cute video and simply could not resist O.O
AU: a sad love story between Toris and Ivan, with broken hearts and fond memories…
Allons-y~
There was a definite chill in the air and some scattered piles of snow could be seen here and there on the ground on this morning in late January. People went about their business, be it casual or work-related. In the park there was the odd jogger, old people, parents with strollers, and of course the dog owners.
Toris pulled his scarf a bit tighter around his neck and for a minute just let himself be tugged along by Ramus, his dark brown Chow Chow. Taking a deep breath through his nose his head became much clearer than it had been when he first ventured out of his warm apartment, braving the outside world with a thick coat and a good pair of trusty woolen socks.
Walking around somewhat aimlessly, Toris took in the landscape around him. The trees stood bare and tall, so lanky yet so firm, standing through the weathers thrown at them, year after year. The strength of nature. If only he could save some of that himself; he could certainly need it for the job interview next week. No matter how hard he tried, it got so hard keeping a job, and the worst part being that he couldn't understand how. There could be some depression, yes, and he seemed to fumble after some time, despite trying to concentrate, but he didn't know why this happened.
The brunet sighed and reigned in his dog when they crossed a man walking two avid Dobermans. He just had to keep it together from now on. He may have a weak stomach and a mild mannered nature, but he would keep to his plans.
Man and dog passed by the now unfrozen lake at the park's center, making way to the fountain around the coppice.
I can do it, Toris thought firmly to himself. If I keep to the plan then I can handle whatever thrown my way. I—
Quick as an arrow, Ramus shot off barking at something, running past the trees and out of sight. Being lost in thought Toris had unconsciously loosened his grip on the leash and had been unprepared for the sudden escape.
Toris sprinted after and tried calling his furry friend back to him. "Ramus! Ramus, stop! Get back, boy!"
Feet stomping on the cold, hard ground, he rounded the trees and caught sight of the fluffy dog about fifteen feet away. He was skipping around a pair of boots and yapping up at the man who was wearing them. Toris was relieved that he hadn't gotten too far and hurried up to the man. Once he got nearer, he kneeled down and took hold of the leash and tugged the dog back to his side. After some hushing, Ramus quieted down.
"I'm really sorry for my dog, sir. I lost my grip and he ran away. I hope—" As he apologized, Toris actually looked at the man, and what he saw – or rather, who he saw – made his green eyes widen and cut off whatever he was about to say next.
The tall form reached two inches higher than himself, the sturdy frame clad in a tan coat and paired up with a oh-so familiar pink scarf around the man's neck. His hair was a beige-blond, short and slightly wavy, and his face was a bit rounded, almost childlike.
And the eyes; a violet color that seemed to reach into you, both so mesmerizing and terrifying.
Toris was standing face to face with Ivan Braginsky. His ex-lover.
Ivan stood completely still and was looking at him with those eyes of his, taking him in. Actually, it seemed like he was merely looking at Toris; his face was completely unreadable and there was no way to tell what the Russian was thinking.
Although, Toris felt that he could venture a few guesses. None of them were very pleasant.
"H-hi…Ivan," he said, feeling forced to do something about the uncomfortable silence.
"Toris," Ivan replied, his accented voice giving nothing away.
"It is good to see you. You look well." It wasn't a lie; the man did look well (despite the blank face), and it did feel a little good to see him again after all this time. As long as Toris could control himself and not freak out, it would end like a simple meeting between two acquaintances.
"Thank you. You look well yourself."
But you really didn't want to see me, Toris thought, and for some reason there was a stabbing sensation in his chest. "Thank you. It has been a little stressful lately, but I'm glad it's not too bad." He let out a small laugh, almost inaudible. Why had he brought that up? It's not like he was looking for sympathy or anything!
Something in the Russian's face changed when he heard the laugh; it appeared to have softened. "Your work is not going well?" he asked.
The brown-haired man scratched the back of his head and warmth spread to his cheeks. "Ah, well, I guess you could say I have trouble keeping the jobs I get. But I'm fine, just have to power through!" He tried to keep a light tone, not wanting to appear down about it.
Ramus stood impatiently below the two men, finally having done enough waiting he began tugging at the leash, trying to get his owner to move along. Ivan noticed this.
"You mind if I walk with you two?" he asked.
Toris was at first confused. "Two- oh!" He looked down at the dog, only now realizing how much he was insisting they keep walking. "Um, yes, of course!" And so they continued walking around the park, the Chow Chow skipping along on the cold grass.
"So, how has your own work been? Still the same company?" The Lithuanian felt sheepish for opting for such a topic, but he could not seem to think straight.
The tall man nodded, "Da, but I got a promotion, so work have been busier than ever."
Toris glanced sideways at the Russian, feeling his heart get somewhat heavier. Their conversation was so tense compared to how it used to be, the most noticeable difference being how guarded Ivan was acting; so unlike his carefree and honest ways of character that Toris remembered so fondly.
His mind screeched to a halt and he shook his head. Why had he thought that? It was over between them – he had been the one to end it!
He shuddered, not entirely because of the cold. "It's pretty cold, isn't it, huh?" He wanted to smack himself for that one.
"I suppose." Again such a short reply. Toris wondered fleetingly why Ivan had wanted to come along at all.
He thought about other topics that could be broached, trying to make this simple moment of talking last a bit longer. "Oh, by the way, how are thing with your sisters? I haven't seen them in a while, but I heard from Elizaveta that Yekaterina did an amazing audition about six months ago."
He liked Ivan's sisters, and back when they were still together they liked him too (the younger sister, Natalia, he had never been entirely sure of, though). However, once he broke it off with Ivan, his relationship with them turned stale, and he couldn't blame them – he up and left the precious brother (he was not really surprised when Natalia showed her loathing as openly as she could).
Ivan's older sister, Yekaterina, had the most outstanding voice and Toris had felt so proud over her when Elizaveta had told him. She wasn't very confident in herself, but she was a kind person and they had been close friends.
Until that December month…
His heart felt heavy again. Just proves how much have changed since then.
He looked back at Ivan's face and his stomach got a bit warmer when he spotted a small smile playing on the blond man's lips. "They are doing great, and Yekaterina is doing wonderful! Natalia is studying further – she is so smart!"
Toris smiled at how Ivan talked about his sisters, and then he felt himself missing the two girls more. He expected him to talk some more, but again it was just a short answer. They were now next to a park gateway, Ivan seemed to have led them there so he obviously meant to leave.
His mouth formed the words before he could stop it, "Are you free this afternoon?"
Toris wanted to smack himself. Why the hell did I say that? It's not like I want to have a drink with him and talk – and I'm sure he certainly does not! It's a miracle he's even here…
"Da," Ivan said. He was again looking at him with that unreadable expression.
Toris hesitated; the Lithuanian didn't really know which way to go from here. "Would- Would you, maybe, like to…I don't know, meet up again later?" Surprise and something he couldn't interpret flashed over Ivan's face. "To…catch up?" His nerves seemed to be jumping all over his skin as he finished talking, waiting nervously for some kind of reply.
The Russian was looking at him intensively, those violet eyes boring down into his own green and looking into his very soul. He felt like a criminal under heavy scrutiny, and he waited for the judgment.
"My place, five o'clock." The voice snapped him out of his thoughts. "Is that all right?" He was still looking at him.
Toris nodded, not eagerly. "Yes, great. I mean, um, it's good, perfect, eh…" He was such a fumbling fool! For God's sake, shut up already!
"See you later then," Ivan said and turned left, leaving the park for the street, therefor concluding their meeting.
Toris watched him leave.
Toris closed the door behind him and let Ramus out of his leash, the dog then making way off somewhere. The Lithuanian leaned heavily against the wall, sinking down until he sat on the floor. He drew up his knees to his chest, resting his head on them and released a sigh that would turn Mona Lisa's smile upside down.
Thirteen months. That's how long it had been since he last saw Ivan, since he last talked to him, and now this sudden surprise meeting sent him and what control he had over his life out on the big, wide ocean. A stormy and unpredictable ocean. An ocean that special shade of violet.
Ivan was that; unpredictable. He could be gentle, exciting, innocent, sinister, loving, suspicious, shy and straightforward. Their relationship had been one of happenstance, as in they faced the things coming their way and worked through it, as they could, together. Toris had been a person of 'knowing what to do next', a planner. Ivan had been curiosity incarnate and ready to take action, never mind the consequence. They learned from each other and shared their ways, creating one single being. How wonderful, the laughter and tears.
But it did not last. Toris had been afraid.
The fear had come as winter approached. All those amazing times in the summer, warmth and happiness; and then the fall came, bringing them closer in order to preserve that warmth and keep it with them.
As they were cuddled up close, the physical closeness and hum of affection coursing through him, everything sort of got to him. His head felt light as a feather – only one thought present in his mind. And that was when Toris realized he loved Ivan. Really loved him.
This realization, however, gave way for another, and another, until finally he laid there with his lover, fear pulsing in his head and mind.
Things changed. Toris had tried to work his way past it and to how it was before, but the fear of being tied so strongly to a person – to feel so much for that person that you feel you can't breathe – grew too strong as time went by. In the end, he could not stay.
I'm sorry, was the only thing he had said. "I'm sorry."
The back of his head thumped against the wall as he leaned back.
He had had a kind of hard time after he left Ivan. Yes, he was free of that fear that had come washing over him. It should have been easy to move on, but more than often it had felt like he was pushing himself onward and he had tried not to look back. Toris had convinced himself that it was merely nerves.
He was now realizing that all the signs that he had tried to find excuses for had pointed to one fact: that the freedom he thought he sought was bittersweet, and that he had probably made the biggest mistake of his life.
The brunet made his way down the streets hours later, the time closing in on five in the evening. Toris was shivering, but not entirely because of the cold night air and wind blowing his hair about his face. He didn't care. Right now his goal was getting to Ivan's house, as agreed. His cheeks were cold and red, his breath showing as steam from his mouth. Each step and each breath sent him closer to Ivan. His shoulders felt lighter now than they had in the thirteen months prior, but still there was that weight that would not lift. Toris knew why.
The outside was same as ever, right down to the pipe sticking out of the flowerbed by the door. Ivan had told him the reason why it was actually there, and it was their little secret. But for all he knew, that could have changed.
At the door he reached for the old-fashioned door knocker. It only took a few seconds till Ivan opened the door. Exchanging a simple greeting, he was let into the house. It really was just as he remembered it; down to the ragged carpet in the hall and the grand oak table in the living room. So much time spent in this house, so long ago, though it looked like only a day had passed. The most noticeable difference in that case being a bouquet of wildflowers and sunflowers that was missing from the table.
He had walked away from those flowers, and now they were gone.
"Would you like to sit?" Ivan asked, snapping Toris out of his reminiscent thoughts. He nodded, not trusting himself to speak.
He took a seat in the sofa while the blond man walked into the kitchen, returning after with two cups of tea. Toris gratefully accepted it, taking a sip to calm his stomach. Chamomile…
The air was strained as the pair sat in silence; everything seemed so far away and yet so close. Toris began wondering if this meeting was wise.
"I'm glad you came, Toris. It really have been a long time." The Russian's face looked soft in the room's lighting, but still it was carefully guarded. "However…" Ivan sat down his cup, "I keep wondering why you wanted to meet again."
Toris swallowed nervously. "Actually, I- I am not quite sure myself." A half-truth, he hadn't really known in the beginning. "It's all very sudden, I admit, but…maybe something that needs to be done."
The brunet's heart was pounding and he looked down at his tea, then looking up at the other man. He was looking at him again, with those eyes. And then he simply let go.
"I owe you a proper explanation – if you're interested?" Maybe it was just the light, but something deemed to change in those violet eyes. It seemed to have piqued an interest, and this was confirmed by a nod.
"First I want you to know that I didn't leave because of you, rather, it was me. It was all so wonderful – I can't lie about that – and I…" he trailed off and took a deep breath. He remembered when they drove home from a friend's house, Toris watching Ivan laugh from the passenger seat.
"I was afraid," he laid out in a sigh. His gaze shifted everywhere except to the man in front of him. He laughed bitterly, "I was so afraid of how I felt for you – how much I felt for you! And we were so close." He remembered the times he got so frightened or upset and Ivan would be his steady rock, keeping him stranded. "And I left," he whispered, once again realizing what he had done.
He remembered Ivan's face as he had stood next to the bouquet of flowers, smiling brightly and eyes wondering, waiting. Eyes loving.
"I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry."
There was a soft noise of movements and then a weight sat down on the other end of the sofa. A minute passed.
"I could see something happening, but I didn't know what, and I tried helping by showing my love for you. I was so in love with you…"
The Lithuanian laughed humorlessly, "Keyword, was. Not anymore, and I definitely don't blame you." His eyes felt like burning, it hurt.
"There has been no one since you," Ivan said gently, almost a whisper.
"That actually makes it all worse." His throat was sore but he kept talking; he needed to. "I kept thinking what would happen if I had turned around, changed my mind… I go back to that December, wondering, and so often I had trouble sleeping. I should have realized before."
There was no word from the other and Toris felt the tears gathering in his eyes. "This is probably just wishful thinking, most likely mindless dreaming, but if there is still a chance…" He was about to look at the other man, but he shook his head. "I'd go back in time to change it, but I know I can't, and I understand if you don't care to see me again."
Now the tears were falling and Toris had no qualms for not letting them. He knew that he should leave, but through his blurred vision he couldn't see anything. Suddenly the brunet was pulled to his feet and his body pressed against a more massive one, strong arms keeping him close. Ivan's breath was warm on his neck and it sent shivers down his spine and a blush on his face.
"Late is better than never," Ivan said, his voice muffled in the brown locks and heavy with emotion. "So long, and now I will not let you go again." He pulled away slightly and Toris was surprised by how much his eyes and face now expressed; sadness, joy and utter passion. "I never stopped loving you. You leaving left me heartbroken, but I could not hate you. I just wanted you back. In the park today I was overjoyed to see you, but I needed to know if you still felt something for me, and I was afraid I was wrong."
His hands came up cupping the Lithuanian's face, stroking away the tears. "Are you afraid, lyubimyy?"
Toris looked deep into the now open, vulnerable eyes, and he knew. "No."
Lips crashed together, igniting a fire of warmth and passion that had lain dormant in time. A door had been closed that December night, and now it was open.
Well. I really can't say anything about that.
Need I mention I don't own Hetalia or this pretty little song? Thought so. In any case, I don't. All right? Good. Also, I borrowed the name, but mean no offense to those who claim it.