Alex Vreeke/Seaplane McDonough has an extended conversation with Jedi Master Luke Skywalker about hideouts, choices and destiny.
It was the 15th of January 2018, and Alex Vreeke sat alone in an empty movie theatre, in the avatar of Seaplane McDonough. The auditorium had just finished a screening of 'Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle' for the third time that day. As he had done dozens of times now, Alex was basking in the afterglow of the audience's laughter. As a film character, it was an honour to be part of a movie which millions of people loved.
In the darkness, a hooded and cloaked figure walked down the theatre aisle and stopped beside him. It was Luke Skywalker.
"Is this seat taken, young man?" the old Master asked him, pointing to an empty seat.
Alex shook his head, and welcomed Master Luke to take a seat. "If it's empty, it ain't!" he said.
"Wonderful!" said Luke in relief, and sat down next to Alex.
"What brings you here, mister?" asked Alex curiously.
"My movie just ended in the screen next door. I came here to mull it over," Luke explained.
"Well, mine just ended too. What's your name?" asked Alex.
"Luke Skywalker, Jedi Master," replied the bearded man.
"Luke Skywalker?" gasped Alex in astonishment. "Holy s**t, there's a new Star Wars film out in 2018?"
"Where have you been for the last thirteen years or so?" asked Luke in a deadpan voice.
"Well, actually, I went missing in 1996," Alex said.
"Ah," said Luke in comprehension. "So I see you missed out on the Prequel Trilogy."
"I had heard they were making three more movies," Alex said. "But alas, I got sucked into a magical video game before I could see any of them. Were they awesome?" he asked excitedly.
"Well…" began Luke diplomatically. "That depends greatly upon your own point of view."
"Ouch, that's harsh!" said Alex in dismay. "But hold on," he continued, "if that was the Prequel Trilogy, how the h*ck are you in the movies again, and so much older than we saw you in Return of the Jedi?" Alex scratched his head in puzzlement.
"Well, back in 2012," Luke explained, "Disney bought Lucasfilm and started making the Sequel Trilogy without George Lucas."
Luke's words blew Alex's mind. "What!" he cried. "That's insane! He's the one who had all the good ideas!"
"That's true," Luke admitted. "However, many fans thought that he had a lot of childish ideas too. For instance, Episode I featured a high-pitch-voiced froglike sidekick named Jar Jar Binks who stepped in poo-doo on Tatooine."
"Eww, gross!" cried Alex in disgust.
"Exactly," said Luke. "And so many fans thought that giving the reins of Star Wars to other directors would help Star Wars gain respectability again."
"But, but…" sputtered Alex, "but wouldn't that just result in Star Wars becoming just like any other movie?"
"I hate to admit it," Luke said, "but you're probably right about that. We have one more sequel to go, Episode 9, and it appears that some fans are seriously considering not going to that one."
"What the h*ll!" shouted Alex, leaping up from his seat. "How did you guys manage to screw Episode 8 up so badly?"
"As a matter of fact, kiddo, that's the movie I just came from," Luke told him sternly.
"Oops, sorry," said Alex sheepishly. "I forgot where I was in time."
"It's alright," said Luke with a sigh. "Well, the story was I went missing thirty years after Return of the Jedi."
"What!" cried Alex.
"Yes," Luke confirmed. "After saving my father from the Dark Side, I started training my nephew, Ben Solo as a Jedi.
"He…," Luke paused, "let's just say he failed to learn from his grandfather's example."
"Oh..., that sucks," said Alex, deflated. "But you're Luke Skywalker!" he exclaimed. "Bringing people back from the Dark Side is what you do best!"
"Not this time," said Luke, shaking his head. "Instead of reaching out to Ben to bring him back from the Dark, I tried to kill him in his sleep before he could become another Vader."
"What?!" cried Alex indignantly.
"I'm ashamed to say it, but it's true," Luke admitted. "I couldn't bear the thought of another tyrant like my father being unleashed on the galaxy. Naturally, I failed at doing even that."
"So he escaped from you and became Darth Vader No. 2?" asked Alex incredulously.
Luke nodded sadly.
Alex rose from his seat and began kicking half- empty popcorn boxes around in frustration. He couldn't believe what had happened to his childhood hero.
"Alright!" he shouted at last. "Never mind; after Vader 2 escaped…"
"He called himself Kylo Ren," Luke interjected.
"Alright, after Kylo escaped and presumably brought back the Empire," Alex corrected himself through gritted teeth, "What did you do?"
"I sat on my Irish island and waited to die," said Luke, with a straight face.
Alex cursed. "What the h*ll, man?!" he shouted at Luke, who didn't even flinch.
"A few years later," Luke continued, "a young lady named Rey showed up at my doorstep. She had somehow defeated Kylo in a lightsaber duel the night before and wanted me to teach her."
"Wait, wait, let me guess," said Alex, holding up his hand to stop Luke. "You refused."
"That's right," Luke replied. "I told her that she should forget about the Jedi and let them end."
"I can't tell which Skywalker I'm talking to right now, I really can't," said Alex, annoyed. "If you didn't look like Mark Hamill I'd swear I was talking to Anakin."
"There you go!" Luke declared. "You don't need to watch the Prequels anymore - you've essentially gotten their core message and understood who my father was."
"Yes, but Anakin was wrong!" Alex insisted. "He was always wrong to kill off all the Jedi and make them end!"
"Well eventually, Master Yoda showed up in ghost form and told me to let Rey be, so there's that," Luke remarked.
"So did she persuade you to come out of retirement and take on the Empire again?" asked Alex.
"Kinda. Sort of," Luke replied.
"Kind of? Sort of?!" cried Alex incredulously.
"I projected myself in hologram form to fight Kylo on another planet," Luke explained. "I saved the few remaining Rebels so they could fight another day. After that battle, I died."
Alex sat down and cradled his head mournfully in his hands. To him, Luke's entire tale was no less than a total disaster and a complete mockery of his character.
Luke decided to change the subject. "What about you, young man?" he asked. "Do you have a story to tell?"
Alex stood erect and turned to face the Jedi Master.
"Yes, sir, I do," he said, "and you might want to sit down for this, because I'm about to tell you exactly what Rey should have told you."
Luke remained silent and looked at Alex attentively.
"First allow me to introduce myself," said Alex. "My name is Alex Vreeke, but you may call me 'Seaplane'."
Luke raised his eyebrows. "'Seaplane'?" he asked, making a deduction. "You're a pilot?"
"Exactly. Just like you were, a long time ago."
"In a galaxy far, far away," Luke joked drily.
"Well, I have my own faraway place to tell you about," Alex said brusquely. "In 1996, I was 16 years old and living in Brantford, New Hampshire. One day, my father brought me a magical board game he found on the beach. Since it was magical, it turned into a video game overnight. I started to play it and chose to become a pilot named Jefferson 'Seaplane' McDonough within the game."
Luke could barely keep up with what this strange young man from another galaxy was saying.
"With the touch of a button, I was transported into a magical jungle inside the game called 'Jumanji'. There were wild beasts, insects and armed mercenaries everywhere. Anything could kill you.
"I was tasked to return a magical jewel, the Jaguar's Eye, to its rightful place atop a large statue. To do so, I had to find my way through the jungle safely. I was given two special skills: piloting and making a type of alcoholic beverage called a margarita. As a safety precaution, I was gifted two spare lives to lose before dying for real."
Luke didn't say anything, but only stroked his beard thoughtfully as he listened.
"Sounds easy, right? Well, eventually I came to a large canyon and had to get across. I got into a hot air balloon and it exploded on the ground! That was one spare life gone. Then, a few weeks later, I tried to cross it in a plane and I got shot down. There goes spare life number two. Now I'm mortal again and any further mishaps would mean the end of me."
Luke's eyes widened. There was real danger for the first time in Alex's story.
"So what did I do? I ran and I hid. I found an abandoned treehouse built by Robin Williams and moved in. I stayed there for months, years, drinking margaritas and trying to stay alive. I lived in constant fear of mosquitoes (tiny flying bloodsucking insects) because if any of them bit me, I would die instantly. That's how I lived for twenty years."
Luke gasped. He was starting to see the parallels between the way he and Seaplane had spent the last few decades.
"Then one day, four kids from my town unexpectedly show up in the jungle! Somehow, four teenagers from school had found the game and started playing too. Now there were five of us in the game, and I was so stoked to finally have some real company at last.
"Then came the difficult part," Alex said, pausing. "They needed to get over the canyon. The very same canyon where I had lost two of my three lives. None of them could fly an aircraft, so naturally they turned to me for help. I freaked out. I refused. I tried to weasel my way out of it. 'Please take anything!' I said. 'A motorcycle, a car, a bus - anything that doesn't fly!'"
"They weren't having any of it. 'Alex,' they said, 'This is where we need you. You're the missing piece of our team - the only one who can help us out of this situation.' It was in that moment that I realised it was not about me. Who cares if I live or die - my parents had already learned to live with my absence. But if my new friends were to have any chance of getting home, I needed to get out there and be the pilot I was meant to be. So I did. I flew a helicopter through and over the canyon. And miraculously, we all survived."
"So you see, Master Skywalker," Alex said finally, "I know exactly what it was like to be in your shoes. I know what it means to fail, and to wonder if you should even try again. I know how it feels to want to just stay in your hideout for the rest of your life, while the world goes on without you. But eventually I had to snap out of it and fulfil my destiny. Did you?"
Luke sat in stone-faced silence. He did not know how to respond to such a tongue-lashing. Unlike Alex, he had never had to live with the looming threat of death since Return of the Jedi. And yet, this young man had displayed a level of courage and conviction that he himself had not had since 1983.
Finally, he said, "I'm coming back for Episode 9."
"Good luck," said Alex, as he took off his jacket and slung it over his shoulder. "'Cause I'll be back with the others to challenge you next year. How much has Episode 8 made so far, by the way?"
"Well, close to $600 million domestic in its first month," Luke replied with a wry smirk, confident that his challenger's film couldn't possibly match that.
"Well, as of now my movie's made $291mil domestic on a budget of $90mil," said Alex. "How much did Episode 8 cost to make - let's see, $317 million? And according to some film pundits, we might actually have a new 'Titanic' (whatever that means) on our hands. Hail Sony!"
With a triumphant fist pump, Alex turned and left the theatre, leaving Master Skywalker sitting alone in the darkness.
"D*mn you," he muttered.
THE END.
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