The Facts of Life

By Opopanax

AN: In which Harry tells the facts of life to Headmaster Dumbledore, and in which I poke fun at the unimaginative authors at ffn.

Albus Dumbledore, esteemed Hogwarts Headmaster, Chief Warlock, etc, etc, studied the administrative paperwork on his desk and thought happily about his plans. Young Harry Potter was nicely ensconced at Privet Drive, grieving his dead Godfather and isolated from the Wizarding World once more. He would then be rescued by a benevolent Dumbledore, and Dumbledore himself could go back to being young Mr. Potter's personal savior, never knowing that it was Albus who had arranged for the death of sirius Black, and for nearly every other happening in Mr. Potter's life.

Harry needed to be kept isolated and weak, contact restricted to those of whom Albus had total control. It would not do for Harry to start questioning things or to start drawing conclusions.

SO when a quiet knock sounded on the Headmaster's door, Albus was very surprised. Looking down at the charmed parchment which kept track of all the magical signatures stepping onto the office staircase, Albus saw with some mild surprise that it was the very subjects of his thoughts knocking on the door.

"Come in," Albus called.

The door opened, and young Potter walked in confidently, exhibiting none of the signs Albus thought would be there. He was wearing fine dress robes, his usual messy hair slicked back, scar shining prominently on his forehead, green eyes blazing in his face. He was not depressed or moody at all, by all visual indications.

"Ah Harry, would you care for a Lemon Drop?" Dumbledore asked jovially, offering the bowl.

"No thank you, Headmaster," Harry said, seating himself in front of the Headmaster's desk.

"So, then, my boy. What brings you to my office today?" Dumbledore asked, twinkling serenely at Harry over his half-moon spectacles. "I had assumed that you were at your family's home, perhaps enjoying your summer holiday and bonding with your relatives over your recent loss."

Harry smirked. "I have come today to tell you the facts of life, Headmaster," he answered, leaning back and putting his feet on the desk. "You see, I came to a rather important decision some time ago, and I think now that is time for you to reveal it to you."

Dumbledore felt worried, but he let none of it show on his face. Sending out a tiny Legilimency probe, he felt nothing where Potter's mind should be, nothing at all. "Is that so, Harry? What decision might that be?"

Harry's smirk widened as he felt Dumbledore's Legilimency. "Let me start at the beginning," he said sagely, as if imitating Dumbledore. "Five years ago I arrived at Hogwarts, safe and sound. I was neither as well-nourished, nor as happy as I would've preferred, but I was alive and healthy. I was not a pampered prince, but as normal as a boy as I could be, under the circumstances."

Harry almost laughed at the expression on Dumbledork's face, as he threw his own words back at him. It was priceless. He would have to show his mentor later in a Pensieve.

"And then ... well, you will remember the events of my first year at Hogwarts quite as clearly as I do. I rose magnificently to the challenge that faced me, and sooner-much sooner-than I had anticipated, I found myself face-to-face with Voldemort. I survived again. I did more. I delayed his return to full power and strength." Harry paused. "Or at least, that's what you think, anyway."

"Harry? What do you mean by that?" Dumbledore asked, looking worried.

Harry smiled happily. "When I got down there, to that final room in your little tests-oh yes, I know it was a test for me-I met Voldemort for the first time. He tried to lie about my parents' death, but I saw through that. And then he said something very illuminating. Something that would change my life forever."

There was silence in the office. The silvery instruments Harry had broken a week before were still broken, so the silence wasn't even broken by their odd whirring and ticking.

"He said that there is no good and evil, that there is only power and those too weak to seek it. It was as though somebody had set off a light bulb in my brain, because I knew he was right. All my life, people have had power over me. The Dursleys, you, all the professors here, even my so-called friends. And I knew then and there that I didn't want that kind of life. I wanted to be the powerful one. I wanted to be free."

Dumbledore still didn't say anything, but his face was going whiter by the second.

"So. I gave Voldemort the stone. But he found out it was a fake, right then and there. But because I gave it to him, I wasn't punished. We decided to make me pass out from magical exhaustion, so that when you found me, I would appear to have fought a great battle. Qurrell died when Voldemort left him, of course."

"But, Harry, how could you-"

"Hush, old man, I'm not finished yet," Harry said, holding up a finger in admonishment. "You surely don't want to miss such an interesting tale as this, do you?"

Dumbledore didn't say anything, and Harry continued, still smirking slightly.

"Second year is when it gets interesting. I fought that basilisk and killed it, and killed Riddle's diary too. I wanted to meet him and learn from him properly, but I couldn't cause the death of one of your students without looking suspicious. SO Riddle had to die and I spun that sad tale about going to rescue her. I had bought books over the previous summer and learned about Occlumency, at the shade Voldemort's suggestion, and learned to create the perfect Golden Boy image everyone expected to see, leaving my real thoughts hidden behind that barrier, and so nobody, not you or Snape, saw through my tale for the lie it was."

"I'm gonna skip over third year, cause nothing interesting really happens. I was happy to meet my Godfather of course, but secretly delighted Pettigrew escaped. While pissed off at him for betraying my parents, I knew he was only doing it under Voldemort's orders. Voldemort spirit told me briefly about the prophecy, which was why he came after me as a baby. I of course didn't want you to know that, and in hindsight I'm glad I didn't tell you. You probably would've obliviated me."

"Now we get to the fun part. None of the Death Eaters knew I wanted to switch sides, so the whole Triwizard debacle happened pretty much in canon." Harry smirked at his small joke and continued. At the graveyard, Pettigrew killed Diggory, and we used a slight variation on the ritual I told you about. Voldemort came out of the cauldron, looking a lot like a younger Tom Riddle. But he put the snake glamor on, so the Death Eaters would be intimidated."

"This is all very interesting, Harry, but I must insist that you cease this at once," Dumbledore said.

"You know of the prophecy, you know that if you don't defeat Tom, the whole world will end in darkness," he finished, looking sadly at Harry as though he were a great disappointment.

Harry ignored this and continued his story. "We staged a duel for the Death Eaters' benefit, and we encountered that Priori Incantatem effect, which surprised us both. I escaped with Diggory's body, Fudge didn't believe us, Moody was an impostor, which I'm really surprised you didn't know."

"While you sat there thinking I was isolated from everybody after that, I was at Riddle Manor. Tom took me under his wing, and he didn't even have to bugger me to do it. I didn't fall in love with him either, that would be just sick, don't you think? I mean, the guy's old enough to be my great grandfather."

"Anyway, he taught me a great number of things. I learned of many branches of magic, and we grew close, even without the buggering being involved. He told me about his early life, which was eerily similar to my own, again, I wonder if that was by your own design. Was it, Headmaster?"

"Maybe just a little," Dumbledore said. "I feared I might've made a mistake with young Tom, you see, in ignoring his pleas for help. I fear, now, that I have made the same mistakes with you. You have turned dark," he finished sadly.

"What else do you expect, Headmaster?" Harry asked, letting a bit of anger show for the first time. "You set me up with people who hate me, manipulate my friends to spy on me, keep me from my rightful guardian, all so you can hone your so-called weapon." Harry took a deep breath and schooled his face into an expressionless mask.

"Fifth year was rather hard. We found out my scar was a Horcrux, you see, but we couldn't do anything about it, because the only way we knew of to get rid of a Horcrux was through basilisk venom or aiming an AK at it. That was probably your goal all along, get Tom to kill me in hopes of also killing the Horcrux. Anyway, Tom was rather angry all year long at the incompetence of his Death Eaters and his failure to merge the scar Horcrux back with himself, so my scar was prickling all the time and I was rather short tempered and moody."

"I had to put up an act and pretend to be angry at Umbridge, so I could keep up the image of the hotheaded Gryffindor. I taught the DA, I saved Weasley from Tom's snake, I kept up all the masks. And then last week the whole Department of Mysteries thing."

Harry sighed heavily. "Tom had to keep up the masks too, you know. He sent me a false image of Sirius being tortured. I of course knew he wasn't at the Department of Mysteries via the communications mirrors he gave me, but I had to play along. Tom wanted the prophecy, you see, and he couldn't just stroll in there and get it, because it said Dark Lord, not Tom Riddle on the orb. And unless you're explicitly named in the master book at the Hall of Prophecy, you can't touch it."

"That whole thing was a fuck up from the get-go. I was supposed to go alone, listen to the prophecy, fight a few Death Eaters to show you a false memory later, and get out basically unharmed. But those five idiots insisted on coming along, and I couldn't very well stop them, not and keep up the innocent act."

"I told Tom what happened via our connection, and he wasn't pleased, but he understood the necessity of keeping things hidden just a bit longer."

"Well, you know what happened. Bellatrix was put under the Imperius Curse and forced to send Sirius through the veil."

Harry fixed the Headmaster with a fiery green gaze. "I won't forgive you for that, by the way, Headmaster. Both Bellatrix and I will get our revenge on you for that. Both of us loved Sirius; he was her favorite cousin growing up, you see. Even though Azkaban twisted her mind, she still remembered that."

"I am sorry-"

"Save it, Headmaster, I don't want to hear the phrase "for the greater good" ever again," Harry snapped, slamming his fist on the desk and causing the heavy oak to split. "You are the one solely responsible for my Godfather's death. If it hadn't been for you, he would've just been stunned and safely out of the battle."

"Now what, Harry?" Dumbledore asked, looking very tired all of a sudden. "What do you intend to do?" Dumbledore planned to hit Harry in the back as he was leaving with a stunner and then obliviate him, realigning his personality to what it should be, but he could pretend to play along.

Harry laughed darkly. "Now what? I intend to take revenge on you, Headmaster. I am going back to learn more from Tom, and I am going to take his place at his right hand. He merged with a couple of his HOrcruxes, so he's now sane again, and back to his old self. Eradicated Muggles isn't his goal now,'; deposing you and bringing back the old ways is. I did that much for him."

"I can't allow that, Harry," Dumbledore said regretfully. You need to defeat him so the world can be safe once more."

"You don't get it, Headmaster," Harry said, as if talking to a small child. "You can't kill me, because only tom can do that. And you can't obliviate me either, because 1, my Occlumency is a hell of a lot better than yours, and 2, if an obliviate spell hits me, I have a parsel-made portkey that will rip through any wards."

"So you see, Headmaster, you have lost your weapon. I wonder what you'll do now?"

"I will get you back under my control, Harry," Dumbledore said, losing the grandfather image and trying to overpower Harry with his aura. "You are the one named in the prophecy and your destiny is fixed. I won't allow it to be any other way."

Harry just laughed and stood up. "You can try, Headmaster. But I am immune to love potions now, so you can toss the plan of having the littlest Weasel trying to force me to marry her, and you can stop bribing Granger with the Head Girl badge for spying on me. Because I'm not coming back here, ever."

Harry shuttered theatrically. "Did you know she was going to name one of our kids after you and Snape? Seems she had a fondness for him, after she was willingly giving him sex in the potions lab. Albus Severus Potter, how horrible. And I can't believe you let your pet Death Eater" do that to students anyway."

Harry rose and headed for the door. "Goodbye, Headmaster," Harry said, opening the door and walking out before Albus could digest this new revelation. "See you in the Wizengamot."

Before Albus could move, Harry was gone. And with him, went the hope for ending this war.

AN: If anyone wants to build a story around this, or continue it, feel free. I just had to get that out there, because it seems there is nobody on FFN who can come up with an HP/LV story that doesn't involve slash. Come on, people. Like Harry said, the guy's old enough to be his great grandfather. Show a little imagination. Surely he can learn from Voldemort and take his place at his right hand without getting fucked up the ass.