I read your diary and it said
that you weren't in love with me

And you're leaving
and I wished that I didn't see
that you fell in love with him

November 15th was the day that it happened. I hadn't had my heart broken before, so of course I remembered the time it actually was. When it came to her, there was a lot of pain involved but I never felt as I did that night—when my entire heart was shattered along with all of the hope that I had invested inside of it. I guess I should have seen it coming. Over and over again I had pushed her away and inadvertently right towards him. For some reason, I had expected her to wait around forever. It was stupid but I thought she would never be able to move on. I was wrong.

I had taken a lot of time to myself; to think and piece myself back together after all that had happened. I had visited my family, spend some time with them; practically lived in the gym for a while—basically, I had done everything in my power to avoid her. After her murder accusation had been cleaned up, the real culprit put away, I hadn't seen much of her. This was my fault, of course. I hadn't wanted to see her. I knew she was confused by my actions. I had told her that my feelings had faded—which at one point had been true, until I had sorted through myself to know how I felt about her. But then, I had been driven mad with protectiveness when the guardians came to arrest her. It was a mistake, but some instinctive part of me buried deep within could never let anyone hurt her. It took over when she was in danger and I had no doubt it always would. This left things once again unsettled between us and she was understandably frustrated with me. Yet again I had relied on her to still be there and had left as soon as she was released, to Russia without looking back.

When I had returned over a month later, everything had changed. It was normal. Life was always changing; people making decisions; nature running its course. But this was different. She was different. I had kept in touch with Lissa, not anything major, just speaking with her sporadically. She hadn't said anything about her and I hadn't asked. One of my many mistakes. Well, it turns out Lissa and Christian were staying with Tasha along with her. I decided to go as well. I had to see her. Being apart for so long—not seeing her face, hearing her voice—was slowly killing me inside. Maybe if I had any idea what would be waiting for me, I wouldn't have come. But I did. As soon as I stepped through the door, I saw it. I saw her, in the backyard with Ivashkov wrapped around her.

It wasn't a big deal. Well, at first at least. I knew they had been dating. It was a top Court scandal for quite some time. Of course seeing them together hurt and watching them kiss had been pure torture, but still, my heart assumed it was nothing. While dating him before, she had still chased me. She had still wanted me. Why should I have thought it would be any different? Oh, I had no idea. I greeted everyone and when it came to her, I smiled and she hugged me. She didn't look ecstatic about my presence—which I'll admit stung a bit—but I didn't expect anything less. I had left without as much as a proper goodbye. Her anger was deserved and I could handle it. I could handle anything except for what was coming.

November 15th. It was two days after I had returned. I caught up with Tasha and Lissa, even had fun in the backyard pool, and my hope still burned inside of me. Right before dinner that night, I had went up to her room. I had decided it was right time to at least explain my sudden departure. She deserved more than that and I was going to answer every question that she had, even if it hurt.

Heart pounding hard against my skin, I knocked on the door, trying to prepare myself in every way. I hadn't really spoken to her in about two and half months total—hadn't looked it her eyes. Right then, I would have given anything to have her roll her eyes at me again, to hear "comrade" roll over her beautiful lips in the banter we used to have, back at the Academy. The days were so simpler then, I longed for them. They still had their complications, but at that time, there wasn't a drop of doubt in my mind that she had loved me. I was so caught up in our memories that I almost missed her opening the door.

Immediately, I was wafted with her sweet, flowery scent. Her hair was still damp from the pool, tangled and tousled around her gorgeous face, sticking to her smooth, clear skin. My fingers twitched, itching to touch that skin and tuck those hairs behind her ear. But I had sold those rights long ago, unknowingly to Adrian Ivashkov. "Hey," I had mumbled, trying to keep my cheeks from heating up. She had no idea what being this close to her was doing to me. "Do you think we could talk?"

I remembered the guarded look in her eyes—how much I hated that she had looked at me that way, as if she had to protect herself from me. I knew then that the days of teasing me about my 'life lessons' and getting those adoring smiles were long gone. She would never look at me like I was her superhero again. Never. "Sure," she answered, pausing. "I'll be right back. I have to give Lissa something." She held up a plastic bag with colorful items in it. "Go on inside."

I had nodded, still trembling internally, and watched her walk off down the hall. Then I had stepped inside the guest bedroom that she was staying in. She had renovated it. Not completely, but traces of her were left everywhere. Clothes on the floor. Makeup scattered on the counter. Pictures in frames. Leftover cups. Even a squishy pillow I had seen in her dorm was perched on the bed. I was never one to snoop. What wasn't my business wasn't my business. Period. But I was so curious about her. I had felt like it had been a lifetime since we really talked. Those spars in the gym and laps around the campus never felt so far away. So when I saw an open notebook lying on the edge of the bed, I had peeked. I just walked over and glanced down at the page, covered in her slightly sloppy, adorable handwriting. What I saw changed me. Forever.

I only picked out a few words at first. My name. Adrian's name. Love. Break his heart. Confused. By then, I had aroused my curiosity and forgotten my morals, picking up the notebook and letting myself read.

Dear Diary,

I feel like I'm being yanked around constantly—like I'm being pushed and pulled out of love. I'm so confused. Dimitri said that his love for me had faded. At first I didn't believe it could happen. If you truly loved someone, how could it go away so easily? Now I'm starting to understand. The more time he's away, the more I able to forget everything that we had. Every day he's gone, my heart is healing. Adrian is like my medicine. When I spend time with him, he makes me feel loved. When I'm with him, he makes me forget all the pain Dimitri had put me through. But what if it doesn't last? What if he comes back and I fall in love with him again? I can't let that happen. I can't let him control me like that again. What I am supposed to do?

It was wrong, but I couldn't stop. Hearing her pain was like bullets piercing my heart and some masochistic part of me believed I deserved this for what I did to her as a Strigoi. So I kept reading.

Dear Diary,

I think…I'm falling in love with Adrian. I mean, I know I always cared about him. He's always been such a great friend to me. But something's different now. I haven't laughed so hard as I did when I was with him tonight. When we kissed, I couldn't hear because my heart was so loud and I swear, I couldn't even breathe. I haven't felt this way about anyone in so long. But there's something about it that's right. I haven't stopped thinking about him since I got home. He makes me so happy. I'm scared to let myself feel this way so fast, but I know he loves me. It would be so easy to be with him. Why am I so afraid?

I had felt a piece of my heart break off and diminish into nothing, but my hope hadn't been destroyed just yet. Then, in my mind, she was still confused about her feelings. She hadn't let go yet. Hadn't let go of me. It was enough. I should have stopped there. But I didn't.

Dear Diary,

Oh my gosh! My hands are still shaking. That had to be the most amazing night of my life. Adrian took me to the beach tonight...and I finally made love with him. Oh God, my head is still spinning. I love him so much. He is so amazing I—

I dropped the book. It landed with a soft thump to the ground, but my heart shattering to a million pieces was loud enough. No. It couldn't be. I could still remember every detail of our time together. I could remember the way she looked at me. I could hear her saying she loved me. I could see her standing in front of the prison cell, yelling that I loved her too, that she wouldn't give up. I could feel the night she had given herself to me, where nothing had been so perfect and beautiful, and I had never felt so much as I did for her that night. I loved her! I fought for her!

I love him so much.

The words hissed into my ears, making my stomach churn, and my veins boil with hatred and pain. Why had I expected her to wait for me? Why had I left her behind? Why had I denied her when she had offered herself to me so many times? Why?

"Dimitri?" There she had been, standing in the doorway. Her eyes took in my expression, then the book lying on the floor. I remember her eyes widening, face coloring with anger for a moment before shock and disbelief took over and other emotions I didn't bother to read. She knew exactly what I read. My head was filling with a red haze. Flashes of our memories popped through my mind—her voice being the only thing I could hear. And I won't let anything happen to you. I love you.

That night, I looked up at her and I was sure there were damn tears in my eyes. I didn't bawl my eyes out. I didn't get on my knees and sob. But I knew that my heartbreak was written all over my face for her to see. Without a word, I had stepped over that book and sneaked around her, ignoring my name being called. I needed to get away. It didn't matter where or how. I needed to be away from her. Adrian was sitting in the dining room and it took every inch of my willpower to not knock all of his teeth it. He hadn't done anything and that was the problem. He had been there when I hadn't, waiting in the wings for his chance. And I let him have it.

It was 1am when I came back, spending hours assaulting a punching bag, running around the track, and using all of my energy to clear my head. I had exhausted myself but my sore heart still burned in my chest and the need to cry like a lovesick little boy had yet to fade. But I knew what I was going to do. She was happy here, I knew it, I had read it. He made her happy and made her feel loved and although it really broke my heart, that was all I wanted for her. Some part of me believed if I stayed and tried, I might have gotten her to love me again. But I had wasted all my chances. I was never going to hurt her again, I made sure of it. Maybe one day far from now I would see her and get my chance, but not right now. After quietly packing up my things, I grabbed a paper and pen, not knowing what the hell I was going to say yet never had been so sure about something.

Finally, I had poured my broken heart out onto that paper and left it beside her door for her to find. Feeling content and ready, I gathered my things and left, knowing it was about time I returned to my duty.

The next morning, I opened my bedroom door, more than ready to march over and demand to know what the hell happened yesterday. But before I was given the chance, my foot stepped onto something cold. I looked down to find a piece of paper waiting for me in all too familiar writing.

Sometimes sorry is the hardest word, but it's the right one for right now. I'm sorry I couldn't be the man you'd been waiting for. I'm sorry I abandoned you and the dream we had for the future. I'm sorry that it had taken me this long to realize what perfection I had in front of me when it was too late. But most of all, I'm sorry for the mess I made. There are a million other words I could say, but nothing seem more right than these: I will always love you. Don't forget, Roza.

Love, D

*hesitantly waves* Whew! As soon as this idea came to my head, I started writing and haven't stopped since. Okay, I know all of you are probably wondering what in the world happened to me. I have been on FF, reading and reviewing, but as you can see my writing has taken a break. I'm sorry about that. But I want all of you to know that I'm probably not going to continue my version of Spirit Bound. Since the real book is released, I didn't see the need to finish it. If you all want me to, let me know, but I will not be continuing in on my own accord. Anyway, thank you so much for all the support and reviews I got for it, though! I know every author says this but it's true. You guys are my inspiration. If it wasn't for you, my work would still be sitting in Microsoft Word. Lol, so thank you.

Thank you for reading this and I really hope you enjoyed it. Lyrics belong to Tino Coury. You should check it out if you haven't already heard it. Diary is a great song. Please review and tell me what you think, even if it's just to tell me you hate it! Haha. Thanks.