Martin: How about. Um. Try Steven Spielberg?
Douglas: Oh, Okay. *Ding-dong* Hello, my name is First Officer Douglas Richardson. On behalf of the captain and myself, a warm welcome aboard this MJN flight to Glasgow. Just to let you know we will be flying out from "Munich" today, at the height of twenty thousand feet, the best in the "Evolution" of the aeroplane, way beyond our "Dreams". The steward will now demonstrate the standard operating procedures in the "Inner Space" of this aircraft. "Something Evil" when you consider that "The Flags of our Forefathers" warned against it since "1941", especially "Lincoln". However, as "Always" from "The Terminal" to Glasgow, your safety is our priority today- and may the air turn "The Colour Purple" if I'm lying. Please relax and enjoy the flight through "The Empire of the Sun".
Martin: Twelve. Nice.
Douglas: I like to think so, yes.
Arthur: Coffee for you chaps. And, is this a cargo flight?
Douglas: What, with no passengers and the hold empty? Yes.
Martin: Why do you ask Arthur?
Arthur: It's just… we've got a passenger.
Carolyn: What on earth are you talking about?
Arthur: Well there's a girl sitting in one of the seats.
Carolyn: Don't be ridiculous.
Martin: Arthur it's impossible for anyone to have got on the plane without me noticing!
Douglas: Because you didn't conduct a walk around today did you, Martin.
Carolyn: What?
Martin: Carolyn you gave us ten minutes to have a flight plan filed and be ready to fly. It was more of a run around than a walk.
Arthur: So what are we going to do?
Douglas: Go and say hello, I imagine.
Carolyn: Hello. My name is Carolyn Knapp-Shappey and I was hoping you could tell me what you're doing on my jet now.
Abi: Um… hello.
Carolyn: Yes, hello. Now what are you doing here?
Abi: French the llama.
Carolyn: What?
Abi: Sorry.
Arthur: Hello, my name is Arthur and it is my privilege to be serving yourselves as part of your on-board crew on-board today on-board.
Carolyn: Arthur, Code Red.
Arthur: Right-o.
Abi: Why did you send him away?
Carolyn: He was being helpful.
Abi: Sounds like Arthur.
Carolyn: Who are you?
Abi: Abi.
Carolyn: And what, pray tell, are you doing here?
Abi: Flying to Glasgow, apparently.
Douglas: While we're waiting…
Martin: No.
Douglas: Come on Martin! Live a little!
Martin: Fine- but no betting.
Douglas: Continuation of Rhyming Destinations?
Martin: Come on Douglas.
Douglas: Paris to Harris.
Martin: Douglas…
Douglas: Romania to Albania…
The door opens (they do not notice)
Abi: Baton Rouge to Douz.
The both start.
Abi: Madagascar to Alaska, Virginia to Abyssinia, Milan to Japan…
Douglas: Hello there.
Martin: Excuse me-
Abi: Hello Captain.
Martin: Actually I'm- Oh.
Abi: Iraq to Qikiqtarjuaq.
Douglas: Ah, and intelligent individual at last! And who might you be?
Abi: Abi.
Intercom buzzes on
Carolyn: Martin! Have you got that extra passenger in the flight deck?
Martin: Yes. Yes I do.
Carolyn: Martin it's illegal. Send her out right now.
Douglas: This could be fun!
Arthur: Chaps- and, um, and you he points at Abi Mum says she's an unregistered passenger.
Douglas: Is she? Sounds fun.
Martin: Douglas. We can't have an unregistered passenger on board.
Douglas: Why not?
Martin: It's against CAA regulations!
Douglas: Well I don't see what harm it'll do.
Arthur: Is she our mystery passenger?
Martin: No, Arthur. Douglas I'm the Captain. And I say we can't have her on board!
Abi: And what does sir propose you do with me? Attach me to a parachute and chuck me out?
Arthur: Oh yeah! That would be BRILLIANT.
Douglas: No Arthur, because that would be illegal.
Arthur: Aw.
Martin: In that case… Um. We should, we have to. Douglas, we have to divert.
Douglas: Martin, remember what Carolyn says about diversions.
Martin: I'm sorry Douglas! We've got an unlicensed passenger. "Hello Basel ATC, this is Golf Tango India, request immediate diversion to Basel."
Bristol ATC: Roger Golf Tango India, what is the nature of your emergency?
Douglas: Martin.
Carolyn walks in
Carolyn: What's going on?
Martin: We're diverting to Basel.
Carolyn: Oh no we are not.
Martin: Yes we are, Carolyn! I'm the Captain-
Carolyn: And I am the C. E. O of this company and I say we are not diverting.
Bristol ATC: Golf Tango India, I repeat, what is the nature of your emergency?
Carolyn: Martin.
Martin: Fine. "Basel this is Golf Tango India, we'd like to cancel our diversion and continue on to Glasgow".
Douglas: Alright. People with two first names. Anne-
Abi: Peter Duncan.
Douglas: Good one. Anne Taylor.
Abi: Likewise. Francesa Simon.
Douglas: Robert Leonard.
Martin: Alright. Umm.
Abi: Bob Tyler.
Arthur: What about the one from Airplanes? Peter…
Douglas: Debbie Harry
Martin: Give me a chance!
Carolyn: What's going on in here?
Douglas: Ah Carolyn. Abi here is proving surprisingly adept at word games, isn't she Martin?
Carolyn: Well never mind that! We've got an hour until we land.
And we still don't know how we're explained our extra passenger. Arthur!
Arthur: I know! We could say there was a flying circus, and-
Carolyn: No Arthur. Get us some coffee.
Arthur: Right. Coffee Chaps?
Douglas: Right Martin. We've got an hour left of this flight and I. Am. Bored. Lets have a little bet.
Martin: No Douglas.
Douglas: Why not?
Abi: Why not Martin?
Martin: Because I always- because it's beneath my dignity. Why don't you find someone else to bet against for once?
Douglas: Like who?
Abi: Chem chem…
Douglas: Really? Are you sure?
Abi: Of course.
Douglas: Winner gets the cheese tray?
Martin: What? All of it?
Douglas: Yes.
Abi: You're on. What's the bet?
Arthur: Coffee for you Douglas, and Coffee for you Martin.
Douglas: Aha. Arthur.
Arthur: What?
Douglas: How do you feel about a game of charades?
Abi: Charades? How's that a bet?
Martin: You'd be surprised.
Douglas: Are we on?
Abi: Okay.
Douglas: Arthur- care to do the honour?
Arthur: Oh yes please!
Abi: It's a film.
Douglas: Two words…
Abi: Second word. Three syllables?
Arthur: Yeah.
Silence
Douglas: Sky? Heaven? Skygod? Me? No?
Abi: Oh I know! The Godfather!
Arthur: How did you know?
Douglas: Golly.
Martin: Did she just-? Did she just beat you in a bet? Did you just beat Douglas Richardson? In a bet?
Douglas: It appears she has.
Arthur: Wow. What was the bet?
Douglas: Whoever guessed your charade gets the cheese tray. The whole cheese tray.
Abi: Where is it anyway?
Arthur: I'll get it!
Accepting the Cheese Tray
Abi: Unfortunately, I don't like cheese.
Douglas: In that case, I'd be delighted to take it off your hands-
Abi: Martin!
Martin: Yes?
Abi: How would you like the cheese tray?
Martin: What? All of it?
Abi: Yes.
Carolyn: That went surprisingly well.
Arthur: What did?
Douglas: Your mother is referring to our extra passenger.
Arthur: Where's Martin?
Douglas: Gone to see her off, I imagine.
Carolyn: Martin!
Martin: Yes Carolyn?
Carolyn: Is she gone?
Martin: Yes.
Douglas: And did you ask her out?
Martin: Yes.
Douglas: Martin, You've got a basketball team.
End Credits
That was Cabin Pressure, by John Finnemore. It starred Stephanie Cole as Carolyn, Roger Allam as Douglas, Benedict Cumberbatch as Martin and John Finnemore as Arthur. It also featured Louise Brealey as Abi and Tom Hiddleston as Basel ATC. The Producer was David Tyler and the program was a positive production for the BBC!