Hey all! It's been a while since I've written anything for Pride and Prejudice, but thinking back on an old story I attempted to write which included various Jane Austen characters taking part in The Real World, and not to mention all the craziness of reality TV in general, I was inspired to write a story where the Bennet family was featured in a reality show which deliberately pointed out all the clichés of reality TV, since what classic literary family was as dysfunctional and crazy as the Bennets? Various reality shows, both past and present, will be referenced here, and some other Austen characters will make guest appearances.
Disclaimer: I don't own Pride and Prejudice
Prologue: The Real Bennet Family Trailer
From The Educational Channel (TEC):
A neat row of closely identical houses is seen, with Frank Sinatra's "Love and Marriage" playing in the background and a couple of people looking in the direction of the camera, giving off waves along with friendly smiles.
Narrator: Netherfield, California, home to more than two thousand residents. It's known for being a wholesome community that promotes family values, economic prosperity, and equality for all its people, and everywhere you look, you can see dozens of happy men, women, boys, girls, and animals who are exemplary of the community's vision.
Cuts to a shot of Helen Bennet going over her wardrobe, throwing aside a number of dresses on the floor in frustration.
Helen Bennet: Jim, where the hell is the red ball gown I wore during our honeymoon? I can't go to the Pemberley ball in any of the rags I've got in here!
Jim Bennet, calling out from the hallway: I think I donated it to Goodwill ten years ago, honey. I thought that someone much poorer than we're about to become could use some of the old luxuries which you throw aside until you find some sort of use for it a decade too late.
Helen, with an angry sigh: Oh, damn it, Jim! Now I'll never be able to help any of my poor girls win over all those rich bachelors!
Jim: Better for me; I never like having men walk all over my daughters.
Narrator: And then you've got the Bennets. They've been living together in Netherfield for the past twenty-three years, sometimes passing off as another happy, well-rounded family, but mostly getting on each other's nerves whenever they get the chance to speak. The first, and probably the most annoying, member of the family you'll meet is Helen Bennet. The way she sees the world, there are handsome and wealthy young men waiting around every corner to propose to one of her older daughters, and she sees it as her mission to make sure each of her daughters is able to marry one of them.
Helen: In this day and age, too many women believe they're capable of doing it all without a man. Although it may sound crazy to some, I've always found that to be nonsense. If that were true, half of all women nowadays would be single, and by single, I mean both being unmarried and without a boyfriend, instead of just a handful of them, as we're actually seeing. As result, there's just no question about it: all women should have a husband or boyfriend to remain fulfilled. As I always tell my girls, work if you want to, and have as much or as few kids as you'd like, but without a man, you'll never be happy.
Narrator: Then there's Jim Bennet, and in comparison to his wife, seems rather indifferent in manners regarding his daughters' romantic lives. As a matter of fact, he seems to find his wife more than a little crazy.
Jim: I just don't think the girls need this sort of thing at this point in their lives. Ever since leaving work two years ago, Hel has found herself without many ways of amusing herself, and so she's turned to the romantic lives of our daughters to pass time. I'm always telling her how unnecessary it is due to the fact that all the girls, or at least Jane, Lizzie, and Mary, have enough to keep them occupied for the next couple of years, meaning they'll have little time for a boyfriend even if they actually wanted one. But that's Helen, a silly woman who's always been convinced that the whole world shares her way of seeing things, despite all the evidence to the contrary.
Narrator: And now, for the five lovely Bennet girls. The eldest is twenty-two-year-old Jane, who's just finished college and is looking to start a career in the fashion industry. She's probably the nicest of all the Bennets, but unfortunately, she may see a little too much good in some people.
Cuts to a scene of Jane Bennet, who's walking down the streets of downtown Netherfield with two women, Caroline and Louise Bingley, wearing nearly identical black dresses, whom both have very snarky looks on their faces as they look around the crowds of people walking by them.
Jane: So Caroline, what do you think of Netherfield so far? I think I must have shown you and Lucy all the best sights around town already, so I hope that I've helped you two…
Caroline Bingley, with a fake smile on her face: Oh, Jane, I believe it's all absolutely lovely. If anything, suburban California makes Boston seem so dreary and boring in comparison.
However, upon turning to Louise, she rolls her eyes, gesturing towards the people on the streets in a manner which clearly shows her disgust for all the more common people around them. Louise, in return, giggles and makes a face, all as Jane turns away to say hello to an old family friend.
Narrator: Next is Elizabeth, who's known to her family, friends, and over 10 thousand Youtube viewers as Lizzie. She's the sensible one, being a Communications major who's trying to figure out what it is she'll do after graduating next year. So far, all looks well for her, since her Youtube channel, Lizzie Tells It All, has already managed to give her more than a little recognition around the country. As a result, she believes she's prepared to tackle reality television more so than anyone else in the family.
Lizzie, speaking from an online video: Hi, everyone! As I told you all a couple months ago, my family sent in a tape to some executives at TEC to be considered for yet another "familmentary", or family documentary. Since three of the families who were originally considered turned out to be former cult members with police records that stretched a mile high, and two others were so dumb that they fed their contracts over to their dogs, the executives had no choice but to cast my family at the last minute. I don't think I've been more excited in my life! And yes, before you all panic and send me comments asking me when I'll come back and crying over how much you'll miss me, please know that Malcolm Tucker, the executive producer of our show, gave me permission to use part of what's filmed for Lizzie Tells It All. So, no worries; you'll all get to see me on both on your TV screens and your computer screens very soon. Wish me luck, and that's all today for this special message!
Narrator: After Lizzie comes nineteen-year-old Mary. Unlike her two older sisters, Mary isn't very interested in socializing unless it has something to do with her dozens of novels, her equal number of fandoms, which include Harry Potter, Game of Thrones, and Supernatural, or her questionable musical greatest desire appears to be to disappear from the real world and enter one of her beloved fantasy worlds. Unfortunately for her, she's going to have to deal a lot more with "The Real World" than she was previously accustomed to.
Lydia Bennet: Hey Mary, what house were you assigned to?
Mary: Well, the last time I took the Hogwarts quiz online, I got Hufflepuff…
Lydia: Not your Hogwarts house, stupid! I meant your house for the bachelor competition!
Mary: First off, don't call me stupid when you managed to only get a 16 on your practice ACT score. Second of all, that bachelor competition is completely ridiculous. You do know that half of the relationships that start off with those reality competitions end after six months, don't you?
Lydia: I don't care how long they last, so long as I'm able to get a good hookup with a guy that has good looks and money, just as Mom's always telling us to do.
Mary: Well, feel free to go on that trainwreck of a dating game if you want to; I'm going to spend a couple blissful hours journeying across the Seven Kingdoms once again.
Narrator: And last of all comes Kitty and Lydia, and no, I'm not mentioning them at the same time because they're twins. They're seventeen and fifteen, as a matter of fact. I'm mentioning them together because you can't have one without the other. Kitty, despite her amusing old fashioned nickname, probably has the least developed personality out of all the Bennets, and so she makes up for it by following her more outrageous sister Lydia around. As for Lydia, let's just say that her actions speak for themselves.
Lydia, flipping through an issue of Tiger Bear: Kitty, by the time this show is over, I'm certainly going to appear on the cover of one of these magazines.
Kitty: But Lydia, you've never starred in a Disney Channel show or had a hit song before.
Lydia: Who cares? If you speak your mind and let the world know how big of a diva you are when getting the chance to appear in your own show, you're pretty much guaranteed to be a famous, and not just for fifteen minutes anymore. I mean, there's already enough great things about me which are in my favor. I'm the tallest despite being the youngest, I've starred in four high school productions so far, and I managed to get my first kiss when I was ten with none other than Cory Carlson, the hottest guy in the neighborhood, who's now a star basketball player in UCLA. I think that's more than enough to bring about all the good stuff which Mom's always talking about, don't you think?
Narrator: So as you can already tell, the Bennets are far from being an average family.
Cuts to a shot of Lizzie, Jane, and a toddler, their cousin Amy Gardner, who's wearing a lacy pink dress, chasing around a pig wearing red lipstick, who's running around a barn yard and scaring away a dozen birds.
Lizzie: Go faster, Jane!
Jane: How can I when the pig's a faster runner than the three of us combined?
Narrator: But they're also as real as your family or my own.
Jim: So who's going to help Mom with the cooking today?
Mary: I believe today was supposed to be Kitty's day to help out.
Kitty (coughing): Oh, no! It looks like my allergies are returning! Guess that means no cooking for me tonight.
Jim: Nonsense, Kitty. If your allergies were actually kicking in, you'd have been coughing for two hours straight right now. Looks like you can't get out of your chores today, my dear.
Narrator: If anything, they're just another real American family.
The Real Bennet Family: Coming to TEC soon.