Author's notes

Hey guys! This is just a short story, ten chapters over ten days. I was going to write this last year but personal circumstances made it too hard for me. But I'm ready to write this now and I hope you enjoy it.

Kathryn xxx

Chapter 1

February 3rd, 1984

It had been eight months, and life hadn't changed for Ennis Del Mar. He was still living in a dirty, half-desolate trailer park, where he hardly saw anyone and nobody bothered him. Even the mailman didn't knock; just put the mail in the box outside. That was when he got any mail, usually just the Hamley's Saddle Catalogue.

He didn't see much of his daughters anymore; Junior was getting married in four months and Jenny had her own life going on. He was proud of them, but part of him wished he saw them more often.

But that was nothing compared to the regret he felt when he thought of Jack. The way he'd reacted when Jack had tried to comfort him after their fight, the way he'd kept his distance for four years...but most of all how he'd kept saying no to living together. He wished he could have been braver; maybe then things might be different.

The dreams were the worst. When he didn't dream about what used to be, he dreamt of what might have been. A ranch with Jack, a home...some kind of family. They could have spent every single day together, and it wasn't so impossible. The world was changing, or so he heard, and maybe if they had lived quiet then things might have been alright.

But it was too late now. Jack was gone and Ennis was well aware of what the Church taught; there was no telling where Jack might be now or if Ennis would ever see him again. He hoped that he would, but there were no guarantees.

He didn't see much of his girls and Alma didn't want anything to do with him, so he was alone. Cassie had given up on him because he was just unable and unwilling to give his heart to someone else; it was just too broken.

The problem was, everything seemed to remind him of Jack. He would see a flyer for a rodeo and think of Jack bull riding. He would see a blue heeler dog and think of the ones they had on Brokeback. Every time he saw a black hat, he thought of the one that Jack used to wear. He thought of Jack all the time and the pain never lessened.

Speaking of pain, there was something else. In the last few months, he'd developed a cough that he couldn't seem to shake. He'd smoked heavily for most of his life, so he figured that was the cause. But he didn't have the money to see a doctor so he left it. If he was completely honest with himself, there was another reason why he didn't want to do anything about it. If there was the chance that he could see Jack again, he wanted it to be sooner. He felt terrible for doing this to his girls, but they would be okay now; they were growing up and would be looked after. He wanted to see Jack again.

At the moment, he was making himself breakfast in the kitchen. He didn't have much by way of food, just what he picked up in town at the weekend. Junior had been badgering him to buy some proper food, but he just couldn't see the point in wasting money. He bought what he needed and that was that.

He coughed into a handkerchief and saw some phlegm, grimacing. He knew he should see a doctor but he just didn't want to.

Should take care of yourself, cowboy, said a familiar voice in his head. He shook it off, thinking it was a memory. But then he realised that Jack had never said that to him in all the time he'd known him. Maybe his conscience had taken on Jack's voice; that did seem to fit.

Wish I could see you again, bud, he thought to himself, tears springing to his eyes. He wiped them irritably and tried to focus on what he was doing. Even just something like cooking reminded him of Jack, and how terrible he'd been at doing this. Ennis fondly recalled how he had burned the beans once, which they had both laughed over. He missed Jack's laugh and smile, and sparking blue eyes.

He gripped the sink, trying to control the flow of emotion inside him. He missed Jack so much and needed to see him again. It was just too much to bear on his own.

When he had calmed down, he left his meagre breakfast to cook and went to his closet. Opening the door, his eyes fell on the small shrine on the door. The two entwined shirts, with his on the outside, and the postcard of their mountain. That place had brought them together and even though it had caused him great pain, it had also brought him the greatest love he'd ever known. He had loved Jack with all his heart, and he had never said so. Jack deserved to hear it and Ennis had been too much of a coward to say it.

I'm sorry, Jack...

He closed the door and went to eat his breakfast, looking around the tiny trailer. Maybe it was wishful thinking, but he thought he could sense a presence there. Maybe Jack was around, to keep him company? If that was the case, then why hadn't he presented himself? Ennis wanted to see him and talk to him; to ask for forgiveness and to let Jack know that he had always loved him.

After breakfast, he put the dishes away and gathered everything he would need for work. His boss and co-workers had noticed his cough and general state, but hadn't said anything to him. Either they thought he didn't want to talk, or they simply recognised a broken heart that had almost given up.

He looked around the trailer again, wishing that something would happen for once. Even just a whisper in his ear would let him know that he wasn't alone.