so i know i've been gone, and all i have to show for it is another oneshot, but finals are next week and a friend of mine is staying with my family this week and weddings galore, and... you really don't want to hear excuses do you? anyways, i was listening to the joshua radin ep "Unclear Sky", which is excellent, by the way, and became totally inspired. each section is based off of a song from the ep, and i included the inspiring lyric as well, so enjoy.
last time i checked, grey's wasn't mine... maybe next time.
Lovely Tonight
"You are lovely tonight."
It seemed to start with:
Because he was rude to you.
I'd notice. If you went missing. I'd notice.
Do I have another Denny Duquette situation on my hands?
It seemed to end with:
It happened, but it doesn't have to happen again.
Look, you're not my girlfriend.
You don't want me. You want Ava.
There never was any middle. Middle ground just wasn't their style. It was all beginnings and endings for the two of them. But after every ending, there was another beginning that always ended with an ending.
Those beginnings after endings lulled Alex into a false sense of security. So the feelings scared him, and he had to end the beginnings. Addison would be there the next day, hurt and distrustful, but ultimately the exact same romantic that she had been the day before. And that's comforting. He doesn't expect her to wait around for him, that's not what he wants. But for the first time in his life he's considering growing up. And that's even scarier than the feelings.
That false sense of security is crushed the day that Addison leaves. For good. Never to grace the halls of Seattle Grace with her beauty and skill again. Suddenly, his world comes crashing down around him. Ava's there to cushion the blow, but he can't even get near the rebound stage, not really.
And just as he starts to consider starting to move on, she comes back. And he knows that there's no use. He can't help but smile when he sees her. She's the exact same, a little tanner, a little Zen-er, but his same Addison. That is his exact thought too, his Addison, even though he knows that she'll never belong to any man. Consent to allow him to feel a little in possession maybe, but she will never be owned.
He smiles at the way her eyes crinkle at the edges when she smiles, just like he remembers. He had a lot of time to study those eyes in surgery; he knows them as well as anyone else's. He smiles at the way her eyes tell him that although she may not be 100 percent over him, she's left him way in the dust on the road to recovery. He smiles at the way she hugs him, letting him know that physical contact isn't absolutely forbidden. "You look…" He struggles to find the right word. Lovely is what pops into his brain, but he finishes with, "Good."
"Thanks," she smiles. "You don't look too bad yourself."
The Fear You Won't Fall
"It hasn't felt like this before, it hasn't felt like home, before you. And I know it's easy to say, but it's harder to feel this way. And I miss you more than I should, than I thought I could, can't get my mind off of you."
They agree to meet at Joe's to talk. Addison can't help but think that it might be a bad idea, but one look at his eyes convinces her otherwise. Those eyes. Even though she's over them, they still have the ability to make her feel like the only woman on the earth and draw her in, closer and closer, until she just wants to stare at them, and decode all of the paradoxes in them. Joy and sadness. Pain and peace. The man is a walking contradiction.
She smiles when she sees him already sitting at the bar, waiting for her. "Sorry I'm late," she apologizes. "I don't think I really have an excuse," she laughs, "I just lost track of time."
"It's okay."
They sit in silence for a moment. "How's LA?" he finally asks.
"It's good. Calm. I'm lucky if I get a patient a day."
"I don't think I could do that," he says.
"Yeah, I'm not really sure how I do it either. It's a little stressful, trying to find relaxing things to do all the time," she agrees. He laughs and she tries to remember if she's ever heard the sound before. She decides she likes it.
"You should come back," he suggests.
She almost laughs, until she notices that he's serious. "Oh. I, um, I… I just… I don't know. I'm a little done with Seattle, you know?" She tries to answer as inoffensively as possible.
"Right," he agrees.
"How's Rebecca? Or Ava?" she asks, to change the subject.
"I don't really know," he answers honestly. "I haven't seen her for a couple months."
This news surprises Addison. "Why not?"
"She got sick of me being hung up on someone else."
Addison's mouth goes dry. "I- um…" she stutters.
"Addison," he says, and reaches out to barely, barely touch her face. "Look, the way I feel about you… it scares the crap out of me. And it's even worse, thinking that you might not feel like me, but… when you were gone… it just… I hated every minute of it. I missed you, way more than I should have. And I know that it's easy to say that, but it's a sucky feeling. And I just… I fell for you."
You've Got Growin Up To Do
"The best thing I can give to you, is for me to go, leave you alone, cuz you got growin up to do."
"Alex, I-" she tries to say, trying to fight the urge to cry. "It's not that I don't… feel like that about you. I do. I really do. But… I… I'm looking for serious. I'm not exactly young anymore. I'm not looking for flings, or sex, or anything like that. I'm looking for keeps. And you… even though you're the sweetest man I've ever met, and I think about you and get this weird feeling in my stomach… you're not ready for that commitment yet. I get that. And I refuse to push you into anything you're not ready for. You have to grow up a little before you're ready. I respect that. So I think that the best thing for both of us is if I left."
"Addison," he tries to protest, to convince her that she's wrong, even though he knows in his gut that she's right, but she holds up a hand to silence him.
"I'm going to leave, and for awhile, you're going to date, and work on growing up, and I'll date and work on fixing myself, and then, if in a year or so, you still feel the same way, you're going to call me or email me or contact me somehow, and we'll go from there. Okay?" He agrees, although reluctantly. She smiles and kisses him softly. "Goodbye, Alex," she whispers against his lips before picking up her bag and walking away.
"I'll see you in a year!" he calls after her.
Sky
"I'll be fine, just say you'll stay forever mine."
On the plane ride home, Addison already starts to regret the decision. But the more she thinks about it, the more she knows that she made the right call.
For the next year she can't help but check her email and phone obsessively. She goes on dates, like she said she would, and focuses on healing herself, but there's always that small hope that Alex will contact her.
The one year mark comes and goes, with no contact from Alex. She fights the urge to cry, then remembers that she imposed this on herself. So she tries to buck up and move on, but it proves harder than expected.
Then, on the third month after the year mark, someone rings her doorbell. She opens the door to find Alex standing there. "I'm grown up now," he says. "Can I come in?" She nods mutely. They stand awkwardly in the foyer. "Sorry it took me so long, but I had to bribe Callie to give me your address," he apologizes.
She manages to find her voice. "A phone call would have sufficed."
He shrugs. "For you? Not really." They stand awkwardly some more. "Look," he finally says, "I did everything you asked. I went on dates, and I tried to grow up. I don't know if I accomplished it all the way, but I'm ready. You want commitment? You got it."
She lets out the breath that she hadn't realized she'd been holding. "I- I do?" He nods. "Okay."
"Okay."
"I, um, do you want something to drink?" she offers. He doesn't answer, just kisses her.
It really started with:
You look (lovely)… good.
Technically it started with:
I'm grown up now, can I come in?
It ended with:
(There's nothing to put here, it hasn't ended yet.)
The middle is still happening. Guess middle ground is their style after all.
i know that you know that you want to review.
-Juli-