Better than Gold
By Sharan McQuack, Launchpad's wife
Based loosely on "The City under the Ice", Gladstone's Ducktales #12, a story with a bad case of anybodybutLaunchpaditis. This, my version, has a hopefully mild case of toomuchofLaunchpaditis. And if I had the rights to Disney characters, I'd actually SELL Launchpad and make a bunch of money.
One hot summer day, Launchpad and I were eating ice cream in Duckburg Park, when we spotted the Trins riding an extra-long skateboard. All three of them on ONE board.
Then they ran into Launchpad. Literally. They crashed their skateboard into Launchpad. Launchpad grabbed the skateboard away from them and refused to give it back.
The Triplets got mad at him. Spotting their Uncle Scrooge, they ran to him and screamed:
"Unca Scrooge! Unca Scrooge! Launchpad took our skateboard and he won't give it back!"
"Oh, he won't, won't he? We'll just see about that! Launchpad! What's this about you taking away my nephews' scooter and not giving it back?" Mr. McDuck asked my Launchpad.
"Mr. McDee, all three of them were on ONE skateboard...and NONE of them was steering..." began Launchpad.
"Huey was steering!" Louie said.
"Huh? I thought Dewey was steering!" Huey said.
"And I thought Louie was steering!" Dewey said.
"See? They ran into me! Crashed right into me...and they were heading right towards the busiest crosswalk in Downtown Duckburg! Of course I took the stupid thing away from them, and I'm not giving it back- but I will make them 3 normal skateboards they can play on. That way, they won't be expecting the others to do the steering, but will steer it themselves. Do you blame me?" Launchpad asked.
"Is this true?" Mr. McDuck demanded of his nephews.
"Well- we did sort of crash into Launchpad because we each thought the other was steering." Huey admitted.
'And where was this and which way were you going?" Mr. McDuck grilled his nephews.
"Right over there. Heading straight ahead." Dewey said, pointing.
Mr. McDuck saw where Dewey pointed. Straight ahead was the widest, busiest crossroad in Duckburg- jammed full of traffic. Mr. McDuck thought of what could have happened to his nephews if they had continued in that direction with nobody steering and he gulped.
"Boys! Apologize to Launchpad THIS MINUTE! Much as I might hate to admit it, he did the right thing. You could have been killed, riding that thing so recklessly!" Mr. McDuck said.
"But...oh, OK. We're sorry." they chimed.
"That's OK. I'm NOT being mean. I'll build you 3 new skateboards later, I promise." Launchpad replied.
"That will have to wait, until we get back from the Arctic." Mr. McDuck said.
"The Arctic?" Launchpad asked.
"Yes. An Inuit- that's the proper term for an Eskimo- sold me an ancient map, handed down in his family. I xeroxed the map and donated the original to a museum. The map shows the way to an underground city of gold." Mr. McDuck said.
"ANOTHER City of Gold? One wasn't enough for you?" I asked.
"Sharan's got a point there, Mr. McDuck. The Valley of Golden Suns was nothing but trouble." Launchpad said.
"And gold's only valuable because it's rare. If you found a WHOLE CITY made of gold, would gold be worth anything anymore?" I asked.
"Oh, I doubt there is that much gold there. Just enough to make me even richer! Besides, the map speaks of something that's better than gold- and I'm curious as to what could be better than gold." Mr. McDuck said.
So Launchpad readied a plane for a trip to the Arctic and I helped. (1) First, he had to put some antifreeze into its engine.
"Not the kind in the blue bottle, the kind in the red bottle, it's got more viscosity." Launchpad said. (2)
"Launchpad...what's "viscosity'"?" I asked.
"You mean I know a word that YOU don't?" Launchpad asked, astonished.
"You do if you know what "viscosity" means. Because I don't." I replied.
"It's the thickness of a liquid." Launchpad explained.
"Since when is a liquid thick?" I asked, cluelessly.
"Ketchup is thick. Milkshakes are thick. Molasses is thick..."Launchpad explained further.
"Oh! Why is that a good thing?" I asked.
"It lasts longer." Launchpad said.
Soon, the plane was ready and Launchpad and I took turns flying the plane while the rest of the gang slept. I often wonder how many "stupid" or "clumsy" things Launchpad used to do because he was operating on TOO LITTLE SLEEP.
Anyway, we got to the Arctic Circle and landed in a small airfield in Alaska.
We went into a general store to buy supplies and talk to the locals. Some local thugs were having "fun" shooting at an unarmed old man. You know my Launchpad; he had to help the guy.
"Humph! Launchpad's rushing in without thinking again!" Mr. McDuck sneered.
"Well, I'M going to help him, even if YOU won't!" I replied.
"Why would YOU do something that dumb?" Mr. McDuck asked.
"Because if I were the one they were shooting at, I want somebody else to do something that "dumb", that's why!" I said.
Launchpad meanwhile had grabbed a solid iron skillet that was for sale and was swinging it meaningfully.
"I suggest you kind gentlemen find some other way of entertaining yourselves and leave that nice man alone." Launchpad said.
"Lookie here, we got ourselves a hero. Ya know what we do to heroes, dope? We shoot them." Thug #1 said.
And he shot at my Launchpad who automatically used the skillet as a shield and the bullet ricocheted off the skillet and right thru the store's window. The store's burglar alarm went off and the thugs scrammed before the local cops could show up. (3)
"Well, that's actually worked out a lot BETTER than I hoped it would." Launchpad said.
"You OK, mister?" Launchpad asked poor snook they had been shooting at.
"Yes, thank you. I owe you." Snook replied.
"Then maybe you can give us some information. We're looking for someplace, but we've never been in this area before." Launchpad said.
"I know this area backwards, forwards and upside-down. I can be your guide. Unless you think I'm too old. Most people think I'm helpless." the old "man" said.
"Believe me, I know just because you're old, that doesn't mean you're helpless!" Launchpad said.
"And what exactly does THAT mean?" Mr. McDuck asked.
"It was a compliment, Mr. McDuck. Take it as such." I said.
"My boss, Scrooge McDuck." Launchpad said, introducing Mr. McDee.
"Scrooge McDuck? Well, this must be big, to interest you! I'm Dennis Deduck." Dennis said.
"You're right, this is big. I need your promise to keep your beak shut about what we're looking for." Mr. McDuck said.
"Your big friend probably saved my life. And I need the work. I'll keep mum." Dennis promised.
Launchpad had to buy the cast iron skillet, that bullet bouncing off of it left a big dent in the skillet.
"Hah! You have to waste your money on a dented skillet! And we already have a skillet in our pack!" Mr. McDuck chuckled.
"It could come in handy. I may need a weapon again before this adventure is through." Launchpad said.
And it did come in handy, although not quite how Launchpad intended. After traveling on snowmobiles for quite some time, we were tired and cold and we stopped to rest next to an icy hill that blocked the wind.
Launchpad put the dented skillet on the snow covered ground and broke off a piece of long lasting log and put it in the middle of the skillet. Launchpad used the wrappers from our granola bars as kindling and soon had a fire going.
"It's coming in handy already! I don't know how I could light a fire with all this snow otherwise!" Launchpad said, happily.
"We've managed without a fire in this sort of situation before!" Mr. McDuck snapped.
I said nothing and pretended not to notice Mr. McDuck huddling near the fire gratefully as we ate and rested until the bit of log burned low. Mr. McDuck threw some snow on the fire- just in case. Then we grabbed the skillet with a pot holder and scrammed.
We kept going until we reached Bear's Tooth Mountain. The city was supposed to be under it someplace.
"I know where there are caves that lead far underground. I've only gone a little way down, so it may take awhile to find caverns that go all the way down." Dennis said.
Dennis led us into a cave. At first, it was a relief too at least be out of the wind. But soon, as we went further down, icy cold downdrafts whipped around us.
"Now you know why I never went down too far!" Dennis screamed, above the '"wind".
We kept going along a narrow snow and ice covered cliff slide. Until Mr. McDuck slipped and almost fell. Launchpad grabbed him, and then Launchpad lost his balance and slipped towards the edge. I grabbed Launchpad, which was kind of dumb thing to do; I'm no place strong enough to pick up Launchpad. But I love him, so I tried.
The boys tried to help and we all ended up falling - luckily our fall was broken when we landed in snow as soft as down.
"Where are we?" I asked.
Nobody could see a thing, so we dug for our flashlights in our packs and turned them on.
"At the bottom of Bear's Tooth Mountain. The City of Gold is supposed to here, someplace!" Mr. McDuck said.
"The path we were on doesn't lead down here. How are we going to get back?" Launchpad asked.
We looked around and saw no way out except straight up- no paths leading out. We would have to climb up with ice and snow covering the sheer walls.
"First, let's find the city of gold. Then we worry. There may be an exit there." Mr. McDuck said.
After searching the hollow we had fallen into, we found a city covered in ice.
"The city of gold!" Mr. McDuck screamed.
And, if you looked carefully thru the ice, the city was gold-colored.
Mr. McDuck scraped away at the ice and snow until he uncovered a little part of the city. A building built of what certainly looked like solid gold shone thru.
"It's not gold! It looks like gold, but it's not gold! The smell is all wrong!" Mr. McDuck lamented.
"But gold has no smell." I said automatically.
"Of course gold has a smell! And this isn't gold!" Mr. McDuck bellowed at me.
"Sharan, Mr. McDuck can smell gold. So can Flinty. Most "people" can't. I can't smell it, and I got a pretty good sense of smell for a duck. "(4) Launchpad explained.
"Wait a minute- maybe this is what's better than gold? Is that stuff brass or bronze Mr. McDuck?" I asked.
"No, it's some metal I've never seen before... a new metal? One that looks just like gold?" Mr. McDuck asked.
"If you can make practical stuff from it, like hammers and nails- that might be better than gold." I said.
"A good guess, Missy. I suppose that does make it better than gold- but that's not what we meant when we wrote of something better than gold." said an old, old dog- of the two legged talking dog variety.
"Who are you? And where did you come from?" asked Launchpad protectively.
"I'm Dedog the last. The last of the inhabitants of this city. This was a thriving city once, ages ago. A gold colored meteorite crashed here and we built a city out of the metal it was made of. But it was this rare liquid, found where the meteorite crashed that we thought was better than gold." Dedog began.
Dedog took us to the small gold colored building that he lived in. It was the only building not covered by ice. Dedog showed us a goblet full of a liquid.
"Behold the elixir of youth! It can make an old person young and healthy again. But it only works if you are at least 100 years old. Before that, it does nothing. And it does little towards making you LOOK young again. While your health and life and energy are restored- your appearance is almost unchanged." Dedog continued.
"This is the stuff that killed our city. Once we discovered what it could do, we survived to become young again. We took no chances; we played it safe- all to survive so we could become young again. And if we succeeded, all too often we simply did it all over again. We became so obsessed with having a second chance, a second life; we forgot to live the first one." Dedog explained.
"We didn't bother to get married nor have children. Why should we when we thought we could live forever? If you can call this "living". I've been young and then old again three times now- or was it four, I forget exactly. But more and more people died before they could reach 100- especially after the second or third time until I'm the only one left. I'm 99 years old again. I'm not sure if I'm going to make it to 100 again. I'm not sure I want to." Dedog said.
"But if you are at least 100 years old, it will restore your health and life. And you don't have to make the same mistakes we did, you can actually live your second life and not just survive it." Dedog finished.
Mr. McDuck stared at the liquid Dedog held.
"You'd be a fool NOT to drink it. You didn't survive to be 103 by wrapping yourself in cotton bating- and I doubt you're do that if you drink it." I said, in case Mr. McDuck hesitated because he did NOT wish to admit he was over 100.
So Mr. McDuck drank it and it worked: his heath and vitality were restored to him, although he LOOKED the same.
"I feel like a young man again!" Mr. McDuck said.
Dedog guided us to a passage that led first further down and then back up to the surface. We asked Dedog if he wanted to come with us, he said he wanted to stay with his home. So we left, but we came back soon after to make sure Dedog was comfy and to buy the new metal and the elixir.
Mr. McDuck had confirmed the unfortunate fact that the stuff only worked if you were at least 100 and was soon selling it quietly to the handful of "people" who were that old (including Grandma Duck (5). Mr. McDuck kept the stuff a secret least it be wasted on "people" too young for it to work on, the stuff was rare. And Mr. McDuck realized that if 'people" knew about it, they wouldn't believe it only worked if your were at least 100.
The End.
(1) Launchpad is still teaching me about how to do that sort of thing.
(2) My apologies IF to protect against the cold, you actually need antifreeze with LESS viscosity. Launchpad would know that. I don't. That's my point.
(3) My take at events in "Ducky Mountain High": that the Backwoods Beagles staged a fake robbery to kill or kidnap Mr. McDuck and Launchpad helped stop them, since no store owner would be dumb enough to put a LOADED gun in a display case.
Of course, Disney was dumb enough to "push" Bubba instead of Launchpad. And Gizmoduck instead of Launchpad. And.... Even looong after it must have been painfully oblivious that Launchpad was popular and they weren't. This still makes no sense to me whatsoever.
(4)Most birds have a lousy sense of smell. This is why certain birds of prey like owls and eagles can hunt skunks with impunity.
(5) Is Grandma Duck Donald's Grandmother or Scrooge's Mom who Americanized her last name?