Mikau: Hello everyone! Thank you so much for checking this out! I really hope you enjoy my pathetic attempt at a murder mystery…that didn't quite turn out to be a typical murder mystery. It's…a little confused as to what genre it's supposed to be, but I hope you'll have fun reading it anyway. I had a lot of fun writing it.

Disclaimer: If I owned it, there would be less of a focus on clever mysteries and daring heists and more of an emphasis on relationship drama. ^.^; It's times like this that I think, "You're not a very good author, are you?" Oh well.

…

The Fifth Detective

"Confound it all," Hakuba hissed under his breath as they entered the library.

Kaito peeked around his companion to ascertain what exactly the matter was. He understood immediately and grimaced accordingly: Upon their advent, there were now gathered four high school detectives in one location.

Someone was going to die—a fact of which they all seemed aware judging by the scene before Hakuba and Kaito as they stood in the doorway.

Sera Masumi wore a troubled expression as she ventured to ask, "Were you forced to come too?"

The other two didn't hear her over Hattori Heiji's exclamations of "Ku-Kudo?! Kudo, what th' hell're ya doin' here all big an'…an'…an'…?"

Meanwhile, Kudo Shinichi was lost in thought, hand to his chin as he puzzled things out, as calm as a Buddha amid a raging storm.

"I am so out of here," Kaito declared, turning to leave. He didn't care that they were out in the middle of the woods and that the car wouldn't be back for them until the day after next. He'd walk back to civilization. He just needed to make it back across that bridge over the gorge before their mysterious, anonymous host blew it up and cut the phone lines and murdered whomever he or she was planning to murder.

Too late.

Kaito hadn't progressed even a meter before the sound of an explosion echoed in the distance with finality, letting them know that their escape route was now obliterated into thousands of splinters, raining down to the bottom of the bottomless chasm which the bridge used to hang over. And just as if to spit in their faces and laugh, the explosion was followed by that telltale scream, informing them that a crime had been committed.

All Kaito could do at that point was step out of the way as the four detectives rushed out of the library like a thundering herd of wombats in a frenzied stampede. After waiting for Hakuba, Kudo, Hattori, and Sera to speed past like wolves on the hunt, Kaito reluctantly followed after them as they headed for the parlor like so many pigeons locking on to a homing beacon.

"Here we go," Kaito grumbled. "'It'll be fun', he said. 'There will be food', he said. 'If you don't come, I'll be forced to ask Aoko-kun, and then we'll be spending a romantic weekend in a secluded location listening to lectures on criminology together', he said." Kaito rolled his eyes as he recalled the various tactics Hakuba had used to finagle Kaito into coming to this geek retreat for law enforcement hopefuls.

Kaito still did not understand why his presence was desired in the first place…unless Hakuba had suspected that this whole remote gathering of the best and the brightest future cops was a trap—now that he thought about it, why hadn't Kaito suspected any of this?—and hadn't wanted to involve any innocents like Aoko.

Our hero arrived in the parlor a good thirty seconds behind the pack, so he walked into the scene in media res. There was the dead guy lying on the floor grabbing at his throat. Kudo had his nose all up in Dead Guy's face, almost inside the guy's mouth as he fanned the scent towards his nostrils, announcing that it smelled like bitter almonds.

First of all, didn't Kudo have any sense of decency or personal space or the ick factor of sticking your nose in a dead guy's mouth? No? Oh. Okay. Cool. Carry on, then.

Secondly, bitter almonds? Bitter? Maybe Kaito was a bit of a dunce when it came to nuts, but…was there really that big of a difference? I mean…did almonds have a super distinct scent or something? He'd eaten almonds before, but he'd never smelled anything. They didn't seem to have a particular, memorable odor to him, so…maybe the first guy that noticed the similarity between cyanide and bitter almonds was really into almonds…like some kind of nut sommelier or something. Because the scent of bitter almonds wasn't really something the general populous was readily familiar with, right?

Or maybe Kaito was wrong. He was trapped with four high school detectives out in the middle of nowhere. It was four to one, meaning that chances were he was going to be wrong a lot throughout the remainder of their captivity just going by the numbers.

As Kudo sniffed Dead Guy's face, a blonde girl (Dyed blonde. Soooo fake.) sobbed on her knees next to the body, wailing something incoherently…maybe Dead Guy's name? She looked to be about Dead Guy's age, probably just short of thirty. Pregnant but not yet showing too much. No ring on her finger. I give you: Girlfriend.

Also standing around looking dumb were (collectively) The Suspects, two guys and one girl.

The girl (a plain and sensible-looking brunette with unfashionable glasses and a large nose—sorry, it's true) looked absolutely pissed as she stared at Dead Guy…no. She was looking at Girlfriend. She was ticked off…because…?

Well, let's see. She probably didn't like Girlfriend or was mad at her or something. But why was she mad? Why didn't she like Girlfriend? Why—when Dead Guy was lying on the floor dead, most likely murdered—was this woman choosing to ignore the situation at hand in favor of dwelling on her feud with Girlfriend? Unless she thought that Girlfriend had something to do with the murder…or maybe she was jealous of Girlfriend because she had liked Dead Guy herself.

Kaito took a quick look at the brunette's left hand. Oh. OH! There! There was a tan line! It was the middle of summer, but the woman had a tan line on her left ring finger! That meant that she had recently removed the ring, probably within the last few weeks since the woman looked like she did that spray-on thing that made you look orange with the frequency that some people went to church, but the tan line had not yet disappeared. She wasn't wearing the ring around her neck on a chain like one might do if their lover had died, so that meant that she had taken it off voluntarily because the relationship had ended!

OH! Which made her Scorned Ex-Fiancée…or Wife! ...And turned Girlfriend into Skanky Ho/Baby Mama and Dead Guy into Adulterous Bastard. Ouch. Sticky situation.

The guy to the right of Scorned Ex (big, most likely dumb in Kaito's experience, but with a set of chiseled abs and a well-defined chin somewhat resembling a rear end) had a hand on the small of her back. That would make him Rebound.

He was probably good in bed, had a good heart, but that was it. Scorned Ex was too smart for him, and her talk of Balzac and Kant went right over his head. Kaito could tell that she was a fan of old French stuff and Kantian ethics. He liked old French stuff too. Not so much Kant except for the whole thing about so long as you had good intentions, but…he could tell that she was one of those people by the line at the corner of her mouth. They all had that same little wrinkle at the corners of their mouths from making a very distinct face as they puzzled over morality.

The other guy was slight and lacking a spine. No, not literally. But Kaito could see it in the way he trembled and nibbled on his bottom lip and kept looking around nervously and muttering to himself about how this was all his fault.

Ah. This shorty with the salary man haircut and beaver-like front teeth was Well-Meaning-Friend-Who-Suggested-That-Their-Old-Whatever-Club-Get-Back-Together-For-A-Trip-Without-Knowing-What-A-Mess-Of-Relationships-They-Were-In. We'll just call him "Friend" and move on.

So that meant that Friend was innocent but probably the unwitting pawn of the true mastermind. Rebound was too dumb to think all this up himself, and he probably hadn't known about the bad blood between Scorned Ex and Dead Guy. He'd probably just happened to meet up with Scorned Ex after some years of separation and they'd started dating without him realizing that Scorned Ex was on the mend. Poor sap.

This all meant that either Scorned Ex or Girlfriend was the killer. But if Scorned Ex was the one to blame, she would have looked more calm and collected…or maybe distraught like Girlfriend. She was a smart woman who had been cheated by a louse. If she had planned this murder, she would do a better job of faking surprise or regret or…conflicting emotions at least.

Besides, it didn't make sense that Scorned Ex was the killer. Dead Guy couldn't have known that Scorned Ex was coming. He wouldn't have come—with his baby mama at that—if he had. That would just be stupid and asking to get pushed off the bridge (which was now in miniscule pieces anyway) and into the bottomless gorge. What had most likely happened was Girlfriend had urged Friend to get the old group together. Girlfriend had told Dead Guy that Scorned Ex wouldn't be there, so Dead Guy had come willingly.

Scorned Ex, on the other hand, not knowing that Girlfriend was the treacherous cow that her fiancé had been cheating on her with, had come with Rebound in order to show Dead Guy that she was okay, that she was so over him and moving on. …But then Scorned Ex saw the pregnant Girlfriend arrive with Dead Guy and put two and two together.

Kaito would bet anything that there was a very public catfight and Scorned Ex had, in a fit of understandable rage, shouted that she was going to kill Dead Guy. And then an hour or two later, Dead Guy wound up dead. All according to Girlfriend's plan and looking very incriminating for poor Scorned Ex who had been double screwed over by the calculating Girlfriend.

But what was Girlfriend's motive for killing Dead Guy? Didn't she care that her child would now be fatherless?

Kaito shivered in full-on fury at that thought. She had stolen her own child's father away. Didn't she know what that was like? Growing up without a dad? God, he could march right over there and slap her on the unborn kid's behalf for what she had done. She was a monster.

But why had she killed him? …Probably because Dead Guy was a serial cheater. There was no ring on Girlfriend's finger. She probably wasn't the only one that Dead Guy had been fooling around with. Who knows how many other children Girlfriend had just deprived of a father.

She'd gotten angry when he'd refused to marry her and settle down, so she was taking her revenge on Dead Guy and throwing the blame on Scorned Ex just because it suited Girlfriend's designs.

How diabolically sick.

As Kaito trembled with rage and disgust, Kudo scoured the room and Hattori crassly questioned Scorned Ex, Rebound, and Friend, hotheadedly demanding to know the particulars in minute detail.

Apparently Dead Guy, of his own free will, snuck some of the almond bark that was to be the afternoon snack after tea. Anyone could have poisoned it because they'd all had access, but then how could it be a cold-blooded murder case when there was no way to know who would eat the almond bark or when they would eat it or if anyone would eat it at all?

Unless it was suicide made to look like murder in order to frame one of the remaining friends. But why?

None of the detectives could answer that question yet.

While the others carried on their investigation a little callously, Hakuba was down on one knee next to Girlfriend, a comforting hand on her shoulder. He tried to sooth her, offered her a handkerchief, volunteered to get her some water, a chair to sit on.

And the whole time, Sera watched like a hawk, standing back and letting the others act first. She was strategically waiting for the mid-game to kick into action. She took note of every move Kudo made, every speck of dust he rubbed between his fingers experimentally, every object he picked up with a handkerchief. She paid minimal attention to the inquiries of Hattori Heiji, but she did take note of Hakuba's efforts to comfort Girlfriend. She looked intrigued…impressed with the Brit.

Sera saw Kaito too, shaking like a kitten left out in the cold.

"You all right?" she whispered compassionately, reaching out and gently touching his arm. "Not good with dead bodies?"

"I'm horrible with dead bodies," Kaito spit through gritted teeth. "And I'm even worse with fatherless children." Kaito raised his voice, shouting over the din of Heiji, "Do you even understand what the hell you've done?!"

Everyone froze, pausing midsentence, mid-thought to look at Kaito.

"Kuroba?" Hakuba frowned at his companion.

"You! Blondie! Do you understand what the hell you've done to your own child?!" Kaito snapped, unable to hold it in anymore as the bitter tears of his own suffering built up in his eyes.

Girlfriend looked up at him in utter shock. "M-Me? You think I did this?"

"You bet your dye job!" Kaito retorted, hands balling into fists and nails biting at his palms.

"How ridiculous! Why would I kill Daichi?! I loved him! You don't have any proof!" she threw back at him, confident in her trick.

"I don't know how you did it, and I don't care," Kaito huffed. "That's for the detectives to figure out with those big brains of theirs. The only thing I care about is how you're going to make this up to your son or your daughter. You have no idea what it's like growing up robbed of one of your parents, do you? You don't know how it feels on Father's Day while the other kids are celebrating how great their dads are, talking about how they're going to spend the day with their dads, to not have one! You have no idea how much it hurts, all the birthdays and the Christmases and all those little milestones that you're supposed to celebrate to not have your dad there for that. Whether it's the school play or parents' visit day…if you play sports or an instrument or something…your debut as a magician when you finally get to stand on that stage alone and show the world what you can do…"

Kaito looked her right in the eye and accused, "You've stolen more than that crumby, cheating bastard's life. You've taken away your kid's dad—all of the memories and the support, the advice and the love that goes along with that. And why? Because he hurt you? Because you were mad? Did you think that killing him would make you feel better? Serve him right?" He shook her head. "He's dead and now nothing can hurt him. The one you've really hurt is that baby in your stomach, that tiny, innocent life that you were supposed to protect. So I'm asking you: now do you understand what the hell you've done?"

The flush of tears left her face, leaving it pale and horrified. "…T-That's why I wanted you to stop me," Girlfriend whispered. "That's why I called you all here! To stop me!" She put her hand over her stomach and began to cry again, tears of remorse for her unborn child. "I wanted you to stop me, you supposedly great detectives! But that idiot poisoned himself too soon! He ate it before he was supposed to, and you couldn't stop me!"

The four sleuths looked in amazed incredulity back and forth between Girlfriend and Kaito.

"Well, hell," Heiji snorted. "She confessed."

"Yeah. She did." Shinichi narrowed his eyes, studying his doppelganger for the first time. He had been too caught up in the bizarre mystery before, but now…

"That was incredible," Sera whistled in appreciation of Kaito's skill. "What was your name again? I didn't catch it before."

"Kuroba Kaito," the magician muttered.

"I don't think I've ever heard of you," she hummed, wracking her brain for some recollection.

"You haven't heard of me because I'm not like you people. I'm not a detective," Kaito returned gruffly, pivoting like a soldier and turning to leave, unable to stand the sight of the scene in front of him a moment longer. "I could never deal with stuff like this day in and day out like you people do; it would break me."

Kaito retreated to the library, leaving the professionals to tidy up the mess. He curled up into a little lopsided ball-shape on the sofa there, burying his face in the throw pillows and letting the tears slowly start to roll down his cheeks.

…

It was about twelve minutes later when Hakuba came to fetch him. The blonde approached cautiously, not wanting to disturb his friend but getting this unsettling feeling that he needed to check on the magician.

"Kuroba?" he called gently, not wanting to alarm the easily startled teen. "Kuroba, are you all right? We were going to eat lunch in just a bit."

"How can you think of eating at a time like this?" Kaito spit into his pillow, so it came out garbled.

"Easy. I'm still alive and I wish to remain that way; therefore, I must consume calories in order to maintain my biomass," Saguru replied with practiced flippancy.

Kaito was silent.

Sensing that his light-hearted, carefree air was having the opposite of its intended effect, Saguru wiped the calm smile clean off his face. "I joke about it, but it is true, Kuroba. In times like these, you have to keep up your strength."

Kaito sat up and glared at his friend. "In times like these? You talk like this is all normal, everyday stuff for you. I know you're a detective and you do this all the time, but…have you really ceased to see what a big deal this is? A man is dead. A woman's going to jail, and their child is going to be an orphan. At best it'll go into the system…at worst…it'll go into the system. It hasn't even been born yet, and already it's got a suck-tastic existence. How can you all be so unfeeling as to eat lunch with all this going on?" Kaito accused.

Saguru sighed, shaking his head and trying not to see just how hard Kaito had been crying. "I'm sorry that you find me so jaded, Kuroba. You're probably right. Yours is definitely the more humane, decent way to look at things, but…the plain facts are that detectives do see things like this every day. If I broke down over every orphaned child, every person robbed of life, liberty, or joy, I would waste a great portion of my days and be completely useless to the victims. It's my job to see that justice gets done, wrong is punished, and those injured receive some kind of peace or compensation."

Kaito shifted uncomfortably, feeling guilty for accusing Hakuba of being cold now that he was beginning to understand that that wasn't the case at all.

"I wish I were free to be as sensitive as you, Kuroba, but I am not afforded that luxury if I wish to continue being able to do my job well."

Kaito nodded, still not looking at his friend. "At least you're better than some of them. Kudo looks at the bodies as if they were lumps of carbon…as if that's all they had ever been. He's as clinical as a surgeon."

"And he gets the best results out of all of us," Saguru informed.

Kaito bit his lip. "Still. I never want to become like that. Kudo's been at this too long. He's got some serious issues. I don't need any more serious issues."

Hakuba gave Kaito's shoulder a reassuring pat. "Don't worry. I like you better this way too. I won't take you on any more of these misadventures. I'm sorry, Kuroba. It was wrong to make you come with me in the first place. I really am sorry."

Kaito shook his head, coming out of his melancholy a just barely perceptible bit. "It's okay. But…why did you bring me here?"

Hakuba chewed on the inside of his cheek before admitting, "Honestly? I knew something bad was going down, and I could think of no one better to have at my side, watching my back. Once again, I am sorry, Kuroba. It was recklessly irresponsible of me. I totally disregarded your safety and—"

"—It's okay, Hakuba," Kaito replied, every bit in earnest. He looked at his friend and smiled softly. "I'm really glad that you have so much faith in me."

"Of course. You've earned my trust…and now the trust of the other detectives too. Sera-san was most impressed with you and even Kudo-kun acknowledged your skill. Hattori Heiji is an idiot; therefore his opinion doesn't matter, but…they all want to meet you if you feel like rejoining the group later. You don't have to come now or eat just yet if you don't want to, but…"

Kaito grimaced. "I don't know. I'm not so sure I'll fit in."

"I don't know," Saguru hummed. "I mean, even Arsène Lupin solved cases when the whim struck him, and you've got a brain as good as any Lupin. You might as well put it to good use."

Kaito squirmed. "I don't know. I'm not so hot on the idea of stumbling over bodies like Kudo does."

"There are many kinds of detectives, Kuroba. You don't have to deal with murders if you don't want to. If you'll recall, my own specialty is theft. If you set your mind to it, you could do a lot of good. You've got a detective's intuition and mind…and trouble seems to follow you around already anyway, so…"

Kaito gave him a wry smile. "I'll think about it. At the very least, maybe I can be a Lupin amongst all you Holmeses in your inverness and your weirdo hats. At least Lupin had a sense of style."

Now it was Hakuba's turn for chagrin as he wondered what kind of monster he had unleashed upon the world…and his fellow detectives.

The

End

…

Mikau: Yes. So. I'm actually really unsure about this one. It's kind of the first time I've tried doing something like this, so…I had fun with it, but I'm not sure if others will like it. I'd really appreciate you guys letting me know what you thought. What were your favorite parts? What could have been better? What made you laugh? Which parts missed the mark? Thanks in advance for your honest opinions, guys. I really appreciate you taking the time to read and review. Have an awesome week!