Denial.
For Alex's lack of a better term (because really, nothing about hurting is good, so might as well describe it as ugly as it felt,) losing Piper when she really wasn't hers to lose hurt like a fucking bitch. When Piper turned her back on her that day, Alex had spent a good amount of time taking it all in, making herself understand what just happened.
Because surely, someone couldn't just disappear from someone's life that quickly?
She understood that Piper had someone else waiting for her. She's known that from day one. So maybe, Alex could understand Piper's hesitation in accepting her offer. She caught her off-guard, made her do something they swore they'd never do.
Alex started feeling and that wasn't part of the deal.
But she knew. She felt it. Piper felt the same fucking thing, too. She could see it in her eyes, hear it from her voice, feel it with her own skin and heartbeat. She fell in-love with Piper and Piper had fallen in love with her, too.
So she was, most definitely coming back, right? She was going to realize what she's done, realize she never really wanted to lose Alex, realize it was Alex she should've chosen instead of that ugly fucking sweater-wearing Jew boy who didn't deserve her.
She was coming back. And all Alex had to do was wait.
Anger.
Alex waited. She waited every single day for Piper to come back. She was aware she looked stupid, watching the door for the better part of each of her day, waiting for someone to knock... waiting for Piper. She patiently waited for a call or even just a text from her, saying she'd be coming over soon, to take everything back.
But none of those happened.
So basically, Alex waited for nothing.
And she could feel the anger bubble inside her chest for being so stupid thinking Piper would come to her senses and pick her. Maybe she's read everything wrong. Maybe she was too blinded by her own emotions to see that there was no way Piper would ever feel anything for her. She was only with her for her own pleasure (something her dumbass boyfriend clearly couldn't give her) and Alex was dumb enough to think there was something more.
Stupid fucking feelings.
Bargaining.
But maybe, this would all soon go away. Maybe it was just a phase that Alex would get over with in a matter of days, or okay, maybe a couple of weeks. Piper was almost just a stranger to her, someone she barely saw, and just spent all her time with fucking.
Really. Any sane person, anyone with a freaking brain inside her head would know that this wasn't something she needed to dwell on because it was nothing. Her feelings for Piper weren't as huge as Alex felt, she wasn't as important as Alex was making herself believe.
So maybe. Maybe the pain will fade. Maybe her heart would stop feeling like it's been broken to pieces. Maybe someday she'll just stop hurting. Maybe in time, she'll finally forget Piper had ever existed in her life.
Maybe.
Depression.
But fuck maybe's. Because it had been more than a couple of weeks, more than a month and Alex still felt like the other half of her was nonexistent. She's tried everything, from drinking until she was blind drunk to fucking any decent woman she'd meet. Just so she could get through a day without wanting to blow her own head off from missing Piper way too much.
But none of those work. Because in everything she look at, there was Piper.
She saw her in her room, where they'd spent almost all their time together. She saw her in her old Rolling Stones shirt that Piper always liked wearing. She saw her in the subway where she had seen her again that second time. She saw her in every girl with blonde hair and blue eyes. She saw her in everything.
And it was sad, and pathetic, and annoying, and it hurt so deeply that Alex felt like if there was anything more painful than a slow death, this would be it. It would be waiting for someone who would never come back. It would be imagining things that would never happen.
It would be loving someone who didn't love you back.
That would probably feel like dying more than death itself. And if Alex was really counting, she's already died more than what was humanly possible.
Acceptance.
- not applicable at the moment -
-o-o-o-
Five weeks.
Five weeks of not seeing Piper, of trying to get on with her life pretending that everything was okay and that she didn't feel like a part of her was missing. Three weeks of hating herself for missing her.
Five weeks and yet Alex felt like she had not made any progress at all.
When Piper walked out of her room that day, Alex thought that she would never see her again, that the chances were so slim she would've probably seen her father a second time before Piper would be before her eyes again. That's why when there was a knock on her door, she didn't even for a second think that the person on the other side of it was the last person she ever thought would come at this hour of the day, would come at all.
Piper was standing right at her doorstep and it took every ounce of Alex's strength not to run to her and do her very first instinct the first moment her eyes landed on Piper's blues, to wrap her in a bone-crushing hug.
"Piper?" Alex finally managed to say when she got over her surprise, when she realized hugging Piper was the last thing she needed to do right now.
"H-hey," Piper's voice was soft and laced with hesitance, like she wasn't sure why she was right here. She couldn't even look Alex in the eye and as soon as the immediate shock left her, it was instantly replaced by a sudden anger Alex didn't even know she still felt.
"What are you doing here?" Alex's voice sounded harsher than she intended for it to be and she saw Piper flinch. She fought the urge to go to her and soothe her like she's always been used to.
"I just... I..."
Piper looked at loss for words and it made Alex impatient. She's still trying her best to get used to Piper's absence and the blonde being here right now wasn't helping in any way. If Alex was being honest, she wanted Piper to just disappear from her sight again, but she couldn't bring herself to put it into her own hands, to be the one to ask her to leave.
Or maybe, it also had to do with her stupid need for Piper to want to stay, for it to be the choice she'd make this time.
So she stayed quiet as she waited for Piper to say something, to say why she suddenly decided to come here again, to break the damn wall Alex had been trying to build between the two of them. She already left. She should've just stayed gone.
"I just wanted to talk," Piper had finally mustered to speak again and this time, she sounded a bit surer.
And she finally looked at Alex.
Alex felt as if her breath was caught in her throat.
All of a sudden, her need for Piper to leave and the anger that had started to settle in the pit of her stomach were gone. All she'd ever craved to do was to hold her again, to tell her how much she missed her. She just wanted to wrap her in her arms and ask her to come back to her and to stay this time.
She just wanted to hold her and never let her go again.
But she didn't do any of those.
Because as much as it hurt her to her very core how much she wanted Piper back, Alex swore to herself that she was done. She couldn't go back to being Piper's second choice again when she had always been her first choice, her only choice. She couldn't be just another reserve that Piper could come to whenever she felt like it. She couldn't let Piper hurt her that way again.
So instead, she shook her head and let out a hollow laugh. "There's nothing to talk about, Piper. You already left." Alex's own words were like a knife slashing through her own chest. But she went on thinking that if she didn't do this now, she would forget every promise she made to herself and give in to that voice telling her she needed Piper back. "Piper, you already chose him."
Alex knew she sounded bitter but she couldn't help it. When Piper left, she hadn't had the chance to tell her how she felt, how much watching Piper walk away from her hurt. And she wanted to do that now. No matter what it meant. No matter how much each word ruined her.
"I know. And I... I made a mistake." Piper took in a deep breath and for a second, Alex wished she would stop talking. Because she was certain that whatever it was that was gonna come out of Piper's mouth, good or bad, wouldn't help her at all. "...I regretted that every single day ever since, Al. I know it's stupid that I'm doing this just now, that I chose him even though it wasn't really what I wanted. If I could just do it all over again, I'd choose you, every time."
It wasn't what Alex was expecting. For the longest time ever since Piper left, she's always hoped that one day, Piper would say these words to her. But she's already come to that point where she was convinced she would have been better off without her.
Alex shook her head, trying to ignore the stinging of her eyes and the tightening of her chest. "All I asked for was one night, and you couldn't even give me that."
"I know. But Alex if I stayed, I wouldn't have left. So asking me to stay for just a night would have also meant asking me to stay in your life for good."
"And you didn't want that... so you chose to stay out of it... for good."
"It's not that... Alex, I just-" Piper looked a little panicked now and somehow this made Alex back up. "...I just really need you to understand, please. Ten minutes, that's all I ask."
Alex knew that this was wrong. That she was putting all her defences down by letting Piper inside her house. But when Piper asked for ten minutes, she couldn't help but feel how everything had turned around, with Piper doing what Alex had done the whole time they were together.
It was Piper who was asking for a tiny fraction of her time now and it shouldn't have made Alex feel better, but somehow it did... like this was some sort of way she could get back at her for what she'd done.
It was childish, Alex was aware of that. But she was barely holding on to her supposed anger at Piper and she could feel it slowly slip away, totally out of her control. It was painfully funny how Piper was capable of this, of manipulating Alex without her really doing it, of making her still want her despite everything.
"Please, Alex..."
"Ten minutes," Alex said as she opened her door wider, knowing full well it was gonna be longer than that. An hour or two was never enough with Piper before, how on earth was ten minutes gonna be enough now when Piper was just about to tell her how she really felt?
So she let her in, praying like crazy that she was only letting Piper inside her house and not into her life again because god knows how badly that would just end up.
As Piper hesitantly stood in front of her, Alex couldn't help but feel how weird it was to have Piper back inside her place and not touch her, not feel her own skin burn against hers. Maybe it was the lack of physical touch that made Alex feel so disconnected with her. But Alex knew that it went beyond that. It was the fact that she gave her heart to Piper only for the blonde to break it into pieces leaving Alex with that hollow feeling inside her chest.
"What do you want, Piper?"
"You. I want you, Alex."
"Are you kidding me?" Alex blurted out and she knew it was mostly a bleak attempt at putting her walls back up because hearing Piper say that made her knees weak. It sounded so beautiful and yet it was destructive. It was like listening to that song that always made you remember what pain felt like. "You don't get to do that Piper. You don't get to hurt me and leave in just a fucking snap like that as if I only meant shit to you, only for you to come back for your own goddamn convenience!"
Piper's tears were visible now and Alex looked everywhere but at her because she knew that if she did, she was gonna start crying, too, and there was no way in hell she was gonna let that happen again.
"I was scared," Piper's voice was soft and pained, "...being with you even though I already promised someone else that I would marry him was wrong no matter where you look at it. But it felt right to me. It felt more right than anything I've ever had my entire life. Everything about you just fit every part of me, like losing you would mean breaking every inch of me, too. And I didn't know what to do with that. Larry was safe. He's everything I was made to believe I was meant to be with for the rest of my life. And you... you're everything he isn't."
"So you chose him."
"Yes, because I thought that was what was right. I thought he was the right person for me. I'm a coward Alex, and you're the only person who has ever made me feel like I can be brave, too. And I'm sorry for not seeing it any sooner but I do now. And I just... I don't wanna spend the rest of my life not being able to tell you how I really feel."
Alex watched as Piper struggled to keep her tears from flowing, probably wanting to look braver than she felt. And without really meaning to, she felt proud of her. Because this was maybe one of the few times Piper did something that wasn't expected of her, something the people around her didn't tell her to do.
She was so close to telling her that when Piper spoke again, breaking Alex's heart once more in the process.
"I know you hate me. After what I did to you, I'd be more surprised if you didn't. So I'd understand if you wouldn't want anything to do with me anymore. I just... I just really wanted to tell you."
In all honestly, Alex could tell her to fuck off right there and then (it wouldn't be easy, but she could try) but looking at Piper like this, her want to be protective of her, that instinct of not letting anything hurt her, won over any resentment she'd felt for being rejected by her before.
Initially, everything was about her pain, about what she's gone through from that point up to now. But ultimately, what really mattered to Alex, what was most important to her was the simple truth that despite everything, she still loved Piper more than anything in this world. And right now, she was right in front of her doing that very thing Alex always wished for to come true.
"I don't."
"What?"
"I don't hate you. Believe me, I tried. But my heart is too damn stubborn." Piper looked as if she was torn between smiling and crying even harder and Alex noticed just how much more she fell in love with her. "I could never hate you Piper, even if I wanted to."
This time, Alex decided to move closer to the blonde, just at an arm's length now. She then raise her arm to slightly and quickly wiper Piper's tears away. She hated it when Piper cried.
"I'm really sorry, Alex."
"I know."
For a moment, the only thing Alex could hear was Piper's pained breathing and her own heart beating inside her chest like it was gonna explode in a short matter of time. Then she saw Piper nod as she took a step back, closer towards the door.
"I should... I should probably go. Thank you for listening to me."
She then started walking and as soon as her hand had enclosed Alex's door knob, panic had started to settle in her stomach. "You're really gonna turn your back again on me another time?"
And it was as if Piper couldn't turn back around quicker. "I just don't know if... if you forgive me."
"Then why don't you ask me?" Alex looked straight into Piper's eyes, daring her to look back at her, to say something more.
Breathing deeply, Piper did hold her gaze as she spoke nervously. "Do you forgive me?"
"I thought I wouldn't. To be honest, I never even thought you would come back and say these things. But thankfully, I was wrong." And for the first time in as long as Alex could remember, she smiled and it was probably the lightest she's ever felt. "So yeah, I forgive you. Because after everything, despite everything, I still really love you. And I don't know what you want to do with that—"
But what Alex was supposed to say next suddenly didn't matter anymore because Piper was kissing her, holding on to her like letting her go was the last thing she ever wanted to do. And it was at that exact moment that Alex felt how all her pain was worth this one simple kiss.
"I really, really, do love you, too." Piper then whispered in between kisses and Alex knew she would never get tired of hearing her say those words.
So she kissed her again. And then again. And then again, all the while thinking that if this was going to be the end game for every hurt Alex would feel in the future, with Piper in her arms kissing her like it was all that mattered, she would gladly go through all the five stages of grief over and over again.
Because Piper was worth it, and loving her was worth every pain in this world.
-o-o-o-
A/N:
Who knew I'd ever come back? I don't really know how to feel about this little attempt at a sequel. All I know is that it's not my best work, and more importantly, S4 Vauseman made me realize that they don't deserve an unhappy ending. So here you go. Thanks for reading! =)