You don't see it at first. Not at first. She's the pretty girl who comes up to you and surprises you on the train. She's your new friend from school who makes fun of your accent and calls you Huckleberry. She's your almost-girlfriend's best friend. And then she's more than this. And she's something so close and so quiet, she's something that feels like a secret and a wish and an impossible, pointless dream.
And then, you're in high school, and this secret has gotten loose, and it feels like something big and massive that's hurtling towards something, maybe something bad. It could crush you, all of you, everyone involved, and this decision rests on your shoulders. You just don't know what you want to do. (Or maybe you do know what you want, but you don't think you want to want it. You don't think you should.)
And then, you've made your decision. You can't wait to share it with the girl you chose. But when you see her again, something's changed. Overnight, she's crumbled. She's not herself anymore, she says, and she needs to get herself back. The words "I choose you" die on your lips. You understand she has to do what she needs to do.
But somehow, you feel as if you've lost something, and you may never get it back.
-::-::-::-::-::-::-
Time passes. The girl you had chosen in the beginning is not the girl you choose in the end. You tell yourself you're happy, and you are. You like Riley. You've always liked Riley. It's different than how you liked Maya, but at this point, you think that difference just meant that you and Maya weren't meant to be. The deal was you make the right decision, and everyone gets to stay friends.
But you don't really talk to Maya anymore. And if you're being honest, you don't really talk to Riley either. So, without you realizing it, you've lost them both. Just what you were afraid was going to happen. Riley and Maya, though, proved themselves unbreakable. You think that's a good thing. Their friendship remains unharmed, untouched. If you had come between that, you would never have forgiven yourself. Besides, it's high school. You tell yourself this is how things were meant to be, and you go on. You and Riley aren't heading for the altar, you're not Cory and Topanga, you're Lucas and Riley and that's fine. It's just high school. This is more than good for a little while. It doesn't have to be forever.
-::-::-::-::-::-::-
It's not. Riley says she's moving to London and you're sad. You're more than sad. You want to be in her life forever. But the distance - it just doesn't feel like it would work with you two. You can barely cross the distance when you're a hallway apart without some prodding, let alone an ocean. So when she's not leaving after all, you're happy. You assume you guys are back on.
And she doesn't. She insists that you two broke up, and if you guys were going to get back together, then you should have talked to her about it. This leads to a long conversation in the bay window without Maya or Farkle or Zay or Smackle to break any tension or lead the conversation or nudge you or influence you. It's just you and Riley, finally talking it out. She tells you that in the beginning she did like you, but it's so long ago now that it's hard to even remember what that feels like. She tells you that her heart doesn't race anymore when you smile at her, and even when it did, it was a trot, not a gallop. She says that she cares about you, and she doesn't think that'll ever go away. She tells you she loves you, but maybe not like that.
You grin at her, because everything she says feels like she's seeing inside your head. You end that night with a hug (so similar and so different to one you had at a ski lodge months ago) and a promise to stay friends - best friends.
You do. You both tell everyone at lunch the next day. For the most part, Zay and Farkle shrug and say that it's cool, Smackle says she figured all along. Maya is the only one who protests. "What do you mean you broke up? You're Riley and Lucas. It's been three years, you can't just -"
"Maya," Riley says, cutting her off, "It's okay. This isn't a bad thing. I'm fine."
Maya nods, and leans back in her seat, but she doesn't look up for the rest of lunch and she doesn't talk to you for the rest of the day. (Not that she talked to you much before.)
-::-::-::-::-::-::-
You figure after a bit you'll start being able to talk to Maya again. Picking one girl meant distancing yourself from the other, but now that you're free again, now that you're not with anyone, part of you thought things with Maya would go back to the way they were. But if anything, she seems to talk to you less. You try not to let this hurt you too much. (It does, though. It does. And you think you know why.)
You think maybe the best thing to do is just give it time. After all, you've waited a while already. What's a few more weeks?
-::-::-::-::-::-::-
Well, things don't really change. And you keep forgetting what went down at the ski lodge. You don't even understand why. Josh. You have to remind yourself that Josh Matthews is still a part of this equation. But that's okay. You're not asking to be Maya's boyfriend, you're not asking to be anything - except for her friend. Which technically you are, if friends never spoke to each other and only saw each other when they were in group settings. If one of the friends could pretend that that had been all they ever were for each other, even if they could never quite believe it.
-::-::-::-::-::-::-
You're still waiting it out, trying to coax Maya into the occasional conversation, when she starts to spiral. Maya has always liked partying. It's never bothered you before - parties haven't really been your scene, though you've been to a few, but Maya has a way of rooting out the biggest ones and heading to them with Zay. Riley's not a partier at all, so she stays home most of the time. Maya likes to party. But it's only recently that it's become an every-weekend thing.
You aren't sure if you should say something. You don't think it's your place. And then you get a phone call at 1:00 in the morning on a Saturday, hours after you went to bed. You haven't seen that name on your caller ID since eighth grade, but there it is, Maya Hart, and your stomach drops. It fucking drops to the floor because why would Maya be calling you, and why would Maya be calling you now?
But when you pick up the phone, she's laughing. "Zay, where did you go?" You haven't talked, really talked, to Maya in a while, but you can hear the edge to her laughter. You can't tell that something's not right.
"Maya?" you say, which is the most pointless thing to say because you know it's her.
"I mean it, everyone's leaving." She almost sounds scared. "And I don't - my purse is - shit, I don't even know how to get home." She laughs again, but it sounds a lot more nervous.
"This isn't - this isn't Zay, this is Lucas."
"What? I can't - god, there's a lot of traffic. No, Zay, can you just come and - I don't know. I don't know, but can you just - come -"
You're standing now. You're already putting on your shoes. "Where are you?"
"Uh…" There's a long pause on the other end.
"Maya, where are you?"
"You know where I am, I texted you the address. I'm - shit, I gotta go."
"Maya? Maya?" You say her name into the phone but the line has gone dead. Cursing under your breath, grabbing your jacket and your keys, you call Zay. He picks up after the fifth ring, when you're unlocking your car door.
"You better have a good ass reason to be calling me at one in the morning."
"Where are you?" you ask, and you hear more laughter on the other end, but it's just Zay's and it sounds tired.
"What do you mean, where am I? Bed. It's past my bedtime."
"You're not at a party?"
"Why would I be at a party?"
"Because Maya called me, thinking she was calling you and she's looking for you!"
There's another pause on Zay's end and you really wish he would just answer your question. "She said she wasn't going." His voice is serious now. Not too serious, it's still Zay, but he's not irritated with you anymore. "I told her that party sounded like too much and so she said we'd both skip it."
"She told me she texted you the address, do you still have it?"
"Yeah, she sent it to me yesterday, I'll send it to you right now." You hear the click that lets you know you've been put on speaker phone and then your phone buzzes with the address. You put it into google maps right away. About a ten minute drive from here. Almost no traffic since it's the middle of the night. "You got it?" Zay asks you.
"Yeah," you say, feeling like you can't say anything else.
"Text me when you got her, okay?"
"Yeah." And then you hang up and go.
-::-::-::-::-::-::-
Parties are usually easy to spot, especially in the middle of the night, because of all the lights and music. But Maya said everyone was leaving and that seems to be true, because when you arrive at the destination, the street looks as quiet as any other. You park your car and get out, calling her name a few times, but not too loudly - after all, she could have left.
But she didn't. When you find her, she's lying on the grass with her eyes closed, and you thought you were scared before but now your stomach hasn't just dropped it's on another plane of existence, and you race to her side, heart in your mouth. You shake her, not too soft, not too hard, and when she stirs you let out the biggest sigh of relief. "Maya?" you say, and your voice feels too loud in the stillness.
(Although it's not as quiet as it was that night in Texas, her lips inches from yours.) She blinks her eyes open, and when she sees that it's you kneeling over her, she flinches and pulls away. "What are you doing here?"
"You called me. Are you okay? Why are you lying on the ground?"
She shrugs, sitting up. "I fell asleep."
You feel a rush of anger. "You can't just go to sleep on the street, Maya. We're in New York."
Maya laughs, and the sound is bitter. "I get it, Huckleberry, we're far away from little, safe Texas."
She's not making much sense. Her words are slurring. She's clearly still drunk. "Well, you can't sleep on the street in Texas either. God, Maya, someone could have hurt you or - what were you thinking?"
Maya looks down at her feet. She's sitting on the curb, same as you, her hands resting on her knees. "I was tired," she says. "I'm really fucking tired."
You soften a little at that. You feel too young to be dealing with this kind of thing, you thought it would be more of a college experience. But she called you. You're glad she did. "Come on. You can sleep in the car."
She doesn't put up a fight. She just follows you, silently, to your car. You hold the door open for her and she slides into the front seat. You make sure her seatbelt is on, and before you know it, she's sleeping again.
The drive home feels a lot shorter than the drive there. You'll have to explain her to your parents in the morning. But that's the morning. This is now. You don't want to wake her so you very quietly undo her seatbelt and lift her, so you can carry her inside.
She stirs anyway. "I can walk," she mumbles into your chest.
"I know," you say, and neither of you say anything else about it. You get her into your bed and under your covers, putting the trash can next to her in case she gets sick in the night. You look at her for a moment. You hadn't noticed her partying getting this bad. You hadn't realized it was a bad thing at all. Plenty of kids in high school like to party. Maybe tonight is a fluke. But if it's not, if she keeps up like this, she's going to destroy herself, and it's going to destroy you to watch her. Even though you don't really know her like you used to.
You flip the light off and head for the door. You're going to sleep on the couch tonight, but her voice in the dark stops you. "Lucas," she says quietly, like she doesn't want you to hear her, "thank you."
You don't say anything. But you heard her.
-::-::-::-::-::-::-
When you wake up the next morning, she is already gone. You don't have to tell your mom anything.
-::-::-::-::-::-::-
"Should we talk about what happened this weekend?" You find her in the hall before class on Monday. You want to make sure she's alright. She shrugs.
"I already said thank you, Huckleberry. What do you want, a ribbon?"
And then she turns away from you and heads to class. And maybe you're imagining it, but did she smile at you?
-::-::-::-::-::-::-
Since that night, you keep a closer eye on her. Not too close, you don't want to smother her. And she still doesn't seem to want to talk to you, not like she does with everyone else. But Zay doesn't let her go to parties alone anymore, and she starts going less when Riley asks her to. She would do anything for Riley, that's never changed, no matter what version of Maya she is. A month and a half after you and Riley broke up, things finally start to shift. Maya starts teasing you again, not as much as before, but she starts up, and you feel the familiar thrill of your little game return.
One night, you're all at Maya's place over winter break, a last minute get-together before school starts up again. Zay and Smackle dip out early to catch a movie. They'd started seeing each other and movie nights were always tricky - Smackle likes informative documentaries, Zay likes gooey rom-coms, but they found a middle ground: period films. Zay loves the drama of it all and Smackle likes to rate it based on accuracy. Win-win.
Riley and Farkle go to finish the cookies that Riley's baking - she's recently started that new habit - which leaves you alone with Maya. She smiles at you, a little mischievously. That awkwardness that you guys used to get when you were alone has gone away by now. It's nice. It's so nice you can barely admit it to yourself.
"You know what it's been a while since I've done?" She's leaning against her wall, looking out the window. You're standing by her bed, looking at her.
"Huh?"
"I think you mean ha-hurr," You grin in spite of yourself, without even thinking about it. "I just think it's been a while."
You nod in agreement even though she's not looking at you. "Too long."
Her head snaps to you, and she's smiling still but now she looks a little curious. "You miss it?"
You shrug. You probably should shut your mouth now and let the conversation run its course, but the words come tumbling out anyway, and really, how hard do you try to stop them? "No, not really. But I missed you."
She looks surprised. She steps closer to you. "I haven't gone anywhere."
"I know. I just meant… I don't know what I meant." You shake your head, leaving the topic alone. "Let's go, let's do it. For old time's sake."
"Well, it's no fun if you want it," she grins.
"Why don't we give it a try and see?" You know you're flirting. She has to know it too. She walks closer to you, so close you can hardly stand it. Makes a big show of taking a deep breath.
And then - "Ha-hurrr!" Maybe it's the way she's standing on her tiptoes, maybe it's the way your stomach is doing backflips, or maybe it's just the way she's making you feel right now, the relief you have to be talking again. You kiss her, you don't even hesitate.
For a moment, you both melt into it. You've kissed two people before - Riley and your first girlfriend, back in Texas, before either of you knew what dating meant. But never like this. This is nothing you've ever felt before. And it's perfect. But she pulls away.
She looks down, sucking in her lips. Her lips that were just on yours. "What are you doing?"
"I don't know," you say, meaning it. "I thought maybe you wanted me to."
"This isn't a good idea, Lucas."
"Why?" you find yourself asking her. The question seems to throw her for a second.
"Because - because Josh." Somehow, you always forget about him. Maybe you don't want to think about it. But the look in her eyes - like she's grasping for straws. You think if you don't say anything now, then you'll never get the chance again.
"If you want to be with Josh, then - then yeah, sure. That's okay. But if there's any part of you that still has feelings for me, that wants this, then -"
"But Riley!" Maya blurts out before you can finish the sentence.
"What about Riley?"
"You're hers. You're - we can't be together."
You sigh, frustrated. "Riley and I broke up months ago. We aren't right for each other. Hell, you figured that out in eighth grade. You knew before we did. We aren't good together. Not like that."
Maya turns away from you, just enough so you can only see half her face. "Just because you and Riley aren't right for each other doesn't mean you and I are. Isn't that what we figured out at the ski lodge?"
"Maybe we were wrong." It feels good to finally say it. "Maybe we made the wrong choice." Maya purses her lips, but says nothing. "Are you scared, Maya? Is that it? Because I meant what I said that day. I could never hurt you. I won't." But there's a small part of you that looks at her and thinks that maybe you already have.
Maya shakes her head, though, frustrated too. "No, it's not that. I'm not good at this. I'm not - I can't do this, Lucas. I can't do this with you. You're going to be happier if we don't do this."
You open your mouth to say something else but that's when Riley and Farkle decide to come in. Maya jerks away from you like she's been burned. "Hey," Riley says, smiling at you. "What did we miss?"
-::-::-::-::-::-::-
You're scared after that. Maya is good at breaking her own heart, and now that you see it, you know she's going to break yours too. You should let go. For both of your sakes. You should just try and let go. It's your fault for starting the game up again in the first place. But you can't. You can't because whatever it is that's going on between you two, it's real. And that's scary, but it's something that you can't give up.
For a week after this, you go back to before. It's agonizing. But you laid it all out for her, and there's nothing more you can say. When there's a knock on your door on Friday night, you're mostly surprised to find her on your doorstep. But there's a part of you that's not. And that's the part of you that's so similar to Riley, the part Maya saw in eighth grade when she knew how alike you two were - it's the part of you that hopes.
"Hey," she whispers. You say nothing, just step aside to let her in. "So," she starts, walking through the door, "I was at this party. And I was about to take a drink, and then I thought - you know, what's the point? Of getting drunk and dancing and doing all these things to try to make me happy just to distract me from something that actually does." She looks you in the eye now. The more she says, the more ridiculously happy you feel. "I don't wanna hold back anymore," she says quietly, and then she's kissing you, and it's like the first time but better, because you know how much she wants it this time. Almost as much as you do.
You pull away from each other and you have to fight the urge to laugh, because of course, after all of this running and getting it wrong, all your mistakes are undone in a single, electrifying moment.
"It's been a long time since I've hoped for something this much, Huckleberry."
You shake your head. You kinda can't believe this is happening to you. You want to kiss her again, but that's not what you do. You hug her, hold her, have her close to you in the way you've wanted for ages. "I'm so glad to have you back, Maya." She doesn't ask what you mean this time. She doesn't ask, because she knows.
-::-::-::-::-::-::-
Falling in love is an insane thing to do. Maya told you that you'd be happier without her, and maybe that's true. You've both caused each other a lot of heartache. But it would have been an emptier kind of happy. A happiness that didn't really count at all. So, sure, it might be crazy to fall in love. But you think you're ready to give it a try.