I don't own Harry Potter or his world. Just playing. Thanks JKR.
Lately, Harry Potter has been on my mind. Harry Potter, and the day I tried to turn him over to You-Know-Who.
Draco hates it when I spend too much time thinking about Harry and that day. He says that something needs to be done.
He has hated the mention of Harry's name since Harry turned down his friendship without even getting to know him. That was the first time I noticed Harry, and at first I didn't think about him much, but over the years I have grown to think about him more and more. I blame Draco for that, because if he hadn't cared so much about being Harry's friend, and then his enemy, I would not have paid him any mind. But now I can't seem to stop thinking about him, and especially about that day, which has made me an outcast in the wizarding world.
Draco says that my obsession—that is what he calls it—has got so bad that he and his family are going to take me to Spain for a long holiday, because people don't know me there, and I'll be able to come to terms with things.
"What things?" I ask him. But he just shakes his head at me.
0000
We are on holiday at the Malfoys' villa in Spain. Draco has told me its name, but I just don't care. All I know is that it is all white, except for the roof, which is covered in rose-coloured tiles. There are no clouds in the blue sky.
It is so bright.
We are close to the beach, where Lucius walks around in white linen trousers and a white shirt. He has no shoes. There is something about his bare feet that bothers me, and I can't stand to be around him. To him his feet are perfect, but they match the colour of his trousers and to me he looks like a ghost, floating on the sand.
0000
I walk towards Draco, who is sitting with Narcissa.
"Draco," I call out to him, "I'm just going for a walk."
Draco makes a movement, as though he's going to get up. "I'll go with you," he says.
"No, that is okay," I tell him, and back away.
"Are you okay?" Narcissa asks. Why is the woman always asking me that?
"Of course I am," I snap back at her. I turn around and start walking.
When I'm far enough away, and cannot hear them any more, I turn around, and see that they are still looking at me. I smile. Draco still looks as though he might get up from his seat and follow me, but I see that Narcissa is gently holding him back. Draco finally relaxes, and waves good bye to me.
I don't see many people on the beach. I'm glad. I don't care for crowded places these days.
Then I see two people lounging in the sun. They seem familiar, one of them especially. I walk closer to see if I am right. I am. One of them is Harry Potter.
I fumble in my pockets, looking for the white chocolate I always carry with me, to calm me down. I don't care for regular chocolate—I can't stand cocoa—but I can't find it.
Then I look up and see green eyes looking at me. Harry doesn't seem happy to see me.
"I don't want to see her." He gets up and storms off, followed by a girl with bushy brown hair, telling him to calm down.
I feel my heart pounding. I want to get back to the Malfoys' villa—to get back to my room. I start walking.
"What's wrong?" Draco asks as I pass him, but I keep on walking. I dare not tell him I saw Harry. It would make him furious.
Once I'm in my room, I search for my white chocolate. I am sure I brought enough to last me the entire holiday... It is in my still in my luggage. I take a bite and calm down.
Then I think about Harry. I think about how he looked at me—and how he looked in his swimming trunks. I have never seen him in so little clothing before. I stretch out on my bed and try not to think about him. His eyes. His swimming trunks. But I can't stop myself...
0000
I wake up to a knocking on my door. It is Draco.
"What?" I answer.
"Come down for breakfast."
I am surprised how long I have been sleeping.
"I'm not hungry."
"Just come down."
I'm about to say no, but I hear his footsteps going down the stairs.
0000
I finish making myself presentable, which has taken over an hour. I take a bite of white chocolate before I go downstairs, hoping that Lucius is wearing shoes this morning.
I see Draco at the table speaking to someone. It is Hermione Granger.
"What is she doing here?" I ask.
"Hello Pansy. How are you feeling?" she says, looking at me.
"Not again," I say, and turn on my heel and leave.
"Pansy," Draco yells, but I keep on walking.
"Maybe this wasn't such a good idea," I hear Hermione say.
I wonder what she is talking about and decide I don't care. I go to the beach to calm down. Why are people always asking how I feel? I walk a short distance and see Harry. He's wearing more clothing than yesterday, and I feel disappointed.
He starts waking towards me. I look around to see if Draco is following, knowing he won't like Harry being here.
"I'm just going to say it," Harry says, putting his hands in his pockets. "I still have a lot of anger towards you."
I nod, because I know the reason. I want to say something, but the words can't find a way out of my mouth. When did this happen? When did I become speechless?
All of a sudden, I notice Harry's hands around my wrists.
"Are you okay?" he asks.
"Let go of me!" I yell, trying to shake off his grip. He lets go, and looks at me. I don't move. I stare back at him.
"I think I'd better leave. Maybe later." He turns and walks away.
I feel disappointed. My wrists are burning. Who knew that Harry could be so rough? I want to go back to the villa and tell Draco what Harry's done to me, but a part of me feels that I deserve this abuse from him.
I decide that I will follow him instead, and see where he is going. There are not many places to hide, so I walk slowly, hoping he won't turn round. There is enough of a breeze to hide my footsteps.
He finally gets to his villa, which is a lot smaller than the Malfoys', but just as white.
"I know you've been following me," he says, with his back still turned towards me. "Please go before I say something I regret."
He goes inside, and I know I should leave, but I walk up to the villa and find a place to sit on the steps.
I don't know how long I wait before he comes out of the door.
"You need to leave Pansy."
"I don't want to."
He goes back inside.
"Pansy!" I hear Draco yelling for me. I don't want him to see Harry, so I run to meet him, and we walk back towards the Malfoys' villa.
"You missed breakfast, and you've almost missed lunch. I think you should eat something."
I grab hold of his arm. I feel like I'm losing my balance, and need some support.
"Yes, I think I should eat something."
After lunch, I go to my room and think about how Harry has treated me. Hurting my wrists. Leaving me outside in the heat. Not giving me the time of day. I suppose I deserve it. After all, I was willing to sacrifice him to Voldemort—something I can't seem to forget. Something no one lets me forget. The names I am called—names I don't care to repeat...
I cannot sleep, thinking about Harry and how he hates me. I want to cry, but instead I nibble on my white chocolate.
0000
The next day, I sneak off before Draco can knock on my door. I have a destination—Harry's villa. I'm just in time to see him walk out of his door. I'm excited to see that he is wearing his swimming trunks. And he isn't wearing his glasses.
I slowly walk towards him. He sees me and stops.
"I was going for a swim," he tells me.
He doesn't seem too irritated with me, and I walk beside him. I like how it feels, having him close, even though we are not talking.
We stop at the edge of the water.
"I would ask you to join me." He looks me up and down. "But you are not dressed for it."
I am wearing a sun dress.
He walks into the water and I watch him, swimming off into the endless sea.
I strip down to my underclothes and join him.
We swim for a while. Then we walk out of the sea together. He looks at me, and quickly looks away. He picks up my sun dress.
"I think you should put this on," he says handing it to me, trying not to look at me.
I put the sun dress on.
"I'm hungry," he says.
"So am I. But maybe I should go back. Draco tends to worry about me."
"I don't think he would care."
"I think he would."
I leave without saying goodbye. Harry's words have cut through me. I know Draco, and I know that he cares about me.
When I get back to the villa, I see Draco and Hermione sitting in the sun room, and wonder what she is doing here, hoping she hasn't told Draco that Harry is here too. That would make him furious.
"Why don't you join us?" Draco asks.
"I have a headache," I reply. I go to my room and look for my white chocolate. I have to eat a lot of it before I calm down. I try to fall asleep, but Harry's cruel words keep coming back to me.
Does he really think that no one cares for me? I understand why he would think I don't deserve to be loved. I cry myself to sleep.
0000
I find myself sitting on the steps of Harry's villa again. The breeze has picked up, and is now a light wind.
"She's here again," I hear him say through the open window. I pretend that I don't hear the irritation in his voice.
"Just talk to her," I hear a female voice reply. "That is why we were invited."
"I don't know what to say."
"Just get her talking."
I hear the door slam, and see Harry.
"Pansy, what do you want?"
I don't know the answer to his question, and blurt out, "I'm hungry."
"Come inside. Hermione and I were having lunch."
I join them at the table. Hermione engages me in conversation. I can tell Harry is not happy to see me. He doesn't say much.
"So much has changed since the war," Hermione says passing the butter to me. "Enemies becoming friends. Forgiveness." She looks at Harry and I see his green eyes look at me.
I remember when I wanted to hand him over to Voldemort. I know he is angry.
I look at him, and say, "I am sorry."
He doesn't say a thing.
I get up and leave.
00000
The next day I stay in my room, thinking about Harry, and how he hates me. I remember how he looked at me when I came out of the sea and how I had thought, then, that maybe there was something else there. But no. He doesn't like me.
The sun is so bright here in Spain. I hate it. I miss the clouds at home. Narcissa tells me how sunlight does wonders for a person. I didn't mind a few days of sun, but we have been here too long.
So bright. So white. The buildings. It seems that every building is white. The walls in my room are white. I do not like white.
The only white I like is my white chocolate, which I nibble. I start to get sleepy, thinking how much I would like to see Harry, but knowing that he doesn't want to see me.
00000
When I wake up, the sun is brighter and I am damp.
I feel dizzy when I try to get up, and lie back on the bed. I think a nibble of white chocolate will help. I reach for it on the bedside cabinet, but knock it off onto the floor.
I fall back to sleep.
I wake up to voices.
"Pansy, wake up."
"Please wake up."
"I'm going to call for a healer over the Floo."
I open my eyes and see Draco, Hermione and Narcissa.
"Looks like she is awake," Draco says.
"Thank goodness," Hermione says.
"I'm still going to get a healer," Narcissa says as she walks out of my room.
I look for my white chocolate, and remember it is on the floor.
I throw myself off the bed, surprising Draco and Hermione, but I don't care—I want my white chocolate. I pick it up off the floor, and start stuffing it in my mouth.
"Is that what I think it is?" Hermione says, picking up a piece. I slap her hand away as she reaches for more. I will eat what is on the floor, and then I will get the last piece off her.
"It's only white chocolate," Draco says, as he tries to get me up off the floor.
Hermione smells it. "With a touch of opium. This is used to calm someone down quickly, after a severe Dementor attack. Regular chocolate works slowly. This special chocolate works fast. You're only supposed to use it for a short time, and only supervised by a healer." She is getting excited, and all I can do is look at her. "How long has she been eating this?"
Hermione shows Draco the piece of white chocolate and I reach for it, but I am too weak.
0000
The past few days have been the worst. My white chocolate has been taken away from me. I am kept in this white room, and spend my time covering my face with my pillow, but still the light comes through.
I can't eat, and what I do eat never stays down. A house elf comes in and out of my room to clean up after me. Others come and see me. I hear some of the things they say, but not everything. Harry comes, too. When I see him, all I can say is, "Sorry." I don't know how many times I say it, but I say it over and over, and it is all I hear when he is around.
0000
Hermione gives me a potion to drink. She says it is one of Professor Snape's. It is supposed to make me feel better, but I still need the house elf, Chiquita, to clean up after me.
0000
Today, I was able to keep down what I ate, and I realised how lost I've been these last couple of years, since the war.
Hermione says that some wounds are physical, and she shows me the scar from when Bellatrix tortured her. But most scars, she says, are emotional. When she tells me this, she has tears in her eyes. I know there is more behind those tears, but right now I don't want to know—maybe later, when I'm stronger. Right now, I'm just terrified I'll slip back to where I was.
0000
Today I walked on the beach. I didn't mind the sun warming my back or the sand in my toes. Lucius's bare feet still bother me. But I know I'm getting better. Maybe someday I won't be bothered by his feet.
0000
I sit on the beach enjoying the warm breeze and watching the ripples in the water. In the distance, I see Harry, and I know that he is coming towards me.
My heart jumps and I start to get nervous. Darkness seems to cover me for a moment, and I feel I am slipping backwards. I take a deep breath, but that isn't enough. I get up and run. I don't wait to see him.
Back in my room I look though every drawer for some white chocolate. I start yelling out Draco's name, Hermione's and Chiquita's.
Narcissa comes in and tries to give me a potion, but I knock it out of her hand and demand my white chocolate. I see tears come into her eyes, and realise what I have done, and how I am sinking back. I tell myself I don't want to go there again. I beg Narcissa to bring me more of the potion.
0000
I spend the next day in bed, angry with myself for slipping backwards. I think of how I've made a fool of myself in front of Harry. How I thought he was hurting me, holding my wrists, when he was only trying to help me because I was losing my balance. How I thought he was being mean to me, when he just didn't know what to say to me. How I thought that Draco didn't know he was here, when it was Draco who invited Harry to Spain, hoping that it might help me find some forgiveness and peace.
0000
Draco tells me that Harry has already left Spain, that he left the day I saw him on the beach, when I let fear overtake me, and didn't fight it.
I decide that, from now on, I am going to fight back.
0000
Draco says that he and his parents are going home, and that I am welcome to stay on. I thank him and kiss him on the cheek. We haven't been together for years but I'm glad that we have remained friends. Good friends.
I tell him I won't stay, but that I'll probably go to my parents' place in Italy.
"I know what you were trying to do, inviting Harry over. I'm sorry it didn't go as planned," I say.
"I'm just glad you're better. When will you come back home? "
I shrug my shoulders.
"People still see me as the girl who wanted to—" I stop, because I'm tired of talking of that moment when the fear of being hurt by Voldemort took over. I understand why I did what I did, but others don't.
0000
I watch the Malfoys use their Portkey. I don't have to wait long till mine is activated, and takes me to Italy.
0000
I sit in the piazza, enjoying watching the people and listening to the church bells, but I am annoyed by the plump pigeons, who don't seem scared of anyone.
i"Ciao,"/i I hear someone say to me.
I turn to see Harry.
"What are you doing here?" I ask. I realise I sound annoyed. "I mean, what are you doing here?" I say in a different tone, realising I have asked him the same question twice.
He snorts and I smile.
"Draco told Hermione you were here."
I want to ask how Draco and Hermione have become close, and if there is something more going on between them that I missed during my mental breakdown. But I know now is not the time.
"She sent you here to talk to me?"
He nods. "She is persistent. Plus I'm here on business for a few weeks."
For some reason I feel hopeful. I've learned that I mustn't always take my feelings seriously, but hope isn't just a feeling. So I allow myself to be hopeful about next few weeks.
"I want to apologise," I say.
"I think you've apologised enough for wanting to—"
"Not for that, but for my behaviour in Spain. I …I wasn't myself."
I turn to him, meet his eyes bravely, and continue. "The truth is, we don't know each other and I was hoping that, while you were here, we might get to know each other better."
"We might. How about we get some coffee for now? "
i"Si."/i I say. "I know where to go for the best cup of coffee."
We both get up, and I point the way. Little does he know I am taking him back to my place, so that he will know where to find me during his stay in Italy.
I smile to myself, knowing that I have come so far from where I was.
I'm back.
AN
I went with the Prompt 3. I did try and have Draco and Pansy married, but it just wasn't working for the story.
The title comes from the song "Stuck in a Moment You Can't Get Out Of", which is a song Bono wrote for Michael Hutchence and dedicated the song to Amy Winehouse at one of their concerts this summer, so the song has been on my mind lately.
And last, but not least. I want to thank my beta/Britpicker ningloreth. All mistakes are mine.
Thanks for readind, reviewing or stopping by